Posts Tagged ‘people named shirley’

Dominatrix Arrested in the Name of the Emancipation Proclamation

On January 1, 1863 after a night of binge drinking with friends, former President Abraham Lincoln made a New Year’s Resolution to abolish slavery. Wasting no time like a fat girl signing up for a gym membership, Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation. Unlike the fat girl with the gym membership, Lincoln stuck to his promise.

Now in 2013, law enforcement officials are catching up and cracking down on the current forms of slavery existing in America despite the illegality of each. The first to fall was New York dominatrix Shirley Groinkick.

Groinkick was arrested on three counts of slavery, each of the victims being businessmen who paid her to treat them poorly.

As she was escorted into the police vehicle, Groinkick pleaded her innocence. She claimed this was her job and that the men were getting what they paid for.

“Who would ever pay for a woman to treat them like a slave?” rhetorically asked Police Chief Sal Beatshiswife. “It’s not unusual for a guilty party to say they’re innocent, but who is she trying to fool? Me?”

Groinkick is just the first of many dominatrixes who will feel the bitch slap of the law against them.

“This sweep is going nationwide,” said Beathiswife. “Coppers all over the country are going to take down these dominating whores.”

Other targets of this new movement to make the Emancipation Proclamation more productive are those working with companies offering internships. In recent years, the internship has been advertised as a way to get your foot in the door with certain careers. The truth, this is another form of slavery.

“I started out my internship thinking it would eventually lead to a job,” said former Chinese-American intern Terrance Yu. “The internships never led to anything other than being really good at making coffee. I’m a barista now and I hate my life. I’m Chinese, not Japanese. I should be happier.”

Illuminati puppet and figurehead of the United States, Barack Obama, has said that it’s important America honors what the Emancipation Proclamation says, all slavery should be abolished. Starting whenever he needs the good press, Obama will eliminate all slavery from the country. All sports players will become free agents, all people who were forced into signing with a union will be free to leave, and school will no longer be required for children.

“As a man who grew up in Africa I know what an awful thing slavery is,” said Obama. “Y’all skeet skeet goddamn.”

For now though, it appears only the dominatrixes have been busted for engaging in slavery. Let this be a warning to all those out there, you cannot control anyone because a tall president with a neck beard who was shot in the back of the head said so.