Posts Tagged ‘people’

Over the course of a person’s lifetime they are said to meet an average of 17 people. I’m pretty popular so I have met a lot more people than that. The thing is, a lot of people kind of blend together and are more background characters than anything else. They are folks who I only remember one or two things about. These are their standout moments from my perspective, mostly the one or two things I remember about them.

-There was this person I knew who would watch Comedy Central then repeat the Dane Cook jokes he heard in class. People thought he was cool. He was wealthy and seemed to have everything going for him. Then he told a girl he liked that he liked her and she told him he wasn’t in good enough shape for her. Now she’s really fat and I hope he’s dead.

-There was this person I knew who one time during a school play fainted in the middle of it and fell about five feet. It was epic and a lot of people still remember it.

-There was this person I knew who while on our sixth grade orientation he had a box of munchkins to celebrate his birthday. He tripped while holding them and I said “Everyone is going to call you the Donut Kid in middle school now.” Nobody ever did because I was the cruelest girl in school.

not-another-teen-movie-mia-kirshner-as-catherine(Me in high school, basically)

-There was this person I knew who I heard accidentally pooped on a guy’s face during cunnilingus. It was a very well-known story and probably true because people are disgusting.

-There was this person I knew who would draw pictures of our English teacher giving him oral sex in class. She was about 60 years old. He was 14.

harold(It was like this only more nudity and a crooked erection. I don’t mean crooked like it was taking bribes from government officials either)

-There was this person I knew who told me that unprotected sex was the only way to have sex. She offered to have sex with me. I said no. A month later she told me she had HPV and she probably died.

-There were these people I knew who said we would be good friends forever. No clue what happened to them.

Ozzy_Smith(Somewhere in the unknown with Ozzie Smith perhaps?)

-There was this person I knew whose elbow I touched and she told all of her friends how much she liked it. We made plans to get coffee together and then she deleted me off of Facebook. I kind of hope she did it so I didn’t have to find out about her suicide.

-There was this person I knew who was a complete dick. That doesn’t really narrow it down.

-There was this person I knew who made fun of me in high school. Then he raped a child and got put in prison.

TOM+CRUISE+TOP+GUN+1980S(It wasn’t this guy although he also went to prison for raping a kid. I know way too many pedophiles and rapists)

-There was this person I knew who would never say “haha” or “lol” online to anything. It annoyed me greatly.

-There was this person I knew whose house always smelled like cat piss. He did not own a cat.

battle royale(He also recently bought this)

-There was this person I knew who fell asleep drinking a soda. I was at his house so I just left and took my DVDs I had lent him with me and we never spoke again. Death?

-There was this person I knew who would follow this girl he liked around. He would even drive her and her boyfriends places. He still does it. He never learns.

-There was this person I knew who told me how awesome I was and it wasn’t a lie. But this is a lie. I’m making them up.

-There was this boy who had so much hope for the future and then he met a lot of shitty people. Now he blogs about them.

*Note: I make too many TV/Movie references

The other day I met someone in person that I met through blogging for the first time ever. We all have those stories where we meet up, stare at each other awkwardly, and then debate whether or not our perspective of them is still the same. My encounter was a little different because if anything I got this guy to blog, somewhat, and our friendship developed from there. My dad received tickets from his boss for a Philadelphia Phillies game and because my dad has a car with an engine that breaks every time you roll down the window, he handed them off to me. Since my new friend lived in Philadelphia I thought this was the perfect chance to finally meet up in person.

Everything seems all perfect until you realize I had to travel from New York City to Philadelphia for the game. I managed to get a $1 Bolt Bus ticket from New York’s State Capital to the capital of Philadelphia (also a state capital) that took only a little over two hours during rush hour. In fact, I ended up getting to the game before he did because he is a lonely alcoholic named Carter Johns and was busy sitting alone at a university bar being about a month away from turning 30. The bus ride down and the subsequent subway was very simple, although I came to realize that I am turning more impatient. In New York people walk fast and this is how you tell the tourists from those who choose to reside around this area. In Philadelphia things move slower which is nice except when you’re trying to get somewhere on time, like all of the time.

snail(Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter on his way to the Septa transit system)

The game was good, they actually won, and Carter was kind enough to buy me alcohol and food, somehow knowing that I had planned to get chicken fingers without even telling him, which is totally creepy that he knew it. I could talk about our drunkenly ramblings for the first few innings until the booze wore-off, but that’s not what was the major event of the day. The biggest part was getting home. The game ended around 10:15 and I had a long journey home ahead of me.

The first thing I had to do was grab a subway to Center City Philadelphia then transfer there to more western Philadelphia. It was there I parted ways with Carter who tells me he’s not popular even though we ran into three people he knew, all of whom seemed grossed out by me. After getting off the subway I headed over to the 30th Street Station, basically Philadelphia’s big metro system plaza thingy. My next train wasn’t for about 40 minutes so I walked around trying to figure out how to buy a ticket because the machines would not let me. A fat girl dressed as a chef told me I could buy a ticket on the train with only a one dollar surcharge and I had to because this was the only option I had left. This first train ride was simple enough, leaving at 12:01 from Philadelphia. I got into Trenton at about 12:50 and then I had yet another train to catch.

gordonramsey1(She was dressed like this except I doubt she will ever be as famous as Gordon Ramsey. I have a feeling she eats the food before it gets to the table. Awww that was mean. She was helpful)

My next train left Trenton at approximately 1 in the morning. Keep in mind, I actually work now and wake up at 7:10 for work. Why 7:10? Because It takes me 15 minutes to get ready in the morning and then I stand around for a combined 10 minutes wondering what the hell I’m doing. This train left Trenton and before it even took off there was controversy. An older black man was saying how some woman “played him” and he was clearly drunk or a constant blister on society. He talked to one of the conductors about nonsense and didn’t make too much of a scene. Also on this train was an Indian guy who kept getting off at the wrong stop. The ticket taker (I refuse to call them a conductor) told him to “relax” because he kept jumping around nervous. The only other standout person on this redeye train to New York was a woman who I know was a stripper. I know she was a stripper because one eye was all glittery, she was attractive, and the conductors seemed to know her. What other job on earth requires you to glitter one eye? Unless she was punched by someone at a gay parade, she was a stripper.

That train got into Newark where I had to transfer, again. If you don’t know much about Newark, it goes like this. Newark is fabulous city if you plan to die. It’s pretty dangerous and usually makes Top 10 lists, or sometimes only Top 20 when too many of the criminals are already dead or locked up. It’s easily one of the scarier cities I have been in alone at night. The worst thing about this night was I went to grab my train only to find everything blocked off. Not only that, homeless people were lying around everywhere and whenever I see this I always think they’re going to pop up and scare me. I asked a nice man with a dumb voice where to go and he gave me sour directions that required way too many steps. I tried to follow them anyway. I headed down to the McDonalds like he told me and that’s when I saw the nervous Indian walking around as well as the only other white person within screaming for help distance. The white guy had on a giant backpack and seemed really dumb and lost. He probably isn’t and he admitted that he was.

Bonding over our fear, the white guy and I tried to find a way to Manhattan. He had no clue what he was doing and he would probably be dead if not for me. I pretty much led the way and got us to a really complicated out of the way train track that required us to go up three floors. He was entirely confused so I let him use my Metrocard (I’m so New York) to get into the rail system. We began talking and I found out he was a French student traveling abroad. He sounded French and he looked it. He had an ugly mustache for sure. I later asked him what his name was and he told me. When asked to spell it, he told me it was too hard to spell. Okay then. We came to the conclusion that his name is pronounced “Tibo” as in Tim Tebow. So our supergroup name was Tim Tebow. He seemed to have no understanding of what I was saying.

Charles-de-Gaulle-006(Tibo literally looked like a young Charles de Gaulle)

Tibo with the complicated name and I small talked a bit more until our train finally came. A gay guy from Oakland was on our train too and he joined our party because he was terrified. The gay guy completely hijacked the conversation, but that was okay because Tibo was French and said the French love Americans. Tibo is a liar. I tried convincing Tibo to follow the gay guy whose name I didn’t get, but who knows if he did? I had to get off at the first stop and they had a few more to go. It was already almost 3 in the morning and I was already planning out in my head the negative letter I was going to write to NJTransit for their complicated system of finding trains.

I said goodbye to my two friends. I do consider them friends. They were the perfect friends because I will never have to see them again. I got off the train and began my walk home. I grabbed a green tea from QuickChek because I was severely dehydrated then passed by a group of attractive younger people toward home. On my walk home two kids came around the corner in front of me. What would you know, one had on a white shirt with red sleeves and the other had on a red handkerchief hanging out of his pocket. This in gangland is known as “flagging” and suddenly only a half mile from my apartment I was walking behind two Bloods at 3 in the morning.

ariana grande(For some reason when I searched for gang members flagging for an example a picture of Ariana Grande came up. I think it’s terrible that I know who this is and that she has a gay brother)

I slowed my walking and hoped they wouldn’t notice me. I was carrying an umbrella which could have been used as a weapon. My friend Rob beat up a kid who looked like wrestler Dino Bravo with an umbrella years ago so it could work on two thugs, right? The worst part about even after I slowed my walking was my shoe was squeaking so loud and it was the only sound present anywhere. They knew I was only a few hundred feet behind them. With each step I thought they would turn around and mug me. I had a $50 bill in my wallet too. They could have bought lots of red stuff, like catsup, to go along with their gang affiliation. They ended up crossing the street then later on made a rendezvous with two females. I climbed into my apartment building alive, safe, and exhausted. I popped into bed and go a nice healthy doctor recommended three hours of sleep.

So really what I’m trying to say here is that scientists need to get on inventing that whole transportation thing because this was just not cool.

Sometimes I will be somewhere and feel completely out of place. In these situations it would be helpful if I had a t-shirt explaining why I am where I am. I hope you know what I mean though. There is not always the chance to explain to a person why you look so out of place with words. Words on a t-shirt can do the explaining for you. I have decided to create my own t-shirt slogans that I can wear when I go certain places that express completely my feelings and why I am there. Hopefully you can relate to a few and buy them off of me. I guess some aren’t even for me as much as they are for you. I’m so nice.

“I’m not creepy. I just didn’t have anyone else to go to this event with.” – this shirt is to be worn whenever you go somewhere and cannot find anyone to go with you

“Yes, I will probably have sex with you. Smile at me and if I smile back it’s a definitely yes.” – this shirt is to be worn at all times

“Believe it or not I have higher aspirations that what you see me doing right now. In my spare time I work hard to achieve my dreams, but haven’t quite gotten there yet so I’m stuck here.” – this shirt is to be worn while at work

“Please leave me alone. I am a woman and there is a reason I am not making eye contact with you. I left the house to be alone.” – this shirt is to be worn by females whenever they please

“I am going to talk to anyone who acknowledges my existence.” – this shirt is to be worn by socially awkward creepy men who bother everyone

“I’m pussy-whipped.” – this shirt is to be worn by any guy who goes to a club with his girlfriend

“I like sluts.” – this shirt is to be worn by any guy who goes to a club to pick up a girl

“There is nothing wrong with me. The friends you see me with just happen to be in long-term committed relationships, most of them trapped into them for fear of being alone otherwise and I don’t blame them because they are crappy people and I am only still friends with them because I feel obligated to after all of the memories we have shared together.” – this shirt is to be worn when you are a third, fifth, etc. wheel

“I haven’t had time to do laundry because I have a social phobia about going to the Laundromat.” – this shirt is to be worn when you find people laughing at how smelly you are

“If you are attractive feel free to talk to me. If you are unattractive do not talk to me. If you are attractive and I ask you a question, continue the conversation. If you are unattractive and I ask you a question, I only want to know the answer.” – this shirt is to be worn by women while traveling

“I acknowledge we live near each other, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you.” – this shirt is to be worn around neighbors at all times

“Of course I’m not happy. I’m an American.” – this shirt is to be worn while at and on the way to your therapist’s office

“My parents weren’t as good as they could have been, my friends don’t understand me, and I feel very unloved and alone in the world.” – this is actually not a t-shirt but a tattoo I suggest most people get

“It’s my fault, but I don’t care.” – this shirt is to be worn whenever you make a mistake, whether you did it on purpose or not

“I do want to help you. At the same time, I want to do it quickly, exactly the way you told me it would happen, and I fully expect you to do the same for me somewhere down the line.” – this shirt is to be worn whenever a favor is asked of you

“Fuck you.” – this shirt is to be worn whenever you are near someone who is giving you their opinion on a topic

“If I wanted hash browns I would have asked for hash browns. And please, don’t mumble your words when asking me if I want any. I’m going to naturally say no to mumblers.” – this shirt is to be worn by me exclusively every time I go to Dunkin Donuts

Any other ideas?

I was on a train recently and I saw the most amazing thing ever, some Mexican woman’s cleavage. Now before this turns into some strange public transportation erotica story let me just say that it’s not. This is about spending time with people who you cannot communicate or share a single interest with. Let me just talk about her cleavage for a moment though.

Fantastic. The word fantastic was invented for her. She wore a black and white dress, conservative for the most part until we got to her bosom. Or is it bosoms? I don’t know if a tit is considered a bosom or if the whole package is the bosom. Anyway, the front of her dress crossed in some fancy way and there was a good space open in front of her chest large enough for me to shove my face in. I didn’t shove my face in there because I’m not one of those people and she had a boyfriend or husband with her and he was much taller than I am.

Rarely when I get on a train and I know it’s going to be crowded will I grab a seat. I know there is going to be some old person, pregnant woman, or pushy human being who deserves a painful death that I’ll end up having to give my seat up to anyway. It’s easier to just stand than to do a kind gesture for another person and not get anything back in return. I decided on this venture to stand near the door that says “Do Not Lean Against Door” rather than stand where all the buttons are. That’s the kind of person I am. I would rather accidentally lean against a door and fall out than I would accidentally bump against a button and have to stand there embarrassed as the conductor has to check to make sure there’s no emergency.

british_prime_minister_david_cameron_standing_on_a_train.(That’s pretty much me standing there except I never dress like Hans Gruber)

The train was unusually crowded for a Saturday night. I thought people stayed at home crying Saturday nights like I usually do. Please don’t tell me I’m doing things incorrectly…

After a few stops and the first where things really packed in, the Mexican woman with the awesome cleavage stepped onto the train, heels clicking against the floor, the march of a slut sounds. With her was the earlier mentioned husband or boyfriend. He was tall, handsome, had glasses, and had the same voice as some guy I knew. I had not seen the guy in a few years and when I said hello to him he said “Oh yeah I remember you” then walked away. Fuck him.

walton-goggins-2012-afi-fest-01(Both of these men look like actor Walton Goggins with a smaller forehead. If I had said with a bigger forehead that would have been frightening)

They stood near me because I guess they have farting problems and wanted my stench to cover up their gastrointestinal embarrassment. They began talking about how they were going to a show at UCB. The guy had no clue what UCB stood for and since I know more about the New York comedy scene than the average mongoloid, I chimed in that it stood for Upright Citizen’s Brigade.

The two lovers turned to me as this is the thing you do when someone you don’t know speaks. He gave me an “Oh yeah!” and we then began talking about the show they were seeing. Tits McCleavage-Bonergiver looked at me too and gave me an “I don’t know what you’re saying, but you don’t seem threatening” smile as I spoke with her man. He told me he had gotten an email from his work about the show featuring Amy Poehler, “that Michael Cera guy from Juno”, and “that blonde guy from 30 Rock.”

First of all, if you refer to Michael Cera as being the guy from Juno, you missed out on a lot of his career. He wasn’t even the star. The film had a titular character that wasn’t him and this is the only film the guy knows him from. Second of all, this guy wouldn’t shut up about 30 Rock. I have never seen an episode, but I pretended I knew who he was talking about because it’s weird to explain to a person “I don’t have cable and even when I did the idea of 30 Rock never really appealed to me much because I find Tina Fey a little overrated in many ways. I would probably give it a shot at some point, but there are so many other things I have to watch beforehand that appeal to me more.”

??????????????????????(Michael Cera has done so much at this point I bet he doesn’t even put Juno on his resume)

Our conversation didn’t last long and he kept saying “Should be a good show” in a “Shut up dude” way to me. So I did that. I stopped chatting with them. They continued to talk though and that’s when I learned this guy might not be so lucky. His female companion still could not grasp what improv comedy was. That’s fine. Sometimes I don’t get what improv comedy is.

Their interaction continued while I stared at some old guy in the adjacent train car picking his nose then occasionally back at the woman’s cleavage as a chaser for humanity. They talked about lots of nonsense and the most important thing of all was their conversation was not a back and forth. One would talk for five minutes and get almost no response and then the other would do the same. It wasn’t like they were loveless either. They just didn’t seem to comprehend what the other was saying.

Somehow it came up that the woman knew someone who was “really smart” and got real into UFOs. Awesome-Breasts O’Rgasmic told the most horrendous story about how they went to a bookstore looking for something. The story made absolutely no sense at all. Her hubby had so many questions and he seemed so terribly confused as did I. She laughed a lot during the story like she was already seeing Juno’s Michael Cera perform improv. When the story ended her husband looked at her and said, “Okay…”

great expectations(She could have read Great Expectations in Spanish and gotten a better response…and that book totally sucks)

At one point I thought this guy had it all. The more I was around him the more I came to realize he really did. Her cleavage was that awesome that it doesn’t matter how boring her stories were. It doesn’t matter how she didn’t seem to enjoy any of the same things as him. Perhaps worst of all, she reminded me a lot of someone I dated years ago. Both were Mexicans with beautiful pimple scars, nice bodies, and not making any sense. I could have been this guy. I could have been trapped in a world where the best thing in it is some Central American cleavage.

In no particular order, here are 20 people and other things I find completely overrated.

1) Steve Jobs – Jobs is best known as the father of antisocialism which is strange because I think he was politically a socialist. In my opinion life hasn’t gotten any better thanks to Apple products. Oh iPods are great? Tell me that when you can’t hear the rapist’s heavy breathing as he approaches you from behind because you’re too busy listening to your old Dido songs.

2) New York Yankees – Yankees fans like to brag about how many championships the team has won. Well, consider the fact that there weren’t very many teams until the 1960s. Odds of winning were much great. They also had the one player who could hit home runs for a decade. Chances are Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig were cheating if combined they were hitting home runs than an entire division. My theory is Gehrig wanted to admit to the cheating and Ruth infected him with the Lou Gehrig Disease needle and then threatened to do it to the rest of his family if he told. Gehrig kept quiet.

3) Christmas – I haven’t gotten a great gift in years. This holiday stinks.

Merry-Christmas-christmas-32790266-1920-1080(Fuck these two dandy queers. Put on some pants snowman)

4) Barack Obama – Barack Obama as president reminds me of when Mick Foley was the Raw General Manager in the WWE. Both seem like nice guys, but they’re full of empty promises and in my opinion are spot monkeys. And no, that wasn’t a racist joke. Not that the other options were better, but has Obama done anything he said he would other than let his wife boss him around?

5) The Beatles – Other than Helter Skelter, for Charles Manson fan reasons, I couldn’t tell you a thing The Beatles did that I like. What I hate the most is John Lennon. He acted like he cared about humanity yet the first time Asian snatch comes around he bails on his lifetime friends. Better Than Ezra is better than The Beatles.

 john-lennon-happiness1(I really hope the teacher gave John an F on this assignment then made him go to the school dance with the ugly Asian exchange student Yoko)

6) Zooey Deschanel – She’s not funny nor is she a good actress. Why are people obsessed with her? She looks like a flattened cereal box. Ugh I hate skinny hipster girls. Not that I love the fat ones. I just hate when we take a singer and pretend she’s a talented actress when she’s not.

7) Humanity – In the last year alone we’ve had the dope shooting up the movie theater, the Newtown shooting, and the Boston bombing. Before we used to average one of these every 3 or 4 years. We also have things like the imprisoned girls in Cleveland. Awful things like this have always happened and I’m sure we don’t know the half of them, but it’s starting to get overwhelming. Why doesn’t some sick person put their energy into something more productive? If you must kill people, become a Robin Hood type hero. You’ll actually make a positive change.

8) College – Do you know who didn’t go to college? Jesus! He’s one of the most famous people around. College seems to be nothing more than delay factories for adulthood. Fuck I’m only 8 into this list and I already wish I was living back in Ancient Rome where they decided everything for you.

Jesus-Good-Shepherd-05(I don’t think Jesus even graduated high school. What am I doing with my life???)

9) Bacon – Bacon is one of the few meats I do not enjoy. I think I’d rather eat a salad for breakfast than bacon which probably makes me gay.

10) Parties – Asking someone to come to your party is like saying “I enjoy your existence, but I really don’t like being around you when I’m sober.” Of course not all parties involve alcohol though. I’m not sure why you would have a party otherwise though because who is a person that is worth being around while sober?

11) Modern Family After Season One – The first season of Modern Family was great. The second season was okay. After that I stopped watching. I’m not sure where the show went wrong. Maybe it was not enough nude Sofia Vergara scenes? I shouldn’t expect that though. We’re in America. Nudity scares us. I think it was just too many jokes falling flat with too many characters in the show for us to ever like them all.

12) Karaoke – There’s enough professional bad music out there and we still feel the need to create some of it on our own. Karaoke is fun I guess if you do ecstasy or live in a country where food doesn’t exist and the insurgents are always blowing up your hospitals. I don’t live in one of these places so I don’t really feel the need to enjoy karaoke.


13) Owning Lots of Pets – I think there should be a rule that a household cannot own more than one pet per person living there. I also think parents shouldn’t be allowed to have more than three children, one extra in case there’s some big war or disease that wipes one out. Keep in mind that the more pets you own the more poop you will have to deal with. The same goes with children. Isn’t it hard enough dealing with your own poop?

14) Ironman – Ironman is probably my least favorite superhero after “Molestation Man.” Molestation Man never was too mainstream so don’t feel embarrassed if you’re not familiar. Ironman of course is basically Bruce Wayne, but more annoying. He has no good bad guys. I’ve always said that a comic book hero is only as good as his bad guys. I’ve never seen any of the Ironman movies and don’t plan on ever seeing them. Oh look that drunk Robert Downey Jr. is reciting snarky one-liners with a sexual undertone and now he’s flying. Great.

15) Johnny Depp/Tim Burton Alliance – I’ve complained about this before so I’ll spare you some reading. Their movies all stink since Sleepy Hollow. Cut it out you two.

16) Anal Sex – He said it would feel good, but now it just hurts to sit down anywhere.

Village+People+png(No caption needed)

17) Having Cable – There are literally around 30 television shows on Netflix I need to watch. I haven’t had cable in 3 1/2 years and I’ve survived. In fact, since I started living without cable I’ve grown up more and had more motivation to actually start writing my own stuff rather than watching other people’s creations. Cable stinks. Spend your money on something else.

18) Vacations – I could survive never going on another leisurely vacation. I don’t think I’d ever want to not travel somewhere ever again though. That sounds sad. If they were business trips though I would deal. Vacations seem to stress me out too much. I have to figure my way out around somewhere new. It took me almost a year in my last neighborhood I lived in to realize there was a CVS down the road and there were two Wawas a lot closer than I thought. Now I have to find the CVS and Wawas in a new place? No. Stop it. Vacations are too stressful and I know one day I will die while on one.

19) Blow Jobs – I’m trying reverse psychology here. I want some girl to be like “What? I’ll prove it to you” and then she does.

20) Concerts – I’ve only been to a handful of concerts in my life and most were against my choosing. I never know how to behave at concerts. Worse, the band never sounds as good. The only reason to ever go to a concert seems to be to throw something at the musicians on stage which of course would mean you have to see people you don’t even like which makes little sense.

bieber-monkey(This is how AIDS was made. Hey, at least I didn’t put this under the picture of The Village People)

What’s something you find overrated?

In 1984 a film came out called Revenge of the Nerds. I never saw the whole thing, but based on the five minutes I saw when it aired on Comedy Central a few years ago I can pretty much figure out what it was about. Plus, it was the 1980s where all comedies were just trying to be Caddyshack.

1980s Comedy Math:

Attractive White Male = Bad, Stupid, Greedy

Everyone Else = Good, Intelligent, Righteous

Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong-Un, Jodi Arias, Casey Anthony, and Joseph Kony all say hello to this flawed formula because bad guys can come in all ethnicities and sexes. I guess there are actually only two sexes. Not to mention, are transsexuals ever evil?

I’m no expert when it comes to subcultures because I try to stay away from associating myself with phony attention-seeking young people. I still think I know enough about this topic to blog about. All you really need in order to qualify as a blogger are working fingers so I’m good.

chris elliott(Could not blog)

It was around 2005 during the height of MySpace when the “emo” fad was all the rage. Emo is essentially the further pussification from the early 90s started by Kurt Cobain. As much as I appreciate what Nirvana did, they were probably the 4th best grunge band from Seattle out of 4. His melodramatic ramblings got a little tiresome. He wanted to title his last album “I Hate Myself and I Want to Die.” Shut up Kurt. If you could have been a little more motivated to actually show some joy that music brought you then maybe a few other people would have stopped sitting around feeling sorry for themselves.

(Try to ignore how gross Mickey Rourke is)

Furthermore, punk bands from the 1990s began to show weakness too. Green Day who started off as the newest cool punk band started playing the acoustic guitar and singing about break-ups. Imagine Johnny Rotten with an acoustic guitar singing about sadness. Calling Green Day a punk band is an insult. Just because someone dyes their hair and can’t sing doesn’t mean they’re punk.

GreenDay1126(Looking like a Tim Burton character doesn’t make you punk. They think they’re so funny)

So by this point we’re at around 2005. The boy band craze is pretty much over, but women still need male musicians to admire. In came bands like Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance that glorified being a wimp. Worse than that, they masqueraded as rock bands. They wore makeup and had an anti-authority attitude. It’s great when bands are anti-authority. The problem with this new wave is they hated authority because authority was “mean” not because anarchy is badass.

The emo fad was one of the phoniest things to happen in my lifetime. Keep in mind I was not alive during the Kennedy Assassination, Moon Landing, and I don’t consider Barack Obama the real president of the United States until I see a birth certificate and he can beat me in an arm-wrestling match to prove his worth. Emo girls tended to have colorful hair and makeup drenched faces. Emo boys were the same except they claimed to have penises. This has not yet been confirmed.

emo tranny(No clue what this thing is supposed to be)

Emo kids eventually realized what they were doing was dumb. Who should spend so much time on such silly nonsense like filtering a picture to make themselves look better? Emo died out and before we knew it, hipsters came around.

Let me say this about hipsters. Hipster girls are incredibly attractive. That is, until you talk to them. Do you know what makes a hipster girl attractive? Accessories. Like ancient tribal people who covered themselves in tattoos, piercings, jewels, shrunken head necklaces of enemies, and so on, hipsters are attractive because of these accessories. Hipster girls are like a plate full of fruit to me. When I see a plate with grapes, blueberries, strawberries, kiwi, and more, it looks like the most amazing tasting thing ever. Then I take a bite and I wish I had ice cream instead. If you need colorful hair, fancy makeup, or a certain outfit to represent who you are, you’re pretty hollow inside.

apocalypto1(Ancient Mayans or someone trying to be trending by adding on a lot of tattoos and jewelry? If you said Ancient Mayans then you would be wrong because these are just actresses pretending to be Mayans. There were no color photographs back then stupid)

So we’re living in an era of hipsters. We know all about them. They preach being yourself while doing everything but being themselves. You’re cool when you don’t strive for anything in life. Their theory is that you should do what you want to do. Of course not all hipsters are this way, but I think you’re even more ridiculous if you are a hipster who doesn’t think this way. A Nazi who likes the Jews makes no sense. They’re just a sheep that way. And yes, I’m calling hipsters Nazi sheep.

The hipster’s big thing these days seems to be embracing their inner nerd. Ummm fuck you. There’s a difference between enjoying Star Wars and being a nerd. There’s a difference between pretending to enjoy art and being a nerd. Nerds are antisocial, obsessive, socially inept, and smart. If you go out every week to a club or to a bar with your large group of friends, you are none of those. You are not a nerd. Did you know Dr. Seuss invented the word nerd? So if you consider yourself a nerd then you’re Nerkle and Seersucker too.

Watching The Big Bang Theory doesn’t make you a nerd. Knowing science jokes doesn’t make you a nerd. Having social anxiety doesn’t make you a nerd. A nerd is not something you should embrace to be. Nerd is an insult. It’s a second N-word with the same meaning behind it. Stop pretending to be a nerd. You have a few nerd qualities. You’re not smart enough to be a real nerd.

sexy nerd

(I’m so sure she’s a nerd. Her hobbies include reading books about HTML, knowing facts about nuclear fusion, and not leaving her basement for weeks at a time because the world is an unwelcoming place for her. Yeah, I’m not buying it)

I totally forgot, but thanks to WordPress something popped up congratulating me on my two-year anniversary with the site. I’m getting praise for essentially not knowing how to delete this thing. Not that I plan to delete it or anything. I have way too much greatness here.

So what’s there to say? I’m not sure. Here’s a list of ten things about this blog because I feel like I’m cheating you (wasting less of your time) by not doing more.

1) My first blog follower ever was this guy. He still blogs sometimes which is pretty unique. I remember it was September 2011 before I figured out how to navigate WordPress and comment on other blogs. I was sitting in a hotel I wasn’t staying at stealing the Internet when morning when I found his blog and left a comment. It was something about kids get coddled when playing sports.

2) My favorite blog post anyone else has ever done was this one. Has it been six months already? Wow. The post was probably the best thing to happen on my birthday.

3) My most commented blog post that wasn’t Blog Award related or the Opening Credits I have on my home page when I announced the availability of my first ever book. If you remember correctly, I hyped it up for a month leaving clues and making people think I had gone crazy. I had people in real life come up to me asking if I was all right since I had claimed the world would come to an end on August 9th. Although I may not be an award-winning writer, it’s great to know I can actually pull off writing a full novel and people will pay money for it. The next one comes out in like a week and a half and I’m excited for the first person to buy it complaining that they bought the wrong thing.

4) I’ve somehow managed to in two years become friendly with several bloggers. I write a blog with one of them, I almost met one in person, and a third has the distinction of being the only blogger to have seen what my knees look like. I’ll tag the rest of you somewhere else below so quit complaining. This is poetic.

5) I’ve learned what it’s like to be a great mother of a newborn child and how to be a great mother twice with two newborn daughters. All great mothers of course have people they look up to. When in doubt they can always turn here or if that doesn’t work they can go here. Here also knows a lot about the American Revolution so if you need help on that topic like I did, that’s the place.

6) When I first started blogging I thought it was to become famous and successful and rich and powerful and dictatorshipish. I soon came to learn it’s not about that. Blogging is about asking for help with art, it’s about giving and receiving advice on life and realizing others have been through the same as you, and it’s about whatever this guy taught me.

7) I’ve met people who have written their own books like this guy and this guy  and this girl and this girl. There’s an abundance of creativity everywhere here on WordPress. Some people create amazing music.

8) I didn’t want this to be sentimental or anything, but I hate leaving people out and I’m procrastinating on doing something more important than blogging. What’s more important than blogging? Right now it’s writing out a character list for another shitty TV Pilot I’m putting together. Bleh I make myself sick with my “struggling artist” attitude.

9) So what has changed in the last two years? I think I can bench press like 10 pounds more than at the start. That’s something I should be proud of, right? I’ve convinced myself I’m a better and more relatable writer, but who knows? My personal life has changed drastically. For better or for worse, it’s death til us part. I’m still waiting for something really great to happen. I’ll know sometime mid-summer the results of several writing contests I have entered/will be entering. Could it change everything? After all, keeping up with this blog helped me feel motivated in other aspects even when I didn’t feel much like blogging. What the hell am I talking about? And why is there no link in number 9 and there are some everywhere else? This really bugs me.

10) I’m not going to put a link here either so 9 isn’t so alone. I also don’t have anything to say here other than thanks for two years. Whether you come by often, sometimes, or never make your presence known, thank you for existing. Now to head out to the store and grab some Tampax because I seem to need them.


(This looks exactly like the box to my Britta water filters. I guarantee someone has made that mistake)

I am in need of some simple help. I am contributing to a new website, a website so new it doesn’t even exist quite yet. Part of the site is submission based/audience participation/whatever you want to call it. The woman in charge is putting a lot of effort into it, like actually buying the domain, so I have a lot of faith that it will at least be worthwhile in some form. So I come to you guys for help on this. What we need are submissions for the following:

Title – Dating
What We’re Looking For – Your craziest dating experience

This is pretty self-explanatory and I know we all have some great ones.

Title – Double Dare
What We’re Looking For – We want you to double dare us to do anything – something you’d like to see!

Does this one not make sense to you? This one is pretty clear as well. Why did I feel like I needed to explain?

Title – StoryTime

What We’re Looking For – We are collecting stories about a time you were overly confident about something that didn’t go exactly as planned

For instance, how we all created our blogs thinking we would be rich and famous by now and none of us are. We want better than that though.

dewey defeats truman

Title – Love & Sex

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – ask us ANYTHING – but ONLY if you are ready for brutally honest answers

This is kind of like the Dr. Ruth section. Remember when I did that post Pathetic Text Messages? Something like the question the fat idiot in that asked would be acceptable or maybe you can be smarter.

Title – Eavesdropping

What We’re Looking For – We want to hear about crazy or fascinating things you’ve overheard on the streets, in a restaurant, etc.

This is pretty easy, no? Who isn’t hearing people say stupid shit all the time? Come on I know you have some good ones!

Title – Deep Thoughts

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – blow our minds… in a few sentences or less.

I guess an amazing fact would work here? I’m not sure. Answering this question would blow my mind.

So if you can help out you can either answer in the comments or send me an email if it’s long or more private at or Facebook me if we gossip there sometimes.

There are no limits to what you answer, how much you answer, and you can put as many into one category as you want. If the site is successful I will definitely come up with some ideas where if you are interested that you can contribute your own written pieces to.

That’s all. Thanks and hopefully a few people can contribute before I have to solicit you.

When a young kid is dirty you give them a bath. You wash off the mud from their face and use a plastic fork to dig out the crayon from their anus. Things are so simple until kids hit puberty. You can’t go around touching naked puberty kids. They have to do those things themselves. But as teenagers will do, they hate authority. They spit on it then masturbate all over it because that’s all teenagers do. They spit and masturbate. Sometimes they combine the two. This is called spitsurbation. Nobody finds it pleasurable. There’s no reason it should continue.

I was craving an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts one day. I had only had one maybe twice ever before and enjoyed it. I don’t like drinking coffee because I’m energetic enough and the taste does nothing for me. Ice coffee is different though. It’s like drinking the prom queen’s blood. It’s delicious and I know it will be my next addiction.


(I literally am going to go outside and get one now just because this picture turned me on so much)

The closest Dunkin Donuts to me is only a quick four block walk. I put on some pants, slapped on my shoes, slid into my jacket, and headed out the door. My first stop was to throw my garbage into the dumpster which is never fine. I always end up having to touch some strange mold. The worst thing about touching strange mold is then I feel like I can’t pick my nose until I get a chance to wash my hands. After that I went to the mailbox and paid some bills. Growing up is fun because you know death is getting closer with each day.

I got to the Dunkin Donuts fine. My first danger was only a block away when I saw the street was covered in trash and teenagers. Teenagers scare the shit out of me. They look at me now like I’m some old man, but to me I’m still a fat little boy none of them want to be friends with.

The first teenagers I saw were formed in four packs. Six of them were loud and kicking the garbage around. Soccer is pretty big in my town so it made sense they would have Fifa Fever. Another pack stood petting a dog. I felt bad for the dog. The third group was a guy on a bike riding in circles because teenagers are so lost in the world. And the final group was a girl sitting on a motorcycle eating a bagel. I don’t think she knew who owned the motorcycle. She was a blonde teenager though. They answer to no one.

miley cyrus ugly hair

(Miley Cyrus answers to no one, even the hairstylist who tried refusing to vomit on her hair)

I had hoped all of the teenagers were outside, but inside there were even more. The first group seemed decent enough. There were three of them at the start and by the time I finished my journey they were joined by a fourth. I think the owner of the motorcycle was there. He held a giant helmet. He may have also been retarded. It’s hard to tell with young people.

I hesitated to ask this group if they were in line or not. I decided to avoid communication with their species and instead walked around them. They didn’t bring up an issue so I guess they weren’t in line. I was behind a large group of pierced Portuguese kids now. Two were male and heavily pierced in the face. Two were female and had saggy asses. The main saggy assed female got six donuts. She got them in twos also. Perhaps she was instructed by God to build an Ark and bring two of every pastry.

dunkin donuts

(This somehow felt relevant)

Finally it was my turn to get to the front of the line. Whenever I order and it’s not a hot chick behind the counter I struggle. The only time I ever thrive when talking to females is when it’s in a customer/server relationship. Something about them having to wear a nametag and a sweet uniform makes me mellow out. Unfortunately in this instance the server was a short guy who looked like Frank and Ernest from the comic strip.


(Oof that is bad)

I stuttered through my order getting an Irish Cream ice coffee and three sausage egg and cheese wake-up wraps. Only less than three and I would be left hungry. So don’t judge me. I’m trying to get a grosser body before summer hits so I have an excuse not to go to the beach.

The funny looking guy behind the counter got me my coffee while the other guy made my food. I took a look around and took in how there were probably 25 teenagers in this place. I was easily the third oldest. Only two older women sitting in the corner had more years on them than me. Everyone in there was a dirty teenager too. They all had piercings, tattoos, unwanted babies from teenage pregnancies, and one was missing an arm. It probably happened when he was reaching out of the school bus like the bad kids used to do when I was younger.

A tattooed and pierced teenager went up to get his muffin. After he took it he turned around and said “That bitch just gave me attitude. I was so close to hitting him.” I was right there when this happened and the guy behind the counter did not give him any attitude at all. What’s with young men wanting to hit everyone? Take a Tae Bo class and use that energy toward something positive!

I made it a point that when I got my food I would say “Thank you” to the guy behind the counter. I always say thank you. I say it loud and proud. Sometimes I scream it so everyone else can hear. I said it very loudly this time hoping the guy with the ugly nose ring heard.


(Everyone with a nose ring looks like this to me, male and female. Your nose is for smelling mustard gas, not sticking metal through)

Then I got to thinking. It felt nice to be nice to this fella behind the counter. So I made it a point to be really nice to everyone for the rest of my 5 minute walk back. I held a door for an older woman entering the Dunkin Donuts. She looked at me shocked. I said excuse me as I left too when one of the hoodie wearing dirty teenagers stood in my path. I smiled at a child too during the trek. I never smile at kids. I hate kids. What happened to me? Then the worst thing happened of all. I let someone into my building who was there to visit her friend. She was brown-skinned too. And her friends were the Muslim women I held the door open for a week earlier. This is why I should not ingest caffeine. I become a really nice person.

The Internet is an amazing invention. Without it I don’t know what I would spend my time doing. Even when I’m not online I’m thinking about what I can do in normal life that can somehow become valuable on the Internet. The only downside to the Internet other than all of the child porn, Craigslist killers, and accessibility for cyber terrorists to our bank accounts, are whiners.

People love to whine. I like to do it too. Whining makes us feel like we’re solving our problems. When it’s illegal to choke a small animal to get your angst out, we have to resort to something else. More often than not that something else is unnecessarily complaining. My inspiration for this post came from reading a few reviews when I was looking up how much New Jersey Devils hockey tickets cost. I would like to share with you some of the reviews I saw then follow it up with some snarky commentary.


(This is the proper way to whine. Keep quiet, make a funny face, and then make a career out of hating people)

“Tough getting to our seats in that crowded section. Enjoyed maybe two bites of my cheese steak sandwich. Boring play.”

What was so tough about it? I bet this person is obese. They got a cheesesteak at a hockey game after all. Who does that? And they never even specified why they enjoyed two bites. Did they start a third bite then realized how fucking fat they were and could no longer enjoy it because they felt bad about the way they look? And what does the game being boring have to do with buying tickets? Some games are going to be boring you idiot.

“…To add to our less then mediocre experience the roving Devils camerman would not record any kids wearingcaps, t-shirts etc. of the opposing team. How triflin! Why don’t they play The Hockey Game (song) at the Rock?”

Dude, it’s their job to record home team fans for the home team television network. It would look terrible if they were showing opposing fans filling the stands. What’s with using the word trifling? And what’s wrong with using the letter “g” at the end of it? This guy really pissed me off when he started complaining about how they don’t play a song he likes. Get an iPod and stay home.

“…I don’t find the “Hey you suck” goal chant to be at all appropriate, funny, clever, or innovative–it’s just plain ignorant. I had two LA Kings fans sitting next to me, and the verbal abuse to which they were subjected was appalling. I apologized to that couple as I left, and told them that I hoped their team won the Cup.”

Clearly this was written by a woman who doesn’t understand sports. “Hey you suck” was the offensive thing people were shouting? Christ, you’re in Newark. Walk down two blocks and see something much more offensive, like a gang member shoving a gun in your face calling you a motherfucker as he asks you for your wallet.

“Also, overzealous police. I am 60 years old. They took my 2″ swiss army knife I have had for 25 years. Very stupid”

So you have had the Swiss army knife since you were 35, correct? And if it meant something really important to you like it was given to you by a dead relative I think you would have mentioned it, no? So you’re complaining because you were carrying the dumbest kind of knife there is. It was probably an impulse buy anyway during your first mid-life crisis. Good riddance. I hope the police use it to cut their ass hairs.

“I have to say the policy against any kind of food and drinks turned me off when my family was forced to forego the water bottle and snacks my kids love when we entered the stadium…”

This is policy everywhere. No stadium will allow you to bring food because if they let you do this they could not make money off of concessions. How stupid are you? Does everyone go to one hockey game then never comes back? I’m so sorry your children couldn’t get to have the snacks they love so much. Maybe they should have eaten in the car before the game? Your kids sound as terrible as you do.

“Very nice arena but music and announcements are non-stop between plays. The noise level from the music and sound system is way too loud. The atmosphere is manufactured instead of letting the fans create there own noise and atmosphere. Announcer calls the players names like they are wrestlers or boxers.The Devils dancers are bush league. The announcer and music are way too much a part of the event. No place to stand and eat your food other than in your seat. Long lines for condiments because there aren’t enough condiment stations.”

Oh please. Oh please. Oh please. The music sucks, it’s too loud, and the announcer doesn’t say the player’s names the way you want him to? You just have everything handed to you in life don’t ya? I hope your hot dog was dry when you gave up at trying to get some ketchup for it.

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you hate the human race?