Posts Tagged ‘pictures’

My mom was never big into having her picture taken. She had an ideomotor reaction each time a camera was whipped out. Her palm would open and cover her face as she turned her shoulder away from the camera. For a long time I was the same way until a girl who ended up punting my fragile heart into a fire pit told me over MySpace that I was cute. Even if she was lying, it got me to finally accept a picture of me isn’t worth a thousand repugnant swear words like I grew up thinking. At the same time I am humble enough to realize most pictures of me suck. Most pictures of most people suck. Staying specific to myself because like a teenager on Maury might you may say, “You don’t know me,” these are five reasons why I should never be photographed.

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(Can you find me in this picture? I’m the guy a couple thousand miles away avoiding the camera)

1) Pale Skin

My full name is Timothy Michael Boyle. The only way to get more Irish than that would be Drunky McPotato O’Boyle. I have naturally pale skin which never works well with a camera’s flash. Pictures of me need really soft lighting where everything has a yellowish tint to it or I come off looking like the surface of a fresh snowfall. How did I manage to make my pale skin sound so elegant and beautiful? In contrast to darker things than my skin, like an eggshell, I look even paler in photographs than I do in real life. The only thing pale skin is good for these days is getting a nominee for the Republican party and that’s not really my goal in life. I just want to look pretty in pictures without a giant white glow coming off my forehead.

2) Blue Eyes

My blue eyes are one of my best features, which may or may not say a lot about the rest of me. I have had strangers come up to me and say they were lost in my eyes and never returned once entering them. I should really contact their families. Blue eyes are wonderful until a picture is snapped. I look terrifying in many photographs. I get red eye all of the time. Combine that with the white glow from my skin it becomes demonic. The only solution I have come up with for this is always keeping my eyes closed whenever a picture is taken. Whenever I do this it looks worse, but at least nobody is questioning whether or not I am the spawn of Satan. As an aside, I think I am for other reasons.

3) My Face

Let me be a little self-deprecating here for a moment. My face is fine. There are plenty of wonderful things about it and some people enjoy it. At the same time, there are things that could be fixed. What’s up with the rash that shows up on my right upper lip once a week? Why must the veins in my forehead stick out whenever I am even the least bit exhausted? Don’t even get me started on my nose. From a distance there’s nothing strange going on. Up close it looks like the floor of a dog kennel. Lucky for me I have those wonderful blue eyes and a great smile that distracts people from the other disasters going on around my face. Too bad a picture lasts forever and can be zoomed in on. I really don’t want people noticing how gross my skin really is.

4) Unnatural Ability To Look Happy

I would say I smile on average for real five times a day and that is because I eat three meals and usually see two people get physically or emotionally hurt. In pictures I believe you should always do your best to look natural and happy. Unless the picture is taken candidly, I always look stiff. I never know what to do with my hands other than point. Maybe this is why teenage girls squat down with their hands on their knees? There are plenty of pictures of me in existence smiling. Most of the time though it’s just for show and I’m feeling dead inside.

5) Nobody Cares

I’m sounding like a real downer here, but that is not my intent. I hate to waste photographic space on me, somebody who has no stalkers. There are exactly zero people in the world excited to see pictures of me doing anything at all. The most likes I ever got on a Facebook picture was one and he unliked it after he realized his mistake. I am also not one to ever really brag about the things I have done in life, not that there has been much anyway. When you post a picture online of you at the Grand Canyon or a friend’s party, it’s your way of saying “Hey, I matter and people like me.” I don’t matter and a few people think of me as a neutral party. Photographs of me usually float around in picture viewing purgatory without anyone doing more than a quick glance.

Incase you had forgotten or thought I was only joking, here is a poorly done Microsoft Paint job which will serve you as a friendly reminder to our impending doom.

I don’t appreciate good photography. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’ve known really dumb people who can take amazing photographs. It makes me think that if I had a fancy camera that I could do it too.

Photography really is a pretty low form of art. Painters have to have a steady hand. They need to know colors. They need to know motion. Photographers need to point and click a small device. If they fuck up, they can always go back and edit it. And lets face it, most photographers spent a lot of their time cropping photos and then upping the “hue” to the image. I don’t know what hue is. All I know is that it makes me look less human.

I do appreciate cool photographs though. I don’t think that the photographers should get the credit for most of the photos that I like. It’s the moment in time that I should pay homage to. The photographer was just in the right place at the right time with an expensive piece of equipment that does all of the work.

Yeah I know, if you’re a photographer I’m sure you have a billion reasons why you’re an artist. I still don’t think that you are. The highest level you can ever get to is becoming a member of the paparazzi or having your images on a calendar. I haven’t seen a good calendar with real life photos in years. They’re always drawn or painted. And when I do see awesome photos on calendars, they’re shots of bears playing or alligators eating a deer. They’re awesome shots of animals. The only animal you’ve ever taken a picture of was a squirrel in your backyard. Squirrels blow. Unless the animal in the picture can, and will kill me, I don’t want to see it.

So if you’re a photographer and you come across this, I’m sure there will be one person at some point in the history of time, continue to do what you do. But don’t be a hack ass about it. Don’t take black and white photos of yourself. I don’t need to see what you’d look like on an episode of The Munsters. Nothing lies more than a photograph. Photographers are enablers of lies. I’ve seen some gorgeous images of people then came to realize that they’re awful looking. It doesn’t matter if you’re awful looking. What matters is that you tried to pretend that you weren’t. An image that has been altered in any way is a warning sign that you have low self-esteem and are probably chubby and/or pimply. Photographers wish so badly that they could change life. That they can capture a millisecond in time and make it last forever. It’ll never happen. But hey, keep wasting your time. More success for me.

Pictures & Videos

Posted: October 4, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

I don’t post too many pictures or videos here. It’s not because I’m lazy, stupid, or don’t care about you. Those facts about me are irrelevant to my reasoning. The answer is much more simple.

I have seen pictures of naked people. I have seen pictures of lots of naked people. I like these pictures. They’re fantastic. Sometimes they do filthy things in these pictures. Sometimes they look like people I know that I would like to see do those things. When I’m really lucky, I find a picture that looks like someone I know, doing something filthy to someone that looks like me.

Videos aren’t much different. I’ve seen videos of people doing things just as filthy in those pictures. I guess technically, a video of someone doing something disgusting would be like many pictures of it. I’ve seen those. I’ve seen videos so disgusting and degrading that nothing could ever top it.

Words are different than pictures and videos. I have never seen a word that has aroused me. Vagina isn’t bad. Neither is tits. Hell, even balls gets me a little worked up.

I could post more pictures and videos to share, but there isn’t much that I can talk about that you don’t know what it looks like. It’s redundant to write about squirrels and need to post a picture of one. I don’t mind pictures and I rarely will bother watching a video online. A video always says the same thing. Words can mean something completely different each time you read it, especially if you’re like me and sometimes read upside down or backwards.

But for those of you who like looking at pictures and watching videos, I will post one of each below. Or maybe I can be an ass and type out a thousand words and tell you that was my picture. I wouldn’t do that. Not to you.

I will make attempts in the future to have more pictures and more videos.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a picture.

 

 

 

And here is a video.