Posts Tagged ‘politics’

I’ll keep this short and sweet then maybe say something incredibly nasty at the end so you know it’s me. I entered a contest about a month ago where we needed to write a cliffhanger 1,000 words or less. I was excited because I enjoy competition and thought I could slip out of this one with the victory. Low and behold the contest is nothing more than a popularity contest. Its only function is to help the author who put the contest together get more Likes on his author page on Facebook. Fair enough. It’s just a little disheartening that I could have held down the “j” key 80 times and as long as I had a lot of people to vote for me I would have won. Who knows, maybe the contest is rigged and it’s actually not a complete sham. Perhaps there’s some outside chance this contest was not created with the sole intent of promoting his new book.

Still, I’d like to win. Chances are I won’t because people with big families always win these contests and that’s not something I have other than you guys. Awww.

Here are the steps you must take in order to vote for me. Unfortunately you need a Facebook account to do it which seems like this could be a really allegorical point about voters and IDs.

1) Go here

2) Like the page

3) Click on the Contest button

4) CTRL + F then search for “Tim” because that’s me

5) Click on the little “Vote” square at the bottom of my story. You can read it too. You should read it. This is a contest about voting for the best one, right? No. It’s not. Life is bullshit.

6) Make sure it counted your vote

7) Do it again maybe?

8) Beg me to vote for you the next time you need help. I’ll be more than willing.

That’s it. Thank you. Make me a beauty queen.


(This could be me, but you know, not a black female)


By no means am I a religious man. When I was a younger boy I saw a picture of Jesus and thought it was Al Pacino as Serpico in disguise. Most of my religious knowledge comes from The Simpsons, South Park, and a few other parodies. I’ve never had much use for religion in my life. I believe there to be a deep seeded evil in me that prevents it. Despite not being holy I feel the need today to defend religion from an apathetic viewpoint.

(Jesus at his press conference announcing he will be returning in a few days)

Atheists get a bad reputation because many are so strongly against religion of any sort. They’re so against it they say you’re an idiot if you believe in anything having to do with religion. Why though does it matter what other people believe? These are the same people who go around yelling at a person when they find out the guy doesn’t like Die Hard. What does it matter if someone doesn’t have the same viewpoint as you? Isn’t forcing your atheist belief system onto a religious person just as bad as a religious person forcing their outdated belief system on you?

The big thing though is a lot of people who are so anti-religion are very pro everything else. Anti-religious or members believing in antidisestablishmentarianism (I had to throw that in) tend to be very what they call “liberal.” Liberal to me means open-minded to everything, easy going, and probably a drug user. I’m not liberal at all. I’m very close minded because I have lived long enough to know some stereotypes are true, some people are assholes, and Keith Richards is the only guy to ever benefit from drug use and I don’t have near his musical talent to even try following in his footsteps. Liberal has become a word meant to represent “I vote Democrat.” Somehow the word Prickface has come to represent “I vote Republican.” I don’t support either party because I agree with things from both sides. I honestly think at this point the Republicans would do a better job for America but the Democrats will do more to help me personally. I don’t really care about how America does. I care about myself because in the end I’m all I’ve got. Enough about politics though. Let me go back to the less controversial topic, religion.

(I don’t get why Obama is the “good guy” just because he’s a Democrat. Isn’t the President’s job to be the bad guy? Rooting for the president feels to me like rooting for your high school principal)

It doesn’t bug me when people mock religion, I’ll do it myself. What bugs me is when someone mocks religion and can’t take similar mocking about something they believe in. If you make fun of someone’s religion you better be prepared to get made fun of for your race, sexual orientation, or handicap. Some may say race, sexual orientation, and handicap are not choices therefore off-limits. But is religion really a choice? I don’t think anyone would choose religion. That’s not how it works. It’s the same way you don’t choose who you’re attracted to. If it were up to me I would be attracted to houseplants because they’d never turn me down and they can’t scream. There are certain things in a person’s life and in their belief system that isn’t even up to them. Call it fate, destiny, whatever you want. If you want to pull a knife on someone based on their religion be prepared to get a nuke dropped on you for anything.

I doubt religion will ever become a big part of my life. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see a Jesus face in a sandwich one day and I’ll take it as I should stop cursing then I’ll join the cloth. I have bad eyesight so I’ll probably never notice the Jesus face and I’d end up eating a miracle. And although religion isn’t for me it does do a lot of great things. It brings communities together, helps those with addiction, and it gives back more than it takes. Sure, some churches and religions are utterly evil in some way but I think it’s worth it to have some around that actually help out. You wouldn’t (well you might) blow up the entire Middle East just because there are a lot of terrorists there would you? With some bad there is also some good. Buy some strawberries from the supermarket and ignore them for 2 days. You’ll know what I mean.

(Doesn’t the mold look like a beard? Now I wish it was Christmas)

So _________ has won the United States Presidential Election in 2012. I leave the candidate’s name blank for the simple fact that I’m writing this before the election is over and to make a point. I would like to be able to repost this every 4 years. Like The Simpsons Super Bowl episode where they went out of their way to hide their faces when they mentioned the teams in the Super Bowl and the current president, I want to plan ahead to recycle a gag and then never follow through.

(Bonus points to anyone who knows what I’m talking about with The Simpsons here)

My take on politics is pretty simple. It’s the same with life in general. It’s the same as Italian Mob Boss Nino Schiabetta from the television program Oz lives his life by. “Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes.” It’s true. Nothing really does change. Sure, minorities can vote now (even though technically minority races now outnumber white people in this country and considering a woman a minority was never true because they have pretty much forever outnumbered men) and a few other things have changed I guess. What more really is there to change? Gay people get married and marijuana use becomes legalized. I don’t know. That just seems to me like making life even better for college kids. They’d never want to graduate. We’d be a world of Van Wilders.

(This clearly isn’t Ryan Reynolds’ face nor is it Tara Reid’s face. Does she even have a real face? Didn’t she die getting surgery?)

Now that _______ is president for the ________ time, we expect _______ things from him. I still feel confident enough to leave the word him in there. A woman president? Yeah and maybe next we’ll have women actresses. Am I right Shakespeare?

Obama ran on a campaign of hope and change as he did the first time around. Did things get better? Maybe for some folk. I’m not sure what Romney ran his campaign platform on. Honestly I don’t even know what the guy’s voice sounds like. I don’t have cable, Internet at home, or a futuristic talking newspaper brought to my door so it’s kind of hard for me to know what the guy’s voice sounds like. Does he talk funny? I hope so.

(“My name is Mitt Womney and I’m wunning for Pwesident.” – the way I hope he talks)

But my simple point is, no matter who lives in the oval office, my life will not really change. I’m a single white male whose annual earnings is around the poverty line, or so I’ve been told although it doesn’t feel like it because I understand financial responsibility and caring about having a future rather than owning a $25 movie I’ll only ever watch once. Suck on that jab Generation Whatever I Am. I don’t have children, I don’t own property, and I involve myself in as little community events as possible. I’ve never gotten a girl pregnant and I think naked men are only curious looking, not sexy. Whatever President ________ plans to do will not affect me. Unless we fast forward a few years and I actually do make enough money or have close to an “American Dream” lifestyle then maybe it will. For now school systems, property taxes, women’s rights, and other hot button issues would not change a thing in my life so I’m kind of apathetic to it all.

Hopefully you were rooting for ______ and not that loser ______. Unfortunately I’m also aware enough to know I only need to mention two candidates for future posts because a third party will never rise up without bloodshed. There’s really nothing else I wanted to say about politics other than if you won congratulations, not much will probably change. If you lost don’t worry, not much will probably change. A preteen girl in Pakistan had acid thrown on her face for “eyeing” a boy last week. I don’t normally settle but no matter who the candidate is I will settle living in a place where girls aren’t mangled for acting natural.

(Ya know what…some acid might not be so bad)

I’m going to talk about politics here again. I read a book about politics recently. Actually it wasn’t a book. It was a movie. And I didn’t watch the movie. I saw the cover. I’m not even quite positive the movie was about politics. There was a white guy in a suit looking very presidential with a “What has America gotten themselves into this time?” face. It doesn’t matter what the movie was or even what it was about. I don’t need to know a single thing about politics in order to vote. That’s what makes America wonderful. In dictatorships you need to know who is in charge and what part of your body they will slice off if you do not vote for him. Iraqis in the 1990s were more well-informed than anyone in my country ever will be.

(Would you believe people actually saw this movie poster, thought it looked good, paid money to see it, and still walked out of the theater happy? I don’t for a second)

I was driving to work recently when I saw a really hot jogger. She had strong thick legs, little shorts on, and a face I would like to scrape off with a knife it was so adorable. She got me thinking about what it is about me she would hate most. Would she hate that I’m no jogger? Would it be my frugalness? Or maybe we would not see eye-to-eye on religion? Politics is always something I disagree with women on. Mostly because my stance on abortion and gay marriage is so abnormal. I believe abortion should be illegal and the baby should then be married off to a gay man. It’s a nice compromise. The Republicans get no dead babies and the Democrats get happy gays. I tried writing a paper on this back in high school. The teacher quit and was arrested a week later for trying to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb he hated America so much.

During my political thinking I have determined a way for the Democrats to remain in office for almost ever. It’s not a guarantee or anything it would always work. Definitely after Obama though. It’s a bit scary though because it’s never good to have the same political people in power for too long. It’s nice for a switch between Republicans, Democrats, and Whigs. Whenever any idea of thinking is in charge for too long we end up in a funk where the angry people get angrier and the happy people get cockier. This is why I hate elections. People are always extremely pissed or extremely cocky like they had anything to do with the victory. Everyone turns to me and wants to know my opinion. I joke and say I wanted whichever candidate had the cuter butt to win. I’ve never seen it, but I have a feeling Obama has a nice one.

(I’m not saying this does, but it might belong to Obama)

Here is my plan to keep the Democrats in office forever. Not that I want it really. I like a good mix of bad guy/good guy in charge. My idea is to always have a charming black guy with a pearly white smile run as their candidate. Basically every 8 years all they need is a new Obama. This won’t last forever. Even the most open-minded white person will get sick of seeing a black face in charge. Let’s be honest, we would all vote for someone who looked like us. A presidential candidate with the same name as me could run with a crazy belief system and I would vote for him on the fact we have the same name. That’s what this country has come down to, we vote for whoever we would want to have a beer with. Who wants to have a beer with a Republican? We all know black people are so much more fun to party with.

I think a lot of people who voted for Obama did so because they wanted to be a part of history. It’s like whenever any sports record is broken. We don’t care if the guy is on steroids, beats his wife, or has killed a person. We want to be there to witness something every dead person never has. I’m not saying all Obama fans are ill-informed and only voted for him because it was trendy, the thing people with white guilt do, he was Democratic and Republicans are evil, and his name is funny. If you’re over 25 I believe maybe you actually know stuff about the guy. Under this age barrier, I’m pretty sure you get all your news from Comedy Central. If the lead-in to your main news source is South Park then I don’t consider you a very unbiased person.

Gun to my head, who would I vote for? I would vote for Obama. It’s simple really. I am in the income level a Democrat would be under. Now until I manage to make enough money I will remain a little more left wing than right. Once I make millions of dollars by golly I am going to want to keep it. Politics are simple. Democrats want money. Republicans want to keep their own money. When a Democrat accumulates enough cash he becomes a Republican. This is why old people are Republicans and young people are Democrats, money. Young people have no money because they spend whatever they can on condoms, concerts, and chimichangas. Old people can no longer reproduce, all their favorite musicians are dead, and eating beans will kill their colons. So until I own a mansion I will lean slightly to the left because this benefits my interests at the point I am at in my life right now.

(Eastwood used to be a Democrat. He got so distraught he almost killed himself. Then he became successful and didn’t think he should have to share his personal achievements with idiots who stood in his way. I don’t care how crazy you get Clint. With a simple thousand yard stare and a simple “Yeah” you said more than we ever could. Now go paint your wagon)

What do I believe will happen this November? Obama will win. He hasn’t done anything to make his supporters hate him. As long as the economy doesn’t get any worse the Democrats will stay in power. Once the economy does get worse the poor people will want a change. Then they’ll look at the tax breaks the Republican candidate is putting out and see things aren’t so bad the way they are. Politicians need to learn to manipulate the United States citizens. They need to lie to us and make promises they never keep. Don’t be a donkey or an elephant. Be a snake. If politicians were for once willing to get their hands dirty and screw over a few more people then maybe they could gain some control and never leave office. They’ll be in power for so long that we will not even be given a choice for anyone else to vote for. Doesn’t this sound nice and simple?

This November is a big one for the United States of America. On the first Tuesday after the first Monday is Election Day. It is on this day where droves of old people drive out to elementary schools early in the morning to vote, teenage adults cast their ballots based on who Stephan Colbert likes most, and people like me wonder how this can be considered a holiday if I still have to go to work. There are of course other positions being voted upon other than president. We don’t really care about them until they do something silly like accept money from the mafia or kill an intern. Whether we take notice or not, they are the candidates for the political positions. They make tough decisions on how we should live our lives. Here is their story.

Actually no. I’m not going to talk about different political candidates. I don’t want to leave out my Canadian, English, or Indian readers. The Patel and Singh Families would be completely lost. Do Indian people ever have a last name other than Patel or Singh? People outside the United States probably don’t have any idea who Barack Obama even is. I mean, I have no clue who their leader is so why would they know mine? I’m a smart American. I took geography and eat at a French restaurant once a week. I know more about the world than anyone else.

(I have to admit, this is pretty much what I was taught in school)

What I really want to say today is that I am officially announcing my candidacy. Not for any particular position. I would prefer president. They make the most money. The Washington Nationals are also doing pretty good this season and I wouldn’t mind riding the bandwagon in town. I would willingly accept other political positions. Not in any shit town in the middle of nowhere though. Places where you settle arguments with midget tossing do not peak my interest. These are the same towns wealth is measured by the girth of your daughter’s stomach. If you live in a place like this please do not cast your vote for me. Unless I can win M&M’s. I’ve been craving them and won’t feel guilty about eating a bag if given to me via contest victory.

What would I exactly bring to the table as a politician? Things would never be uninteresting. Between the parody songs on television making fun of me and the violent Anarchy on the streets, you will never be bored. But I do have an actual platform. If elected I will grant one wish for every person I rule with an iron fist over. I would go off Genie from Aladdin rules. No bringing anyone back from the dead, no killing anyone, I cannot make someone fall in love with you, and no helping out a Ginger. I know that wasn’t in the movie, but the term Ginger wasn’t popular back then. Plus they figured if they added it in they might look foolish for coming out with The Little Mermaid. It was a rule though. Check the deleted scenes. It’s right after the one where Aladdin is racially profiled at the airport.

(So that’s why he doesn’t wear shoes! Saves him the hassle when he tries flying on Continental)

A presidential election lasts four years long. Unless you get shot. I don’t plan on getting shot as president. I will make us an isolated country. The army’s job would be to protect our borders. No longer will those filthy Alaskans be allowed into our fine country. I would spend most of these four years sitting down with those who have earned a wish. I’m pretty sure most of the wishes would be spending a day with me or possibly a simple kiss on the cheek. Trust me, I am a fantastic cheek kisser. I never miss! Start thinking about your wish now. Like a first impression, you only get one. Except when you’re talking to your grandpa. He thinks you’re someone different each time you visit.

The perfect thing about having me as a politician is I have no dirt on me. None that I’m hiding at least. Yes I’ve said “fuck” in public. Of course I’ve called a woman a whore. There is no doubt I’ve farted and blamed a non-existent dog. I’ve done everything that gets a president impeached. There will be no shocking moments from my past. You elected Obama for change? How’s this for a change, no more lies. I will tell you exactly what the score is with Roswell. I’ll let you know what really happened on 9/11. Have you ever been interested in knowing the names of each Illuminati member? Casting your vote for me will get you this. Act now and I’ll throw in a crappy exercise band all for free.

(I’m so sure this is all she ever does. Too bad they don’t show her arguing at Denny’s about how she can’t eat anything boiled during her cut)

Never have I run for office before. I’m not one of those fat cats with experience. Experience? More like tired and old. Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes you robotic. You’re joining a movement. A revolution. I will make sure you each become a member of the 1%! Mostly because I plan on myself being the .0005% as I will have a few hundred gazillion dollars. But you’ll all be equal and isn’t that what America is about? Equality and making the same amount of money as everyone else? There’s nothing more Democratic than that.

The time is nigh. Do you want politicians who do not grant wishes, hide secrets of aliens, and are poor kissers of the cheek? Of course you don’t. You’re a sane person who has everything figured out. Vote for me. Whatever it is, give me your vote.

Anyone who comes up with a great campaign slogan gets to be my running mate. If the position I win does not have a running mate than I’ll buy you a six-pack of Heineken instead.

It has been said by me right now in this sentence that petitions are like Santa Claus, only children and the mentally handicapped believe in their power. The power of a petition is to cause change. To undue wrongs. Santa Claus doesn’t really have any powers. He can shrink to fit down chimneys, but that’s about it. Giving Santa Claus powers is kind of pointless anyway. He’s no super hero. And what’s he need x-ray vision for? He’s already in your home. If he wants to look down your pants he can yank them down while you dream of sugarplum fairies.

(Sugarplums or Barney the Dinosaur terds?)

Once in my life I participated in a petition. I started the whole thing and everything. All of the Philadelphia sports games were broadcast on a channel called Comcast. Problem was, a cable company by the name of Cablevision had a monopoly on my area. This was before Fios and all of those other ways around this problem. I think this was legal because they said if you don’t want Cablevision you can go fuck yourself. So with that logic you had other options.

I knew I was not alone in my desire to bring Comcast Network to my town. I had learned in school about guys like Gandhi who took down entire empires by not eating. It was chicken patty day twice that week. I wasn’t about to go missing out on those for what I truly believed in. Instead I chose to gain support through a petition, sort of. I’ve always had a fear of clipboards as the clips on those boards remind me of bear traps. I would have to instead rely on word of mouth. The most reliable source of all. How else do you think everybody heard about films like The Hunger Games or The Avengers? Advertisements? The Internet? You’re fooling yourself. We all know those movies exist because we overheard an 18-year-old girl talking about it with frozen yogurt on her lip.

(Christ, she’s in here enjoying her Froyo while everyone else is trying to get in and escape the zombies)

Art supplies were never lacking in my home. My mom always wanted me to be artistic. She bought me countless books on how to draw. One time I successfully traced the Road Runner off of a cup. Since then it’s been kind of downhill. I had construction paper with colors from all of the Philadelphia teams. Red for the Phillies and 76ers. Green for the Eagles. Orange for the Flyers. I made little notes on these pieces of construction paper with messages about voting “Yes for Comcast” and other things that I’m sure I misspelled. My book bag was filled with them. It was time to spread them out to the rest of the fourth grade class.

I think this was the same year that Mmm Bop was a single because I remember the same guy who reminded me of the Hanson kids sitting next to me on the bus that morning. I had a great pitch. I asked him if he liked each of the teams, one by one. He liked them all. Until he got to my Phillies. He agreed that he liked their colors though and would support my cause. Once at school I had similar success. Students ran up to me from all grades wanting to know what the fat kid was handing out. I remember bullies coming up to me asking for more construction paper notes to make into paper airplanes then throw into the eyes of nerds. It wasn’t my original intention, but the message was at least getting out there. Even if it was being used as detention evidence.

(Never trust a kid who bases his life decisions on enjoyment of the color red)

Being a kid I figured I would be successfully. Close to 50 kids in my elementary school knew my cause! If they all tell each of their parents and they all had no dead parents that would be 150 people who knew! Then their parents would tell all of their friends and I’d finally be able to watch every single sporting event that I wanted! If only life was that simple.

A commercial aired a few months later. Much later than the voting ended. It was one of those crappy local commercials where a stagehand walks by in the background with a donut. The ones where local businessmen come in screaming and by the end of the commercial they’re whispering. This particular commercial featured an old guy in a suit. He stood behind two stacks of “votes.” Am I that old where they actually used to keep paper votes? One stack was much higher than the other. Like way higher. Imagine the tallest building you know. Now imagine a dog’s penis. That was the scale between the two. The old guy explained how Comcast would not be coming to our local cable provider. The people had spoken. If I remember correctly, only around 400 voted “Yes.” It was over 10,000 who gave it the “No.” Fuck. All that construction paper wasted for nothing.

(This picture to brought to you by the Morgan Elementary School Class of 1999. I only remember that was the year because I graduated 5th grade the same year as Columbine)

It took a few years, but Comcast finally come to my area. Most people voted “No” because it would be an extra $5 a month or something like that. I don’t blame them now for voting the way they did. This was during the peak of when the New York Yankees were all taking steroids. Nobody cared about Philadelphia. Especially not their loser teams. Even more importantly I learned that you can’t count on children for anything. That’s why whenever I see a school bus hanging off a ledge I continue on. No use in helping them. They’ll just help disappoint me.

I do my best to make my life into a cartoon. It’s not too hard. Most people I know are very cartoonish. They do stupid things like buy devices to catch road runners or watch Glee. One thing that makes life very much like a cartoon is the entrance theme. You know, music that goes with a particular character. Lots of people have entrance themes. Every time a batter comes up to the plate in baseball music hits. When a wrestler comes out for a match, he has his own special music. Even the idiots Jay Leno interviews have some tune played for them as they walk to a couch that has so many famous farts imprinted in the cushion that it must be worth millions.

Today I would like to provide some entrance themes for a particular group of people. Politicians. I don’t know much about politics at all as my favorite radio program is Coast To Coast AM which discusses ghosts and aliens, not the fat cats in Washington. Not that there isn’t much of a difference between the paranormal as there is with politicians. Both scare the shit out of me. So here they are. Songs I think politicians I see people on Facebook complaining about. Like I said, I don’t know much about them. I’m just going off of their names, character flaws, and stereotypes. Feel free to contribute anything better than what I have.

Barack Obama – Back in Black by ACDC

I’ll start simple with this one. If Obama wins again, he should use this. Get it? Because he’s back and he’s black. I can hear your laughter from here. If he loses, perhaps he could go with something like Hey, Hey, My, My by Neil Young. We’d have to use the “Into the blue and out of the black” version which doesn’t exist, but Neil’s already redone that song so many times he can make it happen. I don’t know how this would work. Unless one of those blue Kentucky people I am obsessed with becomes president it wouldn’t make sense. Leave it to Neil Young to release the same song twice and change the order of colors and call it new.


Rick Santorum – Welcome Home (Sanitarium) by Metallica

This would need to be a cover version where instead of Sanitarium they say Santorum. The basic chorus of the song would go “Rick Santorum, leave me be. Rick Santorum, just leave me alone.” I don’t know much about Ricky. I do know that he seems to get shit on a lot by my massively liberal Facebook friends. I don’t get how you could hate someone so much that you post mean things about them on a Facebook status. That’s like the ultimate insult and always gets someone to change their vote, right?


Chris Christie – Tomorrow by Silverchair

You need to know the chorus to this song to get this joke. You also need to know that Chris Christie is one huge fat fuck. He’s the governor of my home state of New Jersey yet I have never heard anyone say a single nice thing about him. I know he’s screwed over the teachers and the cops. I kind of get why though. People are stupid and they want lower taxes but they also want teachers and cops to get paid a lot and be plentiful. You can’t have both. That wouldn’t make sense. Anyway, he’s still a fat fuck. Listen to the chorus where they say “fat boy” over and over again then you’ll see what a hoot this is.


Herman Cain – Big Dumb Sex by Soundgarden

This guy really fell off the radar. I think it had something to do with a sexual assault, no? I hope so. Otherwise this joke makes no sense. I guess I could add it into any politician. They’re all sexual perverts. The chorus to this selection is simply “I know what to do, I’m gonna fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck you-fuck you!” which is basically the summation of every politician ever. Both literally and financially.


Mitt Romney – Anything by The Killers

Way too easy. Mitt Romney is a Mormon and so is the guy from The Killers. I could go with a few different selections. “Can You Read My Mind?” for the people who think he’s a bullshitter who isn‘t letting us know what his intentions are. For those who think he’s great I could go in the direction of “Mr. Brightside.” But because I’m in charge here I will go with my favorite song by them, “Don’t Shoot Me Santa.” Nobody wants to get shot by Santa. If he runs on this platform, of preventing Santa from shooting my face, I may have to contemplate voting for him then not doing it.


Rick Perry – Paranoid by Black Sabbath

Have you figured out yet that I know nothing about country or pop music? This would have to be another cover song where the lyrics are slightly changed. Obviously instead of Paranoid it would be “Perrynoid.” I never understood the lyrics to this song as it’s Ozzy singing it. I don’t understand much of what Rick Perry’s thought process is on his beliefs. Let’s not change anything then. For the sake of giving this shit-bird a bad theme, he gets a Lady Gaga song since he hates gays so much.


Michelle Bachman – Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Need I say more? Simply read about Mrs. Bachman for 5 minutes and tell me she isn’t. I only know this song because my sister listened to this all the time when she was 5. She’s a Colombian drug lord now.


Newt Gingrich – The main theme from How the Grinch Stole Christmas by the dead guy who sings it

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Gingrich” has such an amazing ring to it. He divorced his wife while she had cancer. What a Michelle Bachman! He has such a weird name too. Like too weird where he will never be president. What’s with guys with names like Barack, Mitt, and Newt in politics? I miss the days of everyone being named George or Andy. The only difference between Gingrich and The Grinch is that Newt would never steal Christmas. He’s not nearly as smart as The Grinch to pull it off. Oh, I went there.


Ron Paul – Crazy Bus from the television show Arthur

Say what you want about Ron Paul, he’s nuts. That’s all you had to say? Okay then. He’s different. I will give him credit for that. I would love to have him as some sort of advisor. He pitches random ideas and when he comes up with something good we use it. I don’t think he’s presidential material. He reminds me too much of a normal eared Ross Perot, who by the way I voted for in the 4th grade presidential election. He got 25 votes in the entire school of about 600. My friend’s older brother said that it was a good choice because Ross Perot likes sports. He wasn’t being sarcastic either. See where my political influences came from? No wonder the world is ending in a couple of months.

This year is an election year in America. In other words, it means we get really excited that things will change but we all secretly know they won’t. This disappointment leads to something else. It’s called a revolution. I see that word every year. Mostly coming from the lips of people who have no idea what they’re talking about. Usually, soaked in whiskey.

(Future Freedom Fighters of America)

Sure, I would love if things were different. That would be great. I also know that a revolution isn’t the way to go. The Beatles, who were never held accountable for inspiring the Manson Family Murders, had a song where they talked about a revolution. Are they the best people to lead a revolution? They couldn’t even stick together. Before they even became famous they kicked out their drummer. That’s not loyalty. For a revolution to start you need to be loyal to the cause. They tossed Pete Best out into the streets of Liverpool like he wasn’t the best option. He clearly was. His last name said so. Instead they went for Ringo Starr. They cared more about stardom then they did about being the best. Fuck the Beatles. Fuck them and their “all you need is love” mentality. You need more than love. You need the ability to duck from the bullets of fat retarded fan boys.

(He kind of does look like Lennon with a few extra pounds and insanity)

I don’t believe that most people who want this revolution to take place really know what they’re getting into. The American Revolution was huge. It led to freedoms that never existed before. Same thing goes for the French Revolution. They got to cut off their leader’s head! All because she told them to go eat cake. That’s how you know people are pissed off. When they are told to eat a delicious dessert and they cut off your head. A revolution in this country wouldn’t really get us much. What freedoms don’t we really have? We can’t run around naked and we can’t control other people’s minds. I would love to do both of those things. I walk around naked for hours at home and whenever I see a cute girl I always attempt to get her to think “I want to kiss him. Get up and kiss him.” Those things will probably never be possible. I won’t go into why but I’ll blame the Republicans because they’re easy to blame for things I don’t understand.

(It’s Ron’s fault I couldn’t find my car in the parking lot the other day)

Starting a revolution means a few things. For starters, lots of people are going to die. I mean a massive amount. At least a third of us would have to die to just prove a point. I don’t know if that’s really worth it. I’m not willing to die so that people who don’t exist yet have even more rights than they would already have in today’s world. I don’t think you would be willing to either. Some countries do need bloody violent revolutions. That’s because in those countries they live in huts and can’t have their late night talk show hosts do parody interviews about their leaders. Have you seen an episode of The People’s Republic of the Congo’s “Late Night with Dirikeyumbo Mononotouba”? It’s all dick jokes. That one mention of how oppressive the dictator is. The second thing that I will mention about revolutions in this paragraph is that there are too many damn people in the United States for it. We’re too big and too spread out for it to ever be successful. What will end up happening is we’d break up into little territories. We’d basically become Russia. Nobody wants to be Russia. They’re so 80s.

I really don’t even know what there is to complain about politically in this country. Yeah, the distribution of wealth stinks. Families hoard all of their money and for generations their spoiled kids go on to be wealthy and successful too. The only way to stop this is to stop fucking these people. If you meet a Kennedy, do not sleep with them. Don’t let the Carnegies, the Bushes, and the Rockefellers of the world into your pants. If we stop having sex with them then they stop existing. Think of them like pandas. Let’s make those tycoons extinct by forcing them to have sex with each other only to produce inbred children with ears for legs.

I urge you, don’t start a revolution. Leave your Muse songs or your Rise Against music in your file of music title “Good idea, bad approach.” Yeah, the government stinks and they could probably do more to help us out. I just don’t think things are so bad when the worst thing that happens in your day is that your iPad has too much grease on the screen.

I’m a very nervous person. You’d never know it if you saw me. I’m actually a descendant of the guy from the film West Side Story known as Ice. You know, the guy that sings that song that goes “Let’s play cool” as in a reference of his nickname Ice which is cool. Cool as ice. See? Now you understand Vanilla Ice. He’s a cool white guy. Rap suddenly makes 1% sense.

(My great-uncle Rodney T. Winterbottom VII, the man who got me into musical theater)

When I get nervous, I think up worst case scenarios. They never come true. Not even close, ever. It’s silly really. I avoid doing things for fear that the worst possible thing might happen. Today’s post is more for therapeutic purposes. For me to work out the worst case scenarios in certain situations that I might not feel at ease with. Maybe it’ll help your problems too. And if it doesn’t, I don’t care.

Nervous Moment #1: Asking someone out

I still get nervous asking someone out. I think a lot of us do. We think that we’ll be rejected. We came into this world rejects. Our moms wanted so little to do with us that they were willing to cause great pain to themselves to get rid of us out of their bodies. Now we’re left thinking everyone is out to hurt us.

I remember the first time I asked a girl for her phone number. It was scary. I had seen a friend of mine do it once before. His confidence amazed me. Especially because he was such a stupid guy. But maybe his stupidity helped him. He wasn’t able to think up a worst case scenario of facing rejection. He also likes the band Nickelback. I mean, really likes them. See the kinds of people I’m dealing with? Once you admit you like Nickelback you can admit you’re a kid toucher and people suddenly think a little bit better of you.

(Raise your hand if you have bad taste in music)

The worst case scenario that can happen being rejected by someone whom you are asking out is that they say no. That’s actually not true. I think having a girl say to me “Sorry, I already have a boyfriend” is much worse. At least saying no is definite. It means that things will never change. It’s permanent. It’s death to my heart. Saying that she already has a boyfriend is like her saying if I was to kill her boyfriend, like say he falls off a bridge suspiciously, I might have a shot. But then I’d have to murder someone to get with her. That makes me more nervous. I think in my head that if I ask a girl out and she says no that I can’t go anywhere else in that town ever again. It’s so ridiculous that I believe I should be committed for thinking this way. It’s her loss, right? That’s what people who aren’t good enough tell themselves. I saw a guy on the street one time, well-dressed and well-groomed go right up to a woman and say “What are you doing Friday night?” She looked at him strange and said she was busy. He moved on. That’s the answer to all of our problems. Move on.

Nervous Moment #2: Pooping in a public restroom

I know, so amateur of me to write about. But it’s something that I am very touchy about. It’s a sensitive subject. I only do it when I really have to. Or if I think of a really good prank to pull.

Why am I nervous about it? Everybody poops! Well, you see, in my head I have this scenario. I go into the bathroom and do my business. The smell is terrible. Ungodly. It’s loud. It’s like a high school marching band but better. Someone enters and sees my feet. I exit and go out to wherever it is I am and they recognize my shoes. They look at me and think “That’s the guy who shits.” He’ll say it loudly and point. Possibly imitate the sounds of my colon. The rest of the citizens around him will join in. Pointing and laughing. Sticking their tongues out to make fun. I’ll never be able to show my face in public ever again just because I had to get something high fiber for lunch.

That would never happen. Nobody cares enough to make fun of me. I only think that might happen because that’s exactly what I think in my head when I see someone else shit. I’m a very observant person. I might not look at a woman’s shoes most of the time, but I notice a man’s shoes when they’re poking out from underneath a stall. Don’t wear gold boots. They’re a death sentence for shitters. I can spot them for far away. The real worst case scenario with public shitting is that you might clog a toilet and have to ask for assistance. Or you find a human head in the toilet. Much more likely than having a bully make fart noises in the mall food court at you.

(“McFly took a big shit. Let’s get him Ryan from The OC.”)

Nervous Moment #3: Sharing

Sharing can be a difficult thing for males. We’re told that we’re not allowed to cry. We’re not allowed to show weakness. We’re not allowed to wear a dress. I blame the media, mostly. They’re easy to blame. The media is faceless and nameless. There are also a lot of Jewish people working in the media and they’ve been blamed for so much already that it rolls right off their backs.

I try to share as many of my thoughts as I can. Certain ones can only be shared with certain people. Certain thoughts need to be bottled up and tossed into the ocean. There are much stranger things floating around in my head than I am ever willing to share out loud. I get nervous with sharing because like my two previous nervous moments, they involve rejection and being made fun of. If I have an idea that isn’t any good then someone will say “That sucks!” then someone else will yell out “Stupid!” These things actually do happen. Nobody likes a bad idea. Especially when it invades their creativity.

(Not the best idea that people have ever had)

The problem with sharing something personal is that it can totally creep a person out. We have no real line to draw with what is okay to share and what isn’t. We’re told to not bottle anything up which is absolute horse-hockey (grandmother for fucking bullshit). There are certain things you should never share. Worst case scenario for that? You get thrown in prison, you lose all your friends, no one respects you, it’s endless. So sharing still makes me nervous because those worst case scenarios are real. Bottle it up kiddos. Nobody needs to know everything about you.

Overall when speaking of worst case scenarios it comes down to this. The worst case scenario for most of us is death. You say something stupid then you die. That’s the worst thing that can possibly happen for most of us. Not for me. I think the worst case scenario is saying something stupid and not dying. Having to live with everyone knowing I uttered out stupid rhetoric. Embarrassment hurts much more than death. At least with death I won’t care anymore. Do dead bodies blush?

The most famous political family in the United States is probably the Kennedy Family. Well, one could argue that the Bush Family is more famous. So the Kennedy family is the most famous family whose name starts with a K. Unless you count the Kardashians. I don’t consider them human beings, but they do have social security numbers which makes them the same species as me. Yuck! Okay, so the Kennedy Family is the most famous family whom have never put out a sex tape. Actually, I remember hearing there was a sex tape of Marilyn Monroe. Rumor has it, the penis in the video belonged to a Kennedy. Where’s that leave us? The Kennedy Family is the most famous family with big heads? I can’t think of any others. Lets go with that.

(This was the handsome president???)

Everybody knows the political members of the Kennedy Family. The most famous being the president, John Federico (I’m guessing there) Kennedy, abbreviated JFK. He was assassinated in Dallas after promising to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. I’m sure you’ve seen the video by now. It’s pretty popular online. Like pictures of cats with misspelled words or pictures of crashed cars with “Fail!” written below in bold white lettering. JFK getting shot is a meme. What a sick country.

The second most famous Kennedy is Robert Faustino (I’m assuming there) Kennedy, abbreviated RFK. He was also killed. The difference between the killings was that JFK died outside and RFK died inside. JFK’s murder has a lot of controversy behind it and RFK’s murderer has been claiming that he was under mind control spells by the government to do it. If you look in an encyclopedia, Lee Harvey Oswald is credited with the kill on JFK. A man named Sirhan Sirhan (because the name is so good you have to say it twice) is credited with the kill on RFK. JFK had a movie made about his murder. It was directed by Oliver Stone. Kevin Costner and Tommy Lee Jones were in it. RFK had a movie made about his murder. It was directed by Emilio Estevez. Lindsay Lohan was in that one. And that’s all you need to know about those two men.

Some of the lesser known people with the Kennedy name are much better than any of the politicians. We know how much Teddy Kennedy sucks. Most people named Teddy do. The name Teddy should be reserved for bears. Let us delve into the world of other Kennedy’s, not named Teddy. I will make predictions on how they will die and by whom.

Ian Kennedy

Starting pitcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, Ian Kennedy had a phenomenal season last year. He was near the tops in the Cy Young Award voting for the National League. He’s never really been very good before last year either. I don’t believe he shares the same blood as any of the political family. It’s possible though. I can see him dying after a game while refusing to sign autographs. Baseball players hate signing autographs. They get off on disappointing fans. A man named Anthony Michael Hall (no relation to the actor of the same name) will stab Ian to death with a Sharpie pen. Ian will regret ever having letting one good season get to his head. He’ll survive the attack but die at the hospital when he refuses to sign himself in thinking it was a trick to get his autograph. Yeah, I used to collect sports autographs and I’ve seen how players go from being the nicest men alive to being the biggest dicks in human kind. My prediction is very possible.


I don’t know what her real name is or what her real job is either. She hosts some game shows and is the only woman to ever wear Tina Fey glasses and not be hot in a nerdy way. She has a bit of attitude about her and I see that being her downfall. After Pat Sajak is arrested for harboring terrorists (I’m as surprised as you are) she will be the one to take over hosting duties for Wheel of Fortune. Vana White, being a radical hater of women with speaking jobs will quit and begin a coup to eliminate Kennedy. Wheel of Fortune never has Arabs on and I believe they will complain about this. A terrorist whose name in Wheel of Fortune Puzzle is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ – _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ will get on the show and blow himself up during one of their theme weeks. Cruise week maybe? Nobody likes that one. Kennedy will be another member of people named Kennedy to die in public and on video. Vana White will be taken away and imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for what she thinks was a just cause. Guards will touch her vagina to see if it lights up and it will.

Mr. Kennedy

A wrestler whose gimmick was saying his name. I always liked Mr. Kennedy. Then backstage politics got him fired. Now he works for the lesser known company called TNA as Mr. Anderson. He’s still a Kennedy. That’s why he’s doomed. I don’t think Mr. Kennedy will die in the ring. It’ll wait until after retirement. Nobody watches TNA. It would go unnoticed. He’ll be doing pushups by his giant pool when it happens. His fed up with his job gardener, Raul Eusebio, will attack him with bush trimming sheers. Mr. Kennedy will try to defend it, do a few of his wrestling moves, and soon realize that they do not help at all in a real fight. This will be like one of those non-political Kennedy deaths. Didn’t they have a baby fall out a window? Or am I just thinking of Eric Clapton’s kid? I thought it was both. A guy who has a song named Cocaine leaves his baby unattended near an open window. No wonder nobody was shocked. Mr. Kennedy’s death will be a sad one. It’ll also be the first time a professional wrestler has passed away without involvement of drugs or suicide. Sometimes it’s not a good thing to be first. Neil Armstrong is overrated.

Dead Kennedys

The punk band from the 1980s with songs that you’ve never heard of like Holiday in Cambodia and Kill the Poor. I like them, even if their singer wails instead of sings. His name is Jello too. He wasn’t always fat and now he is. He should have named himself Long-Happy-Life-Of-Being-In-Shape and I guarantee he’d be that and not the fat guy he is today. I see this band getting back together. They do a farewell tour. Due to faulty wiring, the pyrotechnics will explode on each member. They will run around like Michael Jackson did during that Pepsi Commercial, hair blazing. Well, the hair they have left. These guys are like 50 now. It will later be revealed that the wiring was set up to be faulty on purpose. We’ll all try to find the culprits and it will take years before we discover who the killers are. It’ll be the surviving members of the Mighty Mighty Bostones. At least, that’s the impression that I get.

That’s enough Kennedys for now. Mostly, those are the only Kennedys I can think off the top of my head. I hope none of them do die in the harsh ways my crystal ball tells me they will. I want them to all live long and happy lives free of the Kennedy Curse.