Posts Tagged ‘prayers’

Here’s a conversation that has never happened.

“[insert something bad that has happened] to me.” – Person 1

“I’m so sorry to hear! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” – Person 2

“Thank you. I appreciate it. However, it would be far more helpful for you to do something.” – Person 1


“No thank you. I am more comfortable thinking about your problem. To further help, before bed I will get on my knees, place my hands together, and ask someone else to offer their services to you.” – Person 2

“Okay. Thank you for doing the minimal.” – Person 1


“Are things any better?” – Person 2

“Yes they are. I figured it out.” – Person 1

“It’s because I thought about your problem. It’s also because I got on my knees, placed my hands together, and asked someone else to offer their services to you.” – Person 2

“No.” – Person 1

I hate when people offer me their thoughts and prayers; although they rarely do. If people really were keeping people in their thoughts they would be immobile. If ever happen to pray for me I would like to know the exact words you use–just for curiosity’s sake. Never keep me in your thoughts or prayers if death is involved. That’s weird. I will then become “that person with a dead person they knew” if you have me in your thoughts and your prayers will have something to do with a zombie. Or maybe a vampire. According to True Blood lore, if someone dies you can bury them with a vampire and they will become a vampire’s slave. And that television program knows a lot of shit about logic.

tonydanza(“Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.” – Tony Danza lending a helping hand)


Posted: September 9, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

I believe in the power of prayer. I don’t do it anymore. That’s because the one prayer I ever needed to make came true. I was five and this was it:

“Dear God, please never be there for me, everyone I love, and every starving child in the world who unjustly has to suffer only because they were born out of the wrong woman. Let there be massive flooding in some parts of the world and not nearly enough in others. If you could, God, please make me and everyone else self conscious of themselves, not self aware, but self conscious. We shouldn‘t like ourselves enough even though we aren‘t so bad. Let the bad guys win more than the good guys. Let the government take advantage of the poor. God, I want you to let people get sick and suffer. I want the innocent to be murdered out of greed and lust. Finally, God, let suffering to continue both in the minds and bodies of every living person until the day they eventually die and no longer exist.”