Posts Tagged ‘racism’

Inventor of the “N-Word” Upset over Lack of Royalties

Modern American society has made the “N-Word” a dirty one to use. When inventor of the original word Earl Patterson first coined the word in 1845 during a card game, he immediately realized he had struck oil.

“I was onto something. It just came out of my mouth and felt right,” said Patterson. “Me and the boys [other racist gold miners] always needed some word to use and I came up with it all on my own.”

Like many other inventors, Patterson began to receive royalty checks from the United States Government for coming up with such a useful term at the time. Patterson had a trademark and used his new word to help him get endorsement deals with the Kellog’s Company, the second K in the notorious group the KKK.

“Life was easy after that. I quit my job and started doing advertisements. My grandchildren’s children would be set as long as someone didn’t come around to ruin it.”

Someone did come around to ruin it. Patterson who had been receiving one gold coin each time anyone ever uttered the actual full “n-word” had of all people Thomas Edison after his fortune.

“I knew Edison was a dick and all. Everybody did. He was named after a crappy town in Jersey. How could he not suck?” said Patterson.

Thomas Edison, best known for being a thieving dick, saw he could not simply steal the paten Patterson had on the word. Instead Edison made it so usage of the actual word would be seen as intolerant and bad. Edison then paid for the rights to the shortened and edited version, “n-word.” After successfully seizing up the rights to the loophole in using a derogatory word, Edison began receiving more checks than Patterson.

“Nobody wants to get called a racist anymore,” said Patterson. “They are more likely to say Edison’s version than mine.”

Patterson attempted to have lawyers contact Edison to work out a deal where they could share both words since they essentially mean the same thing and one is not more racist than the other when you really think about it and what should really matter is context more than anything else. Edison did not respond to any of Patterson’s inquiries. Since 1931, Thomas Edison has been M.I.A. to the public, Missing In being Alive.

A spokesperson for Edison, his great-grandson Trevor Edison, said that Edison never intended to screw over Patterson. Thomas Edison’s only intent was to make as much money as possible and project a much cuter image than the truth to his name.

As far as the claim that Patterson is a racist goes, he had this to say–

“Yes I am a racist. I grew up in the 1800s. Everyone from that era hated black people and I found a way for the hate to be a little less violent. Do I feel bad about it? Sure. But don’t judge me on this one achievement. All I did was come up with a word that we have all used at least once with our car windows rolled up.”

Georg Albert Bruetsch, about 1900.(Earl Patterson, inventor of the N-Word)

 

Last night at an exhibition hockey game in London, Ontario (showing the originality of Canadian city names, breakdown Newfoundland into three words and tell me that that isn’t the lousiest name ever) a fan threw a banana onto the ice while Philadelphia Flyers African-Canadian player Wayne Simmonds was taking his part in a sudden death shootout. Wayne scored the goal despite the piece of fruit hitting him, but that’s not what everyone is paying attention to.

I’m not sure where the fan got the banana. The fact that they had one shows that they had intentions to do something with it. Nobody brings bananas to a hockey game unless they are planning something bad or have an extreme potassium deficiency. It’s weird that it took them the entire game to finally throw it onto the ice. They had to have had that planned. They went to a lot of effort for this. They had to go on the Internet and research the Flyers roster, find out that there was a black player on the team, go to the store and hatefully purchase a banana with a clenched fist and asshole (probably several bananas, you’d look creepy buying one), go to the game and wait around with a banana in their pocket, and then finally after regulation, throw the banana at the player. At no time in this entire process did they think that what they were doing was wrong. For at least 5 hours, suggesting that they purchasing the banana pre-game, all they could think about was throwing a banana at another human being. Lets say that they bought the banana a day early. That banana sat in their home next to apples and cornucopias while they waited to go to the game to declare their hatred for all black people. I envy this man. To have such resistance to not eat a banana and instead waste it by trying to start a race war. Bananas don’t last more than 5 minutes in my home.

I get why the banana thrower did what he did. I totally do. He wanted to make a statement and see if maybe he could get the Grand Wizard of the Canadian KKK (they’re actually called the CCCC, Canadian Clu Clux Clan, not to be confused with many community colleges in America) to blow him. They haven’t been able to identify who the man who threw the banana was yet, but we all know how much idiots like to brag about stupid shit they do that it will come out.

Rage, disgust, and hatred aren’t words that describe how I feel about this. Indifferent is more like it. I understand what happened was unacceptable, but I’m not involved. I’m not black, I’m not from the Canadian London, and I don’t care about the outcome of a preseason hockey game. People will take this as a reflection of how most hockey fans feel about blacks which is untrue. Categorizing all groups of people into one, especially when it’s negative, is usually false. One fruit wasting Canadian jack-off (that may be redundant) who hates black people is not a representation of anything more than his own emotions and feelings. Don’t forget that. We are all responsible for our own actions and behavior. One bad apple doesn’t spoil the bunch. We have freewill.

The strangest thing about all of this to me is that if something like this happened 50 years ago, the man who threw the banana would have been elected mayor. 80 years ago he would have already been the mayor. 150 years and he would have been the greatest hero of all time. Human kind has come really far in the last 100 years. In the western world, at the very least, people are treated as equals for the most part. The world has existed for millions of years. Millions! People have been around for like 12,000 or so, I’m not sure. That’s something everybody should know but even scientists aren’t positive about that. Anyway, out of those 12,000 years of human existence, only have about 150 of them been in a world where slavery is seen as bad. Holy shit! 12,000 divided by 150 is 80. I don’t know what that means but it doesn’t matter. The odds of living in a time when slavery is viewed as wrong is so slim. More people have lived under a pro-slavery regime than haven’t. How bout them apples–or bananas for that matter.

What I am trying to say is that things take time. You can’t turn around traditions overnight. We’ve made tremendous progress as humans in the last 100 years alone. When the first plane was invented women couldn’t vote. Human beings could fly through the air yet women were not allowed to write down what crook they wanted to represent them at city council meetings. It’s amazing. Appreciate the times you live in. Anybody reading this is the in the top one percentile of all-time in health and freedoms. Racism will not die overnight so stop babying people into thinking that it should. We need dumb Canadians to throw bananas at tough black guys to remind us all how good we’ve all got it.