Posts Tagged ‘radio contests’

Unsuccess is not a word. I chose it though because using failure is demeaning and too accurate to my 2013 year. You can’t spell the made up word unsuccess without success. It’s being a little more positive. For instance, I believe the glass is always half empty. The glass is half empty because it started out that way and the end result is an empty glass always. Glass half full means more will be added and even if this were the case eventually the glass would overflow with root beer and that’s the semen of colas. I think it’s because how sticky it is.

root beer(Not sure how a liquid qualifies as food. Oh wait, it’s American. That’s why)

Anyway, I want to do a brief review of everything I have unsuccessed at this past year. Yes, I know I should probably say “been unsuccessful at” but I’ve already explained, there’s nothing full or ful about bad news.

Writing Failures:

I entered a lot of contests this year. It’s odd too because New Year’s Eve I got my first professional review and it was pretty good. I thought this was the year my dreams would come true. Not so fast. I’m a white male living in the worst time period to be a white male. I didn’t bother entering another contest because they look for diverse people and last year I lied and said I was Jewish and had a speech impediment to sound diverse. I had two scripts entered into one contest, neither of which received any awards despite one being absolutely terrific. I failed again with another script for the third year in a row in this contest. I’ve submitted something different every year too. I also stayed within the required page range. What am I doing wrong? And this is the same network that brought us The New Girl I’m entering to.

ng_30_bath_group_1_2813_R2.jpg(Their living situation is complicated and they are diverse. So funny)

Other Creative Failures:

Remember when I thought for sure I would be on the radio? Yeah that was silly of me. I’m not sure the guy who won actually got anything out of it. He was probably like me and lied about where he lived and they found out. The worst thing was I failed twice at this. It sucks to fail once. Failing twice is even harder. I can’t even give the “this has never happened before” excuse because it has happened, and twice right there in front of everybody. That really broke my heart because I thought I put on a bigger effort than some of the other douches. And yes they are douches, mostly because they got something I did not.

tim and carter final image(July-Good luck everyone! December-Fuck you all)

Girl Failures:

How quiickly can I sum up my failures with the 3 billion of these things on the planet? The first one I remember failing with was because she took my joke that we should get married too serious I suppose and stopped talking. Another one accused me of biting her, which was total bullshit because she said she would have sex with me if she didn’t like me. What’s a boy to think? The biggest failure was the one who I liked so much I made her last name a password of mine. We got along great and then suddenly she began ignoring me until finally she deleted me from Facebook. So basically I can never say I hope another human being doesn’t get cancer.

Hitler in Paris(The last girl was a big Francophile so I’m dedicating this picture to her)

Other Writing Failures:

Before I discovered Yahoo, oh wonderful Yahoo and your willingness to accept anything, I tried submitting to College Humor and another website, McSweeney’s or something like that. I don’t know. Nobody reads it. Everything I submitted to both websites were rejected. I submitted a lot too. A daily routine of mine was writing as much for them all morning long until my afternoon jazzercise program. Eventually I gave up because as you can see above, I was getting a little too comfortable with the fail.

Cho Seung-Hui(Probably the only college student who would appreciate my humor)

Life in General:

Life itself is a fail for me. The worst thing about it is that all of these failures have made me a bad person. I’m not even trying to get people to say “Oh stop! You’re such a sweetie pie.” Not that I would stop you. I find myself through all of these failures becoming bitterer and spiteful which in the end makes me manipulative and unsympathetic. It’s really hard to get me to feel bad for anyone, although I would pretend to do it if I could get something in return. So basically my failings have turned me into a monster. This will turn out well for no one.

tongue(I actually like how the tongue is a good progression of a person. You start off sweet, become a little salty, then turn sour, and finally end up bitter)

What have you failed at this year?

I will also do a follow-up to this with my 2013 successes just so you know I’m not a whiny bitch, which I am but I am trying to manipulate you into thinking I am not.

These could be the final days. I doubt they are. The Mayans all agreed on one day to be their final day and they were wrong. I’m one man picking my own final day. The odds are against me.

What exactly are these the final days of? In a matter of a few weeks, beginning Monday, I will hear back from a lot of contests that I have entered in the last few months. I will find out if dead people have birthdays or not. I will learn if the world is ready for the Jersey Devil to begin his feast. My name’s origin, I’ll know if it truly does mean awful. Is it possible to befriend terrorists? This paragraph was very cleverly written and it means nothing to anybody because they are all things I have written in the last year or so that I was proud enough of that I thought should be entered into screenwriting contests. Three total contests and I find out about each by the end of July. I mean, they have to be at least okay, right? The few people I know who read them said they were great. They would never lie to save my emotions, right?

More possible is the radio contest that I have already entered. I spent all day today working on my duo video with Carter “Unstoppable” Johns. I will bother you with that once it is on their site. For now though, I would love it if anybody could comment or share MY VIDEO. Thanks to those who already have.

July will either be filled with excitement or turmoil. I’ll of course whine when I don’t win some and you’ll never hear the end of it if I succeed at any of these.

I feel like I wasted your time because I didn’t say anything here and you gained no new knowledge other than the possibility of knowing my demise is nearing. As compensation, here’s a very neutral picture we can all enjoy, Justin Bieber lying on the ground in a bloody mess.

justin_bieber_shot_dead_csi

The following is something I failed to get published on several websites and is inspired by a Facebook status I made that got like 14 likes a few months ago. Who cares? I’m going to be on the radio, right?

Cuba-Gooding-Jr.-stars-as-James-Robert-Kennedy-in-Radio-0

A Brief History of Humor

Humor is subjective and ever changing. What I’m wondering is, has the general population been getting funnier or lamer? You be the judge. Here are examples of conversations one person might say to another person whom they find funny over the history of life.

10,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally remember those grunting noises you made and use them again because they brought me such humorous joy. I bet you can even have those grunts mean actual words one day if you put your mind to it.”

5,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get into hieroglyphic writing. I bet you can make a joke that will last forever and in thousands of years might mean something completely different yet still remain relevant and intrigue the human mind.”

1,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally buy a chisel and write out your jokes on stone tablets. I bet you can make them last for centuries and if the joke is good enough it may teach something to future generations about our culture in today’s world.”

1: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally write that down on some scripture. I bet you can even convince a few people to believe these jokes are their dogma.”

1200: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally explore the entire world and tell these jokes to everyone you meet along the away. I bet you can connect our planet and make the human race closer than ever before.”

1450: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get one of them printing press things and make copies of your jokes and distribute them out. I bet you can inspire other people to think and come up with jokes of their own.

1600: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally become a bard and write plays about intriguing characters that will not only make people laugh but also make them think. I bet you could be the next William Shakespeare.”

1776: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get out from under English rule to have the freedom to tell whatever jokes you want. I bet you can even create a nation where freedom of speech exists and we live alongside each other passively while we continue to expand as humans until eventually the rest of the world sees that democracy is the most important thing a leader can offer its people.”

1920: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get involved in filmmaking. I bet you could make a really funny feature length film that provides a lot of entertainment for everyone who is too stupid to realize this whole prohibition thing is a joke.”

1938: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally put that on a radio program. I bet you could become famous from it if enough people are naïve enough to believe aliens really did land on earth. It could make your career!”

1960: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally move to Hollywood and pursue your dream at becoming a screenwriter for films and television. I bet if you put in the hard work and believe in yourself you can achieve so much and change the way media works.”

1980: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally try standup comedy. I bet you could get a national tour going. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get your own sitcom if enough people ever appreciate you.”

2000: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally do one of those new blog things. I bet you can even write a book one day, you know, maybe if you feel like it. What do I care? It’s not me.”

2008: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally make a Twitter account. I bet you can even get a bunch of followers one day. And I swear even when I make passive aggressive comments to you about how much funnier I am than you I’m still happy you have a bunch of strangers who read your daily thoughts.”

2010: “Man you fall down a lot. You should totally videotape everything you do. I bet you can get the video to go viral. You may even end up on a television show where all they do is talk about YouTube videos for a half hour with snide one-liners. Your dead parents would be so proud.”

2013: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally make one of those stupid pictures with the white text that points out a quick quip about society, social issues, or celebrities. They’re called memes, right? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I love not having to think very hard or work at anything else. You should do it man it’s really easy work and it most likely will not be relevant in a week. I bet you can even get someone to like it on Facebook one day.”

The point, don’t grab life by the balls. Grab life by the balls, bell-end, full scrotum, and a little bit of taint. If you settle on anything, you’re never going to reach your full potential.

Thing #1: I have since added many more comics to my Held Back Series to the page I created exclusive for these. If you enjoy these then check the page every so often because I add to it whenever I can. If you don’t like them then wait until Sunday when you can read your Family Circus.

Thing #2: I wrote a piece for this blog a while back about how I was going to be contributing to some website that was starting up. The start-up date kept getting pushed back like a newborn whose parents aren’t ready, and this was a surefire sign that things would eventually die out. It did die out. Or at least the face I haven’t heard back in a month from the lady and she said it was going to start by June 1st, it’s safe to say she gave up all of her hopes and dreams, died, or whatever other possibilities there are. I’m pretty sure she just gave up because everyone she was working with was being difficult, as possible tend to be. With that said, I’m probably going to start posting a few things I wrote for that site here instead since I have 40 pages worth of movie reviews, music reviews, and a few fake news stories.

Thing #3: I’m entering some radio contest and I’m going to need your slight help with it. By slight help I mean you really don’t have to do anything, but it would help if you went to the site and left a comment like “Oh wow that’s awesome. Put this guy on the radio!” This isn’t a contest where you win based on how many friends you have either, although I think they’re giving a separate prize for that. You’ll have no idea what I’m talking about it any of the videos since it’s Philadelphia sports specific, but that doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure everyone else just gets their stupid friends to comment and rate highly. Now I’m going to need my stupid friends to do the same thing. I’ll have more information on this later in the week, hopefully. I’m really excited about it though and for the first time in a while think I have a legitimate chance at this. I’m submitting two videos, one by myself and one with a black guy I met on Craigslist. It actually doesn’t matter how or where we met, but I think between the two videos at least one can get me what I want, a really sweet dream job.

bikini-tour(I would hate to send the perfect job back in the other direction)