Posts Tagged ‘random’

I am not a violent person. I’ve never really been in a fight outside of recess and those always ended with someone crying because they got dirt on their sweat pants or landed on their favorite Pokemon card. Despite my non-violent ways I used to feel the need to carry weapons on me when I was an older teenager. For probably two years or so I always had at least one knife hidden in my pocket. Was I paranoid? No. Not at all. I thought I was a badass to carry around illegal concealed weapons. Today I brag about all of the cool street fighting weapons I have owned as well as tossing around some advice on how to use them for a quick kill.

Swiss Army Knives: Don’t worry, they get more violent than this. I’ve always had at least one Swiss Army knife to my name at all times. Right now as I type this I see two of them. Swiss Army knives aren’t very useful to me because I don’t drink and never have to cut bomb wires. The only way you could ever kill someone with a Swiss Army knife would be to get them a shot to the eye. A nice corkscrew to a pupil will do a lot of damage. Of course, you could also attack the anus, man’s most vulnerable spot. The anus is always a kill shot as we learned in Ben Hur or Spartacus (what’s the difference?).

(You know an army is lame when they have their own fragrance)

“Real” Army Knife: I call this my Army knife because it has an eagle on it. This was the first knife I had where you could probably actually kill someone with a gut shot. The eagle image has since faded but it had a lot of good times. This is also the only knife I have that ever drew blood. I would like to say it did not happen when I was trying to scare a friend and I cut my own finger with it but that would be a lie. The best place to use this to kill someone would be anywhere on the face. The anus would work well too.

Throwing Knives: Not only do I own three throwing knives of all different shapes, I also have a body straps they can be placed in and a knife throwing board. I haven’t used the board in years because if you miss then you end up with a knife wound in your wall. I only remember strapped the knives to my ankles once and it was while driving through the New Jersey Pine Barrens expecting to find the Jersey Devil or a 17 year old Snooki but of course back then I wouldn’t have known the difference. To kill someone with these knives it’s not so much about the location you hit your enemy in, it’s more about how hard and accurate you are with the throw. But if I had to say where you should aim it would be the anus.

Brass Knuckles: Otherwise known as paper weights by people who are easily fooled into thinking weapons have other uses, brass knuckles are a favorite among tough guys. I’m not very good at throwing punches so I haven’t had much use for these. I would probably be better off hoping my enemy tripped on the brass knuckles or got his fat fingers stuck in them. You can’t really kill someone with brass knuckles since it’s more about your own strength. However I did read in Judo: A Gentle Beginning that a nice shot to the anus with a pair of brass knuckles may cause major damage.

(The most popular book in my elementary school. It literally took me 3 years on the waiting list to check it out. Did I read it? No. How could someone named Jeannette know fighting techniques?)

Old Memorabilia: I guess I wouldn’t use these for anything other than scaring a naked girl tied to my bed since they’re actual war memorabilia but they should be mentioned. I own a Soviet Bayonet and a German pocket knife from the 1940s with this weird symbol on it that looks like two Z’s crossing each other. The bayonet is pretty intimidating and thick. You could easily slice someone’s throat with it or cut out a man’s anus. The German knife seems more like it was something probably used for cutting bread. The symbol on it looks way too peaceful.

Butterfly Knife: Butterfly knives are incredibly awesome and I have one. This was the knife I would carry on me a lot because it was fun to play with. It’s like a sharp nunchuck. I like the word nunchuck. It makes me think of throwing a religious woman out a window. The butterfly knife is more for flash than anything else. Do I need to say the best way to kill someone with one is to stab them in the anus? Didn’t think so.

(How can someone who can do such a cool thing look so lame?)

Switchblade: One time someone asked me for a comb and I accidentally handed them my switchblade. He was blind so instead of slicking back his hair he scalped himself. The problem with switchblades is you have to grease them up to keep them fast. I use oatmeal soap so I can no longer use my own forehead to grease up the knife. Switchblades are good for attacking hands or wrists. I’m not sure how one would work on an anus but I would guess very well.

Machete: Probably my most dangerous weapon if you don’t count my charm or my ability to drop things on people’s heads. Despite its size and reputation, the machete is pretty cute. It has my name carved on it and even has a sticker from the manufacturer. This is the latest weapon I’ve received as I found it pointless to keep stocking up on the same old things. We all know machetes are great for chopping off heads. I would keep the machete away from any anuses as it would be way too messy. Machetes can do a lot but one thing they cannot is solve bloody anus stains on the carpet. Stick with chopping off heads or arms if you ever think about getting one.

(The only picture I bothered to take of my weapons. I keep a lot of strange things in the fridge. The machete is there because it dulls the blade and makes it easier to cut through bone. I’m making that up)

Do you own any badass weapons? Guns are not badass. Guns are like more expensive slingshots.

Do you like being a big helper? I bet you do. There are three things I need help with aka am too lazy to research myself. In fact I am so lazy that I have forgotten what the third thing I needed help with was. Helping me out with my two questions below will make me forever in your debt and would be much appreciated.

1) In a month I will be going on vacation/holiday/an STD spreading spree to Los Angeles, the City of Gardens for the first time. I plan on moving there soon which will certainly make this blog a lot more fun as I am sure I will be best friends with Willem Dafoe and working as Megan Fox’s sex slave within a month. My question is for anyone who has ever been there; what is there to do there? Like in a touristy sense. What are some things I should check-out and do as a dumb guest before I feel obliged to try to fit in? Other than faking a drug overdose in front of The Viper Room ala River Phoenix, I’m dry on ideas.

2) I’m working on a masterpiece which takes place in the 1920s. The problem is I know very little about this time period as it is pretty boring. What are some important events, people, and other factoids from this era (1910-1940) that I should include? Here is a short list I have so far:


-Charles Lindberg and his stolen baby

-Amelia Earhart and her missing plane

-The rise of the Nazis

-Wally Pip and other silly baseball stories

-Bonnie and Clyde

-The Great Depression

-The Titanic

-WWI and Franz Ferdinand

-Kaiser Wilhelm

-Al Capone


-Al Jolson and the acceptance of blackface

-George Gershwin


-Stock Market crash

So please, if you know anything more, even if it’s a bit more obscure I would love to know it.

I wish I could remember the third thing I needed help with but I’m pretty sure I caught Alzheimer’s from holding a door open for an elderly woman the other day. Seriously, I’ve felt achy, mentally drained, and incontinent ever since. For now, these two things are all I need help with.

Politicians, Popes, Professional Athletes, and Pop Singers are all people who need some guarding. Politicians from assassins. Popes from bad ancient ideas of thinking. Professional athletes from not stretching their hamstrings properly. Pop singers from selling out with a country album. It’s amazing that people with so much power need help in life. These star-studded A-Listers might have the world by the balls, but they also have a lot in common with buffet food. What guards the buffet food? The sneeze guard!

(I can hear your excitement already)

For those of you unfamiliar with exactly what a sneeze guard is, it’s the glass covering the food. Yep, it’s that simple. I’m not sure if that’s an official scientific term or some slang I learned from The Simpsons and thought was common knowledge. Like when I started to write a report in 5th grade about how the Sunsphere in Knoxville was filled with wigs now.

(Milhouse is very convincing)

The thing about sneeze guards are that they couldn’t possibly have always existed. Look at old pictures of the first Thanksgiving. Did I really just say “old pictures of the first Thanksgiving?” As opposed to the new ones that take centuries to develop. What I mean to say is that the first Thanksgiving was also the first buffet style meal. I know, you’re probably saying the Last Supper was also buffet style. No. You’re wrong. That was family style. The Last Supper was more like a PF Chang’s where you order a dish and everyone kind of shares. Then you get pissed off when Judas eats half the orange chicken. Why didn’t he order orange chicken if he wanted it so much? Ugh Judas is such an asshole. What could he possibly do to top this orange chicken stealing incident?

I’m thinking buffets started to become more popular in the 1950s or 1960s. That was when the United States was wealthy and not spending their money on Apple Products or sending poor minorities to college. What comes with wealth? Boogers! You never see a Third World child with a runny nose. It’s the ultimate scavenger hunt item. And with boogers come the removal of those delicious crunchy critters. What’s the safest way to get rid of a booger? Sneezing! See how things are started to connect? This is post is starting to turn into Crash.

(I know I’ve used that reference before. But what am I going say instead? “This post is starting to turn into 11:14?” Nobody saw that movie so here’s a picture of Matt Dillon saving the original Zoey Saldana)

We can safely assume Old Country Buffet was the first prominent one. If not for the word “Old” in the name simply try the food and tell me it’s not ancient. Fried chicken should not have mold. Pizza crust should not have “We Like Ike!” campaign buttons on them. I believe the first few years of buffets were spent getting a lot of people sick. Not stomach aches or food poisoning sick either. More of the you caught whatever that fat truck driver with the handle bar mustache is struggling through kind of sick. Similar to anything new, it takes a lot of testing to get it right. You don’t just invent a product and have it work right away. It takes a total recall to get it right. There are casualties. Collateral damage. Something about a kindergarten cop to squeeze in another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie title into this paragraph.

(Awww a hard cop is relating to children. Wanna bet they didn’t learn a thing and now talk in disgusting accents because of this strange undercover job?)

Buffets back then probably had waffles and fruit salads covered in snot. Why else would a sneeze guard be needed other than the fact that people were ALWAYS sneezing on food. You do not invent something on chance. You do it out of necessity. Enough people were sneezing onto food that sneeze guards became essential. Thing is, back then communication took longer. It had to be a slow process of adding them in. Right? Almost every buffet had to have at some point had someone sneeze on food. Not only that, they would have had to have someone sneeze on the food and have another person take notice and report it. I think I speak for the rest of us when I saw if I sneeze on someone else’s food and nobody notices, I don’t make a sound to the manager.

This is all purely my own theory on how sneeze guards came to be. As per usual I did no research. Instead I used conductive reasoning and assumed everybody is stupid. Possibly the true history of sneeze guards is that the pilgrims sat down with the Indians at the first Thanksgiving. A pilgrim sneezed onto a squash which then killed a bunch of the Indians after they ate it. I forget where I was going with this other than the idea that we’re so incredibly disgusting that we don’t know how to turn away from food before sneezing amuses me.

I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this.

Whenever someone tells me that they have a big announcement I am always nervous. I worry the girl I am secretly still in love with is getting married and will forever not be mine. Then my mind plays more games. I worry that she’s getting a sex change and that I will forever be in love with a married in-sexual-limbo creature. My big announcement today is I have no big announcement. See? I told you big announcements were always disappointing.

(Do not let this sweet fragile face fool you. She was a bad girl this year. That’s why instead of a birthday cake she gets canned spinach)

The best way to make a big announcement is at a holiday dinner. The family will gossip about rival families. If you’re Catholic you’ll probably get into a fist fight or two. The proper way to get attention is to grab an eating utensil and tap it 2-3 times onto a glass. Not very hard of course. Enough to make a springing sound. Like when your uncle taps on his glass eye to freak you out. The family will turn to you and then you can give them the big announcement. But what qualifies exactly as a big announcement? You don’t want to announce openly how you found a red crayon on the ground. You need to save these moments for very special occasions.

One big announcement is that you’re gay. Coming out of the closet on Thanksgiving is the stereotypical thing to do. Why Thanksgiving? Because you don’t miss out on presents. Worst case scenario, your mother takes away your food. But you’re gay anyway. You eat half slices and only eat carbs post-workout. You probably won’t care. Your family has a month to accept your lifestyle change and by the time Christmas rolls around your dad will have a new opinion on “those sinning queers.” He’ll have bought you something useful like a rubber fist or a pink shirt. Something he thinks gay people worship. But hey, he’s trying.

(Your dad will buy you this shirt for your job at the ass-less chaps factory)

As I mentioned in the opener of this, weddings are big announcements. I like calling weddings “the prologues to divorce.” Most people get a divorce at some point in their life. This wouldn’t be a problem if murder was legal. But where do you draw the line when it comes to murder? We can’t say that you can only murder someone you’re married to. Then people will be getting married only to murder enemies. It’s also not fair to gay people. They should be allowed to push someone off a building too! With technology now you don’t really have to announce your wedding. Most people find out about it via Facebook, Twitter, or Craigslist. I don’t recommend posting about your wedding on Craigslist. Prostitutes and guys selling dumbbells tend to show up.

Pregnancies are another huge announcement. This one you can’t wait too long. Otherwise people will start to think you’re fat and unfriend you. Or is it defriend? I’d ask a friend but none of them seem to answer their phones anymore. Except the one time I called from a pay phone. My buddy heard my voice and hung up immediately. Sucks for him. I had a great time at that amusement park alone. People are usually happier when you get pregnant than when you get married. Marriage makes someone a wimp. Having a kid makes someone hypnotized. Married people will complain about their spouses. Parents will talk nonstop about how great their children are. I never had that in my life though. As soon as I was born my parents cut out their own tongues. I guess they had some great intuition into how I would turn out.

In today’s only slightly worse economy but the media likes to run with the story that we’re going to need to go back to the gold standard world, getting a job can be huge. I remember when I first got my job. I ran around the office high-fiving everyone I could. I drove around town telling every stranger I spotted about it. The mailman, the convenience store clerk, the Nazi crossing guard all congratulated me. The thing about most jobs is after a while you start to hope the person you replaced enters one afternoon with a gun ready for revenge. A bullet pierces your lower back, paralyzing you for years. You collect a huge bonus and don’t have to work anymore. You can sit back with your feet up in the air (because lowering them could cause a hemorrhage) and enjoy life.

(Blonde hair, feet at attention, making the black child walk in the back. Clearly a Nazi. Even more freaky I found this picture from Google images off the page of someone who follows me when searching “Nazi crossing guard.” Weird but thank you Five Second Rules)

Other smaller moments in life can be big announcements. Achieving your dreams, buying a new house, poisoning a neighbor’s dog and successfully making it look like it was hit by a car are all noteworthy. I never have very many big announcements. I get happy enough at a poop taking less than 3 wipes. The problem is you can’t really show a picture to a friend of this achievement. It’s easy to doctor that moment.

(Doctored like the moon landing. I’m not sure how this proves Apollo 11 took place in Nevada. It only shows how much people hate happy Americans)

Maybe someday I will have a big announcement. You’ll all eagerly lean forward in anticipation. You’ll congratulate me on my achievements. Say things like “Way to go!” and “I always knew you could do it!” I’ll gloat with my chest out and go along with your fake sincerity. Then we’ll all find out that I was mistaken. I really didn’t succeed. My big announcement turns into a gigantic dud. You’ll laugh at my expense and I’ll go back to being a loser with nothing important to brag about. Unless you too love clean poops. Then bragging I shall do.

Most of our first experiences with rocks involves our mothers cheering on bullies to find an even bigger one to throw at us. At least my first experience with rocks is like that. Rocks, by their very definition, are lame pieces of stone that hang out in the dirt. I can’t remember the last time I even saw or touched a rock. I think it’s the same reason why I never notice gnats anymore. I’m not outside unless it involves walking to my car or burning garbage/missing women’s clothing. Rocks are pretty lousy as far as small pieces of earth go. They look cool inside, I’ll give them that. But the same could be said about a pool filter. Sure, it’s mostly over chlorinated water. Occasionally you’re lucky and find a dead fly or a bloody missing Band-Aid.

(A rock giving birth to a flamboyant British man who doesn’t know the purpose of a hat)

The word rock can also be used to describe something. Like saying “you rock” for instance. Nobody ever tells me that I rock. Probably because I don’t. In order to rock I feel you must be able to shake your head to music. I just can’t do that. I can’t commit my head to shaking unless I’m seizuring or really don’t want another soda and my mouth is too full to tell the waiter to back off. You can also rock by being an overall cool person who gets the job done. Rarely do I get the job done. I’ll start a task and hope that someone else finishes it. Maybe that’s a poor example. You come up with a better one.

(I wish I could be this passionate about something. Notice the pattern of bored, excited, excited, thrilled fat lesbian, excited, excited, bored)

Not only can a person be described as rocking, they can actually rock as in move. Fun things to rock are chairs, babies, and gondola rides. Rock N Roll stars rarely do much rocking. I would describe their movements more as thrusting or giving the finger. Only during a dumb slow song will you see a real rocker rock. They’ll put one arm up in the air and rock their body’s back and forth. They’ll try to get the crowd to go along with it but once the crowd gets involved it becomes a sway, not a rock. So stop trying to involve the crowd like that you dumb millionaire drug addicts. Please don’t point at us then ask us to sing along to the chorus. If I wanted to sing then I would have gone to church or taken a shower. I go to a concert to forget about my problems and hear how you sound nothing like you do on the album in person.

The term Rock N Roll though actually comes from sex. I guess sex involves some rocking. Not so much rolling. Except that one time I decided to leave my pants on and stepped on a candle. I not only rolled, but before that I stopped and dropped. The word rock is also used in the entertainment industry by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He took this name from his father, Rocky Johnson. Rocky seems to be a pretty popular name amongst people who fight. And flying squirrels. Rocco is another similar name popular among Italians. And wallabies with modern lives. There’s also Rocky Dennis. I guess in a way he was a fighter. He managed to survive having a debilitating disease and Cher as a mom. And he kept his dick as its original form.

(And it was all downhill for Gingers after this)

Objects can be described as being rocky. Usually those are cliffs with actual rocks poking out. Sometimes situations can be described as rocky. I guess impregnating a student could be a rocky situation? Or is that more of a sticky situation? Because I know how much students like to chew gum. If students like hard candy more, then sure, it would be a rocky situation. The more I think about it the more I realize nobody ever says a situation is rocky. Roads are rocky. Roads are so rocky that there’s a popular ice cream flavor named Rocky Road. It sounds very appetizing. A flavor with the same name as the worst nightmare of a driver with hemorrhoids. Try driving over a pothole with an anal fissure and tell me that isn’t an accurate comparison.

(This looks delicious despite the fact that it looks exactly like my dog’s poop from 2 months ago when he had worms)

Even Major League Baseball acknowledges the existence of the word rock. That’s more than the NFL can say about the Holocaust. Can you believe that 45% of the players in that league deny that one of the most tragic and horrific events in human history never happened? Even more impressive is that only I know this statistic. The Colorado Rockies came along in the mid-90s giving the word rock a new audience. Originally the only sport where the word belonged was on school yards and hostage situations when Rock, Paper, Scissors would be played. If that game can teach us anything it’s that rocks are destructible. And by paper! A product so weak that a gust of wind or a heavy fart makes it fly away. Looking at it with that knowledge makes me lose respect for the word rock. So the next time a girl comes up to your friend and tells him that he rocks and basically ignores you, tell her you’re paper. Then refer her to this post. She’ll feel uncomfortable and leave. But at least your friend won’t get any. And we both know he doesn’t deserve it. He barely bathes and still owes you money.

“Rock out with your cock out” – popular t-shirt slogan of people whom you know have never actually been invited to a party without a goody-bag

Water is one of the three things we as humans cannot survive without. The other two are air and college football. I mean really, how can anyone live without rooting for the Longhorns? Their orange hats with the dead cow skull on it, that image gives me life. Of course water isn’t the only option when it comes to quenching your thirst. Today we will discuss those other mouth-watering beverages that help keep us alive or kill us after we drown in it.

Milk is the only thing I seem to drink other than water now. It’s a good source of protein, has lots of vitamins, it’s white, and it comes out of tits. What more could you want from a beverage? There are different kinds too. There’s fat-free for you fat people trying to lose weight, there’s 1% for you fat people who accidentally buy it after thinking it’s fat free, there’s 2% for people who like whole milk but are too self-aware of their fatness that they’re trying to scale it back a bit, and there’s whole milk for those who just don’t care about the way they look. I drink fat free and 2%. I should probably drink only 1% because that would average out. But I don’t want the cute girl at CVS who always chews gum and never makes eye contact to think I made a mistake. I already blew it by wearing the same shirt in there two days in a row.

(It is a nice shirt though)

Milkshakes are a more advanced version of milk. Usually these are high in fat and have little pieces of candy in them. If your mouth isn’t watering right now then you’re not reading this. Milkshakes are so delicious. The only person that ever existed who didn’t enjoy a milkshake was Judas. He said that he was trying to lose weight and kindly ask that Jesus not have any milkshakes at his last supper because the temptation would be too much. Jesus obeyed and Judas still betrayed him. What an ass! I haven’t had a milkshake in a long time. I think at some point I would see the teenager pouring the ice cream into one of those tin cups and think “Wow has my life really come to hiding in my apartment drinking milkshakes and not letting anyone know about it?” That’s exactly how I would treat a milkshake. It’s like child pornography for me except more caloric. Nobody ever got fat looking at child porn. You get a lot of exercise looking over your shoulder making sure your wife doesn’t walk in. Don’t forget, it brings all the boys to the yard. Who doesn’t like boys in the yard?

(Four prisoners excited for the milkshake man to arrive to the yard)

Soda is a delicious beverage that goes well with meals. It has lots of flavors. I started to list them then realized I haven’t drank enough soda in the last year to remember any. I think there’s a blueberry variety. If not there should be. Soda comes in two basic varieties, regular and diet. I’m told that diet soda causes cancer. I’m also told that regular soda causes diabetes. So I guess soda is bad and kills people no matter what kind you get. It’s legal and is given to children. I think people are over exaggerating the dangers of soda. I used to drink it all the time and I turned out fine. Do you know who never drank soda? Judas. Him and his damn juice diet.

 (Judas Lalane with his juicer and a woman who can only possibly be a hostage)

Juice, you know the drink choice of traitors, is another option to drink. At any local covered bazaar you will find a huge variety of juices. I like juice commercials more than anything. It’s such an innocent drink yet all they do is shit on other juices. Juices really are the Republican candidates of beverages. All they do is sling mud. They say how “those other juices” aren’t 100% juice. Then they hold up two glasses or pour it on a napkin which proves nothing. Maybe my commercials are crossing over. Of course everyone’s favorite kind of juice are Capri Suns. We love hard to open juice packets with pointy straws. Whenever a bully comes and tries to take our juice we can easily kill him.

(The straw from my most recent Capri Sun juice sack)

Alcohol has at times been called the adult beverage. That term always makes me laugh. You have to be a certain age to rehydrate with this particular beverage? That’s insane! I think most of us could list more alcoholic drinks than we could juices. Sometimes alcoholic drinks are mixed in with juices. Then an uncle drinks it and touches someone or get in a fight when the police show up. I wouldn’t recommend drinking alcohol if you want to rid the world of your dry mouth. Alcohol is more something you drink to forget that your kid needs to be picked up at soccer practice. At least that’s how I understand it. This is the one beverage you cannot drink while driving. Well I guess you can’t drink baby blood either but who would drink baby blood? We all know it has very low nutrients and stains glasses.

(This mattress didn’t pass the baby blood test)

Sports drinks are basically juices but sold more expensively because Peyton Manning needs to be paid more millions. I never liked sports drinks. They always reminded me of the kids who made fun of me in school because that’s what they drank and were baptized in. Things like Gatorade and Powerade are top brand names. They have these fake things in them called electrolytes. They’re supposed to make you a better athlete. I don’t believe it. One time my friend Ramon drank a thing of Gatorade and went into a diabetic seizure. He struck out and ended our championship run. Point is, Hispanics have always been ruining my life.

(Emilio laughs with glee as he updates his Netflix queue while stealing my identity)

Smoothies are delicious. They’re a milkshake only slightly healthier. I guess it’s the difference between dying from being eaten by a lion and being eaten by zombies. Either way you’ve been eaten. I think I’d rather get eaten by a lion than zombies. Zombies means multiple. That means there’s a lot of pulling in each direction. I’d get yanked apart while they chewed on me. If a lion ate me I’d probably die right away. I wouldn’t even see my foot get pulled off by my zombie neighbors. I’d also feel really silly for getting caught by zombies. I’m a good climber which means I should survive zombie attacks much better than most. Lions are different. I can’t outrun a lion. There’s less to be embarrassed about. That’s why I like smoothies.


I’ve never been all that into pornography. I know, a male born between the years of ever to present not being all that into porn sounds like a lie. I must be a rare commodity. I’m one in a million for real. I should tell this to girls more often. Say to them “Hey I’m not really that into looking at other people having sex. I truly am unique.” then they feel silly because we just met and they’re handing me back my change. Do you know what I hate about getting back change? I hate it when I get more than quarters in change back. I feel like they judge me that I keep the quarters. I need to do my laundry somehow. My breath, arm pits, belly button, and ass smell bad enough without having to wear dirty clothes. Don’t look at me funny when you see me going through my change. I’m doing it for your nostrils Indian woman at Dunkin Donuts with the nose stud. Stop trying to look 13. End Andy Rooney rant.

Despite my lack of pornographic aficionado-ism I do like looking as sexy images. Mostly in movies though. Without having the Internet at home or cable I have to make do with the DVDs that I own. Problem is I don’t really own any romantic comedies. Say what you want about their implausible plots and predictable endings. The stars of these films are usually attractive in some shape or form. All you have to do is ignore the crappy jokes, the moments of socially awkward attractive women falling down way more than humanly possible, and the tall handsome blue-collar men with beards that seem to have gone unnoticed by all other women on the planet who aren’t starring in this movie.

I’m looking at my DVD collection. That’s actually a lie. I’m sitting on my couch in the dark typing sitting on a blanket with butterflies on it. Let’s pretend I’m standing near my DVD shelf which also contains batteries, thank you cards, and a fingernail. Some of these movies are sexier than others. There isn’t much visual stimulation in some of them though. You may have to be a bit of a movie buff to know the exact scenes I’m talking about. If you’re unsure you should go out and watch it. Most of them are pretty old so I guess you can’t go out and watch them. Unless you’re one of those weird people who watch movies on their laptops outside. You don’t know how much I hope a rainstorm damages your movie night.

Full Metal Jacket:

Not a sexy film by any means. It’s a mostly male cast which could be a problem for a 110% straight guy like me. I can’t even eat the ends of hot dogs or mushrooms because of what they remind me of. Penises. I guess the best scenes to look at for sexual stimulation would be the famous “Me So Horny” part or the end when they kill the female sniper and she begs them to kill her. Sorry if that’s a spoiler. The movie is as old as I am. If you haven’t seen it yet that’s your own fault. The “Me So Horny, Me Love You Long Time” chick isn’t that terrible to look at. At least she’s not dying like the sniper in the last scene. I choose that part, the one with the Vietnamese prostitute over the one with the dying Vietnamese sniper. There’s nothing sexy about dying. The Grim Reaper doesn’t have enough sex appeal for me to ever enjoy it.

(The only marines you can see in this are fat or wearing glasses. We had nerds fighting in Vietnam. No wonder we lost)

Reservoir Dogs:

Again, another mostly male cast. The only instance I remember a woman appearing was the pregnant chick that Mr. Orange shoots in the car. Now you can’t really tell that she’s pregnant or anything. She’s only on-screen for a brief moment. What this means is that I wouldn’t feel creepy being aroused by an expecting mother. She does reach for a gun in her glove compartment and that’s what gets her shot. Chicks with guns are always sexy. I’ve never shot a gun, but would love a subscription to a magazine like “Babes & Ammo” if that’s even real. I’d go into something critical of the jumper the woman wears in the scene, but I won’t because I’m not quite sure if that’s what she was wearing or even what a jumper is. There’s not much of a choice for this film. I have to go with the pregnant lady that gets shot by the Lie to Me guy.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

I sure do love guy movies with guns. This Clint Eastwood classic, everything but the wagon painting shit of his is classic, does contain a few more woman than the previously mentioned. There’s the Spanish woman in the beginning whose husband gets killed. I don’t think she talks at all which is a plus when it comes to women. Then there’s the part when Angel Eyes finds the woman in the hotel and smacks her around a bit. Again, a pretty arousing scene to see a woman get slapped by a renegade cowboy. I’m kidding, sort of. There’s also a fat woman during one of the hanging scenes with large breasts. She doesn’t do much other than act disgusted at the crimes committed by Tuco, the Ugly. Am I boring you with my knowledge of this film? It’s my favorite so excuse me for that. Clint Eastwood at this point in his life kind of had a female model’s body too. Really tall and thin. If it wasn’t for his five o’clock shadow I would consider any scene he was in as visually stimulating.

(He even stands like a stuck up girl getting yelled at by her mother)

The Mighty Ducks/The Sandlot:

These are just about the same film. I was going to put Bad News Bears in here (I know the original and remake), but don’t feel like trying to come up with a reason why I find Marcia Gay Harden sexy. Too hard! The Mighty Ducks and The Sandlot mostly only have the moms who are sexy, sort of. The mom in The Mighty Ducks is a widow. You know what that means. She’s desperate for attention! The mom in The Sandlot has remarried Denis Leary. All this means is that she doesn’t mind having sex with Bill Hicks cover-comedians. I think the mom might also be Karen Allen who for some reason I do have sexual tension with. Yes, tension. The Sandlot also has the hot lifeguard. If she wasn’t 18 when that was filmed add in “hot to the children” to the last statement.

Fahrenheit 9/11:

Politics aside, this was a pretty good film. I agree less and less with Michael Moore the “moore” he opens up his fat mouth. I like that his last name is Moore because that’s always what he asks for, more. I know, silly fat joke. But stop complaining about the economy. You’re fat. You’re clearly doing well. I haven’t watched this film in a while. But if I had to find something visually stimulating about it I’d probably have to go with clips of Condoleeza Rice. She doesn’t really do anything for me in normal situations, but we’re going hypothetical. If I had never seen a woman before then sure, why not get with Condy? She’s got a nice smile–if you squint. She’s a powerful dominant woman who has proven that she can carry her own. That’s got to be a turn on for me, right? Okay, maybe I’ll skip this one. All of the 9/11 footage would make it almost impossible to get aroused at all. You could throw out as many nude girls as you want at me during this film, I just don’t think I could get anything out of it.

(Definitely the face I’d see if Condy ever read my blog)

What are the least sexy films you own? I bet you’re overlooking something. Really, stretch hard for it. This will be harder for men of course. Women could find SAW sexy if they’re into The Princess Bride. You know, for nostalgic reasons.