Posts Tagged ‘religion’

I think blogging here has jumped the shark for me. Or maybe I’m using that term incorrectly. Yes, I know for a fact I am. Jumping the shark should be used when a hotshot high school student tries literally jumping over a pool of sharks while riding a motorcycle and in no other instances.

What I mean is with this blog I spent so much time promoting in the past that I can never say anything awful about anyone I actually know. This is kind of shitty in a way. Isn’t that the point of blogging? To talk shit in a cowardly way?

Not that I have a billion bad things to say about people. Most people I would talk badly about most likely don’t know this blog exists or wouldn’t bother to read it. I think this is a problem we all have with being mean. People are inherently good, but then we bring out the worst in others to the point they want to say bad things about us on a blog. So really I’m fine if you want to say bad things about me on your blog because I get it. Just don’t expect me to meaninglessly click “Like” on your post.

I actually started anonymously blogging somewhere else on Sunday, speaking in half-truths. I’ll probably do it here too in some cases just to keep it present. A half-truth, at least to me, is when you start to tell the honest truth and it hurts the person it’s about so much that you end up tossing in something so incredibly ridiculous they assume the whole thing was a joke. A classic one is God tells a man to build a boat because a giant flood is coming and then he has to grab two of every animal.

noahs-ark1(There once was a man named Noah and everything after probably didn’t happen)

With everything going on in my life (eating lunch and eating dinner) I find myself becoming a more private person. Not so much private where I don’t go outside or interact with people ever. I’m actually much more social than I was a year ago. I have a job where I talk to people every day and on my way there at least one person’s armpit is shoved in my face–half of the time at my request to block the stench from someone else.

I don’t really have a point to this other than I couldn’t figure out anything else to write before going to bed so I figured I’d update here on how I really don’t have much to share, but at the same time I have a lot. I think my problem is finding a balance between what to say on a blog and what to keep private because to truly express myself in some ways would upset people. Never forget, I’m an angry white male in his mid-20s who never really achieved what he wanted in life. Plus my foot hurts and whenever someone’s foot hurts they usually lose control of their words.

Here’s a conversation that has never happened.

“[insert something bad that has happened] to me.” – Person 1

“I’m so sorry to hear! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” – Person 2

“Thank you. I appreciate it. However, it would be far more helpful for you to do something.” – Person 1

Pause.

“No thank you. I am more comfortable thinking about your problem. To further help, before bed I will get on my knees, place my hands together, and ask someone else to offer their services to you.” – Person 2

“Okay. Thank you for doing the minimal.” – Person 1

TWO DAYS LATER

“Are things any better?” – Person 2

“Yes they are. I figured it out.” – Person 1

“It’s because I thought about your problem. It’s also because I got on my knees, placed my hands together, and asked someone else to offer their services to you.” – Person 2

“No.” – Person 1

I hate when people offer me their thoughts and prayers; although they rarely do. If people really were keeping people in their thoughts they would be immobile. If ever happen to pray for me I would like to know the exact words you use–just for curiosity’s sake. Never keep me in your thoughts or prayers if death is involved. That’s weird. I will then become “that person with a dead person they knew” if you have me in your thoughts and your prayers will have something to do with a zombie. Or maybe a vampire. According to True Blood lore, if someone dies you can bury them with a vampire and they will become a vampire’s slave. And that television program knows a lot of shit about logic.

tonydanza(“Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.” – Tony Danza lending a helping hand)

I don’t normally blog twice a day anymore, but I had a point I really wanted to make right away.

There are things like this all over Twitter. Here’s the basic idea-
“Tim Tebow has been criticized for his allegiance to God and Christianity, while Jason Collins is praised for coming out as being gay.” Lots of people are confused about this.

Here’s the difference:

When Tim Tebow is on the field, he brings God into. He squats down, prays, and he points up to the sky after each touchdown. In every interview he brings up his religion. If every time Jason Collins scored a basket* or made a rebound he fell to his knees and mimed having sex with a man then it would be the same thing. I doubt at any point during an interview Jason Collins will thank the biker from The Village People then begin singing “Macho Man.” If he does, it is the same thing. Tebow is mocked because he brings it upon himself. He overexposes his lifestyle that has nothing to do with sports. When you do ANYTHING on the field it is open to criticism. Tebow is not mocked for being a Christian. Tebow is mocked for being a showboating over-hyped fullback who somehow tricked us into thinking he was a quarterback.

Caring one bit about what any player does in their personal life is silly because most athletes are jerks. Ray Lewis helped cover up a murder, Michael Vick killed dogs (and only served time for conspiracy, not actual killing), Dany Heatley was given 3 years PROBATION for vehicular homicide when he KILLED a teammate, Mike Tyson was convicted of raping a woman and he gets paid money to make cameos in movies, and of course many more.

If a porn addict spends all of his free time looking at porn a lot of us might think he’s weird, the same way it’s okay for us to think a Christian or a homosexual is weird. But when the porn addict brings that part of his life to his job then he is open to criticism and punishment by his employer which in the case of sports is management and the fans. People have every right to think Jason Collins’s lifestyle is wrong the same way I have every right to think people who waste their lives judging other people for stupid reasons is wrong. Chances are there have been many other professional athletes who were gay over the years. I’m not sure why it matters at all. Once the initial shock wears off then I think people will settle down.

This is a battle between “Christians” and “homosexuals.” I put them in quotes because I hate whenever anyone labels themselves as anything more than who they are above anything else. Why would anyone care what a basketball player they had never heard of until yesterday does with his life? I’d go further, but that’s not the point. The point is there is a difference between Tim Tebow and Jason Collins.

Jason-Collins-is-gay.-Image-via-@SInow

 

*If Jason Collins actually does make a basket (and I don’t mean like crocheting a wicker one since he’s gay and that’s all he’ll do now) I think he has the right to do whatever he wants. He hasn’t averaged more than 3 points per game since the 2005-2006 season. Simply put, he’s no threat to anybody.

By no means am I a religious man. When I was a younger boy I saw a picture of Jesus and thought it was Al Pacino as Serpico in disguise. Most of my religious knowledge comes from The Simpsons, South Park, and a few other parodies. I’ve never had much use for religion in my life. I believe there to be a deep seeded evil in me that prevents it. Despite not being holy I feel the need today to defend religion from an apathetic viewpoint.

(Jesus at his press conference announcing he will be returning in a few days)

Atheists get a bad reputation because many are so strongly against religion of any sort. They’re so against it they say you’re an idiot if you believe in anything having to do with religion. Why though does it matter what other people believe? These are the same people who go around yelling at a person when they find out the guy doesn’t like Die Hard. What does it matter if someone doesn’t have the same viewpoint as you? Isn’t forcing your atheist belief system onto a religious person just as bad as a religious person forcing their outdated belief system on you?

The big thing though is a lot of people who are so anti-religion are very pro everything else. Anti-religious or members believing in antidisestablishmentarianism (I had to throw that in) tend to be very what they call “liberal.” Liberal to me means open-minded to everything, easy going, and probably a drug user. I’m not liberal at all. I’m very close minded because I have lived long enough to know some stereotypes are true, some people are assholes, and Keith Richards is the only guy to ever benefit from drug use and I don’t have near his musical talent to even try following in his footsteps. Liberal has become a word meant to represent “I vote Democrat.” Somehow the word Prickface has come to represent “I vote Republican.” I don’t support either party because I agree with things from both sides. I honestly think at this point the Republicans would do a better job for America but the Democrats will do more to help me personally. I don’t really care about how America does. I care about myself because in the end I’m all I’ve got. Enough about politics though. Let me go back to the less controversial topic, religion.

(I don’t get why Obama is the “good guy” just because he’s a Democrat. Isn’t the President’s job to be the bad guy? Rooting for the president feels to me like rooting for your high school principal)

It doesn’t bug me when people mock religion, I’ll do it myself. What bugs me is when someone mocks religion and can’t take similar mocking about something they believe in. If you make fun of someone’s religion you better be prepared to get made fun of for your race, sexual orientation, or handicap. Some may say race, sexual orientation, and handicap are not choices therefore off-limits. But is religion really a choice? I don’t think anyone would choose religion. That’s not how it works. It’s the same way you don’t choose who you’re attracted to. If it were up to me I would be attracted to houseplants because they’d never turn me down and they can’t scream. There are certain things in a person’s life and in their belief system that isn’t even up to them. Call it fate, destiny, whatever you want. If you want to pull a knife on someone based on their religion be prepared to get a nuke dropped on you for anything.

I doubt religion will ever become a big part of my life. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see a Jesus face in a sandwich one day and I’ll take it as I should stop cursing then I’ll join the cloth. I have bad eyesight so I’ll probably never notice the Jesus face and I’d end up eating a miracle. And although religion isn’t for me it does do a lot of great things. It brings communities together, helps those with addiction, and it gives back more than it takes. Sure, some churches and religions are utterly evil in some way but I think it’s worth it to have some around that actually help out. You wouldn’t (well you might) blow up the entire Middle East just because there are a lot of terrorists there would you? With some bad there is also some good. Buy some strawberries from the supermarket and ignore them for 2 days. You’ll know what I mean.

(Doesn’t the mold look like a beard? Now I wish it was Christmas)

For those of you who have accomplished nothing with their lives and remember my old post New Experiences, you may remember me promising I would have more new experiences. I have. Not too many worth writing about. Since that post I have read a book, I have cleaned my toilet, and I have found a strange bruise on my leg twice. Today is different. Today I present to you another new experience I had on a Saturday night.

Normally my Saturday nights are spent listening to a baseball game on the radio, working on writing something, and subconsciously hoping a stray bullet lands in my jugular. I had been text messaging with old friends with high school the last few months. All of us lie about how busy our schedules are to make ourselves seem like we’re important and hanging out never happened. I put my foot down and agreed on this Saturday in particular I would hang out with at least one of my old friends. Now all I had to do was find an official NASA polo shirt to keep the lie going that I am an astronaut.

(I wonder what’s wrong with this chick’s face)

The plan was originally for my good friend Rob and me to go over to our old friend Mickey’s house. Mickey was the ultimate prankster in high school. Actually prankster seems like too weak a word. Troublemaker, nuisance, annoyance, and sillygoose are more accurate. I think my favorite “prank” we would play was on the campus security guard who was basically a hall monitor with a walkie-talkie. We called him Frankie P. as his name was Franklin Palzone and this was the most obnoxious thing to call him. Each day during study hall we would take a piece of paper, write “Reserved for Frankie P” on the paper, tape it to a chair, then place the chair in the path he always took to the teacher’s lounge. One day he snapped and some Egyptian dweeb ratted us out. We all denied it. Frankie P thought he scared us good until one morning he woke up with the same chair from the cafeteria sitting on the front stoop of his home with a “Reserved for Frankie P” sign taped to it. I think his power trip ended after that.

Our plan changed this Saturday night and instead we were invited to the one place I feel most out of my element, a church. It was described to me as a “gathering of 20-something year olds for fun and games.” I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect. Normally when you put 20-something year olds in a room together a bong and lost dreams appear. Since this would be taking place in a church basement I had assumed the only thing to appear would be Jesus’s face in a grilled cheese sandwich.

After some catching up at Mickey’s house after not seeing each other for 6 years, we headed out to the church. We got there and were some of the first few to arrive. Most people present I had never seen before. They were good church folk who for some strange reason smoked, cursed, and brought up marijuana way too often. I was introduced to everyone as they came. Two girls touched my hand. One seemed eager to do so. The second seemed like she had to because Jesus would have wanted her to be nice to someone of lesser value. There were two Indian kids. For a while I thought there was only one Indian kid. I’m not even sure which one of them I had a long conversation with. When each told me their names I said “What?” twice to try to get a clearer understanding. My asking “What?” is limited to twice. After that I pretend I understand.

(If the British understood a damn thing he said maybe they would have given him what he wanted and Gandhi wouldn’t have been so hungry)

I was a little worried a Bible might be brought out as this was an event for people from a Bible Study Group. Whenever I’m at a church function I never know how to behave. I believe in the values they teach, I just don’t think it’s necessary to worship someone else. I want to be a good person because being a good person is the right thing to do. I shouldn’t be kind to others because I’m afraid of burning in hell. Anything nice I ever do is never because someone died for my sins. I do it because I want life to be something worth living. Surrounding myself with kindness does not need a commitment to a church or anything at all. I forget where I was going with this, but this is the basis for the doctrine I’m writing for the cult I have decided to start.

(The costume is alright but it’s a little too baggy. I like to at least try to show off that I have much wider shoulders than I do a waist and this outfit would totally clash with what I want)

The only religion that was brought into the evening was before eating. We were asked to pray. I looked to Rob as neither of us were sure whether or not to fake it. I would never want a girl to fake an orgasm with me. I don’t think they would because no girl could ever possibly get pleasure from 15 seconds of my fury. I put my hands together anyway and said my own prayer:

Hey God, this is kind of awkward. It’s like we’re two old pals who have to work together to do an art project together. Uhhh thanks for the food and such. The pizza smells good. I think I’ll grab a slice with pineapple on it even though I don’t like pineapple much. But I’m trying to do new things and it would fit in with my blog post. Do you read my blog? Of course you do. You’re God. You’ve got all day Sunday to rest and surf the web. I don’t know why you’d be listening to me now. You never really listened to me before. But hey, that’s alright. Maybe I didn’t need that GI Joe fortress I always wanted. Maybe I deserved to grow up hating myself. Maybe asking for happiness for myself and those around me was asking too much. I forgive you. I can do this on myself now. Maybe your plan all along was to teach me to help myself. You know, that was probably it. You’re quite a card God. Amen.

The night continued. We ate, we reminisced, we played some games, and I guess we did what people with morals do on a Saturday night. I drank about 7 bottles of water and heard someone yell, “What happened to all of the water?” I slowly slid my empty bottles under one of the fat twin’s chairs to avoid a fight. Before we knew it 4 hours had gone by. We had only intended on staying maybe 2 at the most, but the power of Christ/the brownies compelled us to stay.

(I was a very good boy and avoided any dessert foods. The key to avoiding sugary homemade snacks is to look at the person who made them. I usually get disgusted thinking their gross hands touched my food)

I did not have any brownies though. I was a very good boy. Enough people told me I looked good. None had seen me since high school. The last time a person who I had not seen in years told me I looked good I ate 6 donuts in one sitting. This time I knew better. I knew to revel in the glory. It’s not even so much I’m happy to make them jealous. It’s more they can see through me they can accomplish great things too. It’s not only my appearance that has changed. My attitude has as well. I am a more confident person. I’m more understanding than ever before about everything. I also know when some fat twin goes on too long about some person I don’t care about from high school that it’s time to get up and take a piss.

We left the church without saying goodbye to anyone. I’m hoping they thought the rapture had begun. I could tell Rob didn’t have as good of a night as I did so we dropped him off at his house before going to Mickey’s dads to chill a little bit more. Big mistake Rob. As soon as we got there Victoria Justice showed up. She was looking for you. She settled for me because I knew the most facts about your life. When I banged her against an armoire she made me name your relatives, hobbies, and favorite childhood memories. That actually didn’t happen. Everybody did things they would never do at a church then I went home with a new experience under my belt.

All this end of the world talk I figured I should be a little clearer on things. No this is not a nervous breakdown. No I have not gone crazy. If anything I see things more truly than ever before. I have come to accept my fate. The fate that on August 9, 2012 the world will forever change. It’s cliché, but the end is nigh. Very nigh. So nigh you better return your library books. Late fees I hear can put you through hell after death.

Why August 9th? You’re probably asking yourself that. Probably also “Why have I stuck around long enough to see what will happen on August 9th? There better be some payoff!” There will be. Cataclysm. Destruction. The ushering in of a new era. Do not think of this as an ending, but rather as a new beginning. A chance to start over and allow yourself some happiness. Only the truly good will be saved on this day. In order to be saved you will need a few things. A kind heart. Willingness to take on something new. A credit card. Most of all you will need to embrace life and the new challenge that awaits you.

August 9th was a date given to me by an unknown source. I’m sorry, but I really am a little scared giving away my sources. We’ll call him Deep Throat as Deep Throat is the most notable unknown source in history. The Angel Deep Throat visited me one night. It wasn’t a literal angel like someone sent from God with wings and a sword. It was more an angel in theory. Like I felt the love an angel might give. This epiphany came to me and I began to research the date. I began to freak out. The signs all pointed that for sure this date would be the end.

Throughout history major events have happened on August 9th. Nagasaki had a nuclear bomb dropped on them. Charles Manson had his family murder a pregnant actress, the Folger’s Coffee heiress, and a few other dummies. Wayne Gretzky was traded. Wayne Gretzky! The greatest hockey player of all time was told to pack his bags and get the hell out of Canada. Chris Jericho debuted in the WWF to call out The Rock. This might not seem big to you, but it was huge in the wrestling world. It even made it onto the Wikipedia page for this date. The Wikipedia page of course being the main source for my prediction.

August 9th also happens to be the 222nd day of the year. The Satanical Bible is a lot like the regular Bible only with more swearing and several of the writers were overly sarcastic. As Christianity has The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit; The Satan Worshippers have The Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death, and The Devil. These three make up Hell. Since there are 3 of them each represents a third of evil. What is the number associated with evil? 666! 222 times 3, one for each member of Hell, gives you 666. The numbers are clearly there. Do not deny my math skills.

I hope you can understand more where my mind is and why I not only believe but know the world will come to an end on Thursday August 9th. I suggest you spend the day with your family. Unless you hate your family. Then spend it with someone you like more.

“And thus he arrived. Riding on his horse of fire. A whip torn from flesh in his left hand. Way was made to the diamond. Atop the throne he sat. Sure to let all those willing to see that he was here to stay. Past times no more the same. Life forever had changed. Satan had become king.”

Game shows are important to the American economy. Without game shows Alex Trebek would be a fisherman, Pat Sajak would be nothing more than the descendant of a notorious bank robber from the 1930’s, and Mark L. Wahlberg would not need to let us all know his middle name is “Lenny” to save us confusion into saying “Wait, Mark Wahlberg is a game show host now? What happened to his career?” One such game show that has captured my heart was Supermarket Sweep. I’m going to write about that today because I made a reference to it in a text message. You may never have heard of this show. If you never have it’s okay. Go read about some woman’s cat or some dumb avocado recipe today.

Supermarket Sweep was big in the 1990s even though everyone on it looked like they were from the 1980s. The show was on PAX, the religious channel. I never had much use for religion. I had much more use for their channel. Shop Til You Drop, Wonder Years reruns, It’s A Miracle, It’s A Miracle: Pets Edition, It’s A Miracle: African-American Neighbors You Always Thought Were Drug Dealers Edition, and an occasional movie with all the good parts taken out were great on PAX.

(6 discs, 6 hours? What a scam artist’s way to jack up the price. Is the economy in heaven that bad?)

The entire show took place inside a supermarket. I think there was a crowd hidden somewhere we never got to see. The host, David Ruprecht, looked like any religious man you know hates women looked. He always smiled. I never trust a constant smiler. Especially not one with Q-Tip hair. He was the perfect host for the show. Never did he give off a negative vibe and that’s what overly religious people want when they watch television. They want a guy who won’t laugh at idiots who think Bush’s Baked Beans is a cereal company.

(Someday D.R. will kill a man and an older Neil Patrick Harris will play him in the movie)

In many ways Supermarket Sweep was like The Price is Right. I liked it better. The Price is Right is an hour-long. I have trouble spending an hour doing anything let alone being tricked into thinking “Barker’s Beauties” are as good-looking as women get. Supermarket Sweep focused more on grocery item questions. The first round consisted of one partner running off after a smile and a slight shoulder rub. Smiling Dave would ask the remaining partner questions about grocery items. The partners eventually would switch and they would then answer questions in some format. The final round was called the Round Robin where the partners would switch off each question. The whole goal was to rack up as much time to shop later on. Sometimes Supermarket Sweep was a show that could be skipped through the first half. The real magic happened once the shopping began.

With their yellow, red, or their Buster Baxter from Arthur colored t-shirts now in place; teams would prepare to do their actual shopping. The main goal in the shopping was to spend as much money as possible. Sounds easy doesn’t it? Contestants were limited to 5 of each item. The big grabs were always gigantic turkeys, supersized diapers, and Afghan edible underwear. Of course 9/11 changed everything and the Afghan underwear was discontinued. There would be special events during the shopping such as hints to items containing more cash prizes, giant inflatable Jolly Green Giants with a peel off coupon representing a mystery amount beneath, and temple guards who would come out to occasionally attack the shoppers.

(This kid is so getting ready to kick this temple guard in the balls)

Time would run out and whatever was in their cart(s) would then be totaled up during the break. It was sad sometimes to see teams who only accumulated a minute and a half only spend around $200 during the shop while a team with a hefty four minutes could rake in $1500. Poor smiling David would have to act as if they had a snowball’s chance in my ass. Once the winning team was selected they would then have the chance to win a bigger prize by going from product clue to product clue in the allotted time. Rarely did these Christians ever succeed in the very last round. I always felt like they never gave them nearly enough time. Then David would smile and things would be better. If David’s smiling then they must have plenty of time. I swear. That man has some really scary skeletons.

It has been years since I have seen Supermarket Sweep. There’s no way it’s still on the air. It was one of those fly under the radar shows. I believe it came on at 6 or 6:30. Religious people are always getting home earlier than sinners like me. When I mention religion with the show it’s not like they threw in famous religious food products like “Jesus-O’s” or “Canaanite Canine Bites.” Supermarket Sweep kept the religion to a very minimum. Probably because a lot of their contestants were clearly really chipper gay men. The only time David wasn’t smiling was when contestants tried telling him they were just two guys who lived together. David did not get this. Why would two men ever live together? Maybe to share a woman. Other than that he was very confused.

(Of course they chose the banana…)

For those interested, here is a full episode:

My girlfriend told me that angels don’t have cocks or pussies. She didn’t exactly say it like that, she used a bigger word to describe those without a sex. Andromeda I think it was.

I don’t know why angels can’t have private parts and still be “divine.” They already do have genders. Michael and Gabriel are clearly men. If they were intended to be sexless then their names would be Jesse or Pat.

While I’m on the topic of angels, I’m going to delve deep into it. Nothing about them makes sense. They need wings to fly, when really, they shouldn’t. They should be able to float wherever they want. The wings give it away that they are angels and then that ruins the whole point of being mysterious and doing God’s work. Their big clumsy wings flutter when they walk into the room and everyone’s eyes go on them. They know a miracle is about to happen which to me makes it no miracle. A miracle cannot be planned. Otherwise it’s just a series of events and people trying really hard to make things better. I don’t believe in miracles. I believe in coincidences and people working hard to get what they want.

The scary thing about being an angel is that they have been working forever. Since the beginning of time they’ve had the same job. I get it, it’s a great gig. You have all the answers to the universe and you get to travel. Still, I wouldn’t want the same job for that long. For an eternity. I doubt there is some angel retirement plan. I don’t even know how you would create more angels since they don’t have reproductive organs. An angel can never get a blow job. Wow, I’ll take not knowing the origin of man over that.

The only way I can see more angels to be created is to kill humans and then train them. So really, the point in life is to live and hope that on the off-chance an angel is thinking about retirement, and you of all people get chosen to replace them. It has to be a really hard test too. A written and physical one that few can pass. I’d get nervous. That could be why there is so much bad in the world. Angels have been retiring and it’s really tough to find a replacement.

I don’t know what happens after we die. Surprise! The more I think about it, the more I don’t want there to be anything. I’m afraid of eternity. We can’t even grasp what eternity is. It’s forever. Julius Caesar, Mark Twain, Ken Griffey VIII, the first human to walk on two legs, all of these people will live in an eternity and that’s not even all of it. An eternity is so long. I couldn’t possibly figure out what to do in an eternity. Not only that, it’s an eternity without a real mission. At least in life we get careers and try to make the best of the time we do have, most of us. In an eternity we have an eternity to get off our asses and try to do something. We’ll become lazy and nothing will ever be accomplished. I don’t want to live in an eternity. That sounds so frightening to me. My hope is that when we die we are transported to an alternative universe. Kind of like a video game sort of thing. This life is just round one. Maybe round two we get to live it over again and make different decisions. I could do that. Even if I didn’t know that was how it worked I could go for that instead of an eternity that leads to nothing. Bring on the 5th dimension. There are no winged buffoons there.

Most religions are stupid. We can all agree on that. In fact when you think about it, you should really think every religion is stupid except for your own. If you don’t think this way you should go to hell. That’s fact. Being a Muslim and thinking that maybe Mormonism has its perks really is denying a part of where you stand on religion. Don’t do it. Follow your religion 100% or don’t follow it at all.

People love brackets. Usually only in the month of March. It’s that time of year where they make brackets of which group of black teenagers will beat another group of black teenagers. People put money on these games of chance. Spend hours crunching numbers and trying to find a loophole while their dogs go unfed and their children’s clothes go unwashed. It’s sports in America.

I’ve created a bracket of different religions and placed them each in a seed. This of course, based from the perspective of a white guy living in the United States of America. I might be biased for that fact so if you’re reading this on the Estonian Internet you may disagree with me. If you are reading this on the Estonian Internet you probably have a rock instead of a mouse and your version of a laptop is a desktop placed on your lap. Estonia outlawed tables in the 1950s. Something to do with being too “Western.”

I didn’t bother to make an actual bracket for this as the formatting probably wouldn’t work. Make one for yourself. Steal the crayons if you have to. Keep in mind that these are completely random as I have no basis on how to properly seed each of these.

Round 1:

1. Born-Agains vs. Catholics

2. Muslims vs. Buddhists

3. Episcopalians vs. Wiccans

4. Mormons vs. Hebrews

5. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Atheists

6. Quakers vs. Protestants

7. Amish vs. Orthodox Jews

8. Lutherans vs. Voodoo

Results:

1. Catholics beat Born-Agains, why? Catholics have a lot of bad shit with them. Their priests molest children, their nuns hit children with rulers, and their leader wears a silly hat. Still, they are much better than Born-Agains who think taking a bath in a lake can change a child molestor, an abusive old lesbian, and only ever wear bathing caps.

2. Muslims beat Buddhists, why? Buddhism is all about suffering yet they never hurt anyone. What kind of bull is this? Quit complaining and do something. Your leader is name after an animal that spits on people at zoos. I know Muslims aren’t that great either, but I don’t see them lasting through the next round and I’ll save my bashing for then.

3. Episcopalians beat Wiccans, why? Both of these groups allow just about anyone into them. The difference, Wiccans are mostly fat bisexual teenage girls. I’m sorry, that doesn’t make you a religion. That makes you a My Chemical Romance concert.

4. Hebrews beat Mormons, why? It’s a simple matter of territory. The Hebrews are all over the place. They have great positions of power and yet they still want one tiny little part of an outer bank. They die for that territory. Then there are the Mormons. Their holy land is in Utah, where the Jazz play. It’s hard to take a religion seriously when there are billboards of a man nicknamed “The Mailman” all over. I know the whole 5 wives thing is cool, but have you ever seen a hot Mormon?

5. People Who Worship The Sun beat Atheists, why? Atheists don’t have anything to worship, acknowledge, or claim their own. It’s really rather sad when you think about it. People Who Worship The Sun have an entire gigantic ball of fire. If we did this Rock, Paper, Scissor style then giant ball of fire beats nothing. It consumes it whole. Enjoy your victory you savages.

6. Protestants beat Quakers, why? Richard Nixon was a Quaker. More importantly than that, the price of oatmeal has dramatically risen by $1.50 in the last 6 months. What the fuck? Even if Protestants are always picketing and calling others scabs they have to win this.

7. Amish beat Orthodox Jews, why? This is basically a battle of Flea markets versus dry cleaners. I don’t know about you, but I can clean my own damn clothes.

8. Voodoo beats Lutherans, why? I don’t know much about Lutherans to be honest with you. When I was younger, a Lutheran told me that all Protestants did was kiss hands of men. He lied to me and called me fat. And Voodoo has the whole doll and pin prick thing. Pretty cool.

Round 2:

1. Catholics vs. Muslims

2. Episcopalians vs. Hebrews

3. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Protestants

4. Amish vs. Voodoo

Results:

1. Muslims beat Catholics, why? You’ve never heard of someone getting beaten at Muslim school. Do they even go to school? I know they wear things on their heads. What happens when it rains? Are they waterproof? The fact that the Muslims were able to defend against multiple Crusades shows you how tough those sons of bitches really are. They beat King Arthur! He had Excalibur. The sword. Not the car. And Merlin. The wizard. Not the cleaning product.

2. Hebrews beat Episcopalians, why? It basically comes down to lettering. Hebrew can even be shortened to simply Jew. Yes, it’s okay to call someone a Jew. It’s just how you say the word that matters, I’m told. Episcopalian doesn’t even make sense. It reminds me too much of Sara Palin taking a piss. I’m sorry to say, but Hebrews make the Final Four.

3. People Who Worship The Sun beat Protestants, why? Protestants have a negative attitude. The whole religion was based off of being an angry union member, something like that. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever met a real Protestant. I’ve met People Who Worship The Sun. I’m sure you have too. Anybody who has gone tanning more than once a week falls into that category. Are you one of them? Probably not. Those people tend to not read.

4. Amish beat Voodoo, why? You can sell a Voodoo doll at an Amish market but you can’t make a Voodoo doll of an Amish market. I guess you actually could. That’d be a bad gift to get a kid. And that’s exactly why that was the result of this match up.

Round 3:

1. Muslims vs. Hebrews

2. People Who Worship The Sun vs. Amish

Results:

1. Hebrews beat Muslims, why? This is really the final battle to end all battles. These two hate each other more than anything. I’d make an original simile here, but they’ve all been taken. As annoying as Hebrews can be, they don’t really do anything that awful. They usually get picked on and bullied. Muslims are always blowing up people and never busy drawing their own prophet. They can’t draw a picture of their own God! What are their Ramadan specials on television like? Is it just a white picture with a voiceover? It’s probably similar to that old snowman cartoon that’s just music and that redheaded kid dancing with the snowman except more explosions in public places.

2. Amish beat People Who Worship The Sun, why? People Who Worship The Sun have nothing to offer humankind. They spend all day bowing to the sun, amazed at how bright it is. They do help the economy in the sunglasses department, but other than that they’re pretty useless. Amish have that thing that I know how to pronounce and not spell where they let their kids go off and do drugs for a while and let them decide if they still want to be Amish. No other religion allows that openness. It’s kind of refreshing unlike most of their food they make.

Round 4: The Final Round!

1. Hebrews vs. Amish

Results:

1. Tie. Yeah, I’m making this is a draw. They’re the same exact thing. It’s bullshit. All of it. Both of them wear funny hats, they have long beards, and they yell at you if you try to bargain them down. It’s the same crap, different name. Really, all religion is that way. We’re all wrong. Why would God come down and influence one part of the world and not another? Does he not like Japanese people? Are the Swedish more important to the ultimate meaning in life?

My message with this is simple. Brackets can be fun no matter what time of year it is.

Holiday Battles

Posted: May 28, 2011 in May 2011
Tags: , ,

Memorial Day is coming up. It’s a day that way pay memorial to soldiers. Not all soldiers though. Just the American ones. And not all of the American ones. Just the ones that do what they’re told. God, Memorial Day is hard to figure out.

Speaking of God, he hates Memorial Day. Every holiday seems to be for God and then Memorial Day comes along. This makes God angry. This makes him tear open his white shirt and smash things and do other God things.

I’m finally going to figure out who has more holidays, God or American soldiers.

January:

New Year’s Day-This is a soldier holiday. God has to work on New Year’s Day. He has to create new babies and kill off drunks in car accidents. Soldiers go into Times Square and dip floozies in the middle of the street.

God: 0 Soldiers: 1

Martin Luther King’s Birthday-This is a God holiday. MLK Jr. was a very good person despite what your racist face thinks. He helped move blacks up from 3/5th’s of a person up to an entire person. That’s why they’re so tall now.

God: 1 Soldiers: 1

February:

Groundhogs Day-This is a God holiday. God created Groundhogs. Soldiers practice shooting Groundhogs at boot camp. It’s not Dead Groundhogs Day. This one goes to God.

God: 2 Soldiers: 1

Valentine’s Day-Named after St. Valentine, the ruthless Romanian warlord of love, this is a holiday particularly for soldiers. They get to see their wives one last time before finding out that she is now dating a truck driver. It’s their last day of enjoyment.

God: 2 Soldiers: 2

President’s Day-A lot of presidents are former soldiers. A lot of presidents also think that they’re a God. That makes this one a bit of a draw. However, I have a penny and it came up with the war hero Lincoln’s face on it. This one goes to soldiers.

God: 2 Soldiers: 3

March:

St. Patrick’s Day-If my history is correct in my brain, St. Patrick chased off a bunch of snakes in Ireland with a stick. God never liked snakes. Even though he let them into the Garden of Eden, he didn’t like them. In fact, wasn’t that snake the devil? Wow, God needs better security if his arch nemesis can sneak into the nicest club on earth. Still, this one goes to him.

God: 3 Soldiers: 3

April:

April Fool’s Day-Both God and soldiers are known to be practical jokesters. God uses floods, volcanoes, and Top 40 Radio to pull his pranks on humanity. Soldiers usually point and laugh at small Arab masked penises. God wins.

God: 4 Soldiers: 3

Easter-Is there any argument here? God had his son killed for a holiday. Now that’s a man that enjoys wearing a holiday sweater.

God: 5 Soldiers: 3

May:

Memorial Day-Like the above (no, not the word May, no not the score, the one about Easter) this one has a clear cut winner that needs no argument. Although, God has created everything so I guess all holidays should be his. But throwing out that argument, the soldiers pick up this lay-up.

God: 5 Soldiers: 4

June-

Flag Day-An entire day to celebrate o’le Glory. But more than that we’re celebrating soldiers…or are we? God appears in many phrases in American culture. Most notably, on the back of a dollar bill. Soldiers die for the flag and that is why they should win this one. But still, they are fighting for God & Country. The flag represents country, but God comes first. God gets the win here.

God: 6 Soldiers: 4

July:

Independence Day-I don’t want to fuck over the soldiers with another loss right here. But, God is mentioned in the Declaration of Independence. At least, I think he is. So much for separation of church and state if he is. I used to own a copy of the Declaration of Independence. I never looked at it. I hired an ex-militant to kill the person that gave it to me. Soldiers get the win.

God: 6 Soldiers: 5

August:

There are no holidays this month. Not even a stretch of a holiday. What an awful month.

September:

Labor Day-God works 6 days a week. That’s an awful lot. Single moms sometimes work that much. Single moms usually have to work Sunday too though. God always gets off. Soldiers have to work 7 days a week. The only advantage they have is that they haven’t had to work for 6,000 years (that’s right, the world is only 6,000 years old, the Bible tells me so). This is one of the few days a year where soldiers can throw down their guns and barbecue. This one is for them.

God: 6 Soldiers: 6

October:

Columbus Day-This is a day to celebrate the discovery of America by Christopher Columbus. The last time I checked (Tuesday) Christopher Columbus was not God. Was he a soldier? I don’t think so. But his brother in law was. As he stepped off the Santa Maria, he said “This is for my brother in law Rod!” Rod was a soldier. Soldiers win.

God: 6 Soldiers: 7

Halloween-A lot of religious people hate this holiday. I’m not sure why. I usually see slutty angels and demonic priests walking around this day more than I do any other day that a gay parade isn’t going on. People never really dress up as God for Halloween. How could you? He’s not that public. We’re not really sure what he looks like. He’s like J.D. Salinger. I’ve seen plenty of people dressed as soldiers for Halloween.

God: 6 Soldiers: 8

November:

Election Day-Soldiers usually vote. They use something called an absentee ballot. I know this because there was complaining about this a few years back. I had never heard of an absentee ballot before then. Hanging Chad was also a new term. God never votes. He doesn’t have to. He’s God for his sake. He can break down the voting booths if he wants to. That’s badass.

God: 7 Soldiers: 8

Thanksgiving-Soldiers always come home on this day. It’s weird because it’s a Thursday. Soldiers usually are torturing infidels this day. God has little to no involvement in Thanksgiving. At least not in my version. The Bible never mentions turkeys or squash. Soldiers talk about those things all the time. So do black guys from the 70s. They squash jive turkeys.

God: 7 Soldiers: 9

December:

Christmas-God.

God: 8 Soldiers: 9

Hanukah-I have never met a Jewish soldier. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever met a soldier. Or a Jew. Definitely never the hybrid of the two. This is another toss up. Luckily I have a dradle on hand. I spun it and it came up with famous Jewish God Abraham Lincoln’s face. God picks up this win.

God: 9 Soldiers: 9

Kwanza-I’m not going to bother with this one. It’s not a real holiday anyway.

God: 9 Soldiers: 9

Boxing Day-Canada’s finest…but I’m only doing American holidays. What about those Canadian immigrants? I’ll honor them. Canadians aren’t very religious people. They’re also not very good soldiers. They have a leaf on their flag and don’t mention God much or if at all in their national anthem. Still, it’s hard to give this one to the soldiers. I’ll determine this as who would win in a boxing match, God or the toughest soldier in the world. In a 2 second knockout, God wins.

God: 10 Soldiers: 9

New Year’s Eve-God is a good human being/creator/aluminous ball of intelligent gas, he concedes this one to the soldiers. He wants to have an equal amount of holidays for himself and for the soldiers. God is not a Communist despite his socialist view points. God has no political party. He supports our troops. You should support our troops. Tie a yellow ribbon on your car or to a tree. I think that’s what you do for soldiers. It might be what you do for missing children. But aren’t soldiers nothing more than missing children with large guns?