Posts Tagged ‘republicans’

I’m going to talk about politics here again. I read a book about politics recently. Actually it wasn’t a book. It was a movie. And I didn’t watch the movie. I saw the cover. I’m not even quite positive the movie was about politics. There was a white guy in a suit looking very presidential with a “What has America gotten themselves into this time?” face. It doesn’t matter what the movie was or even what it was about. I don’t need to know a single thing about politics in order to vote. That’s what makes America wonderful. In dictatorships you need to know who is in charge and what part of your body they will slice off if you do not vote for him. Iraqis in the 1990s were more well-informed than anyone in my country ever will be.

(Would you believe people actually saw this movie poster, thought it looked good, paid money to see it, and still walked out of the theater happy? I don’t for a second)

I was driving to work recently when I saw a really hot jogger. She had strong thick legs, little shorts on, and a face I would like to scrape off with a knife it was so adorable. She got me thinking about what it is about me she would hate most. Would she hate that I’m no jogger? Would it be my frugalness? Or maybe we would not see eye-to-eye on religion? Politics is always something I disagree with women on. Mostly because my stance on abortion and gay marriage is so abnormal. I believe abortion should be illegal and the baby should then be married off to a gay man. It’s a nice compromise. The Republicans get no dead babies and the Democrats get happy gays. I tried writing a paper on this back in high school. The teacher quit and was arrested a week later for trying to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb he hated America so much.

During my political thinking I have determined a way for the Democrats to remain in office for almost ever. It’s not a guarantee or anything it would always work. Definitely after Obama though. It’s a bit scary though because it’s never good to have the same political people in power for too long. It’s nice for a switch between Republicans, Democrats, and Whigs. Whenever any idea of thinking is in charge for too long we end up in a funk where the angry people get angrier and the happy people get cockier. This is why I hate elections. People are always extremely pissed or extremely cocky like they had anything to do with the victory. Everyone turns to me and wants to know my opinion. I joke and say I wanted whichever candidate had the cuter butt to win. I’ve never seen it, but I have a feeling Obama has a nice one.

(I’m not saying this does, but it might belong to Obama)

Here is my plan to keep the Democrats in office forever. Not that I want it really. I like a good mix of bad guy/good guy in charge. My idea is to always have a charming black guy with a pearly white smile run as their candidate. Basically every 8 years all they need is a new Obama. This won’t last forever. Even the most open-minded white person will get sick of seeing a black face in charge. Let’s be honest, we would all vote for someone who looked like us. A presidential candidate with the same name as me could run with a crazy belief system and I would vote for him on the fact we have the same name. That’s what this country has come down to, we vote for whoever we would want to have a beer with. Who wants to have a beer with a Republican? We all know black people are so much more fun to party with.

I think a lot of people who voted for Obama did so because they wanted to be a part of history. It’s like whenever any sports record is broken. We don’t care if the guy is on steroids, beats his wife, or has killed a person. We want to be there to witness something every dead person never has. I’m not saying all Obama fans are ill-informed and only voted for him because it was trendy, the thing people with white guilt do, he was Democratic and Republicans are evil, and his name is funny. If you’re over 25 I believe maybe you actually know stuff about the guy. Under this age barrier, I’m pretty sure you get all your news from Comedy Central. If the lead-in to your main news source is South Park then I don’t consider you a very unbiased person.

Gun to my head, who would I vote for? I would vote for Obama. It’s simple really. I am in the income level a Democrat would be under. Now until I manage to make enough money I will remain a little more left wing than right. Once I make millions of dollars by golly I am going to want to keep it. Politics are simple. Democrats want money. Republicans want to keep their own money. When a Democrat accumulates enough cash he becomes a Republican. This is why old people are Republicans and young people are Democrats, money. Young people have no money because they spend whatever they can on condoms, concerts, and chimichangas. Old people can no longer reproduce, all their favorite musicians are dead, and eating beans will kill their colons. So until I own a mansion I will lean slightly to the left because this benefits my interests at the point I am at in my life right now.

(Eastwood used to be a Democrat. He got so distraught he almost killed himself. Then he became successful and didn’t think he should have to share his personal achievements with idiots who stood in his way. I don’t care how crazy you get Clint. With a simple thousand yard stare and a simple “Yeah” you said more than we ever could. Now go paint your wagon)

What do I believe will happen this November? Obama will win. He hasn’t done anything to make his supporters hate him. As long as the economy doesn’t get any worse the Democrats will stay in power. Once the economy does get worse the poor people will want a change. Then they’ll look at the tax breaks the Republican candidate is putting out and see things aren’t so bad the way they are. Politicians need to learn to manipulate the United States citizens. They need to lie to us and make promises they never keep. Don’t be a donkey or an elephant. Be a snake. If politicians were for once willing to get their hands dirty and screw over a few more people then maybe they could gain some control and never leave office. They’ll be in power for so long that we will not even be given a choice for anyone else to vote for. Doesn’t this sound nice and simple?

I do my best to make my life into a cartoon. It’s not too hard. Most people I know are very cartoonish. They do stupid things like buy devices to catch road runners or watch Glee. One thing that makes life very much like a cartoon is the entrance theme. You know, music that goes with a particular character. Lots of people have entrance themes. Every time a batter comes up to the plate in baseball music hits. When a wrestler comes out for a match, he has his own special music. Even the idiots Jay Leno interviews have some tune played for them as they walk to a couch that has so many famous farts imprinted in the cushion that it must be worth millions.

Today I would like to provide some entrance themes for a particular group of people. Politicians. I don’t know much about politics at all as my favorite radio program is Coast To Coast AM which discusses ghosts and aliens, not the fat cats in Washington. Not that there isn’t much of a difference between the paranormal as there is with politicians. Both scare the shit out of me. So here they are. Songs I think politicians I see people on Facebook complaining about. Like I said, I don’t know much about them. I’m just going off of their names, character flaws, and stereotypes. Feel free to contribute anything better than what I have.

Barack Obama – Back in Black by ACDC

I’ll start simple with this one. If Obama wins again, he should use this. Get it? Because he’s back and he’s black. I can hear your laughter from here. If he loses, perhaps he could go with something like Hey, Hey, My, My by Neil Young. We’d have to use the “Into the blue and out of the black” version which doesn’t exist, but Neil’s already redone that song so many times he can make it happen. I don’t know how this would work. Unless one of those blue Kentucky people I am obsessed with becomes president it wouldn’t make sense. Leave it to Neil Young to release the same song twice and change the order of colors and call it new.


Rick Santorum – Welcome Home (Sanitarium) by Metallica

This would need to be a cover version where instead of Sanitarium they say Santorum. The basic chorus of the song would go “Rick Santorum, leave me be. Rick Santorum, just leave me alone.” I don’t know much about Ricky. I do know that he seems to get shit on a lot by my massively liberal Facebook friends. I don’t get how you could hate someone so much that you post mean things about them on a Facebook status. That’s like the ultimate insult and always gets someone to change their vote, right?


Chris Christie – Tomorrow by Silverchair

You need to know the chorus to this song to get this joke. You also need to know that Chris Christie is one huge fat fuck. He’s the governor of my home state of New Jersey yet I have never heard anyone say a single nice thing about him. I know he’s screwed over the teachers and the cops. I kind of get why though. People are stupid and they want lower taxes but they also want teachers and cops to get paid a lot and be plentiful. You can’t have both. That wouldn’t make sense. Anyway, he’s still a fat fuck. Listen to the chorus where they say “fat boy” over and over again then you’ll see what a hoot this is.


Herman Cain – Big Dumb Sex by Soundgarden

This guy really fell off the radar. I think it had something to do with a sexual assault, no? I hope so. Otherwise this joke makes no sense. I guess I could add it into any politician. They’re all sexual perverts. The chorus to this selection is simply “I know what to do, I’m gonna fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck you-fuck you!” which is basically the summation of every politician ever. Both literally and financially.


Mitt Romney – Anything by The Killers

Way too easy. Mitt Romney is a Mormon and so is the guy from The Killers. I could go with a few different selections. “Can You Read My Mind?” for the people who think he’s a bullshitter who isn‘t letting us know what his intentions are. For those who think he’s great I could go in the direction of “Mr. Brightside.” But because I’m in charge here I will go with my favorite song by them, “Don’t Shoot Me Santa.” Nobody wants to get shot by Santa. If he runs on this platform, of preventing Santa from shooting my face, I may have to contemplate voting for him then not doing it.


Rick Perry – Paranoid by Black Sabbath

Have you figured out yet that I know nothing about country or pop music? This would have to be another cover song where the lyrics are slightly changed. Obviously instead of Paranoid it would be “Perrynoid.” I never understood the lyrics to this song as it’s Ozzy singing it. I don’t understand much of what Rick Perry’s thought process is on his beliefs. Let’s not change anything then. For the sake of giving this shit-bird a bad theme, he gets a Lady Gaga song since he hates gays so much.


Michelle Bachman – Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Need I say more? Simply read about Mrs. Bachman for 5 minutes and tell me she isn’t. I only know this song because my sister listened to this all the time when she was 5. She’s a Colombian drug lord now.


Newt Gingrich – The main theme from How the Grinch Stole Christmas by the dead guy who sings it

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Gingrich” has such an amazing ring to it. He divorced his wife while she had cancer. What a Michelle Bachman! He has such a weird name too. Like too weird where he will never be president. What’s with guys with names like Barack, Mitt, and Newt in politics? I miss the days of everyone being named George or Andy. The only difference between Gingrich and The Grinch is that Newt would never steal Christmas. He’s not nearly as smart as The Grinch to pull it off. Oh, I went there.


Ron Paul – Crazy Bus from the television show Arthur

Say what you want about Ron Paul, he’s nuts. That’s all you had to say? Okay then. He’s different. I will give him credit for that. I would love to have him as some sort of advisor. He pitches random ideas and when he comes up with something good we use it. I don’t think he’s presidential material. He reminds me too much of a normal eared Ross Perot, who by the way I voted for in the 4th grade presidential election. He got 25 votes in the entire school of about 600. My friend’s older brother said that it was a good choice because Ross Perot likes sports. He wasn’t being sarcastic either. See where my political influences came from? No wonder the world is ending in a couple of months.

I would like to talk about a topic that we all enjoy, parties. They’re fun, usually contain a lot of drunks, lots of scandalous sex, and there is always a lot of unnecessary drama. Yep, that’s what the political parties of the United States of America are like.

My readers not living in the U.S. or familiar with how the politics here work, this is a brief summary for you. In this country we have every political party you can think of. Communists, Socialists, The Green Party, Libertarians, politicians who believe that other politicians are really reptiles from outer space disguised as humans, and Independents are allowed over here. None of them ever stand a chance at winning and that’s why everybody in my country complains. None of us would ever seriously vote for one of these third parties unless their name is Ron Paul. I never got the Ron Paul buzz. People like him because he “tells it like it is.” I don’t know. Telling it like it is doesn’t necessarily seem like a good thing from a politician. Doing good things for me sounds a whole let better. I like to be blind and think that there is hope for me after all. I don’t want Obama to come out and say “Listen, you grew up in a middle class family. You’re not really that gifted at much of anything. You’ll probably spend the rest of your life working mediocre jobs and hating that you didn’t try harder in school. Sorry. That’s Capitalism.” That’s a truth that I do not want to accept. That’s why I like my politicians like I like socks, dirty. Why do I like my socks dirty? Because when white socks turn black they look like a pair of black shoes. I don’t like wearing shoes. This allows me to wear only socks in public without getting funny looks. Unless someone looks directly at my feet. Then questions arise.

(You know this isn’t a picture I took because I don’t own anything doily)

Foreigners, also take notice, there are two main political parties in the United States. They are called the Republicans and the Democrats. The Republicans are the more conservative group and the Democrats are the more liberal group. That’s when they make their speeches and promises. Once they get elected, they become moderate, but in a way that none of us seem to like. I believe that most people are moderate with their politics. It’s hard to fully agree 100% with anybody on anything. That’s why politics are tricky.

Lets use make up a fake politician. We’ll call him Barack Bush. Say Barack Bush runs on a platform that he will make abortion legal. People who like abortions will be really happy. But then he also thinks that all chocolate products should be allowed. Barack Bush hates chocolate. Loves abortion, but hates chocolate. Now imagine yourself. You consider yourself a liberal. You think a woman has the right to choice what she does with her body. Even more than that you believe that a woman can get an abortion and then go out for chocolate ice cream afterwards. What do you do? Barack Bush’s opponent, George Obama, is very anti-abortion. He thinks that it’s wrong. He wants to outlaw it. But he loves chocolate. He’s going to spend our money on missiles to build chocolate factories all over the country instead. Low calorie, sugar less chocolate too for you health nuts. You’re faced with a serious decision. Do you want abortions or chocolate? The point of all of this is to let you know that you will never be happy with your decision. You have to sacrifice something with politics. In this case it’s the difficulty choice of abortions or chocolate. I know Meryl Streep had a difficulty decision in Sophie’s Choice, but that does not compare to this fictitious decision that you have to make.

(I would have sex with Meryl Streep)

When I was younger, I always figured that the Republicans were the bad guys and the Democrats were the good guys. A lot of young people feel this way. Republicans are old white men. They remind us of Disney villains or the Emperor from Stars Wars. I swear, for the amount of Star Wars references that I make, it’s not even one of my favorite movies. I didn’t even own a VHS of it when I was a boy. I had a copy that was taped when it aired on Cable. I’d have to fast forward through the commercials and have to deal with that awful sound that would come on whenever music would play. I kind of miss that.

Now that I am older and understand politics even less, I don’t see the Republicans as the bad guys. In a way, I see the Democrats as the bad guys. I always kind of relate it back to professional wrestling in a way. Yes, I’m going to mention Star Wars and the WWE. You’d think I’ve never spoken to a female that wasn’t named “Mom” with this banter. Maybe I don’t need to relate it to wrestling after all. No, I won’t. I’m better than that. But think about this. Aren’t the people who are in charge always the bad guys. In wrestling it’s Vince McMahon. He’s always better as a heel. High school had a principal. Principals are always dicks. Even your job. I’m sure it has a boss. Don’t you love to hate that ass-clown? What’s the meaning of all of this? We learn to hate those with authority over us. When Clinton was the president, Rage Against the Machine was raging against the machine! Then Bush came along and a lot of shitty punk bands came along to whine. I hated George Bush at first and by the end I pitied that fool. He was just a guy who did what he thought was right. I don’t think he was out to screw me. He was a name and a face that could be put out in front of us while the Illuminati did what they had to do. Now Obama is in charge and well, he hasn’t made anything better. I wanted to kill myself when Clinton was president, I wanted to kill myself when Bush was president, and I still want to kill myself with Obama as president. What drastic things have really changed between these three very different men? I don’t see it.

(These 4 guys need to calm down and do something more than sound like a louder version of the Beastie Boys if they’re really that angry)

I hate politics and it was painful for me to write about it here. I don’t vote because I’m not informed. I could become more informed, but what would that accomplish? It would stress me out and make me feel guilty when my elected official kills off a certain ethnicity. I’m not really swayed in either direction, Republican or Democrat. I always thought I would be a Democrat but the more I’m around them the more I hate them. Republicans are just boring and stuck-up. I don’t know if I’ve ever even seen one. One time at a Rita’s Water Ice I saw a limo pull up. A large family got out. One of the sons of the family twirled around and said “I love being rich” in a sweet British voice. I assume these people were Republicans. The mother and father in the family smiled at each other. They were making their kids happy. This is why I could never join the dark side, the Republicans. That queer twirling Brit ruined all hopes of me saving the elephant party.

I should probably mention that too. The Republican’s symbol is an elephant while the Democrat’s is a donkey. The story goes that the Democrats are a donkey because Andrew Jackson was a jackass. I don’t know if this is true or not. The same woman who told me that said that Ford’s Theater where Lincoln was shot was in Western Pennsylvania. I believed it then she played Billy Joel for the class. I didn’t learn much that year. My history teachers were never good influences and I blame them. My 11th grade history teacher voted for Condoleeza Rice for president in 2004. He voted for someone who got one more vote than I did. I was months away from being able to vote and the man teaching me about politics was throwing his vote away. All I did that year was get ignored by girls and watch Michael Douglas movies. Jesus Christ high school sounds like my weekends.

(“Stay away from Dupont Circle.” – the running joke in this film. Yuck)

Will I ever vote? Who knows? The Illuminati do but that’s because they have a crystal ball that they ask a lot of questions to for answers. I still think I know more about politics than your average 11-year-old. And really they’re the ones that should be voting. Most of the laws affect them more than they effect a guy living alone in his 20s who doesn’t own much. The best thing I do own is my mind. That’s something that the government, no matter what party can ever control until the year 2016.

El Chupacabras

Posted: September 8, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

They go by many names. Two actually. El Chupacabras or The Mexican Goat Eaters. A mythical beast that is said to roam the south and be able to shape shift. Nobody has ever caught one of these. Sometimes they think they find dead ones but it always ends up being a hungry cat or an ugly kid.

If I could ask El Chupacabra one question and he could communicate with me, I would ask why goats? You’re a shape shifting beast that can eat whatever you want and you choose goats? Goats can’t possibly taste good. They eat cans and always have shit hanging off of their asses.

Unless there are some kind of El Chupacabra standards of living, like they have to watch their weight or can’t afford new clothing if they do put on weight, they should be eating better foods. It’s not even that goats are the easiest animal to kill. Cows are much easier and there’s more meat on them. This can’t be it though. El Chupacabras can shift their shape. They can make themselves look like a skinny man if they want. Why watch the diet then? El Chupacabras stink.

I would do things much more different if I happened to be a shape shifter. I would eat like a pig. Candy, cookies, pastries, cakes, fried food, everything I fear. I’m a shape shifter which means none of that matters. I only now eat out of boredom and it will be impossible to put on weight. That would be awesome. I hope someone finds every El Chupacabra and kills them all. I don’t even want an examination of these things. They’re too stupid to deserve a proper burial. We should kick them all to death and make them into hats for the wealthy then sell the meat to schools.

El Chupacabras, if any of you are reading this, I’m calling your shitty choice in food out. Prove to me that goat meat rules and I will take it back. Until then you’re on my shit list of monsters right between the Chimaera and Michelle Bachman.