Posts Tagged ‘review’

I know I said I was not going to be blogging as much and this is my third this week, but it’s mostly because I have actually been home more and have less to say. The less you have to say, the more blog posts you do. The more you have to say, the more likely you are to get shot for having an opinion. Speaking of getting shot, here’s a review I wrote months ago that was supposed to be on some website that never existed and it’s about a movie where a lot of people shoot each other.

My Review of Battle Royale:

If you are anything like me, I don’t mean the manic depression, then you were a little upset with the 2012 hit film The Hunger Games. The film was pretty, had a good story, and it was long which means I got my money’s worth. The problem with The Hunger Games other than no one actually starved to death was that in a film about kids killing each other, things never got very gruesome. For those like me who were upset that many of the death scenes had cutaways, you are in luck because there is a much more violent film where The Hunger Games basically lifted its idea from and it’s called Battle Royale.

Battle_royale_pochette(With Beat Takeshi people! The only Japanese actor named after a fictional band from Doug)

I have been a Battle Royale fan for years now. I even have an old faded shirt I got off eBay years ago. I wear it to bed now more than anything because when I do put it on I have self-esteem issues about my body. I think it makes me look fat. What are not fat are the kids in this movie. Except for one of them, but he doesn’t last very long which really bugged me because as racist as it may sound, I had some trouble telling the characters apart.

Battle Royale essentially is about a group of Japanese high school students who while on a field trip are gassed to the point where they pass out. When they wake up, they are in a classroom. I know I’m sounding nitpicky with one of my favorite films, but I want to point out it would have probably been cheaper if they just drove the bus to wherever they were going and had a few guys with guns push the kids into the classroom. Knock-out nerve gas has to be really expensive. I have never bought any, but it’s not exactly something we ever see for sale in a Walmart circular. I think it’s safe to say nerve gas is expensive and I would have kidnapped these children at a much cheaper cost.

battleroyale(At a comic book convention I actually met the one with the small frame, straight dark hair, and tan-colored clothing pictured here)

A video is played that lets the children know they are on a remote island where they will have to fight each other to the death until only one is left. Sound familiar? It’s not. Battle Royale came out first and the book was published in 1999. The Hunger Games should sound familiar to you.

Questions are raised at this point as to why this is happening. As the case is with subtitled films, a lot may go overlooked because reading during a movie can be tiresome. These students are part of something called the BR Act which was passed after 800,000 students walked out of school without permission from their parents. Think of this as Ferris Bueller to the extreme with a lot more Japanese kids and machine guns.

Battle Royale (1)(I know neither is holding a machine gun, but remember that Asian people are larger than most so it just looks small)

In addition to the students in the class there are two other men in the room with them. These two men are former winners of the game. I never like games that when you win all you get is a chance to play again. Miniature golf does that. I also had a friend win a pie eating contest once and he won a pie. None of these prizes are fair, especially the one about having to kill more people after having killed all of your classmates.

Each student is given a bag at random. The bags contain helpful items like maps, swords, and guns or unhelpful things like a paper fan, a saucepan lid, or a copy of Battle Royale 2. I never saw Battle Royale 2. I heard it’s exactly like the first one so to me it sounds pretty useless.

The film follows these different students as they fight for survival. Some form alliances, others fend for themselves. Others choose to not fight which is ridiculous because if they don’t get down to one person before time expires, the collars on their necks will go off and decapitate them. Maybe that’s why they needed the knock-out gas after all. Kids hate when you put death collars on their necks. The only way you can do it is if they are knocked out. There goes my theory that I’m good at kidnapping children.

 battleroyale5(So if you put a grenade in someone’s mouth their head falls off?)

There are two main characters in the film, a male and a female. Their names are whatever the Japanese equivalent of Katniss and Peeta are. Their characters are not as deep as some of the side characters, some of whom are completely badass evil, but they work for what they are.

I originally fell in love with Battle Royale because of its ultraviolent images. This may indeed be the most violent film I have ever seen. It’s bloody, gory, and has good guys as well as bad ones. Where Battle Royale falls short I believe is that it is adapted from a very complex book. There are times I felt like important parts were skipped over too quickly and plot points were not fully explained. I had to do some reading on this film after viewing it which is actually a good thing because it means I liked the film enough where I wanted to learn more.

a-reading-books-hot-sexy-12(Reading? Hasn’t she ever heard of TV? Or a chair?)

Although at times you may find yourself watching this film not quite sure why this is all happening, it can be enjoyed from a less complex perspective. Did you enjoy the Christopher Nolan Batman films? Those are incredibly complicated. The Dark Knight Rises spoiler alert: Remember how Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend, whatever her name is foreign girl, reveals why she turned on him? It made no sense at all. She spent all those years getting into a business that she knew would get her close to Bruce Wayne. She went to school all for the sake of getting to kill him. It’s like in The Naked Gun when bad guy points out he spent years doing a job he hated just so he could one day kill the queen. And what if the Bruce Wayne girlfriend lady was ugly? Bruce Wayne doesn’t date ugly chicks. So many little things had to be perfect for her to pull that off. It made no sense and still the film was enjoyable.

Battle Royale is not much different in that way. Watch it for what it is, something different and original with graphic scenes of high school kids killing each other.

I don’t normally do film reviews but today I am. I will be reviewing the movie Suckerpunch. Why did I see this movie when I knew it would be bad? Well, there’s a pretty blonde on the cover with a few slutty friends in fishnets beside her and all are holding guns. I was renting this from the library and it was free so I figured why not give a movie a shot? Never judge a movie by its cover. I’d warn you about upcoming spoilers but I’d rather think of it as saving you time.

The film started off having good potential. It’s filmed uniquely, there’s an incredibly evil bad guy stepfather, and there seems to be a good story about vengeance. Then it goes downhill. The girl gets tossed into a mental institution and we never see the incredibly evil bad guy stepfather again and the story of getting vengeance on him never happens. Is this Hollywood’s way of trying to be original, by not going with the story we want to know?

(If Star Wars was first made today it would have been about a trip to White Castle or the night after a hangover filled with hijinx and random scenes that don’t really go together)

The plot quickly became the main character, Babydoll, getting a lobotomy. As soon as she’s about to get one she enters a different world in her mind, a strip club/orphanage where they do ballet. Yeah, what kind of David Lynch shit is this? Since there were many girls in their early 20s walking around with dancer’s bodies I stuck with it. I love a dancer’s body. They’ve got thick limbs and look taller than they really are. Is that so much to ask for from a woman, for her to be shaped like a tree?

(Whatever workout routine and diet this tree is on, ladies, follow it please)

When Babydoll did her first sexy dance she was transported to yet another world (stop trying to be Inception). Similar video game like worlds continued to pop up every time she does her sexy dance, a dance we never get to see. She is told by some random old guy (random because David Carradine died jerking off in a closet so they couldn’t get him) on how she can escape this strip club/orphanage. She has to gather up a few items, none of which is an interesting plot.

Babydoll tells her friends about her planned escape. Vanessa Hudgens is there because she can’t get in movies unless she dresses like a whore after she “accidentally” posted her 18 year old pubic hair online. The most mannish girl is reluctant at first but goes along with it because her lesbian haircutted sister wants to escape. They use Babydoll’s dancing to distract different men to get the items they need. Something tells me this dance was not the Jitterbug because the men in the movie seemed to really get distracted from what they saw.

(The Jitterbug dance is two black people fighting?)

Bad things started to happen like the lesbian haircut girl got stopped by a chef, Vanessa Hudgens snitched, and worst of all I was still watching. Babydoll and the mannish girl were all that remained and they attempted their escape. Babydoll had to sacrifice herself for the other girl to break away to freedom. This bugged me because the manly girl was not likeable at all. Why should I root for her to get away to freedom? She’s mean to her sister and an equal prick to everyone else.

The film cuts away to Babydoll back in the lobotomy chair getting her brain cut out. The doctor flinches because she looked at him funny “as if she wanted him to do it.” Then there’s some big scandal about how some doctor from the beginning is having sex with lobotomized girls. I must have missed something about how this is shocking or I should even care at all. Not that I am for lobotomized girls to get raped or anything. I’m so against it I even participated in a march over the summer for PARLG, People Against Raping Lobotomized Girls.

(The Spanish sector of PARLG protesting Tony Danza’s recent rape of a lobotomized girl. He showed her who the boss was)

The man girl got away and the movie goes on to try to say the story was about her and not Babydoll, you know, the girl the movie was about. This movie was one of the worst I have ever seen and I sat through a Madea movie. Yes the girls were attractive and slutty, the action was cool in some parts, but that doesn’t make it a good movie. This was clearly targeted for 14 year old boys who love video games and are scared of girls, I think. Or maybe it’s 14 year old bicurious girls who love video games. This movie was as bad as it looks and now I want to a lobotomy to forget about it.

(How did a movie with this suck so much? Oh now I get it, you’re supposed to feel like you’ve been suckerpunched for wasting your time. So clever!)