Posts Tagged ‘reviews’

Still running through things I wrote months ago to post it somewhere online, here’s a very bland review I wrote for a website that never ended up existing about the show The United States of Tara.

When it was announced that Juno writer and former stripper Diablo Cody would get her own television show, people were excited. I never lived in a home with Showtime, HBO, or any of those rich people channels so my reaction was pretty neutral. I had heard of her show The United States of Tara, but never really knew anything about it. Based on a recommendation from a friend who said she enjoyed it, I decided to give this show a try.

diablo cody(A stripper with a tattoo of a stripper on her arm. It’s like when Butt-Head said he was going to get a tattoo of a butt on his butt)

Starring Toni Collette of The Sixth Sense fame (I’m such a bum that is the only thing I knew about her) as Tara, The United States of Tara is about a mother and wife with dissociative identity disorder, the polite way of saying “bat shit crazy.” She assumes the roles of three other people. There’s Alice who behaves like a mother from a 1950s television show, T who is a slutty teenage girl with a foul mouth, and Buck who is a beer and gun loving Vietnam veteran.

taraposter2(Totally Photoshopped. Toni Collette’s boobs are not big at all like they look on T. Plus she’s more horse-faced)

The first season is about Tara and her family’s dealings with her disorder. She has a supportive blue collar husband named Max, an occasionally troublesome yet independent daughter named Kate, and a semi-openly gay son named Marshall. Each of her personalities, or alters as they are called in the show, brings differently problems. The family’s job is to love their mother no matter what and to help her solve these issues. What else is family for? Oh right, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.

Another important part in Tara’s life is her sister Charmaine who later on in the series takes on a bigger role. At first she is unsupportive of Tara which seems ridiculous because sisters never disagree about anything! I would know. Both of my sisters hate me.

At times this show can be pretty funny. At other times it can be a little too obsessed with its own worth. During many of the scenes it seemed to me like it was nothing more than Toni Collette showcasing different characters she could play. The character Tara was not only the least interesting despite having this unique disease; she was also one I felt the least empathy for. She reminds me too much of a crazy person telling people she is not crazy. She is crazy. She thinks she’s a Vietnam veteran. She was maybe four when the war happened.

vietnam war(Can you find Toni Collette in this photo?)

The other characters on the show make up for the lack of love I have for Tara. Max shows us what a good husband is. His love for Tara is so unconditional he doesn’t even have sex with her when she transitions into her alters. I feel bad for him at times. He looks reminds me of a defeated man who knows he made a mistake. Patton Oswalt is his best friend though. That’s one thing he has going for him.

My favorite characters on the show however are the children. Kate is constantly having some sort of trouble with someone or somewhere. Her adventures entertained me throughout. From getting her first job and dealing with sexual harassment to making strange videos on the Internet for gifts I fell in love with Kate’s sassy lifestyle. Oh and she’s hot and I hope 18 when this was filmed. Marshall is not too far off either. He’s new to being gay (I hope that didn’t sound intolerant) and watching him fumble through the dating scene is fun to watch. They may be smarter than most kids with wittier dialogue, but there are way too many pieces of them that are genuine to reality.

brie larson(They drink coffee too. I didn’t drink coffee until 4 months ago. Hollywood is energizing our youth!)

I would classify The United States of Tara as a quirky comedy. What else would you expect from Diablo Cody? At times the show can be pretty dark, dealing with subject matter such as rape and molestation. I swear though, it’s pretty much a comedy. The characters are insecure, have awkward moments, and all of this happens while the mother they all love cannot go a day without becoming someone else. Truly this show is about a crazy loving family more than anything else.

The United States of Tara is for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional household and wish there was a camera there to capture the magic that unfolded.

Here’s a review I wrote months ago for the movie Drive starring that hunky guy with the droopy eyes.

Ryan Gosling seems to have a free pass in life. He has an oddly shaped head yet still somehow manages to be a sex symbol. In half his movies he also has ugly facial hair. Still, women go wild for him. When Drive came out it was praised by everyone as an action packed thriller. I was excited to sit down and watch it. I found myself wanting to get up to leave my own apartment.

This particular Ryan Gosling film depicts him as a flat character with no personality whatsoever. I have no problem with quiet characters when there are others around him that I care about. Not one character in this film is memorable and the best performance probably comes from Ron Perlman who always plays Ron Perlman in whatever he’s in. Sometimes Ron Perlman wears a leather jacket or is a monster, but he’s always Ron Perlman.

ron perlman(Not sure which one is supposed to be Beast…)

The plot of the film is interesting enough. A Hollywood stunt driver moonlights as a getaway driver. You would think a stuntman might have a lot of personality, stories to tell, and be one of those adrenaline junkies who never shuts up about much he enjoys a rush. Gosling’s character hardly speaks or even moves his face. Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot had a thousand times more personality than Gosling’s character.

Quickly I began to lose interest in this movie. Credited as a thriller, I was expecting to be thrilled. It took almost forty minutes for anything of substance to happen. Gosling falls in love with some girl who has a shitty boyfriend which I guess is relatable because girls tend to date shitty guys. Girls no longer seem to want a guy with a job, a sense of humor, or the ability to provide for them. A woman these days, for the most part, fall for whatever guy has been unemployed the longest and wears his hat the most to the side. When will females stop sleeping with men who aren’t sweetie pies? If you want to be treated like a princess, don’t date a guy who wants to be one too.

ryan-gosling-in-drive-007(This was the only face he made throughout the entire movie)

The dynamic between the characters throughout this film is boring and confusing. Maybe it’s confusing because I was so bored and found myself counting ceiling tiles instead. Action does pick up and it looks like a lot is about to happen. There is a little bit of gunfire and some fast cars moving. This does not make a good film though. Giving me characters I want to see succeed or fail is what makes me enjoy a movie.

The bad guys in this movie don’t get nearly enough screen time for us to hate them. Albert Brooks plays a great prick, but is never given the chance to prove how dastardly he can be. Instead we are told how bad he is instead of shown. Considering this isn’t a film put together by some college students, they could have easily put in an additional scene or two where we really want the bad guys to lose. I’ve met high school students who were nastier than the villains in this film. I could not careless whether they won or lost.

drive-wallpaper_105469-1600x1200(How does he keep the same expression? He should be angry!)

Drive may be one of the most overrated films I have seen in a while. One person told me it was this generation’s Taxi Driver which made me think he didn’t like Taxi Driver very much. Taxi Driver had a complex character who you find yourself rooting for despite knowing he’s the bad guy, although I see him as more of a hero since he never actually hurts anyone. The person who told me this was probably not thinking very much deeper than basing it on the title alone. He probably thought Driving Miss Daisy was comparable to Taxi Driver.

If you are a person who will watch a movie for the sake of seeing Ryan Gosling then I would recommend this film to you. But please, realize he will never go to prom with you. Stop daydreaming. Ryan Gosling wants nothing to do with a girl who uses a photo of him as her Facebook cover photo. That’s just too creepy.

ryan-gosling-in-drive(“Christ dude, smile. I’m about to get shot and you’re going to bang my wife.” – the guy about to get shot and have his wife banged by Ryan Gosling)

My review of the film A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy. Don’t expect too many compliments.

From the creative minds of a lot of recognizable faces, but names no casual comedy fan will really remember, comes the story of a group of friends trying to live the American Dream. Scholars will say the American Dream is to have a loving spouse, healthy children, and a fulfilling job. Those things are all fine and dandy for some people. For me, I just want to be involved in an orgy. It’s not even so much being involved in the orgy as much as I would like to be invited to one. What’s wrong with me that this has never happened? Are my friends this boring? Are good old-fashioned orgies something that only happens in a film?

a-good-old-fashioned-orgy

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy was pretty much what I expected. The film stars Saturday Night Live cast member Jason Sudeikis as Eric, an average guy who loves having energetic parties at his father’s house in the Hamptons. For those of you not familiar with the Hamptons, this is where rich people in New York spend their weekends and think up new ways to screw over the poor. An anonymous source tells me they’re thinking about eating us next.

When Eric finds out his father has put the house on the market, he freaks out a bit. This will be the last summer him and his motley crew of friends have to throw their awesome parties. It’s a little hard for me to feel sympathetic for their situation. The last party I was invited to was after a funeral and I think I was only invited because I was mistaken for someone else. I guess I just have one of those faces.

Eric’s best friend, the overly sexual and overweight Mike, hatch up a plan to have an orgy with their best friends. At first everyone is reluctant to join in. The promise of sex though seems to be enough for some once they begin to realize an orgy with your friends is not so strange. The characters in this film have known each other since high school. What’s there to really talk about at this point? That’s the beauty of sex. You don’t have to lie about being a doctor when you’re doing it. Of course you have to lie about being one in order to get it usually, right? Please tell me I am not the only one.

doc02(This could easily be Photoshopped into making me more attractive to the opposite sex)

The first portion of the film follows as Eric and Mike try to convert the others. With personal problems arising in the lives of others, they see an orgy as the only thing to cure what ails them. The process shows just how close these friends really are. I have enough trouble getting my friends to accept Facebook friend requests. Maybe I should introduce myself to them in real life and stop referring to people I look at through a binocular’s gaze as a friend.

There are three staggering issues I have with this film. I use the word staggering because I have never used it before and it’s on my bucket list. Also on my bucket list, eating lunch tomorrow. I set my goals low so I can actually achieve them.

My first problem with the film is it isn’t very funny. There are certainly jokes throughout, most just aren’t all that great. I laughed out loud a few times which I believe is a requirement of a comedy. Being able to recognize humor is different than actually feeling humor. You can say someone is ugly, but until you’ve puked thinking about their face, are they really?

sandra_bernhard_435x290(I used to think Sandra Bernhard was Julia Roberts when she was going through a dark phase in her life)

Second, this movie is about an orgy and there is no nudity other than a fat man’s ass until nearly the end. Nothing against man-ass, I’m just not that into you. We see one pair of breasts and even those don’t last very long. If you plan to watch this movie for the boobs, don’t. I watch every movie for the boobs which is a bad habit I have. Let’s agree to never do it again because we always leave disappointed, don’t we?

Probably the most important thing that bugged me about this movie was the plot. The simple having an orgy thing was fine. The subplot was what really was half-assed. Eric ends up interested in one of the realtors trying to sell his father’s house. She’s incredibly forgiving whenever he behaves like an idiot which really annoyed me because I act like an idiot all the time and everyone always runs. Sometimes they even grab a cab if it’s not rush hour. The whole plot with Eric and the realtor is incredibly underdone. At no point did I care if they ended up together. They also seemed like two people who never really bothered to get to know each other. I want a relationship in a film, even one mainly about an orgy, to be realistic. Show the flaws, the insecurities, and the boring nonsense we all have to do when we get to know someone.

Here’s the review I wrote for that website that never ended up existing for the film The Illusionist, but not really because the movie was so bad I stopped paying attention.

Review of The Illusionist (but not really)

The Illusionist is a terrible movie with Ed Norton not as a modern-day person mixed up with the wrong people, Paul Giamatti not doing a funny enough voice, and Jessica Biel not wearing a bikini. Skip this movie and instead watch a much better movie about magicians, The Prestige.

the-prestige

You may have to actually venture out your door to get a copy of The Prestige, but trust me it’s worth it. In my opinion this is far superior to any of Christopher Nolan’s other films. The Batman movies take multiple viewings to understand and Inception takes multiple viewings, reading the script, reading numerous forums online, talking to the director, and then taking a wild guess what it means to fully comprehend. The Prestige is different and it still manages to fuck with your mind.

The Prestige takes place sometime when men pretend women have equal rights and there are no black people anywhere to be seen. I think it’s around 1900. Either way, it stars Christian Bale as Alfred Borden and Hugh Jackman as Robert Angier. They are magicians who work together until a fatal accident causes them to go their separate ways. It is because of this mistake the two go about exacting revenge on each other in both violent and show business ways. Yes, there’s a slight difference.

prestige(They were friends and then they weren’t. They’re like me and that kid who farted  me in 10th grade Spanish class)

Are you seriously not convinced how awesome this movie is yet? There’s magic, former friends attempting to ruin the other’s life, and magic. Oh, Scarlett Johansson is in it too. Not into chicks or the two stars Bale and Jackman? I see, you like androgynous people. You’re in luck. David Bowie plays legendary scientist Nikola Tesla. Take some time to clean the stain in the front of your pants you nerds. Change your underpants, and then continue reading.

ron swanson(David Bowie looks way too much like Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation here for me to ever take this movie seriously again)

Much of the film is told through diary entries as Borden and Angier steal each other’s magic journals trying to figure out how the other accomplishes their greatest tricks. There are plot twists out the wazoo. I think wazoo is Yiddish for vagina so you should want to see this movie even more.

The “present day” part of the film involved Borden on death row for killing Angier. This is not a spoiler as this is how the film starts. Told through flashbacks in a totally non-annoying way, we find out what looked obvious is not so.

Angier spends much of the film traveling to visit Tesla about a machine he has that can supposedly do “real magic.” While he’s off doing that and destroying any personal relationships he has with anyone, Borden is becoming a regular Criss Angel minus the me wanting to wake up and see “Criss Angel dead” on the top Yahoo searches. Both of their tricks involve making something disappear then reappear somewhere else. It’s called The Transported Man and may indeed be one of the greatest magic tricks ever.

scarlett(I had to include a picture of Scarlett Johansson somewhere)

The quote on the DVD case for this is “As soon as it’s over you’ll want to watch it again.” I’m not sure who said this quote as I leant the film to a friend who may or may not have traded it for drugs. I’ve watched it a few times already and would be willing to put more money into Christopher Nolan’s pockets by paying for a new copy. It’s just that good. I would be willing to buy two copies of it. I have never bought two of anything. It probably has something to do with growing up missing a leg.

Skip watching the incredibly boring film The Illusionist and instead watch The Prestige. It’s the newest movie I own which not only says how stubborn I am with movies, but also how great this one really is. Venture out from your caves and buy a copy as soon as you can. If you don’t like it then I honestly hope something bad happens to you today, tomorrow, not the next day so you think life is improving, and then something bad every day after that for the rest of your miserable bad taste in movie life.

Here is the review I wrote for that website that never ended up existing for The Human Centipede Part Deux. It has nothing to do with one of my most memorable blog posts I have ever done entitled Human Centipedes where I thoroughly analyze which part of the Human Centipede I would most like to be. So here’s a medically accurate review of an unnecessary made shock sequel.

The Human Centipede 2 Review:

Few movies can stir up such controversy as the film The Human Centipede. I had heard about the film from a friend who had heard about it from a homosexual Asian prostitute she knows, how appropriate. I enjoyed the original film, especially the first half where it was actually genuinely creepy and frightening. I had high hopes for the sequel. The last time I was this disappointed was when I got the waitress at Hooters with the one breast. I know it shows that she’s brave and all, but let’s call a spade a spade. The last thing I want to think about when I’m out with the guys for wings at Hooters is a hysterectomy.

The Human Centipede 2 starts off promising. The main character is introduced to us as a parking garage attendant, better known to some as  the unskilled janitor. He sits in his small cube office watching the finale of the original film, which lets us know the first one never happened actually happened in this universe which to me feels a little cheap and used.

The main character is named Martin and he is one of the creepiest men to ever appear on film. He’s fat, toad-like, and never speaks. As he claims his first few victims this film keeps me on edge, thinking this could possibly go somewhere. Spoiler alert, it never does.

martin human centipede(Ladies?)

One by one and sometimes two by two Martin bludgeons his victims in the parking garage he works at. For some reason it is never explained what happens to the victim’s cars or how the police never receive reports from the families of these victims. As soon as maybe four victims are claimed I would think an officer of the law would realize there is something in common, all of these missing people parked in the same garage the night they went missing. The Human Centipede claims itself to be medically accurate. Try being logically accurate and maybe people would enjoy this film a bit more.

Martin is portrayed as an abuse victim obsessed with The Human Centipede film. He has a scrapbook about it and he watches it continuously on loop. All of this effort is put into worshiping a film. With all of this energy he could have written a great book or cured some incurable disease. I appreciate the effort Martin goes to loving the film, but considering this is a sequel to the film he’s worshiping, I found out it a little pretentious.

Human-Centipede-2-007(He’s wearing glasses. I bet they’re not even prescription. So pretentious)

The main abusers in Martin’s life are his mother and his therapist. Not to say abuse ever makes sense, but his mother’s abuse makes a lot more sense than what his therapist does. The therapist openly admits to wanting to molest Martin, an overweight asthmatic in his 40s, while receiving oral sex from a prostitute in the garage Martin works at. How convenient. I think the most illogical thing here is that a therapist doesn’t make enough money to get a motel room. Martin’s mother is abusive in the more standard way. She blames Martin for his father’s death. His father deserved death because he sexually abused Martin. I found all of the molestation a little too much. What’s wrong with having a bad guy who is just plain evil? It works for Simon Cowell.

Basically this film is Martin beating people in the garage, taking them to his warehouse, going home and getting yelled at, and then repeating the cycle. Martin’s main goal with all of this kidnapping is to make the world’s longest human centipede which he assumes requires twelve people. The last time I checked my Guinness Book of World Records, two would have been long enough.

The final twenty-five minutes is finally about actually assembling the centipede. The shots are gruesome and a few still standout in my mind as memorable. Still, this doesn’t make up for the lack of a good plot, which the film had, they just executed it very poorly. The movie dragged and I found myself screaming at the computer “something happen already!” It was like watching the Jodie Foster film Contact only slightly better. Anything is better than Contact.

contact poster(The above image is the most offensive thing I have ever seen. My apologies. I had to make a point)

If I was in charge I would have done it differently. I would have had Martin obsessed not with a film, but with the crime story. Have it be an Urban Legend about the German doctor from the first film assembling these people together. Have Martin obsessed with a reality, not a film. The idea of imitating film can be unique, but in this case I would have preferred it if it was known that people were actually going out committing these heinous crimes. But what does my opinion matter? The last time I went to Red Lobster I got a hamburger.

Another thing I wrote for that website that never ended up existing. My Review of the Television Show Weeds:

weeds(Nice choice of characters to put here. Three of them aren’t even in half the series)

If all you did was look at the title, show description, and DVD covers, you would swear this was a show that could only be appreciated by potheads. I have smoked pot once in my life. I was 17, ‘twas the night before Christmas, and my mother yelled “fuck you” at me when I refused to help her set up the Christmas tree. What kind of mother does that? Everybody knows if you don’t set up your Christmas tree at least three weeks before Christmas then you damn well better be able to figure out how to do it on your own.

I only began to watch Weeds because a friend with good taste recommended it to me. Most of the people I have in my life have terrible taste. Being friends with me is the perfect example.

Weeds starts off in Season One with Nancy Botwin, played by the incredibly sexy Mary Louise Parker, already as a drug dealer. There’s no real origin story, although it’s clear why she got into the business. Her husband Judah died of a heart attack while jogging and dealing pot is the only way she can maintain the lifestyle her family had grown accustomed to.

mary louise parker nose(I am convinced she has the most perfect nose int he world. I bet her creepy uncles were always taking it when she was younger)

Nancy has two sons who are there with her throughout the series. Silas is the older son and Shane is the younger one. Silas is confident, handsome, and has the drive to do great things. Throughout the series we watch as he goes from a stud high school student with only a few insecurities into a stud man who on the inside might still be a little bit of a child. Shane is a lot different from Silas. We learn quickly that Shane might be a psychopath. He does have the same drive and adventurous spirit as his older brother which helps him survive in the chaotic world his mother has created for the family.

In addition to the immediate family, Uncle Andy Botwin enters the picture a few episodes into the show. At first I found him annoying. He seemed to get everything to go his way despite never trying very hard in life. Over time I grew to absolutely love Uncle Andy. When same sex marriage with fictional characters is legal, I plan on being Andy’s bride.

Weeds_1_lg(Left to right: Silas, Nancy, Shane, Andy, my invisible friend Manny that only I can see in pictures)

Along with an endless colorful cast of characters, the Botwins get into every adventure you could imagine a family could when drugs are involved. From dealing with the police, secret agents, the Armenian mafia, thugs, the Mexican drug cartel, and Nacy’s inability to keep her pants on around men, the family is never at a loss for trouble.

Weeds is a show that goes to places you could never imagine it would. The first three seasons all takes place in their small California suburb Agrestic where everyone becomes a doctor, a lawyer, or a business executive. Nancy’s only real trouble comes from her evil friend Celia who is a big antagonist throughout much of the series. Once Nancy gets the drug business down better, Celia is less of a threat as all she can really do is get the rest of the PTA to turn on Nancy.

Another memorable and loveable character from this show is Doug Wilson played by Saturday Night Live alum Kevin Nealon. He plays the shittiest accountant ever which doesn’t say much considering the current economic downturn we have been experiencing for the last forever many years. Doug starts off as a less than important character with some great lines and some good B-plots. Eventually he joins along for the full ride, going with the Botwins wherever they travel to. His love of marijuana is the main thing that calls him to stay around Nancy. After all, there’s nothing better than MILF Weed.

doug wilson(That’s right TBS fans! The host of the Funniest Commercials or whatever that lame show was called is on this show)

After eight seasons on air, Weeds completed its story last summer. The show goes so many places both with the character development and in the show’s main setting. It’s cleverly written to a point where the seriousness of danger melds perfectly with the comedy. This is sometimes a terribly depressing show as death, rejection, and hating your family are some of the main themes.

Nancy Botwin might possibly be the worst mother ever. Perhaps her biggest crime is we don’t get to see her naked until Season Four. It doesn’t matter if you have ever smoked pot or what your opinion on marijuana even is. This show is not about dealing drugs. This show is about a family, their friends, their enemies, and what happens to them because the mom has refused to get a normal job.

This show is must see. The style is unique and you will find yourself at times hating the main character because of how selfish she can be yet you will still love her anyway. But isn’t that how we feel about our own families? They can say “fuck you” to us all they want on Christmas Eve. We still show up because we love them.

I mentioned before that I started writing movie reviews for some website that didn’t exist yet. I don’t feel like emailing the girl in charge because then she will feel like a failure for letting me down. Instead I’m going to post all of the things I wrote for this idea of a website on this blog. My gimmick for the movie reviews was going to be “Movie Reviews for the Antisocial” where I would review movies accessible on Netflix, YouTube, or other places that didn’t involve going out in public. The first one I wrote was for the 1999 film Cruel Intentions. I can’t remember if there are spoilers. Probably, but this movie is as old as people who can consent to sex in some South American countries.

My Review of Cruel Intentions (1999)

When the film Cruel Intentions came out in 1999 I didn’t even know I had a penis. Well, I knew I had one. I just didn’t understand it. Not that I’m some penis expert now. All I am saying is I understand it has more of a purpose than making fellow swimmers scatter from within the swimming pool. Penises can lead to destruction.

This whole penis introduction is important because that is essentially what Cruel Intentions is about. Sebastian, played by a young Ryan Phillippe, is an iconoclast high school student whose father’s fortune has proven to kill off any compassion in his soul. He starts off as a guy who cares more about getting a girl into bed than getting one into his heart. His stepsister Kathryn, played by Sara Michelle Gellar, is not much different. She thinks sex is a game too. Using her assets against her step-brother whom she knows wants to sleep with her, they make a bet with dare I say it, cruel intentions.

Cruel-Intentions-stills-1999-sarah-michelle-gellar-12678491-1500-1007(Young Sara Michelle Gellar is probably in my top 10 crushes of all-time. Step or blood related, I would probably give her a back rub)

The bet comes about when Sebastian discovers the new headmaster at their school’s daughter is a public virgin. When I use the term public virgin I mean she did a whole piece in a magazine about it. These two were the first examples of how outdated this movie already is. Not only do magazines in hardcopy form hardly exist, neither do attractive blonde high school virgins.

This particular sexless member of society is named Annette, played by Reese Witherspoon. Upon reading the article in the magazine, Sebastian tells Kathryn it is his mission to deflower Annette. Kathryn calls his bluff. The two go back and forth for a bit before settling on the bet’s stipulations. If Sebastian cannot get Annette to sleep with him then Kathryn gets his car. If Sebastian does steal away Annette’s innocence then Kathryn has to have sex with Sebastian. Kathryn is also the one who came up with the whole idea of them having sex. When I was younger I used to wish I had a brother. Now that I’m older, I wish Kathryn was my stepsister.

Sebastian sets out on winning Annette over with his phony charm. It doesn’t work because Annette was warned ahead of time to stay away from him. Joshua Jackson plays a gay friend of Sebastian’s and we know he’s gay because he has bleached blonde hair which I guess was the gayest thing a guy could do back in 1999. He helps Sebastian find out who it was that warned Annette about his promiscuous lifestyle and things begin to get a little more Shakespearian.

joshua-jackson-in-una-scena-del-film-cruel-intentions-116297(Between The Mighty Ducks and Fringe, Joshua Jackson had a very strange career)

A web of sex begins to form as Sebastian sleeps with one person to get back at another. This causes Kathryn to sleep with someone else to get back at Sebastian. All the while, Sebastian is slowly actually starting to feel a real connection to Annette. He tries getting rid of her only to realize it is indeed true love and he is no longer the evil young man he was at the start.

Love, betrayal, and disloyalty are common themes in this film’s third act. I guess they’re common throughout, but I like to sound smart when I can point out I know the difference between each act in a film. It is here in the climax of the film Sebastian seeks out some sort of redemption for his putting his penis before the emotions of others. Will he succeed? Fuck you. Find out for yourself.

This film deals with a lot of issues plaguing young people. Who among us cannot say we have not made a bet with a sexy relative that involves having sex with them if we succeed? Actually, this film is difficult to relate to and I’m not just saying that because they use large rotary phones that they constantly slam down with anger. All of the characters are very well-to-do which means it’s okay to hate them all. These snobby children are making problems for themselves because life has given them everything they could ever want. And if you’re like me, you will hate these characters. You will hate them so much you enjoy watching them hurt each other.

Eiskalte Engel / Cruel Intentions(There’s also a black guy in this movie that plays a huge role that nobody ever talks about. 1999 was so racist)

From the opening scene of Sebastian driving into New York City while Placebo’s “Every You Every Me” plays in the background to the final scene when The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” cuts in, Cruel Intentions is a film I suggest everyone check out if like me they had no clue about the dangers a penis can cause back when this originally came out.

In the Jewish culture a boy becomes a man when he remembers some old language with a lot of “k” sounds. I’m not Jewish so how do I know when I become a man? Pubic hair? I think I became a man when I did something I never thought I’d have to do. I became a man when I went to the movies by myself. I used to think the guy at the movies by himself was a creep. I would laugh with my friends and be all like “Check out the loser. Where’s his trench coat? A police evidence locker?” And then one day I wanted to go to the movies and had no one to go with. Here are the movies I saw alone in theaters as well as my review of the films, but mostly the situations.

Slumdog Millionaire: I lost my movie theater alone watching virginity to Slumdog Millionaire. At least it was popular and kind of long, which when it comes to first times can be a little too much if you can’t handle it. That was a poorly worded penis joke. The movie theater was not far at all from where I was living and I remember showing up really early. It was a Sunday afternoon and I thought I’d get something to eat and maybe get really drunk in a bar alone then go to the movie. I decided not to get drunk and instead ate a sandwich then walked around a shopping center for two hours until the movie began. When it started I was the only one in the theater and I made sure to yell “Fire!” and “Rape!” in the middle of the movie because I could get away with it. The movie was pretty good too.

freida-pinto-golden-globes-2009(Is the guy on the far left Danny Boyle? Whoever he is, he has a head shaped like a gourd)

Watchmen: The comic book film come to life was the second film I saw in theaters alone. I met a girl on a train who I had really high hopes for because she was actually following me around and purposefully stood near me on the train and started a conversation. I asked her for her phone number, which I never do after a 20 minute conversation, and things seemed to be great. Then I called her and her phone was off so I waited another day to call her. The second time I called her I left a message asking if she was free and wanted to meet-up somewhere. Then I called one more time and didn’t leave a message. I spent that April Fool’s Day at the movie theater alone. As far as the movie goes, it was pretty good.

Malin-Akerman-Watchmen(Broken-hearted, I was left with falling in love with the one person who would never let me down, a hot fictional character)

Hamlet 2: I never saw the first Hamlet and I really didn’t have to. This was a comedy about a school putting on an offensive play called Hamlet 2. I remember it was really hot when I went to see this by myself. I had on my The Punisher t-shirt. There were two girls sitting in the row in front of me. One girl was a somewhat attractive and her friend was a mushy-faced blonde. There were only a few others in the theater so they couldn’t make a Tim-sandwich like they probably wanted to. I’m pretty sure there was a little kid in the theater too which is weird for a movie with a lot of cussing and nothing relatable for an 8-year-old. The movie was not fantastic, but still pretty good.

hamlet_2__1219374971_2186-1(The most famous scene from Hamlet 2. I’m kidding. That movie has no famous scenes)

The Mummy 3 – The One That Takes Place In China: I loved the other movies in The Mummy franchise. They’re fun and action-packed. The only reason I saw this movie was because I had a gift card and needed to use it. I went to see this movie on my lunch break at work. It was a “let’s see if I can get away with this” plan. And I did. Work was really slow at the time and I didn’t feel like working slowly to avoid having to learn something new or getting sent home early. Instead I decided to watch a Brendan Fraser film. I probably saved someone’s job. The review for the film, it wasn’t pretty good.

maria bello(The one on the left was supposed to play the one on the right. Couldn’t they have just killed her character off? It was probably the first movie Maria Bello ever did where she didn’t show off her vagina)

Django Unchained: I think this is the last film I saw by myself. I may have missed one, but who cares? Like when I went to see one movie the girl I was with kept getting up out of her seat to talk to her boyfriend on the phone outside. Why did I ever willingly go to the movies with a girl who had a boyfriend? Damn. Those were confusing times. I saw Django last Christmas and of course I thought everyone around was assuming I was there to blow up the theater. I always think people assume I’m there to kill them all whenever I’m somewhere by myself. I’m a white male in his 20s. Killing random people in mass is what we think about most. I sat next to a black woman and a Spanish guy as the film sold out. The black woman texted the whole time and the Spanish guy stared at her and cleared his throat the whole time. Despite this, the film was more than pretty good.

django-unchained-walton-goggins(Walton Goggins, the star of Django Unchained. Or maybe I just appreciate what a great villain he is and his lack of a hairline and giant gums give me hope)

Have you ever gone to the movies by yourself? What did you see? Did anyone look at you funny? Did you think it was because your fly was unzipped?

Most normal people have owned a pet. All psychotic people have. We all have that lonely person in our lives who lives with an animal. We’re not quite sure exactly how much they love that animal either. Are they dating? I don’t know. Cats can’t go to the movies which means they would be a bad date. Find a human being to make you happy.

I would recommend that everyone at one point have a pet in their life. It’s strange that some people never have. Having a living creature depend on you really helps eliminate the callous attitude inside us all. That’s why Ace Ventura was such a nice guy and Ebenezer Scrooge was a dick. Ace was always having to feed snakes and cuddle with porcupines. Ebenezer didn’t have any pets. It took seeing a crippled kid hypothetically dying for him to change his ways. But let’s be honest for a moment. Tiny Tim probably deserved to die. God Bless Us Everyone? Even terrorists, rapists, and Paris Hilton supporters? You deserved that gimp leg Tiny Tim. Not everyone deserves a blessing.

Dogs – These are probably my favorite species to have as a pet. They’re the most human other than monkeys. But you don’t want a monkey as a pet. They end up taking over. There was a Malcolm in the Middle episode about that. Dogs are like having a retarded brother/sister around. They sniff your crotch and eat food off the ground. Exactly how I would imagine my sisters to behave if they were retarded. Dogs are known as “Man’s Best Friend” and I get that. My dog isn’t my best friend. I’m lonely but not that lonely. The most annoying thing about a dog is that they are too clingy. They’re like that girl you just started dating and all of a sudden she doesn’t want you to go out with your friends anymore. Oddly enough, most girls that pull shit like that look like dogs.

Cats – I’m more of a dog person than a cat person, but I still don’t mind cats. I have bad allergies to them. Does that mean a lion would make me sneeze? I asked a man at the zoo that and he said he didn’t work there. My bad. He was wearing khakis so I figured he was on duty. Cats for some reason have always reminded me of gay men. They’re always cleaning themselves, rubbing their asses on things, and drinking from saucers. Maybe I need to hang around a few gays more. I don’t think John Travolta drinks from a saucer. Cats have the advantage of being small. They’re cuddly creatures who can easily be tossed around in joy or rage. That’s why I like them. I always find it funny that they bury their poop.

Hermit Crabs – Okay, now we’re getting into the lousy pets. Hermit crabs were very popular when I was younger. I don’t know why. I always thought I was a dumb kid but my classmates must have been worse. They bought into the idea that a seashell could be a pet. I took care of someone’s hermit crabs for them one time. I didn’t see them move the entire week. What a lousy animal. A pet is not a pet unless it can learn its name. Hermit crabs should be smashed below the heel of my boot. I never hurt animals but to me hermit crabs are not animals. They’re glorified rocks.

Lizards – My family had a lizard briefly. It was a chameleon. Not nearly as cool as the Spiderman villain. He sort of changed colors. I don’t remember much. He probably much starved to death because he wouldn’t eat. Iguanas are really cool. So are poor transitions from one thing to another. I like iguanas because they have giant flaps of skin that looks like beards. My babysitter’s pimply son had one. I don’t think he let me pet it. The first naked picture of a woman I ever saw belonged to him. He hid it in a Nintendo video game case. I have to say, as pointless as lizards are, they’re pretty sweet. I’m a big reptile fan. My parents used to say it was because I liked the color green. I think it’s because I can relate to their dry scaly skin.

Turtles – One of my favorite animals. Like I said, I love reptiles. I also love ninjas. So you can imagine how much of an influence Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was for me. Mutants are fun to look at. And hey, call me crazy, but some teenagers are pretty sweet to look at too. I would love to own a turtle. I did briefly. We found him stranded in a field. Why was I in a field? I hate corn. We nursed him back to health by feeding him grass or whatever it is turtles eat then released him to freedom. Turtles are an animal I’d love to ride on the back of. They’re not too fast that I’d be frightened and they’re green! I love green!

Snakes – Now, I said I like reptiles. That does not mean I like snakes. Freud might say that I was attacked by penises as a child. I say it’s just because I am a descendant of Indiana Jones. Snakes are creepy. Owners of snakes are creepy. I think when you purchase a snake from the pet store they make sure you have at least 3 tattoos of naked women. Snakes always seem to be breaking out of their cages and crawling into the walls. That’s so scary. A big slimy tentacle crawling around. I’ve touched a snake before which was interesting. I’ve also touched a fat girl before but I wouldn’t want one of those as a pet either.

Fish – Other than looking at them, there’s no point in owning a fish. They can’t communicate much with you. They can’t hear a thing you say. Rich people always seem to own fish. I’m basing this off of Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo. I enjoy a nice piece of fish for dinner every so often too. I would never want a pet that I could potentially want to eat. Having a shark as a pet might be awesome, but some kind of a shiny French type that puffs out its lips I can do without. Unless I make a friend that looks like the fish. Then I can use the fish to make my friend.

Rabbits – My Old Lady owns a rabbit. I joke how much she should be slammed in a door or dropped out of a plane without a parachute, but truth is she’s not that terrible. Yes, she’s very overrated. All she does is try to chew wires and piss on the floor. She sounds like old people. I’m talking about the rabbit by the way, not my notgirlfriend (that’s what we call each other now). I want to make that clear. The best thing about rabbits is that they hop. That’s kind of all they do. Hop and make little shits that I could hide in my fingernails. I would eat a rabbit if given the chance. I’ve even just about every other animal. That’s how I assert my dominance. By eating the families of lesser species.

Rodents – This includes rats, mice, chinchillas, and any other rodent that I can’t think of. I used to have a chinchilla. It died of head exhaustion because my bedroom didn’t have an air conditioner. How grim is that? It’s like the heat wave telling me that I’m next. I never liked my chinchilla as much as I should have. He belonged to someone else before me and I never felt like we had a chance to fall in love. Rats and mice are a little different from a chinchilla. I’m kind of grossed out by them. They seem too disease filled. And seeing a mouse always makes me think of someone dangling it by the tail over a snake and that makes me sad. A pet shouldn’t make you sad. It should make you want to murder it for being so damn adorable.

Birds – For a species that gets confused with Superman by onlookers of Metropolis, birds are kind of lame. Talking parrots are cool. They’re always helping solve murders by repeating what happened at the scene of the crime. They can also be wise guys. I associate birds with old women. Probably because they had the bird when they were a little girl who still had her hymen. They remind her of a simpler time. They’re too yappy for me. I’d get married if I wanted constant sound in my ear. Get married and let my mother in law move in with us. Hey, that’s an original idea for a sitcom!

I think I covered most of the normal pets people have. (I originally wrote “pants” instead of “pets”, there’s where my mind is at) I’m sure I’m forgetting something. If you own one of the pets I dislike, I’m glad you at least like them. I also do no consider horses pets. A pet isn’t something that you can get kicked to death by or bucked off of. And farm animals too. A duck should not be a pet. A duck should be fed bread then never interact with humans ever again. I just realized ducks aren’t farm animals. Well, pigs then. Pigs are not pets. Nor are spiders. I was going to write about tarantulas, but I don’t consider things I could crush with a large tissue a pet.

P.S. I also got an unusual mention on another blog. At least someone pays attention to my little “Easter Eggs” I place around. Big Old Katy Sagal Tits