Posts Tagged ‘satan’

From the skies birds drop dead. Fish in the oceans float to the top. Ice caps melt. Hillbillies purchase toothbrushes. Louie Anderson does a successful sit up. I change the channel away from the best of women’s Olympic volleyball. The world has come to an end. My first novel is now available in full.

(Your excitement level)

Yep, there were people out there who said I couldn’t do it. Friends. Family. The Nation of Islam. All of you. I spit on your grave. I have a completed book and what have you done with your life? I bet you can’t even lift a book. I’m stronger than you are. Better too. You won’t have me to push around anymore. I have as much credibility as that 50 Shades of Grey monster.

(She’s getting a little full of herself putting her own face on her next book)

Here is a link to purchase my book:

And here is another:

Did you miss it? I’ll give you a third:

You might be asking why the hell you should buy my book. Do you love your children? Didn’t think so. This book if you print it out is over 100 pages. That wastes paper. Paper coming from trees. Less trees means less oxygen. Your dumb kids will suffocate to death sooner rather than later. A perfect reason behind making this purchase. You can also smack them with the hardcopy. Children hate to be smacked. Especially by their parents. It causes them psychological damage. Boo-Hoo.

Thank you for all your continued support and readership with this blog. Without viewers like you (I feel like I should be offering you a $75 tote bag with Grover on it) I probably never would have put forth the agonizing manpower it took to complete this book. So in a way I guess you’re all coauthors. Even more of a reason to buy a copy! You will be on a best seller list. Of course we never signed any contract or anything so you will not receive financial compensation. If we ever meet in person I will be sure to give you a pat on the back. Unless you have a sweating problem. Then maybe you will have to settle for a wink in the distance.

And as a special gift (mostly to myself because I know more people will read it if they can get a free copy) I have included a code to access my book for free. I still would love a $2.99 donation. If you happen to pay full price let me know and you can decide what I spend the money on. It must be something practical like lunch or paying a Mexican coyote to smuggle me a slave into America.

All you have to do is sign up for the website at Smashwords, it’s very easy and free, then enter the code AG46L as the coupon to knock the price to nothing. I’m not sure exactly when it will be available on other sites as I did not think the Internet was so slow it would take three weeks for two websites to communicate.

As for why I chose August 9th, it just happened to be a month away from when I decided to do this gimmick. I got lucky a few strange things actually did occur on the day. Imagine how excited you would have been about this if I delivered you something you actually cared about. I am a true carny at heart.

Special thanks to Michael Cargill because without him I never would have heard of Smashwords. I will report back as soon as the book is available on other places like Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and so forth. Well, it is on Barnes and Noble but they thought the cover was so rad it didn’t deserve an actual summary.

P.S. As soon as I posted this it started to rain really hard and the lights flickered. Maybe I was onto something afterall…

All this end of the world talk I figured I should be a little clearer on things. No this is not a nervous breakdown. No I have not gone crazy. If anything I see things more truly than ever before. I have come to accept my fate. The fate that on August 9, 2012 the world will forever change. It’s cliché, but the end is nigh. Very nigh. So nigh you better return your library books. Late fees I hear can put you through hell after death.

Why August 9th? You’re probably asking yourself that. Probably also “Why have I stuck around long enough to see what will happen on August 9th? There better be some payoff!” There will be. Cataclysm. Destruction. The ushering in of a new era. Do not think of this as an ending, but rather as a new beginning. A chance to start over and allow yourself some happiness. Only the truly good will be saved on this day. In order to be saved you will need a few things. A kind heart. Willingness to take on something new. A credit card. Most of all you will need to embrace life and the new challenge that awaits you.

August 9th was a date given to me by an unknown source. I’m sorry, but I really am a little scared giving away my sources. We’ll call him Deep Throat as Deep Throat is the most notable unknown source in history. The Angel Deep Throat visited me one night. It wasn’t a literal angel like someone sent from God with wings and a sword. It was more an angel in theory. Like I felt the love an angel might give. This epiphany came to me and I began to research the date. I began to freak out. The signs all pointed that for sure this date would be the end.

Throughout history major events have happened on August 9th. Nagasaki had a nuclear bomb dropped on them. Charles Manson had his family murder a pregnant actress, the Folger’s Coffee heiress, and a few other dummies. Wayne Gretzky was traded. Wayne Gretzky! The greatest hockey player of all time was told to pack his bags and get the hell out of Canada. Chris Jericho debuted in the WWF to call out The Rock. This might not seem big to you, but it was huge in the wrestling world. It even made it onto the Wikipedia page for this date. The Wikipedia page of course being the main source for my prediction.

August 9th also happens to be the 222nd day of the year. The Satanical Bible is a lot like the regular Bible only with more swearing and several of the writers were overly sarcastic. As Christianity has The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit; The Satan Worshippers have The Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death, and The Devil. These three make up Hell. Since there are 3 of them each represents a third of evil. What is the number associated with evil? 666! 222 times 3, one for each member of Hell, gives you 666. The numbers are clearly there. Do not deny my math skills.

I hope you can understand more where my mind is and why I not only believe but know the world will come to an end on Thursday August 9th. I suggest you spend the day with your family. Unless you hate your family. Then spend it with someone you like more.

“And thus he arrived. Riding on his horse of fire. A whip torn from flesh in his left hand. Way was made to the diamond. Atop the throne he sat. Sure to let all those willing to see that he was here to stay. Past times no more the same. Life forever had changed. Satan had become king.”

This isn’t so much a blog post as it is an announcement. I’m dying. Dying to share with you other things I have been working on! Probably should have put some space in there for dramatic effect. Maybe for a moment there you really did think I was dying. Aren’t we dying though? From the moment we’re born we’re closer to death. My head also may or not be getting larger. I think this could be due to a brain tumor. If I still think it’s growing in a week I will go to the doctors and have him check it out. He’ll laugh at me. Then I’ll tell him I don’t have insurance. He’ll laugh again. This time out of joy and not pity.

I didn’t post anything yesterday and I’m not posting much at all today (actually that’s a lie you’ll understand in a few moments) because I am retarded. Really. I am mentally incapable of paying attention, counting, or having affection. I have a bunch of my future blogs ready and rearing to go, but silly me forgot to email them to myself. I could post something I wrote about Three Day Weekends. I don’t think it’s very good and that’s why I’m not posting it. I realized by the end that my distaste for Three Day Weekends is nothing more than me being lonely and running out of times I can tell myself “Hey, things might turn around.”

Tomorrow things will hopefully be back to normal. On a more normal schedule at least. I’ve been pretty busy lately with a multitude of things. Not really, but I have had a little less time to get on the Internet. I could be posting every day, but quite honestly I find it to be in shit-form to post when you’re not able to comment on other people’s blogs as well. Especially at this stage where I have people dependent on my readership. I’ll go more into this in a future blog about shitty bloggers and things they do. I just wanted to give a little insight into why I feel it necessary to not post every single day even when I can.

If you’re really itching to read something of mine I have added to my site the first chapter of a book I wrote. It doesn’t have that great of a title yet or anything and it’s kind of hard to explain what it’s all about. I’ll tell you this, Satan is one of the central characters. You would never know that by the first chapter. For some reason Satan always has to be a main character in things I write. Love letters from me read like journal entries of Charles Manson. Please excuse any grammatical errors as I have yet to edit it for the 50th time. Maybe I can get some feedback on it. Have someone tell me that it sucks and I should go fuck myself. Then I can give up on it and that’s one less thing to stress about.

In the future I plan on posting a few other things I have written. Screenplays and such mostly. I can’t do that yet because I am entering several into contests in the upcoming months. I’d hate for someone to steal it or more likely get disqualified for making it public already. I know, rules are weird like that. Nevertheless, if Community ever gets cancelled you’ll be sure to see episodes I wrote for that up in no time at all.

Here’s the link to the first chapter. It’s 117 pages total right now as I have it and 19 Chapters. I hope you enjoy or at the very least have something more to make fun of me about.

I’m not sure if America is aware of what is going on around them. The scary truth that we have all turned a blind eye to. I’m referring to the increase in the price of milk and oatmeal. Only a few months ago I could get milk for $3.29 a gallon and a giant tub of oatmeal for $2.24. Today, it costs me $3.79 for my Kosher milk and $3.54 for my plain boring oatmeal. I haven’t eaten oatmeal in a while now and that was before the price hike. I’m not sure if there is a war going on wherever oats are grown, but I want more blood for my oats!

Everyone is always worried about gas prices, justifiably so. They suck. It’s only been in the last 10-15 years that they’ve been so ridiculous. It costs too much money to go anywhere and once we do get there we can’t afford to do anything. No wonder the economy stinks. Nobody has the means to get to any place to spend their paychecks. Even worse, with the increase of the price of milk and oatmeal, we will all now have weak bones and be constipated on a daily basis. We’ll slouch and be full of shit. Maybe the government isn’t trying to fuck us, they’re just trying to turn us into them.

Before the “One of us! One of us!” chants come out of Washington, we need to act. Let our voices be heard that these increases in prices do not sit well in our osteoporosis tummies. Most of my solutions involve burning things. People have a stigma about fire. They say it hurts when it touches their skin. This time only, I do not want fire to be involved. Oats are highly flammable and I can see the government using that against our flames of victory.

Little known fact: In the 1970s, oats were often tied to the fireproof clothing of stuntmen in order to ensue excessive burning.

I am fully convinced that the government wants us to be fat and addicted to sugar. Eating healthy is nearly impossible without spending a buttload, pardon the language, of money on foods with vitamins. Then there’s Whole Foods, a place where they pretend as long as you shop there you’ll be healthy. Whole Foods is really just a Piggly Wiggly with weird-looking bananas. I can’t shop there. I saw a man shopping there and he had a double leveled shopping cart. Really? You’re organic brown eggs can’t be on the same level as your hand-made sugar less ice cream? Double-Decker shopping carts are the most pretentious form of transporting food. A golden bag made out of extinct animal faces would bother me less.

I will still continue to buy milk and on a special occasion oatmeal. That’s where we’re at. Oatmeal is a treat. It’s disgusting and tastes like testicle sawdust, at least the cheap kind I get does. The lids are always dusty too. But oatmeal helps us shit and some of us really need help with that. I’m hoping for the prices to go down, perhaps cows can over breed and a mine full of oats can be discovered by mountaineers. Other than those two solutions, we are screwed.

“One nation, under the control of the government, that wants me to eat bacon for breakfast.” – The Flag Salute