Posts Tagged ‘science’

Sorry if you read the title and thought this said “Steaks” instead of “Streaks.” I guess though if you have some debilitating disease where that’s the problem you also thought the first word of this post was “Soy.” Now you’re especially hungry. Nothing is more delicious than soy. Killing and eating animals is natural. We’ve been doing it since the beginning of bread. If you don’t eat meat you’re being a jerk to the local bread companies. You asshole. Enjoy your soy and tofu in hell you socialists.

(I eat steak because I love my country. Go to one of them vegan countries like Greenland if you got a problem with my national pride)

Streaks come in many different forms. Like dead people, they’re everywhere. The most common form of the word streak comes from sports. I like sports streaks. Some of them are so incredibly legendary and never to be broken. Joe Dimaggio once got a hit in 56 straight games. I’m sure Marilyn Monroe was happy that he was taking his slugging elsewhere for two months as she lowered herself onto her knees for the Kennedy Brothers. I know Brett Favre also has some amazing games played streak. Nothing compared to that of Cal Ripken Jr. I don’t know enough about football or Brett Favre to really be sure. I do know that he has a tiny unphotogenic cock. I’m sure there’s some streak there he has going. Sending the most dick pictures to sideline reporters? Hey, it’s something to add to the resume.

If you’re unlucky you’ve probably at some point in your life looked at your tighty whities and seen a streak. This is caused by improper wiping of your anus. My dad was guilty of this. We’d call his brown streaks “black beauty.” You know, like the graceful horse. I don’t know what it is but at one point in my life I too had a struggle with streaks. I would get yelled at by my mom each time she’d find underwear that looked like Holocaust pajamas. I’d go to great lengths for her not to find my shit stained underwear. I’d hide them in a shoebox under my bed and wait until she did laundry then toss them in. I think this is why teenage boys are bought boxer shorts. After 13 years of looking at their little boy’s poop, moms have had enough.

(Is that a shit stain on the back of your boxers? No it’s Mario’s mustache! Is that a mushroom poking out of the front of your boxers? No it’s the end of my–)

You can add “er” to the word streak and you get streaker. These are daring individuals who either have some strange fetish or have lost a college bet. I would never go streaking. I have a tad bit of dignity left and I want to cradle that close and in clothing. I’ve never seen a streaker in person either. I’ve seen woman flash their breasts, but never someone ran by with their dong flapping by. Why do people on TV always find streakers amusing? I’d be so fucking annoyed. If I was at my staining his underwear with shit son’s football game and some stoner decided to streak across the field I would pull him down by the neck hair for wasting my time with his awful display of physical comedy. Streakers have to be careful these days. I think if you streak in front of a kid you are arrested for making a child grow up too fast. They ask their parents hard questions like “Where do babies comes from?”, “What’s that thing called?”, and “Should I be feeling as aroused right now as I do?” Here’s a tip. If a child uses the word aroused, they don’t need much explaining.

Objects can streak. Cars streak across the road and into a guard rail. Comets streak across the sky and into earth killing all of life. Animals have things on them sometimes that look like streaks. These are called stripes. Since animals don’t wear clothes, they’re always streaking so this is relevant fodder. The most popular of striped animals is the zebra. Nobody’s favorite animal is the zebra though. They’re very forgettable. Nobody really kills a zebra for anything is probably why. Elephants give us pianos. Deer give us trophies for our walls. Snakes give us belts/joke dildos. You wouldn’t kill a zebra and use the flesh as a striped shirt. I mean, it would make things easier on people but that’s so cruel. We already kill alligators for footwear and handbags. Women are evil.

(Quit smiling and get ready for my foot up your ass)

I hope you learned a lot about streaks today. Maybe I have inspired you to get your own streak going. Remember, there’s a difference between a record and a streak. A streak takes consistency and stamina. Yeah, that’s not you, is it? Perhaps instead I have reminded you of why your asshole is itching so badly. Cha-Cha-Cha over to a piece of Charmin and clean that butt mister! Your mom will thank you. For the more daring of those reading this, you’ll probably go out and run around naked. Kudos to you! I hope you get hit by a car and die that way. Finally there are those who have learned about the horrors of how we treat animals. You’ll probably start a petition to help save the whales, the clumsy fat girl of the animal kingdom. You will not succeed. Nobody cares about the whales. Why would we? What have they ever done for us other than throw their piss water in our faces?

None of what I am about to discuss has any scientific backing. Well, it might. They do some pretty stupid studies. I remember one was something about how fat kids like school the least. Yeah, they do. They get picked on and they have to move around every 41 minutes. There’s only one lunch period too! It’s a fat kid’s hell. I used to make sure to take off at least one Monday a month because I hated school with a passion. I knew another fat kid who chose Fridays as his day to take off. Note to scientists, do not do a study about how fat kids love three-day weekends.

(“I love 3 day weekends!” – fat kid from Modern Family, much better than the Two and a Half Men fat kid)

Onto the science stuff. Remember, none of this has any backing. I believe that radio, television, computer, cell phone, all those devices will eventually kill us and have been for years. I know, I sound like the Unabomber. In the early 90s he was blowing up people via the mail because he was afraid technology was going to take over. 20 years later, he’s been right. I do believe that more technology can be a bad thing. I don’t see how knowing the score of the Seahawks/Raiders game instantly is necessary. I used to love looking at sports scores in the newspaper when I was younger. I would have to wait the next morning to find out how other teams outside of my area did. It was beautiful. The Unabomber had a great point. A poor way of executing his point, but he was right. The machines are going to take over.

What inspired these thoughts? Mostly the idea that I woke up this morning an hour before I should have. For no reason at all I woke up. I looked at my cell phone and I had a text message. Something about “Hey my car broke down and my wife is going into labor, can you help us out?” I deleted the text message but not before looking at the time. It had occurred 1 minute earlier. Before you say that my phone vibrated or made some kind of a whacky sound that woke me up, think again. My phone was on silent. If this had happened once I wouldn’t think much of it. The fact that it happens a lot and even happened twice earlier in the day makes me wonder. Yes Robert Plant, it really makes me wonder.

(He looks terrible. That stairway to heaven he bought will be coming in handy real soon)

I know this can probably be easily explained. Not every silent text message has woken me up. Enough have for me to blog about it. That’s when you know something annoys you, when you blog about it. Something that annoys me that I have never blogged about is when people are wished a happy birthday on Facebook and don’t directly thank the person. Even clicking the “Like” button is fine. Just posting a status saying “Thanks for the Happy Birthdays” is insulting. Fuck you birthday boy. You’re not that busy. You’re not George Clooney. Do it the next day if that’s when you’ll have time. We took the time to post on your page hoping some hot girl from high school you’re friends with will see it and think “Hey, he’s cute now. He probably has bad self-esteem from his older days of looking like shit. Maybe I should contact him and ask if I can hide his penis inside of me.” Birthdays come around once a year and you don’t have the time to thank each person? At least thank most. At least thank me. You’re a prick if you don’t. And I hope your birthday sucks.

My theory with the text messages is that the nearest tower is to the east of my bed. Where I keep my phone, on my nightstand/cup holder/temporary used condom table, is to the west. This is going to sound insane, but I think that the message travels through my brain and then into my phone. It’s not like I know what the message is. But I think that it might be possible that some electrode snaps off in my brain and jolts me. I mean, it has to be possible. We don’t really know what these frequencies and waves do to our heads. It can’t be good. I know that much. I type this all with a laptop inches above my balls. If I ever am able to have children, it will be a miracle. Then I will have to be a dad and that will be a disaster.

Our brains are very powerful. I believe that most of the “unexplained” in this world is our own doing. I think we can create anything with our brains. Events, moments, objects, anything that our subconscious “wants.“ I know, this is deep hippie shit. I don’t take drugs either which means if anything I’m crazy. Frequencies and waves may not kill us, but they’re waking me up from awesome dreams. Isn’t that enough of a crime? That chick was SO into me. Her hair looked like Vitamin C’s hair.

(Vitamin C is okay looking. These are gorgeous!)

30 years from now, we might all have a giant brain tumor from all of these wires and stuff flying around. I know 3 people with epilepsy that live on the same block. Isn’t that a little strange? There are power lines that run across the street from them too. Hmmm I don’t know. That seems a little shady. It doesn’t necessarily help my argument, but it does make it possible. Anything is possible. If we believe something hard enough, it can become true. If everyone believed that I was black then I become black. I am officially black. The color white is now black but the color black is still black. I’m rambling about nothing. I think these cell phone frequencies are really doing some serious damage.

Donnie Darko is a film about a teenage boy who travels through time, I think. Nobody really knows what the movie is about. Just like how nobody really knows what BUDDHAKAT!!! means. A cat that has reached Nirvana? Seth Rogan is one of the bullies in Donnie Darko which you may not have known. He has only a few lines, one of which being “Lets get the fuck out of here.” It’s a movie that you either love or hate. Unless you’re me. I can’t decide whether or not I like it. The colors are pretty, the theme is dark, and I’m impressed that they got both Gyllenhalls to play siblings. It doesn’t take much for me to like a movie. Just put on two relatives and it doesn’t matter how little I get the plot. I will still enjoy your film.

The main theme of Donnie Darko is about string theory, I think. Shit. This movie is really confusing. Almost as confusing as string theory itself. For those scientifically retarded individuals reading this, string theory is basically the idea of being able to travel on different “strings” of time. It’s almost like you have multiple paths you can go down. You follow the string to meet your destiny. Honestly, I might be completely wrong as to what string theory really is. That’s what I gathered from flipping through a few pages of a book about it and reading the Wikipedia summary of Donnie Darko. Science isn’t my best subject. Home Economics has that distinction.

One string theory I do understand is the one about the piece of string I found in my parent’s bedroom when I was around 10 years old. I was playing with my sister (not like that you pervert!) and we found a piece of string. I don’t remember the color. All I do remember was that it was a short piece of string. Yarn perhaps.

(Warning: This is as cute as this post is going to get. The rest is very gross)

Being 10 years old, my mind assumes that all adults do when they’re in a bedroom together is have sex. I wanted to believe that my parents were in a happy and healthy relationship so I believed that every time they went into the bedroom it was their honeymoon all over again. That’s where my string theory came into play.

Using my lackluster knowledge of science, I concluded that the string I found beside the bed must be some sort of sexual device. For what exactly? How can one small piece of string possibly cause extreme sexual arousal? Well, here’s a list of things that I can think of that you could use string for to get off on.

(Nazi puppet on the right?)

Puppet Master: The string is tied around the penis in a loop with another strand free to tug on. It doesn’t matter what part it is tied to. All that matters is that the penis is fastened in tightly like it‘s about to go on some extreme sporting event. The partner (or wife, because gay sex is a sin) will pull on the string and make the penis wobble to and fro. This action will resemble a marionette puppet and if the kids were to walk in you can always put on a cute show until you can think of a better excuse.

(Native Americans rioting by burning sticks and figs)

Indian Burn: Place the string below the penis and pull each side of the string upwards. Pull the string back and forth (this will be an up motion) causing the penis to receive an Indian burn. The quicker, the better. This would only be suggested for those who are into inflicting or receiving pain. I know who you are! And I want your phone number.

(This was taken in 2003. He still hasn’t figured it out)

Chinese Finger Trap: Both partners tie an end of the string around their erect nipples while facing each other. Then you take a step backwards until it stretches your nipples even further, guaranteeing arousal. The act resembles that of a Chinese finger trip. The device created by the Chinese where the stereotype of them being sneaks came from. There’s no real escape from this. Unless you count escaping a life of sexual repression.

(You don’t know how hard it is to find an Indiana Jones photo)

Indiana Jones: The female partner lies down on her back, legs up in the air. The male partner (or female partner, lesbian sex isn’t a sin) takes the string and in a whipping fashion, whips the vagina of his female partner as hard as he can. Be sure to hit the clitoris. That’s where girls like to be touched. I’ve read that in Cosmopolitan and my sister’s diary.

(Did we really defeat Communism when this was in style?)

Rat Tail: The female in the relationship places the string into her vagina with only one little piece hanging out. This will look like the tail of a rat if done properly. The male’s job is to slowly pull the string it. This is a very rare yet satisfying sexual activity that has been handed down from incestuous family to incestuous family. Also, do not pull too quickly. It could be hazardous.

That’s where my 10-year-old mind was at. I really believed that my parents could do such horrible activities to each other while I tried sleeping on the other side of the wall.

To this day string still freaks me out a little bit. I wonder where it has been and why it smells like balls. I can’t wear hoodies with the strings in them and always have to cut the strings on the blinds off whenever I enter a room. I can’t eat string cheese. Stringer Bell from The Wire made me feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what form the string is in. Thin. Thick. Long. Short. All string reminds me of is my parents being passionate. It makes me almost want to hang myself, but a noose reminds me too much of string.

I’m not blind. My eyesight stinks, but I’m not blind. Being blind has a lot of negatives that come with the lifestyle, which is a choice by the way. Blind people can’t catch a ball. They can only stop it by being in the way. They also can never cook because they’ll end up microwaving their ties. Television and movies are incredibly boring for a blind person. Especially when there are a lot of sight gags. You will never find a blind person who enjoys The Naked Gun.

(“I don’t get it.” – Stevie Wonder’s review of The Naked Gun)

I see a lot of disabled people. At least one a day it seems. They’re usually the disabled people who have lost mobility below the waste. Often, they are rude. I don’t know why. I’m always nice to them. I hold doors, offer to get things off high shelves, tease them by threatening to push them down the stairs. I treat them like I would treat any other human being. People in wheelchairs always are snarling. I guess they’re allowed to. I spent some time in a wheelchair (3-time leg breaker) and I really hate having all of the girls pay attention to me and family members offering to help for once.

The type of disabled person I never notice are the blind ones. I see their markings all of the time. Brail always graces the restroom signs. I don’t know why that is necessary. If they got all the way there and managed to find that one little piece of brail on the wall, I’m sure they can find the correct bathroom. Blind people have really good senses of smell. That’s how they tell the difference between the men’s and the women’s room. One smells like shit and piss and the other smells like shit and piss and has a longer line. And lets be realistic. They’re blind. It doesn’t matter what washroom they use. As long as they don’t mistake a penis for a sink nozzle or a vagina for a hand dryer they’re good.

What amazes me about blind people is that they have these dogs that lead them places. Seeing-Fucking-Eye-Dogs, minus the fucking part which I only added for emphasis on how amazing that is. We as human beings have trained dogs to help blind people cross the street and do other daily blind people activities. We don’t talk about this enough. A wild animal has been domestic and now can be the eyes for those who cannot see. That’s so brilliant. It’s the greatest thing about the planet earth. That we can replace tiny yet important body parts with a German Shepherd.

(When I’m old and need a hip replaced I’ m having this dog replace it)

I’ve heard rumblings that whenever you spot a seeing eye dog that you should not touch them or acknowledge that they’re even there. Kind of like when you see a blind person you’re supposed to ignore that they may need some assistance because it’s rude to ask people with disabilities if you can help them because they’re not handicapped, they’re handi-capable. I don’t care what anyone with a disability says, if I see a human being struggling to do something I will help them no matter how much pride they might have. Unless they’re ugly. Don’t want any of that rubbing off on me. It sucks that you can’t pet the dogs. They’re always so regal and smart. Not like most other dogs. A seeing eye dog would never lick itself below the waist. Now that’s almost as amazing as getting a dog to lead a human being. Getting one to keep his mouth off his dog knob is still pretty good.

There are a few other disabilities that deserve a dog or some other kind of animal assistant. We all know by now that monkey assistants are no good. That never turns out well for any of the parties involved. People in wheelchairs should have the option to attach themselves to a hippo. I mean, their legs are no good anymore, right? Why not get yourself sewn onto the back of a mammoth animal? I know we have to have the science to accomplish this. We can pasteurize milk. We can certainly make a creepy parapelygic/hippo hybrid.

Surgery isn’t always the best option. Maybe people in wheelchairs can just have sled dogs drag them around. The problem with that is that sled dogs move too swiftly and do not cut corners well. It would most certainly paralyze the man in the wheelchair behind them for a second time. Did you know that if you get paralyzed twice it means that when you go to heaven you’ll still be paralyzed? It’s in the Bible, hidden with all that anti-gay and parts about dinosaurs. That’s why instead of a sled dog the wheelchair man can use a hippo to drag him around town. They move at a nice pace and plus, they’re hippos. They can always go into the water if he wants a bath. They really are the perfect animal for helping out. I hear they’re good at math too.

(Why couldn’t this hippo have gone to my school?)

I’ve barely spoken much about seeing eye dogs at all. I don’t really know what else there is to mention except how incredibly awesome they are. And that’s all I need to say really. If you’ve ever owned a dog you can appreciate all of the hard work that a seeing eye dog does. A dog can have a job! Does that not amaze you? With unemployment at an all time-high dogs are getting hired before human beings. Maybe this isn’t nearly as shocking as I am making it out to be. I’m the same guy who used to wake up early on Saturday mornings to watch the garbage truck.


I know I might have been a little mean to disabled people in this post. Perhaps a little insensitive. I apologize and if you mail a self-addressed stamped envelope to me I will reimburse you fully for your anguish. Write “Mooselicker” on the envelope and the mailmen will know what to do. They’re good like that. Or you could always attach it to a pigeon. That would kind of go along with the theme of this post. Animals helping out humans.

But if you’re blind and decide to mail me something, be sure that you don’t place your mail into a trash can or an open car window. I know that’s a high probability. I’ve done it myself. I’m also going to be amazed that you’re blind and were able to read any of this. Unless seeing eye dogs have more skills than I once thought they did. Now that’s something I would love to see. A dog surfing the Internet.


No. This isn’t about gay couples or detectives who work together. Well, it can be. It’s more about business partners. I suppose you can be a gay couple and still be business partners. Maybe own a cookie shop that sells Snicker Doodles or a dildo manufacturing plant that manufactures, dildos. And being a detective is sort of business. And you can be a gay detective. That would be a great sitcom. Two gay detectives solving crimes. They wouldn’t have to be all gay crimes either. Like who stole all of the rainbows from the city. They could solve real crimes like finding the ass-less chaps murderer of Southern San Francisco.

I’m not that easy of a person to work with. Either it’s my way or the highway. Maybe not the highway. It’s more of it’s either my way or I’ll let you do it your way and not contribute very much to the finished product. I’m open for compromise, but not willing to compromise my own ideas. One thing I have noticed about famous partners though is that one is usually a little bit chubby and the other is usually pretty thin. The best part about it, the chubby one is better.

1) Take for instance the creators of South Park, Trey Parker & Matt Stone. Trey Parker seems to get more credit for most of what is done. He starred in the first movie they made and always does more voices than Matt Stone. I don’t know how the work really gets done, but from what I’ve seen, Parker is the main idea guy behind it all. He’s first billed and the one who got to make out with Yasmine Bleeth in Baseketball. More importantly, Trey Parker at times has looked a little overweight. Maybe not, but Matt Stone is really skinny. They are a perfect example of a partnership where the chubbier one is more successful and the thinner one gets the scraps.

(Matt on the left, Trey on the right. Notice how his coat can’t even button)

2) Moving across the pond (I hate when people say that, ponds are small, the Atlantic Ocean is not) I make a stop at famous comedian, writer, and actor who has been seen on television and in film Ricky Gervais. He’s super famous. A huge draw wherever he goes. Then there’s his probably equally as talented partner, Stephan Merchant. A guy whose name you may not have ever heard of if you’re a casual fan. Merchant is the writing partner of Gervais yet he never gets the accolades that Gervais does. Why? Because he’s really skinny and Gervais is rather plump. I know, it’s probably really because Gervais is in films and Merchant does not act. I still find it odd that here is another example of a great comedy duo where the fat guy can go out to a bar, pick up a woman because of his recognizable face, and the skinny guy gets stuck with the girl with the liver spot.

(Again Ricky can’t close his coat and Merchant has no problem wearing a shirt that shows off his flat body. A constant theme in comedy)

3) One of the more popular shows on television is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It was created by the characters on the show Mac & Charlie. I’ll stick with their character names because that’s easier and you’re probably stupid and thought it was a reality series anyway due to the shaky cameras. I know now in this present series, Mac is fat. Like really fat. He did it on purpose which shows you how much money he has made. But going back a few years, Mac was the buff in shape guy while Charlie was the skinny fat guy who never took off his shirt. I think it took until around Season 3 until Charlie took off his shirt. That meant 2 years of him dieting and exercising to get a television chest. It’s good for him and he probably did it to try to break the stereotype. Charlie was never by any stretch fat, but I can easily say that he has for a long time been everyone’s favorite character. I think it’s because he gets shit on the most and fans of the show get shit on in real life by their friends. We relate to him. You may say that this one doesn’t count, but I have one more to try to fill out my conspiracy.

(Mac comfortable enough to wear a muscle shirt, Charlie having to cover everything up to his wrists)

4) Did you know that Kevin Smith has a partner that he works on every or at least most of his films with? His name’s Scott Mosier. Smith has described him as having a “runner’s body” or maybe that was me after seeing a picture of him. I’m not really sure at this point and afraid to find out the correct answer. I would describe Smith as having a “body of water body.” Kevin Smith is fat. That’s not a surprise to anyone. His friend, co-writer, and producer Scott Mosier is not fat and that’s where my conspiracy comes back into light. Kevin Smith is one of the most famous independent filmmakers of all-time outside of that annoying black girl that I know who made a poster for Stomp The Yard 2. He acts in his films, writes them, directs them, he’s a jack of all trades. What does Mosier do? Pretty much the same thing except for the acting part of it. Yet we don’t know his name. I could go into a mall and ask everyone if they know who Scott Mosier is. I’ll be lucky if one of them doesn’t guess that it’s some kid they go to school with. He hasn’t made his face known and that’s probably why he isn’t famous. I mean, it all makes sense. But why doesn’t he let himself be known? Is Kevin Smith really that much better?

(The fat guy has the water and the thin one a beer. I think the government is lying to us about something)

It’s strange to think that I could find enough examples to prove my theory. I mean, that’s pretty damn good. I’ve achieved proving my theory with A LITTLE LESS DOCUMENTATION!!! than he did. Newton only had three laws of physics and I’ve found four examples of fat/skinny partners where the fat one is the more successful and liked one. I’m better than Isaac Newton if you look at it like that. Do you know what else makes me better than Newton? No apple scars on my forehead.

Going all the way back to Abbot & Costello and up through David Spade & Chris Farley and then with George Bush & Dick Cheney, having one fat guy and one skinny one is usually the formula for funny.

One day, maybe I can add myself to this list. I’ll be a popular Hollywood actor who does just as much work as his thin partner, but gets all of the credit. There’s no rhyme or reason for these coincidences. Maybe that’s why I call them coincidences because that’s exactly all they are. Coinciding Denses–or something that breaks down the word coincidences into its two-word meaning.

I know a lot of stupid people. I’d probably never tell them to their face. It’d be a waste of time because they probably wouldn’t understand it anyway. Dumb people never know that they’re dumb. And they always complain about other dumb people. Hey, maybe I’m dumb.

I don’t consider myself brilliant by any means. Please. Please. Spare me the compliments. It’s impossible to tell whether you really are smart or not. The mentally retarded might think they’re geniuses. Like how most people think they’re funny and how most girls think they’re fat, I believe that most people think that they are indeed smart.

So, I’ve been trying to come up with a standard to measure smarts. You can’t say the SATs have any merit. I didn’t study for them and did much better than some kids who got much better grades and I did much worse than kids who continue to make the same mistakes even years later. That doesn’t sound very smart to me. Making the same errors you did back in high school. Shouldn’t you have grown as a person?

My new definition of smart is very simple. I’ve accounted for all of the factors, mixed a few potions, pushed a few buttons on a machine that does nothing, and have come to a conclusion on what smart really is. Being smart is knowing your own weaknesses. That is what I have come to believe.

We all have weaknesses. Some of us more than others. I’m looking at you smelly. Being to identify those weaknesses is vital for any situation, especially when you want to look smart. You see, if you have a weakness and you let that weakness be seen all of the time, you’ll look dumb. For example, I can’t sing. If I always tried to sing, went out to open mikes or called my family over to watch me perform, they’d think I was dumb. I’m dumb for thinking that I can do something that I clearly can’t. Knowing that I am diaphragm challenged (the part of the body that you’re supposed to sing from, not the vaginal condom) helps me to move on and show off my strengths rather than my weaknesses. People see what I’m good at and think “Christ, that son of a bitch is one smart motherfucker” in those exact words.

There isn’t much that I’m all that great at. That’s why I don’t do much. I’ll keep to myself and hide away from others. That way, when people talk about me they’ll take notice that they never see me fuck up. They’ll think that I never do. And smart people never make mistakes. If they did, they wouldn’t be very smart now, would they?

I don’t so much care about being considered smart as much as it would bother me if people thought I was stupid. I guess I’m in between. I don’t make silly mistakes and I never blow anyone away with incredible knowledge other than facts about state birds. Even that subject is a bit foreign to me. I’ll assume the oriole is the state bird of Maryland because of the baseball team. Just like how the Blackhawk is the state bird of Chicago.

The way I believe I am perceived is that I’m smarter than I really am. But as I said at the start of this, I know a lot of stupid people. Why would people think a dumbass like me was so smart? Because I have an opinion on things and can debate it, even when I know I’m wrong. In a different world where you don’t have to read books or memorize things, I would make a great lawyer. Of course, law also wouldn’t exist much. It would just be me yelling about the ends justifying the means. So that skill is pretty useless except for tricking dumb people into think I’m smarter than I really am.

I guess though it doesn’t really matter if I’m smart or dumb. We all have our moments of brilliance and our brain farts as well. But knowing your weaknesses and helping to eliminate them will not only make you appear smarter, it will make you smarter. It’s easy to change the world. The hard part is changing yourself.

“I have a great sense of humor”

“I’m not your average girl/guy”

“I like to keep an open mind”

These are three things that I hear or see people say about themselves. To quickly strike through the first two, no you don’t and no you aren’t. Most people have lousy senses of humor. If a joke ever offends you then you have a bad sense of humor. I’ll come back to that point later, sort of. And saying you’re not average? Only an average person would ever say that. You are average. Average is good. Saying that you’re not average makes me assume that you are below average. Which, you are.

This leads me to my next point, I guess. Let me go back to that whole thing about getting offended at a joke. The same people who get offended by jokes are the same people who use the phrase “I look a good joke, but that was too far!” They are the same people who consider themselves open-minded and there is nothing more closed-minded than getting offended.

My first target I will go after is myself. I like to consider myself open-minded. I don’t really care about your sexual orientation or nationality. Other than making fun of it that is. Truth be told (I’m like a guy from the 1500s using that phrase), I probably am pretty close-minded. There are things I would never try even though other people enjoy them. I would never suck a dick or kill a baby. Those are two things I will never do. That makes me a close-minded person. Every night there are guys and gals who suck a dick and enjoy it. There are also guys and gals who shake babies and enjoy that. I can see how jovial it makes them, but I could never partake in either. It’s just not for me and that’s okay.

People who complain about not being accepted are the most close-minded people there are. That is, unless I find someone else by the end of writing this. Organizations that are anti-anything are close-minded. If you are anti-gay you are close-minded. If you’re anti-black people you are close-minded. If you’re anti-technology you are close-minded. But, if you are anti-anti-gay you are also close-minded. If you are anti-anti-black you are close-minded. And finally to close it out, if you are anti-anti-technology you are close-minded. I swear, I’ll do my best to lay off the hyphens from here on out unless talking about a child with divorced parents.

There is too much preaching about accepting others when the whole idea of acceptance is so phony. I may have mentioned this before, but why is accepting something a good thing? Acceptance means that you didn’t get your way. It means that you are now miserable because you accepted something that you didn’t really want in the first place. Avoidance is much better. If you don’t like Catholics then don’t accept Catholicism. Avoid it. Don’t involve yourself in it at all. Just stay away. There’s no need to ruin fun for everybody else.

So how do we solve these problems and have it all make more sense? We can’t. It’s impossible without some sort of being an asshole. It’s a great thing to be accepting of others even when you don’t have the same beliefs, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right. Really, who determines right and wrong? I don’t know, I’m really asking. It’s case specific. When people say “I’m accepting of everyone” they’re lying out of their easily offended assholes disguised as mouths. You’d have to accept rapists, terrorists, and pop stars. Excluding any denomination of human being would be close-minded. And that’s not you, is it?

To truly be open-minded you would have to be completely accepting. We usually call them pushovers and pussies, they usually don’t have too many friends, and they’re always the butt of the joke. There’s no reason why you have to understand or even be willing to try to understand people with different views from you. It’s a waste of time. Live alongside each other in peace without giving a shit what others think if it’s different from you. If you really do care what others think and it bothers you that their opinion is different, chances are you don’t believe strongly enough in your own morals.

“If you disagree with that, then you sir are worse than Hitler.” – Greg Gutfeld


Posted: September 22, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , , , , , ,

I am a genius. There, I said it. The first step to becoming awesome is admitting it. I think it’s pretty humbling the fact that I have waited this long to let the world know that I am a closeted genius. I fall into that category of “I’m not cocky, I’m confident.” Most people who use that phrase are untalented and only care about themselves. They should really say “I have lousy friends who make me look better, I’m not really that great.” But then people would be honest and who wants to live in a world like that?

Everyone reading this can agree on who out of humankind are geniuses. Albert Einstein is the first that comes to mind. Then there’s William Shakespeare, Stephan Hawking, Watson & Crick (I think that’s the name of the guys who discovered the DNA strand, or maybe I’m thinking of those Jewish lawyers with the bad commercials), Benjamin Franklin, Ken Jennings, and whoever the agent for the “Epic Movie” guys happens to be. I mean seriously. Those things don’t even make that much money. Those men are all geniuses. Sometimes women are geniuses too but this is my blog and I won’t mention either of them.

Below is proof that I am a genius. That is, proof if you believe that I too have these qualities. I’ll try to “dumb it down” for some of you. I know we can’t all be as smart as I am. Without further adieu, here are the signs that you too are a genius.

Sign 1) Messy Hair

My hair is very messy. I haven’t gotten a haircut in almost a year and I never comb it. Sometimes I’ll even make it messier on purpose, giving the illusion that I am smarter than I really am. I don’t need to do this because I’m already a genius. It does however make all scientists and members of MENSA look up to me more as an older brother than as an equal.

Sign 2) Reclusive

I am very reclusive. I once went two years without being photographed. I live alone and there are a lot of trees in my neighborhood. My neighbors don’t know my name and I rarely say hello to them. Normally they would think I was a jerk. Since I do have all of the signs of a genius, they forgive me and ask me for help with science homework.

Sign 3) Hard To Understand Speaking Voice

I don’t really stutter, but when I do talk a lot of the time it doesn’t make sense. It’s not really a lisp. I know there’s something wrong with my voice. Nobody’s ever said there was. A teacher once made someone else do a voiceover for me on a project for school. The kid he chose to do it was a black student and they always have great speaking voices. I’m not saying that blacks can’t be geniuses, just not the ones that have smooth voices. I also seem to spit a lot when I talk. Something us geniuses have in common.

Sign 4) Socially Awkward

I’m not so much socially awkward as I am unwilling to listen about the lives of others. I’m sorry, you’re boring. Are those really the best crackers you’ve ever had? I don’t care! All geniuses are socially awkward because we are usually thinking up new mathematical formulas to help save the world. While we’re doing that you’re usually watching Jersey Shore with your ugly friends.

Sign 5) Irrational Fears

All geniuses have at least one irrational fear. The more you have, the smarter you are. I have a lot of irrational fears. I’m constantly afraid of having someone use technology against me. Technology is something that us geniuses do not understand. Some of us create new technologies, but that does not mean we understand it. Fathers create teenage girls and they don’t always understand them. Anything is possible. That’s the motto of smart people. It helps us keep an open mind.

Sign 6) A Questionable Sexuality

My sexuality has come into question a lot in my life. People debate whether I’m a stud muffin or a natural-born Casanova. Like with geniuses of the past, I like to keep them wondering if how suave I am will get in the way of improving human life.

Sign 7) Lack Of Common Sense

I have little common sense. I work like a machine. I have a task, I get that task completed without thinking about it. Us geniuses tend to use your brains so much that menial jobs will be done poorly due to stress on the inner labrum. That’s a part of the brain if you didn’t know.

For further proof of how much of a genius I am, ask anyone that knows me. They will agree that I am the most brilliant person that they have ever met. If they say that I’m not then they’re probably jealous and trying to hack into my computer and steal all of my ideas.