Posts Tagged ‘sex’

I decided I’m going to do two blog posts about Batman in a row. This one is dedicated to the women in Bruce Wayne and Batman’s life. The biggest problem with Bruce Wayne is that he never could balance banging one chick as the millionaire playboy and a different one as Batman. For some reason he had to eventually bang the chick as both, because maybe he likes women to feel like whores. I don’t know. My parents weren’t shot dead in front of me so I will not judge.

I have been thinking about it and Batman/Bruce Wayne should have gotten hotter chicks than he did.

Kim Bassinger

VickiValeKimBasinger

In Batman, the original film done by Tim “Hey that’s a cool idea, let me ruin it” Burton, the love interest to Bruce Wayne is played by Kim Bassinger. While Bassinger was attractive back then, she was still in Alec Baldwin’s league and was he ever sexy? Alec is the famous Baldwin Brother. Daniel is the sexy one.

Michelle Pfeiffer

Batman Returns-michelle-pfeiffer-michael-keaton

I’m not going to even bother looking to see if I spelled her last name correctly because silent P’s piss me off. Her last name should be Fifer. Don’t give me this bullshit about a P then two f’s with an e thrown in there for good measure. Michelle Pppppppppppppppfeiffer (if you can add one silent P you can add many silent P’s) played Catwoman in this movie and she was still hot, but quickly fading. Taking into consideration that Batman was played by Michael Keaton aka the snowman possessed by a dead father in Jack Frost, he was dating way out of his league.

Nicole Kidman

kidman-and-batman

I never was attracted to Nicole Kidman. She’s so tall and flat in a wobbly sort of way, no disrespect to her of course because all women are beautiful in some way. Nicole Kidman just happens to be beautiful in the way she has lots of money. Not only that, Kidman slept with Tom Cruise. Worst of all, she’s not the only Bruce Wayne girlfriend to do it.

Katie Holmes

katie-holmes-batman-begins-400a-010407

Prisoner of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes is another actress that has no sex appeal yet we pretend she does. Best known for her Dawson’s Creek days, Holmes could only be so lucky to nail a guy like Bruce Wayne down. Christian Bale is also probably the best looking Batman, at least in my eyes. There’s something about him I find so endearing in a totally “hey we’re just two men exploring each other’s bodies” kind of way.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

rachel-dawes-maggie-gyllenhaal

Not only did Bruce Wayne want to tap this, so did Harvey Dent. They fought over it and eventually she got killed and Harvey Dent had half his face blown off. Really, Two-Face should have been called Half-Face. I guess he has a more positive perspective on life than me though, right? That’s how those things are determined. Maggie Gyllenhaal seems too attainable to me. Someone like Bruce Wayne should only get really hot chicks with giant breasts and bad taste in television shows–because hot chicks always have such bad taste in things.

The Dark Knight Rises did a good job at actually having women Bruce Wayne should more realistically sleep with. Anne Hathaway was hot as Catwoman, the foreign girl with the dumb plan that took too long was smoking, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute in a boyish way. I still can’t believe they had Batman makeout with a guy!

*Please note I would bang every woman mentioned here, but that’s only because I make $12 an hour with no benefits other than my boss gives me muffins sometimes.

**Also wanted to point out that Iron Man dates Gwyneth Paltrow, another woman who is not as attractive as we pretend she is. Maybe I just have something against incredibly flat-chested women?

I forgot I had a file on my computer labeled “Submissions.” Despite your best guest, this fall was not filled with different ways to tie a girl down. These were things I had planned to submit to popular humor websites like University Funny or Cocained. I was tired of always being rejected on everything I submitted so this file sat dormant and untouched since June 20th when I guess I last added something to it. This is just a little behind the scenes as to where this little ditty came from. I was going to submit some of these along with the other things I am writing for Yahoo, but I don’t want to be too edgy there, plus I can live without the 5 cents this would earn me.

What Your Breakfast Choice Says About Your Sex Life

Hearty-Breakfast

Can your choice of breakfast really give others an idea what you are like in bed? Scientists will say no. Keep in mind, many scientists do not believe in Intelligent Design. This means scientists must believe in Unintelligent Design. Conclusion, scientists are stupid and you can indeed tell what a person is like in bed based on their breakfast choices.

What does OATMEAL for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re not flashy, you don’t care what anyone else thinks, you have sex because it’s just something you think you should do, and sex with you is somewhat bland but you are very filling nonetheless.

What do POPTARTS for breakfast say about my sex life?

You tend to remain flat, anyone can do everything you can in the matter of seconds, and the older you get the more you will realize this is for kids.

What do PANCAKE for breakfast say about my sex life?

You have a really good reputation, you go well with anything and at any time of the day, and you’re near perfect.

What do WAFFLES for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re trying too hard to do what the pancake does better. Give up. You’ll never be as good.

What does FRESH FRUIT for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re boring, you have no imagination or willingness to be daring, and you’re probably a lonely person who will die that way.

What does CEREAL for breakfast say about my sex life?

You are a lot better in theory, in the beginning you’re pretty good, after a while you get a little too soggy, and you tend to make a bigger mess than anyone ever expected.

What do EGGS for breakfast say about my sex life?

You know a million different ways to do it and each way ends with you having terrible gas.

What does COLD PIZZA for breakfast say about my sex life?

You don’t put much thought into anything you do, you tend to not finish what you started the night before and try to make up for it the next morning, and you think having something is better than having nothing at all.

What does HAVING NOTHING for breakfast say about my sex life?

You were probably too busy jerking off to have time to prepare anything for breakfast. Get some granola bars.

Breaking news, I am not perfect. The most recent time when I shaved my head, I missed a spot behind my ears. I had to snip it off with some scissors. This is just one of the very few things I have not done perfectly in life.

Instead of putting myself down and listing out all of my imperfections, I am going to list out other people’s imperfections, most notably, imperfections girls have that I kind of like.

Pimple Scars: I wrote a whole post on pimple scars before and how I kind of like them. I know, weird. It’s not the pimple part or anything I like. It’s the scaring. That’s not it either. That makes it sound like I would have sex with Mickey Rourke. Keep in mind pimple scars are not good on everyone. They work best on ethnic girls or Amanda Bynes. They only work well on Amanda Bynes because I think someone needs to sand paper her face a bit she’s turning into such a bitch.

amanda bynes crazy(Me? Obsessed with Amanda Bynes? No! You’re obsessed with my non-existent obsession!)

Alien Shaped Heads: One time I heard one person say to another person, “You’re so pretty! That’s weird because Guatemalans are usually so ugly.” If that isn’t a backhanded insult if I ever heard one. An Alien shaped head is essentially a girl with a big forehead. One of the prettiest girls in my middle school gained weight in high school and her forehead got bigger. One kid I knew called her The Predator. Admittedly, I kind of like these alien shaped head girls. When a girl’s head is too big for her body, I have to get to know her, at the very least to insure my protection once her family invades.

coneheads3(Something like this)

Big Gums: There’s something about Mary, but there is also something about girls with big gums. I saw a girl on a train recently with big gums and huge bags under her eyes. I was getting ready to cut off a testicle to prove to her I was willing to commit. When I say big gums too I mean more in a Miley Cyrus way and less of a Butthead from Beavis and Butthead way. The big gums should rarely come out. When they do though, expect to see my smile.

mr.ed_(The longer I stare at it the more I appreciate Equus)

Shy: Is being shy an imperfection? Probably. Obesity is a disease now so shyness has to be an imperfection. I like shy people in general. It only becomes a problem when they don’t open up when the situation is a comfortable one. I like girls who are initially shy. It shows their insecurities and I have less to be afraid of when I say to her “Don’t just stare at it, eat it” when I get her on all fours. Or all fives. An extra arm or leg is another imperfection I may not mind.

shy girl(Look at her and how shy she is. Everything is left up to the imagination. Or maybe she’s cold. Yeah. I bet it’s the cold)

At Least One Chronic Painful Body Part: I would say my chronic pain comes from my left foot, my left knee, and my left hip. I think they’re all somehow related. It’s not that I want people to suffer, although some I do, but I like the idea of a girl not being able to do something that I can for her. Like a girl with a hurt shoulder will never ask me to play tennis with her. I hate tennis. It’s badminton for pussies.

leg injury(He’s making the right face. He’s not faking. Owww!)

Ditzy/Clumsy: Whoever I end up marrying better die when she steps off a ledge accidentally because she’s that dumb and clumsy. That’s all I have for this.

ditzy-little-miss-ditzy(Why does a ditzy girl have to look like the hemorrhoid in a hat with Cheeze Wiz hair?)

Too Perfect of Posture: Okay, maybe I’m cheating now because I don’t really have anything left and wanted to make this a little longer. I hate girls with no shoulders. Your upper half should not look so box-like. If it does, don’t go sleeveless. Do some wall-slides, whatever those are, or shoulder dislocations, I use an old Swiffer sweeper handle to do mine. Open up those shoulders before I write “fragile” on you then put you up in the attic.

posture(Perhaps he’s leaning forward because he’s afraid his twin brother behind him is going to hit him with a golf club? I don’t know what this has to do with anything. I just like their barbershop quartet hats)

What are some imperfections you like about people of the opposite sex?

This has nothing to do with paying a woman for her services. Instead I am curious if I could get some advice, most specifically from women out there on what I should do. I need some tips on how to court a girl I met.

First of all, this girl is my dream girl. She is everything I would ever want. She’s cute, she’s funny, and holds down a job that doesn’t pay too well. I don’t want to be with some doctor or lawyer. What do I have to offer them? Career women disgust me. I hate young professionals. Doctors are always pulling plugs on the elderly and lawyers are busy defending them even when they know the doctors are guilty. I’m just too nice for them. Oh and there’s that whole money thing. They’ll be making more money than I ever will. That would probably be a problem.

oprah-and-stedman(I don’t want to be Stedman)

I met this girl one night at a restaurant/bar. I was with two friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. At first she didn’t seem to pay much attention to me. She was our waitress and was just doing her job interacting with us. As the night went on though we found out we had a bit too much in common. I would rather not get into what those things were for more private reasons. And when I say private, it doesn’t mean we had matching genitals.

We began talking in a little less formal way. She looked at me the way girls look at guys they adore. Her eyes told me she cared about everything I had to say. Her lips told me she would like to make contact. Her hairline told me I should probably meet her mother to make sure she wouldn’t be bald by the time she hit 40. It gave me butterflies and to the point I felt I had to take a shit.

At one point I made her laugh really hard with a gruesome joke. I can’t even remember what it was, something about someone getting hurt. She touched my arm briefly and everything paused. We locked eyes then looked away. Then we looked back again and we were look two cynics staring at a car crash, unable to look away for too long. Magic was happening.

I have never actually asked a waitress or bartender for her phone number or anything like that. It always seemed like a drunken asshole’s move. This girl though was different because I could tell the feeling was mutual.

bombay040502(This is the most mutual quote in existence. Why focus on the negativity though? The quote should be something like “A hug for a huge will make the whole world smile”)

I was ready to put myself out there, risk an awkward rest of the evening if I was wrong, and ask my dream girl if she would be interested in hanging out sometime. Of course though, things didn’t go as I hoped they would have gone. She was my dream girl so I woke up as I was about to get her information. Yes, this was just a stupid dream I had. But still, that doesn’t mean I don’t need your help.

How do I get my dream girl back? I woke up just as I manned up and she was gone. In the dream I really had to pee so I took that as I had to pee in real life. I did have to pee in real life so I did, but by that time I couldn’t recapture the dream again. I’m afraid she could be gone forever. Any ideas would be very helpful. I don’t want this poor girl from my subconscious to think I ditched her for reality.

progressive-flo(I heard something about how Flo makes a couple million dollars a year from her Progressive commercials alone. Reality blows)

I talk a lot about chicks on this blog because I’m a guy. I think chicks, I bleed football, and I brush my teeth with beer. My taste in women is as varied as my taste in rocking chairs. Sometimes there are traditionally hot women I’ll like and other times they are more average. I also judge so much in my attraction in the personality or what I assume their personality is like. Sometimes there are women who I’m really attracted to and I can’t figure out why.

Judy Greer:

judy-greer-picture-40

I’m not sure what it is about Judy Greer I like so much. She’s so not my type. I mean, for one she’s much older and has a similar face to Phoebe from Friends. Her face comes to a weird triangular point. I think what I like about Ms. Greer (unless she’s married to former Texas Rangers outfielder Rusty Greer) is her sense of humor. In both Arrested Development and her cartoon character in Archer, she plays crazy and sexual women. I think what this means is that Judy Greer is a little nutty, but not to the point where she’s exactly like these character. I don’t know what it is. I still want to have Judy Greer’s babies.

Lake Bell:

lake-bell-sexy-4

When I first started watching Children’s Hospital I always thought Lake Bell was weird looking. Then I saw her in something other than hospital scrubs and I realized why she could be considered hot. Wow. Look at that chest. She must have back problems. I don’t want to say her face always looked a little too “Jewish” for me because that sounds racist and I actually do like Jewish girls. I’m pretty sure a lot of this has to do with her boobs and the fact I know she has a good sense of humor. I know this because I’ve listened to her phone calls.

Uma Thurman:

Uma-Thurman

Uma Thurman and I could never date. She’s much richer than me and I think she’s taller. She’d probably feel like I couldn’t protect her, especially since she probably can somewhat fight from being in Kill Bill. I couldn’t even say Uma Thurman is so much pretty as much as it is I like her insanity. She’s hung out with Quentin Tarantino so much it’s messed with her head. She seems like the kind of woman I could have a nice serious conversation with. Of course, the best part of this conversation would be when we both shut the fuck up and enjoy the uncomfortable silence.

Of Monsters and Men Girl:

nanna bryndis

I don’t care to learn her name. Why should I? It’s not like my alphabet probably uses her letters. She’s from Iceland and they put random circles at the top of A’s. She’s definitely cute and not a pig by any standards. It’s her hair that bugs me I guess. She goes with that shaving one half of her head and letting the rest flop over look. I’m sure this has a trendy name and I don’t care to learn that either.

Anne Hathaway (Sometimes):

anne_hathaway_3

I only like Anne Hathaway sometimes. You know, like in Princess Diaries. I’m kidding. I’m sure she was 18 in those movies anyway so it takes away from the joke. I hate when Anne Hathaway has this short hair thing going. What’s up with that? She looks like a little boy. Please Anne, grow your hair out. People only tell you that you look cute with that haircut because saying the word “cute” helps suck vomit back down.

Kirsten Dunst:

kirsten dunst

She actually somehow has a reputation for being ugly. Really? I always thought she was kind of cute. From the moment I saw her in Bring it On (you know, the previews, not the actual movie…) until I finally got to see her nude in Melancholia, I’ve always thought Kirsten Dunst was a pretty lady. She was also the best Mary Jane out there. Remember the wet t-shirt? Of course you don’t. You’re too busy watching Robert Downey Jr. in an iron suit you bad-taste-in-movies-haver.

Pink:

pink-singer

Pink scares the shit out of me. Despite this fact, I’ve always enjoyed staring at her. She’s lucky we don’t live in the same town because if I saw her walking I’d probably keep staring. Obviously she’d like the attention. Why else would she dye her hair pink? To match her name? I don’t think that’s even her real name. I read somewhere her real name is David Hummerflitz.

Lady Gaga (Once in a Fleeting Glimpse):

dog-wearing-lipstick

It was very fleeting and she had on a lot of makeup, it was black and white, and I didn’t have to hear her voice. Please, continue pretending to respect me.

Jackie that works at Wawa:

JACKIE KENNEDY

There was this girl named Jackie that worked at a Wawa I used to go to. I saw her like four times and thought she was so hot. I finally had the courage to talk to her and she told me that “No, nobody ever has died here. At least not while I was working.” Then one day I saw her and she didn’t look quite as pretty. I found her on Facebook and she looked even worse. She looked like an uglier Miranda Cosgrove. I think what I liked most about Jackie was her pants. Don’t even ask me to get into what I mean by this. You had to be there to appreciate it.

Are there any people who you are attracted to and you’re not really sure why?

I don’t normally blog twice a day anymore, but I had a point I really wanted to make right away.

There are things like this all over Twitter. Here’s the basic idea-
“Tim Tebow has been criticized for his allegiance to God and Christianity, while Jason Collins is praised for coming out as being gay.” Lots of people are confused about this.

Here’s the difference:

When Tim Tebow is on the field, he brings God into. He squats down, prays, and he points up to the sky after each touchdown. In every interview he brings up his religion. If every time Jason Collins scored a basket* or made a rebound he fell to his knees and mimed having sex with a man then it would be the same thing. I doubt at any point during an interview Jason Collins will thank the biker from The Village People then begin singing “Macho Man.” If he does, it is the same thing. Tebow is mocked because he brings it upon himself. He overexposes his lifestyle that has nothing to do with sports. When you do ANYTHING on the field it is open to criticism. Tebow is not mocked for being a Christian. Tebow is mocked for being a showboating over-hyped fullback who somehow tricked us into thinking he was a quarterback.

Caring one bit about what any player does in their personal life is silly because most athletes are jerks. Ray Lewis helped cover up a murder, Michael Vick killed dogs (and only served time for conspiracy, not actual killing), Dany Heatley was given 3 years PROBATION for vehicular homicide when he KILLED a teammate, Mike Tyson was convicted of raping a woman and he gets paid money to make cameos in movies, and of course many more.

If a porn addict spends all of his free time looking at porn a lot of us might think he’s weird, the same way it’s okay for us to think a Christian or a homosexual is weird. But when the porn addict brings that part of his life to his job then he is open to criticism and punishment by his employer which in the case of sports is management and the fans. People have every right to think Jason Collins’s lifestyle is wrong the same way I have every right to think people who waste their lives judging other people for stupid reasons is wrong. Chances are there have been many other professional athletes who were gay over the years. I’m not sure why it matters at all. Once the initial shock wears off then I think people will settle down.

This is a battle between “Christians” and “homosexuals.” I put them in quotes because I hate whenever anyone labels themselves as anything more than who they are above anything else. Why would anyone care what a basketball player they had never heard of until yesterday does with his life? I’d go further, but that’s not the point. The point is there is a difference between Tim Tebow and Jason Collins.

Jason-Collins-is-gay.-Image-via-@SInow

 

*If Jason Collins actually does make a basket (and I don’t mean like crocheting a wicker one since he’s gay and that’s all he’ll do now) I think he has the right to do whatever he wants. He hasn’t averaged more than 3 points per game since the 2005-2006 season. Simply put, he’s no threat to anybody.

I am in need of some simple help. I am contributing to a new website, a website so new it doesn’t even exist quite yet. Part of the site is submission based/audience participation/whatever you want to call it. The woman in charge is putting a lot of effort into it, like actually buying the domain, so I have a lot of faith that it will at least be worthwhile in some form. So I come to you guys for help on this. What we need are submissions for the following:

Title – Dating
What We’re Looking For – Your craziest dating experience

This is pretty self-explanatory and I know we all have some great ones.

Title – Double Dare
What We’re Looking For – We want you to double dare us to do anything – something you’d like to see!

Does this one not make sense to you? This one is pretty clear as well. Why did I feel like I needed to explain?

Title – StoryTime

What We’re Looking For – We are collecting stories about a time you were overly confident about something that didn’t go exactly as planned

For instance, how we all created our blogs thinking we would be rich and famous by now and none of us are. We want better than that though.

dewey defeats truman

Title – Love & Sex

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – ask us ANYTHING – but ONLY if you are ready for brutally honest answers

This is kind of like the Dr. Ruth section. Remember when I did that post Pathetic Text Messages? Something like the question the fat idiot in that asked would be acceptable or maybe you can be smarter.

Title – Eavesdropping

What We’re Looking For – We want to hear about crazy or fascinating things you’ve overheard on the streets, in a restaurant, etc.

This is pretty easy, no? Who isn’t hearing people say stupid shit all the time? Come on I know you have some good ones!

Title – Deep Thoughts

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – blow our minds… in a few sentences or less.

I guess an amazing fact would work here? I’m not sure. Answering this question would blow my mind.

So if you can help out you can either answer in the comments or send me an email if it’s long or more private at timboyle109@yahoo.com or Facebook me if we gossip there sometimes.

There are no limits to what you answer, how much you answer, and you can put as many into one category as you want. If the site is successful I will definitely come up with some ideas where if you are interested that you can contribute your own written pieces to.

That’s all. Thanks and hopefully a few people can contribute before I have to solicit you.

It’s hard for me to say exactly what it is I find sexiest about a woman. It can vary from person to person. Physically I would say legs are my favorite. Oddly legs are also my favorite part of the chicken, mostly because drumsticks are fun to eat. I used to have this problem where whenever I would think about a woman with sexy legs I would sneeze. This problem was half my lifetime ago so feel free to send me pictures of your legs. I think I like legs on a woman because it’s not overly sexual but it can be if she uses them properly. There’s also the mystery about what’s at the top of the legs. Trust me, it’s not always what you expect. I could go on forever about the amazing things women can do to turn me on which would probably turn into some vampire erotica so I won’t. The topic today instead will cover things women should avoid doing in order to win my heart, my body, and my wallet. From what I have learned so far in life women care about those things in reverse order.

1) Smoking – Any kind of smoking a woman does is a huge turn-off for me and for many reasons. The first is smoking costs a lot of money. Cigarettes, pot, and crack are expensive. Not to mention you need to buy a lighter and a few other accessories. Women ask for money a lot too and if I say something like “Maybe you should quit smoking” I end up having to sleep on the couch in my apartment while she lies in my bed. I have never seen a woman with a cigarette in her mouth and thought about kissing her. Don’t they make your teeth yellow too? I hate the excuse that smoking helps you relax too. If you need to give yourself cancer in order to relax you already are a drama queen.

jaime-pressly-abs-smoking

(At least put on some pants before you decide to die younger than intended)

2) Never Smile – Girls should smile non-stop. If I was president I would have women slaughtered if they weren’t smiling. I hate when a girl, no matter how much she hates me, no matter how much I creep her out, refuses to smile at me. Be nice, say hello, and act as if I’m retarded if you must but flash me a gorgeous smile or else I’ll assume you’re a cold bitch.

stern face

(Smile you’ve got a cool hat on. And by cool I mean ugly)

3) Doesn’t Take Care of Herself – No, I’m not saying girls who don’t masturbate turn me off although I will tell them they’re missing out on some fun alone time activities. I mean more about girls who don’t at least try to look presentable. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact I don’t want a girl to be perfect. I want a girl who’s a little too thick in some places but you can tell she works hard at being the best she can. Ideally men want girls with some meat on them so stop blaming us and the media for saying “thin is in” because most guys like big breasts, a thick ass, and thunder thighs. Make sure though that your thighs don’t extend below the knee or under your arms.

1_gymEmpty

(Use it)

4) Bad Grammar – Whether it’s speaking or writing, if a girl spells more than the average word wrong I cannot deal with her. Girls have to understand there’s this thing called spell check and it should be used when unsure. I also want to go asexual every time I see a “GuRl TyPe LyKe ThIs.” Although it’s a consistent pattern, it’s not cute. It reminds me of Captcha and I have never gotten a Captcha correct on the first try.

grammar_fail

(I understand why parents send their children to private school now)

5) Drinking – I don’t mind if a girl drinks. What I do mind is a girl always drinking around me. Am I that boring where you need to invite your ex-boyfriend Jack Daniels over? I think I could only ever tolerate being around a drunk girl on Friday or a Saturday night, possibly one weeknight too but on rare occasions. Drunk girls not lying on their backs naked in a bed are the most annoying things on the planet. This comes from a guy who currently has a cricket stuck in his ear.

jack-daniels

(If you’re a female and this picture makes you drool with excitement then I’m afraid I’ll be eating cheesecake alone tonight)

6) Troublemaker – There are certain ways to spot a girl who is a troublemaker. Troublemaking girls have these qualities: tattoos, piercings, enjoy the Fast & Furious films, can convince you their addictions are not addictions, colorful hair, many male friends, know where to buy fireworks, have pushed me out-of-the-way to buy cigarettes. They don’t need all these qualities of course to be a troublemaker. I warn you however, when several are present she’s probably a bad seed.

female-tattoos-14

(So tell me, which relative are you trying to get back at?)

7) Overly Dependent / Not Dependent Enough – I’m a guy so I like when a girl dependents on me for survival. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had to kill animals with my bare hands to feed a hungry girl. Still, I don’t like that dependence to get to an insane level. The happy medium should be an independent woman who can take care of herself, but at times needs help. All things in moderation. Didn’t Julius Caesar say that? I think he tried saying it again while he was getting stabbed. A moderate amount of knife wounds and he may have survived.

wheelchair

(Perfection! Probably doesn’t smoke, an adorable smile, thin, has a good job so she knows good grammar most likely, hasn’t had a drink since she drove through that house, no visible scary tattoos, and will need me to do a few things but since she is an independent career woman I won’t have to do everything for her because of a little thing called pride)

What are your turn-offs when it comes to members of the gender you’re attracted to? Don’t say “Not being you Mr. Tim” because I already know how I make you all melt.

Two people have told me in my lifetime that I give off a strong sexual vibe. One person was drunk and the other I’m making up. I guess you could say though if someone gives off good enough sexual vibes then people wouldn’t be going up and telling them. To give off truly good vibes the people will become hypnotized. They will not even realize they are under your spell. So for argument’s sake, I am awesome at giving off sexual vibes. Today, I teach you on how to follow in my footsteps.

1) Straddling

I am always straddling things. By straddling I mean placing my feet on opposite sides of an item. These items include and are not limited to library catalogue drawers, dog poo, dead friends, a defeated enemy, or spilt food. Straddling something sends off the sexual vibe that you’re dominant and in charge. Try straddling on whatever you can for a day. If you do it right then girls will be so intimidated by your straddling that they will call you “the weird guy who humps everything.” You know you’ve made it into a girl’s heart once she has a nickname for you.

(A perfect straddling example. Legs are open, feet are firmly placed down, and the item she’s sitting on is phallic shaped. Too bad the cannon isn’t white)

2) Leg Flexibility

There was a part in the new Batman movie where Anne Hathaway gets off her motorcycle thing. Instead of clumsily rolling off like unsexy people would do, she carefully stretches her leg over top the front and brings her feet together. In olden days hip flexibility was seen as a sign you might be divine. Jesus did ass-to-grass squats every day of his life he has such great mobility. It doesn’t matter which way you bend your legs, as long as you’re twisting them around people will take notice. They’ll want to be strangled with your legs if you do this properly.

(A girl told me when Princess Diaries was popular that she liked Anne Hathaway because she would never be naked in a movie. I want to tell her to rent Love & Other Drugs. It made me a fan of hers)

3) Use Your Legs Like Arms

Similar to the above yet somewhat differently, the legs are very important to sending out sexual vibes. The legs are the largest sex organ we have. Of course someone reading this probably has abnormally large ears and is missing their legs so that person may skip over the sentence you just read. I use my legs to do a lot of things my hands could do. I open doors, close doors, move heavy objects, and punch with my legs. Some may argue punching with your legs is called a kick. I disagree. Kicking is what you do in sports. There are no sports involving punching.

(It’s not a punch, it’s a fist kick)

4) Play With Your Hair

You can use your hands or if your hair is long enough simply throw it back like you have a spider crawling along your scalp. Both men and women enjoy seeing members of the opposite sex touch their hair. I never got girls who were into men with shaved heads. Can’t they just date a newborn baby? At least a newborn baby won’t play video games all day long. I’m sure they would but they haven’t developed the motor skills yet. I always know a girl is feeling my vibes when she begins playing with her hair. Sometimes she begins to chew it and that’s when I know to back off.

(She’s clearly way too young to be playing with her hair. Wait a few more years sweetheart. Don’t pretend you’re Abe Lincoln when you do it)

5) Point With Your Crotch

The other day a man asked me for directions to the children’s hospital as his son sat in the backseat bleeding out the ears. Instead of pointing which way to go like a cold fish, I thrusted my hips westward. I pointed with my crotch. This is very simple logic. Go to the mall and point at someone ugly. Suddenly everyone in the mall will see you pointing. Their focus will go onto what you’re pointing at and what is doing the pointing. If you point with your crotch then your crotch begins to get some attention. Men should always walk with their hips forward. This is something I have read from pick-up artists. I think it has something to do with how you will probably bump into a lot of people and if you’re going to bump into them you mine as well grind against them when you do. The next time someone asks you where the fire is, be sure to point with your crotch. You might get a cute fireman’s phone number out of it.

(The Pope points with his finger and I point with my crotch. Who do you think gets more chicks? Whose advice are you going to take? His? You’re just feeling guilty today is all)

What are some other things we can do to send off a sexual vibe? Don’t say rape. That’s behaving too forward.

Why do men leave the house? To pick up as many chicks as they can. We’re very simple creatures. I fancy myself an expert at picking up chicks. One time a Mermaid fell so deeply in love with me she began to crawl along the beach just to touch my face. She ended up drying up and dying only a few feet away. In a way I charmed a fish out of the fish bowl. I love that phrase. You’re so charming that an animal without many emotions will kill itself to be near you. I wish I could one day be so charming people kill themselves over it.

The problem with picking up chicks is a lot of guys do it so unnaturally. They come up with corny pickup lines like “Are you an astronaut? Because you look like Neil Armstrong” or “Did it hurt?” which elicits the response “Did what hurt?” and then the guy follows up with twisting her nipples and tells her he’s a psychic who saw it coming. Girls like guys who can see into the future. Nostradamus was a major pimp. What Nostradamus did correctly though was he got an actual job where he could be himself and the chicks would follow. That’s what today’s post is about. Jobs for guys to take in order to meet the girl they’ve been waiting for their entire lives/evenings.

(Seriously, tell me this guy couldn’t be a pimp. All he needs is a feather in his cap)

1) Bartender

This one is very obvious. Drunk girls will sleep with anyone. I saw a drunk girl the other night having sex with a tree. I guess the tree was tall, dark, and handsome. Some of the bark on its base looked like George Clooney’s face. I think at every point in his life every guy has thought about becoming a bartender. Women have to talk to you in order to forget what shitty adults they have become. Without you they cannot get their booze. The only thing stopping me from becoming a bartender is all the drinks I would have to memorize and I cannot smile at ugly people. Have you been to a bar lately? It’s an ugly person’s lair.

2) Animal Shelter

Chicks love animals. Would you believe some girls love animals so much they never eat them? I know, bonkers. Even if you have a penis and you don’t eat animals I consider you a chick. Tofu should be the name of an African dictator, not something we eat. I know if I ever get desperate enough where I would need to meet women I can always volunteer at an animal shelter. It’s perfect. Animals love me, girls will see how good I am with the animals, and then we do something filthy near a malnourished cat on its death-bed.

(Sorry little kitty, I’ll get you your medicine as soon as this chick finishes taking hers, if you know what I’m sayin’)

3) Musician

Anyone who knows how to play the guitar and doesn’t get laid 60 times a day is an idiot. Girls love any guy who can play the guitar. Do you know why? Because she doesn’t have to interact with him. She can sit there, nod, and smile pretending she enjoys his dark poetic pain. For me, someone without any musical talent, I tell girls I’m the lead singer in the band. They tell me to belt out some lyrics and I remind them I have to save my voice for the big show. They nod and smile because girls who obsess over musicians are idiots too.

4) Gay Rights Supporter

You’ll probably need a real job like doctor or guy who steps in front of traffic in order to pull this one off. Hanging out around gay people will surely help you meet some single ladies. Any girl who is obsessive with gay rights is either a lesbian herself or is trying to make up for the fact how much men find them repulsive. This gives you a great opportunity to sweep in and steal these feminists off their do-gooding feet. Not only will these girls think you’re tolerant to others, you’ll also have very little competition. A straight guy hanging out in a gay is a lock to go home with a girl or at least have a chubby one nag him all night about American equality.

5) Anything Famous

Become famous and girls will bend themselves into whatever position you demand them to get into. I understand it. I would love to bang someone famous. I could see Yahoo articles about them and think about how we shared those amazing 40 seconds pressed against the sink together until I let out my fart ruining the mood. Athletes, movie stars, and even high-profile murderers have women flocking to them at all hours of the day. I’m almost tempted to go on a killing spree just to see how many women propose to me. I can barely throw a spiral and my acting leaves much to be desired. If I ever want to become famous it will have to involve bloodshed. Or I could do something really good for a lot of people. Sounds hard.

(Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s killer. Ringo’s still alive isn’t he? Hmm I think I have an idea to get some chicks)

Let me know if you know of anything else. As for girls on picking up guys, sit outside for five minutes in a place with high foot traffic. If nobody even looks your way start searching for a child murderer to marry. It’s the best you may ever get.

In other words, these are not jobs appearing here.