Posts Tagged ‘slavery’

Apologies

Posted: January 28, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I would like to take today to apologize for a few things. Nothing that I’ve done. Shit. I’m perfect. I have not a thing to apologize for to anyone. That’s a sign of weakness apologizing. That’s what tough guys that nobody likes say.

The apologies I would like to make are for men in general. I want to be honest for a moment because everything else I have ever said in my entire life has been a lie. Men are jerks. We are. Sorry. That’s how Zeus made us. Not our faults. Still, that doesn’t mean that we can’t apologize for being created so half-assed. I know there are women out there who say stuff like “God created man first because you always start with a rough draft” or something similar to that. I fucked up the quote, I think. But you get the point. Women who use that quote usually get punched in the face by the rough drafts they’re dating. It’s a silly argument to make. Why would God even need two attempts? It’s the same argument that you make with children. The second child can say to the older child “mommy and daddy wanted another baby because they did it wrong the first time.” I don’t think that to be true. A much better thing to say would be “mommy and daddy loved me so much that they decided to try to make perfection again, but they fucked up so badly that they didn’t try anything else after that.” I’m a middle child. I have an older and a younger sister. I like to say that they fucked up the first time and wanted to get it right the second time, they got it right and went to try for perfection again, but they fucked it up again and figured why try creating such beauty (me) again. That’s my logic for remaining existing.

(You really believe that this is completed?)

Onto my apologies for men. The first thing to apologize for are dick pictures. I’m sorry. Every girl has received a picture of a male genitalia at some point. It’s one thing if it’s solicited or asked for, but when it comes out of the blue then there is no reason for it at all. Girls do not get turned on by random pictures of the Loch Ness Monsters of private parts. It’s weird, strange, and reveals what a social outcast you are. Women want to be wowed. Showing a picture of your dick via text message makes your dick less like the Holy Grail and more like a bag of Peanut Chews. Very few people have seen the Holy Grail and for those who have, it’s an amazing experience. Many more have seen bags of Peanut Chews. They’re kind of everywhere. Pictures of your dick also have the same reaction as does the opening of the Lost Ark of the Covenant. See the first Indiana Jones movie as a reference.

My second apology is for cars in general. The inventor of the car, Henry Ford, was a man. Cars kill lots of people. They’re almost as deadly as asbestos. Asbestos is weird. It’s one of those things I know exists, but have no idea what it is. That’s what you get for watching The Price is Right. All you hear about are dog balls and mesothelioma. Men and cars are a deadly mix. I’m not a fan of men who love their cars. Those men rarely love others or even themselves. They need a large piece of metal to get hard. I am the complete opposite of a car fag. I’m not even quite sure how to pop the hood of my car. My car makes a loud sound not because of a muffler, but because it’s 10 years old and has 150,000 miles on it. I think there might also be a squirrel stuck underneath of it screaming for help. Or maybe it’s a Mexican. They kind of sound the same to me. It’s gibberish. So sorry for cars. And sorry if you’re Mexican. Don’t blame me for that. That’s between you and your maker.

Frat boys suck. That’s why I’m apologizing for them. They used to be white jerk-offs who play football and now they’re white jerk-offs who play football and wear their hats sideways. I wore a hat sideways once. It was because I had it on backwards and was punched for doing so. I was punched so hard the hat spun 90 degrees. The person doing the punching, myself. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a frat boy. What could I say to a man who likes to give other men piggy back rides? Giddy-up? And take note, when I say frat boys, I mean every male under 30 who owns a shirt that says “Tap-Out” or has ever gone out in public in a plain white t-shirt. Why would a company call itself Tap-Out? That’s what you do when you lose. Oddly enough, anyone who wears those shirts has already lost at life.

(A loser from two different angles)

When guys get together they think they’re on the radio. That’s why I want to say I’m sorry for laughing at everything our friends say. Really, the intentions are good. We’re trying to let our shitty friends think they’re funny. We also want them to give us the same courtesy. All guys do is laugh at each other. They name a sexual act then laugh.  We’re full of testosterone. You ladies have it easy. You have something called estrogen. That sounds like a Gatorade ingredient. Testosterone is such a strong word itself. Test is in the name. Nobody likes tests. The only way to get testosterone out is to break something or laugh at a friend quoting Family Guy. I’m aware how annoying this can be, but like Mexicans, I did not choose to be a man. Sorry if this gets on your nerves. But even you have to admit it’s better than us slapping you every time you speak, which is what we all want to do.

(Chris Brown isn’t abusive, he’s honest. Like how he’s a gigantic Colorado Rockies fan…doubt it)

Finally, I want to apologize for being so incredibly dominant in the history of the world. Women still in most parts of the world do not have equal rights. You First World Women have no idea how great you have it. There are parts on this planet that you’re not even allowed to have a clitoris. I know! They cut it off like it’s a price tag and they don’t want the person they’re giving you to knowing how cheap you are. Can’t they just put some black Sharpie over top of it to cover the price? Even in America women have only been able to vote for under 100 years. It took a couple of mean and angry lesbians to get you the vote. Even black guys had the vote before you. A race of people who were taken from their homes on another continent, chained and forced to work in fields, then killed when they grew too old and weak. Men have more respect for each other than they do for you. I’m deeply sorry for that. You women are wonderful. We need to show more respect for the ladies. They provide us with babies and new episodes of Whitney.

Since I was the bigger man and apologized for things on behalf of billions of people, I think it’s women’s turn to apologize. What do you need to apologize for exactly? The first should be your stories. I mean, really? You thought that would be interesting? Another thing is making eye contact and then not having sex with us. Talk about mixed signals! Girls need to say they’re sorry for being so manipulative, pretending to be weak, and for having no souls. You don’t have to apologize for always being late. I find it cute when I tell you to meet me somewhere at 8 and you show up at 9:15 with a lame excuse.

There are some jobs out there that when I see a girl in the uniform I go nuts. So nuts that I grab them then am asked to leave before the police are called.

1) Wawa Girls

Wawa is the 711 competitor in the northeast for those of you not familiar. It’s a lot better than 711. It has a deli with cute girls in hats with pony tails sticking out behind them. Adorable! I love girls that work at Wawa. I want to get a job there just so I can meet the girl I am going to marry.

The uniforms are black which I love on girls. I love that color on me too. I want to get one giant black shirt and have me and a couple of Wawa Girls get inside it and cuddle. They’ll make me a sandwich and smile at me and tell me to have a nice day. I’ll try to look at their name tag just on the off-chance that it’s something unique and I can find them on Facebook. There can’t be too many girls named Chelsea out there, right?

2) Police Women

If I’m driving and I notice that the cop with the radar gun is a female, not only do I speed, I open up a beer can and throw it out the window while changing lines without my turn signal. It’s my pickup line for the female cop. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’m still trying.

There are few dominant positions that women can have that I enjoy, a cop being one of them. It’s something about the uniform and the way it shapes their body. It’s almost as if they were drawn out of a comic book, perfectly proportioned. I don’t like being bound, but if it was a female cop’s handcuffs, I would do it even if I had to get dragged to the county line. I would do anything for a female cop. Except maybe obey the law, but that’s only so she’ll punish me.

3) Writing Ladies

I like a lady that considers herself a writer. It’s sexy. Even if she’s awful at it, the fact that she wants to be a big bad writer gets me all worked up. I just want to pinch their cute little cheeks as they try to be poetic.

The problem with female writers is that there is no look to them. Maybe if anything that proves how I am not shallow. Even if the girl is a big fat mess and is a writer I’ll at least talk to her and not make fun of her until later. I probably won’t date her or bother reading anything she’s written due to chocolate stains and her potentially excessive mention of ice cream, but I will respect her.

4) Bartending Lasses

Hot bartenders are the greatest. I have always wanted to do something filthy with a bartender. They’re the hardest girls to tame. The lion of the working class women.

One girl told me that she was a bartender, but then later told me that she was a waitress. I like waitresses who serve alcohol, but that’s like fucking a worker ant when the queen is right there. I want the top dog. I love the sass and the confidence of a female bartender. The way she can cheer me up and take getting her ass pinched. I also know they always date real men. UFC fighters and musical choreographers. Someday I’ll get a bartender to spit on me in a fun part of the body, I swear to it.

5) Barista Chicks

I don’t drink coffee and I really should because of my love for baristas. I really want to kiss one. Even if she has awful coffee breath, I want to kiss every cute barista that I ever come in contact with.

Baristas always seem so sweet and bubbly. It’s probably from all of the coffee that they drink and gets into their pores. I love bubbly girls. It’s like having a sexy puppy that I can do naughty things with. But not in a sick way. Baristas are usually dumb girls who think they are a lot smarter than they really are. They should be cheerleaders, but they’d rather pretend to be nerds. I love girls who work at Starbucks. I need to go there more often just for the eye candy behind the counter.

Looking back at it, I am attracted to women who serve me. That could explain my love for Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, and Spartacus.