Posts Tagged ‘spanish’


Posted: September 22, 2013 in Uncategorized
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A vlog is a video blog. So basically it’s a short movie nobody cares about. The only successful ones are the ones featuring an attractive girl who looks underage. I am not this. Instead of trying hard to make an interesting video, I have made this about a boring life event that happened to me recently. It was a lazy thing to do and I have felt very lazy lately.

Before human beings grew mouths they had to communicate only through body language. When you saw a woman you liked you had to grab your groin. If you were upset with a child you would throw a large rock or saber tooth tiger tooth at them. I guess that one isn’t body language. It’s more a violent act against an innocent child living in caveman days. Either way, I am here today to discuss body language. How to communicate through not using words. Guidance counselors may say it’s important to use your words, but what do they know? Someone guided them into working around 8 year olds for 40 years of their life. Nothing they say can be taken in full seriousness.

(“No really, I love my job guiding snotty teen girls like you through life. Prostitution is a very lucrative career Megan. I wish I had done it.”

I have been told I have great body language. Not by too many people. More people tell me I’m weird or should get out of their way and take a shower. One time a gay man told me I had great body language. Such great body language he wanted to take me back to his place and smoke pot with me. I was lonely. I gave him my phone number. He never called. That son of a bitch! I had no intentions on ever hanging out with him. I say “no” to drugs and “no way” to hanging out with strange gay men in their apartments alone. He was Spanish and wore a purple hoodie. Later that day a girl was flirting with me. I told her about my earlier adventure with the gay guy. She was weirded out so that went nowhere. I got out of her way and took my shower.

What makes my body language so good? I pace a lot. Really. My new hobby is standing. I’m typing this while I stand. Who the fuck writes standing up? Do you know what’s even stranger? I can’t write fiction while standing. I can only write opinions and autobiographical pieces. I’m not sure if I’ve always been a pacer. Whenever I have had to stand I would do the pacing. I get back pains if I stand around too long not moving. I could never be one of those British guards. All that standing still without moving a muscle? Plus I look terrible in red and black Marge Simpson hair.

The two biggest things you can do to have better body language is use facial expressions and talk with your hands. I love animated faces. There’s something sexy about giant bug eyes. Everyone likes them. I think this is why Zooey Deschanel is so popular. She looks like a Boardwalk Caricature. She is a Looney Tunes character who held a bomb a little too long. Talking with hands can help emphasize a statement. If you say “I’m going to kill you” with hands in your pockets it is much less threatening than if you point wildly at the bucket of acid in your hand. Rarely will I talk with my hands. Unless a woman is far across the room and I’m trying to signal to her how large a part of my body happens to be. It’s not gross. It’s flirting in an uncomfortable manner.

(If you told me the one on the right was Zooey Deschanel with a tan, I might believe it)

What a person does with their eyes is very telling. I know from an episode of Prison Break if they look up and two the left it means a person is lying. I’ve caught people doing this before. And I’m not afraid to call them out on it. Almost always has it been a lie. One time it was because they had a lazy eye that seemed to drift. The other time it was because I was too ugly to stare at. At least that’s what my prom date told me on my birthday.

(I’m kidding! My birthday is in October. Nowhere near prom season. And I didn’t even have a prom date. There you were thinking bad things happens to me)

Cartoon aardvark Arthur touches his glasses when he’s lying or nervous. When I’m lying I’m usually giving a woman a back rub because she thinks I’m gay and not enjoying it. When I’m nervous or uncomfortable I scratch my face. I’ve been noticing I do this less now. I’ll scratch my neck too. Some days my anxiety is so bad I end up with a lot of dead skin on my shirt from all the scratching. Dead skin on your shirt never flatters anyone. They never ask for a piece. No matter how delicious those pieces of skin look, they never want a taste.

What body language things do you do? What are some things you have noticed other people do consistently? Please don’t say anything about Italians talking with their hands. That will be covered in my next post.

(Walter White, resident of New Mexico)

Calling someone a New Mexican is the most offensive term that I can think you could call a person. There are already Mexicans, why do we need New Mexicans? Are Mexicans obsolete?

In the United States, there are lots of “New” places. New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire, New England; as well as countless other tinier, shittier, places in these states and areas that begin with the word New. There was never anything wrong with the old York, the old Jersey, the old Hampshire (except for the prostitutes being overweight), or the old England. The people who named these places lacked originality, but they could either name the place after an old favorite city of theirs or some complicated Native American name. Chipoqupequa is hard to spell and may not even exist. Taking a city that you’re already familiar with and throwing the word “New” in front of it is much easier. Remember, back in those days everyone had to write letters. Hand write! Benjamin Franklin never browsed the Internet. He was too busy stealing quotes from Yogi Berra. That sneak!

(“A penny saved is a penny earned.” – Yogi Berra, 1784)

The state of New Mexico is different from the rest. It’s newer and we had already come up with more clever names for our states by then, like Ohio and West Virginia. My problem with calling this state New Mexico is that I don’t think the regular-old-plain-smelly country of Mexico is done. Calling a place New York isn’t nearly as insulting. York is a city. Mexico, a country. Calling a place New Mexico is like saying “We can do a better job than you can and we’re only one lousy state, not an entire country. Ha Ha! Nenny-Nenny. Boo Boo!”

New Mexico is much smaller than Mexico. I don’t have the exact number in front of me, I’d have to minimize the pornography on the screen in order to do that. I do believe however that New Mexico does have a lot of Mexicans. I guess it makes them New Mexicans. New and improved. They’re the latest model of the T-Bird. Out with the old, in with the new. It’s like in Terminator when Arnold’s cyborg was no longer the best and that chick came in as the best and most up to date cyborg. Too nerdy or obscure? Okay, how about when Darth Vader rebuilt the Death Star with a much stronger shield? Yeah, that’s as non-nerdy of a comparison I can make.

What’s the solution to this New Mexico problem? Change the name–of Mexico! They’re long due for an overhaul. Many great places change their names. Tokyo used to be Edo. France used to be Gaul. Istanbul used to be Constantinople (thank you They Might Be Giants). Iraq used to be Persia. The People’s Republic of the Congo used to be Congo. See, there are many tremendously amazing places that have gotten a new name and remained successful. It’s not like any of those places ever bombed Pearl Harbor, are hated imperialistic cowards, are in countries named after birds, harbor terrorists, or perform female circumcision against the will of the female, respectively. I don’t know what we could call Mexico. It’s up to their trusting government. They must really like their guys they got in charge. They always win the elections every year. It’s like how Saddam Hussein won the presidency all those times despite it being against the law to serve so many terms. But he was The People’s Champ and the people spoke–with guns to the back of their heads.


The first sign of a redneck is owning a Larry the Cable Guy plush doll. The second, thinking that everyone in the United States of America should speak English. The third, having sex with your sister while denouncing the existence of dinosaurs. Lets stick with number two.

I would love it if everybody spoke English. Things would be so much easier. Bilinguals wouldn’t be all hoity-toity about getting paid $1.50 more an hour to do phone interviews and we could finally all understand what Vietnamese women really think about your gross feet. But things aren’t that way nor should they be. At least, not here.

The United States has no official language. There also is no official religion. Despite that, Miguel Hernandez who follows the Islamic faith for some strange reason despite growing up in a Dominican household, could never be president. He does not speak English and does not believe that Jesus died for our sins. Miguel doesn’t want to be president though. He doesn’t even want to be president of his own lawn mowing business. He’s just fine with having an opportunity to make a living for his family. Miguel probably never should be president. For one, he’s made up. I’m sure there are men named Miguel Hernandez, but I am talking about a fictional man by that name. Just clarifying to get lawyers off my backs. Not that Miguel can afford a lawyer let alone a computer. Maybe he should be an American dick and nag his boss for a raise.

In some countries I do believe that an official language can be enforced. Sometimes with brute force, other times with a kindly reminder. England can have English be the official language. They’re the same word and mean the same thing, pasty and negative. If whoever the dictator of England is wanted to send whoever spoke another language to the gallows, I would have no problem with it. Everybody knows what they were getting into by going there.

The same goes for Spain. If you don’t speak Spanish then you have to fight a bull. But in Mexico you can speak whatever you want. Don’t give me that “Mexican Spanish” crap. It’s the same thing. In Japan you have to speak Japanese and in Canada you don’t have to know a lick of French. It’s all in the name that should matter.

Even in the US I do think that foreigners need to learn some English if they will be interacting with English-speaking clients or “guests” as many businesses say. Whenever I am truly a guest somewhere then it means that I was invited. Open invites don’t count. Nobody ever uses them until they have a drug problem. If you work a job where you have to deal with customers, you should at least know all of the words that will be involved in the job. I was at a Subway restaurant and the man taking the orders didn’t know the different kinds of chicken or bread. He knew well enough to wear a Philadelphia Flyers cap in South Jersey, but not the difference between Wheat Bread or Italian Herbs and Cheese. That’s important to my sandwich experience. He had to learn maybe 10 words total and he even would get images of what they look like. It’s not that hard buster. Shave your mustache and learn 10 words to make my experience better. Quit holding up the line!

I get why people want everyone to assimilate to our culture. The biggest problem is that we have no real culture outside of what the media tells us it is. The United States is just a bunch of dumb people in all shapes, sizes, colors, creeds, religious affiliations, and we all hate people who are different from us. That’s not what America is about. America is about accepting others. The Pilgrims came over here from England to escape religious persecution. Who is more welcoming than fascist religious people in large buckles? You tell me.