Posts Tagged ‘sports’

I haven’t blogged here in nearly forever (a slight exaggeration) and I happen to be drained from writing about baseball at the moment so I figured why not entertain you fine Mohicans still checking in on me here.

I’ve been writing lots, still, but mostly about baseball. I’ve been keeping up with Phalse Philly Sports, however, I’m thinking about ending the blog when I reach 1,000 posts in the next three months. Having the blog mentioned on a sports radio show multiple times seems to be its pinnacle and I think I got everything out of it that I could.

Back in December, I began writing for a baseball site. It was fun for a short while until several circumstances led to even more frustration than my life needed at the time. I’ll go into detail at a later date, but the key thing I took away from it was the importance of slideshows and other clickbait techniques. Because I know the editor I had an issue with is stalking me online now, which is really creepy, I’m going to save the juicy details until after he disappears for good.

A combination of frustrations with my flailing writing “career” and my job which seems to have become a “career” made the last two weeks pretty shitty. Hoping to find something good, I managed to discover sportsblog.com during a Craigslist search.

Immediately I created a blog then decided my idea was too simple and I needed to not focus on one topic, rather, open it up to all baseball related news.

Since creating The Cleat Report back in July, I’ve published almost 900 posts–many being links to other places I’m writing. I thought by now I would be eligible for Adwords, but to even be considered you need to average about 600 views a day. Bloggers know how difficult this can be and if I ever want to make money writing I’m going to have to venture out in more directions.

So my new main focus is writing over at Innings Eaters. It’s unbelievably awesome because I get paid, the site already ranks high in Google, and there are plenty of competitions a boy like me can enter and enjoy. It’s far from a permanent dream writing gig, but it’s one of the best experiences I’ve had writing about baseball so far. It’s also only been a week so like the wrestling card at a WWE event, my opinion is subject to change.

That’s what I’m up to and focused on most. Life is pretty crazy at the moment so it’s nice to have something I can put a lot of energy into and get a lot back from.

Masahiro-Tanaka3

(He’s making an Atheist Face)

As if I’m not already taking up too much of my time chasing an impossible dream, I began writing for a new website. This new task has taken away from working on other projects, but from what I have learned in the last year, writing seriously has a much bigger benefit in the long run than trying to make people laugh does. In fact, making people laugh is pretty much a waste of time. Why put so much effort into something a feather to a foot can?

Anyway, the new site I’m contributing for is called Call to the Pen. For those unfamiliar with baseball, it’s a slang term for–I’m not going to even bother. To view my articles exclusively I will redirect you to my other baseball site I write by myself and the page I have dedicated to this new site. I figure, if you are interested enough to click on one link, you will probably click on a second.

You can find what I have written so far here on this really long string of words that for some reason I thought should all be part of the link.

That’s it. Just wanted to share this little piece of nonsense.

I’m also spending New Year’s with a sexy lady.

Niu Niu Timmy

No, not here. She’s only my number two and three.

Unless you got a really good note from a doctor, you probably had to participate in gym class during your youth. From kindergarten until for some of us university, we had to learn physical education. During my time learning about my body and how useless it was when it came to sports, I realized there were always the same types of kids in my gym class every year.

gym class

(I couldn’t find a good picture of kids in gym class so I used this one of them running away from a classmate with a gun)

The Athlete

My high school had a lot of really talented athletes who went on to do nothing with their abilities because as talented at sports as they were in comparison to me they really weren’t very good compared to the Soviets or anyone else who drinks blood before going for a jog. The Athlete treats gym class as an exhibition. He will dominate you at foursquare and he doesn’t hide in the back of the kickball batting lineup like I always did. This is also the one subject the athlete can shine in. They tend to smile at the girls after scoring a layup and it always does the trick, charming the gym shorts off the females in the class.

The Girl

I thought girls were smart. Gym class proved to me that I was mistaken. So many girls would do whatever they could to get out of participating in gym class. Looking back I’m sure a lot of it had to do with their teenage body insecurities, but at the same time it’s not like I came from a generation that made us shower after class. I saw too many honor roll quality females get a C in gym class for simply not making an attempt at hitting a volleyball. Some girls who were otherwise social turned into shelled up antisocial outcasts during gym. They basically turned into me and that’s just sad.

The Red Faced Fat Kid

This was the category I often fell into. I was pretty competitive at sports before I didn’t have constant hip pain like I do now. When you are overweight and give it your all in sports this disgusting thing happens to your face where it turns red. Being of Irish descent, meaning I have the complexion of an unused Aryan toilet seat, my red face was a big change from my usual pale rash skin. I spent way too much time in gym class trying to win then heading off to math class smelling terrible and I would like to apologize to everyone who had to smell my pits whenever I raised my hand.

The Troublemaker

I have no medical license so I cannot completely diagnose these students who I saw as the gym class troublemakers. If I had to guess though they would probably have some form of severe ADD or demonic possession. Every year in gym class there was at least one kid who spent the entire period making monkey sounds while climbing on things he wasn’t supposed to. Other kids would shoot basketballs, purposefully missing and trying to hit other students in the head. I know this because sometimes I would do that. Given the choice between being known as the sweaty fat kid with the red face and the jerk, I will take being the jerk for eternity.

The Wannabe Athlete

These kids tended to hang around the real athletes only to realize they weren’t nearly as talented. Most of the time they were on the football team only because everyone makes the football team. After all, someone needs to get knocked over on a special teams play. The wannabe athletes were normally kids who would talk a big game and rarely back it up. At least as a red faced fat kid I wore my game on my face and on the huge circular sweat stain on the small of my back.

The Kid That Always Gets Hurt

You can toss this kind of gym class kid into any of the other categories as well, but this one is a necessary add-on for sure. Other than using a protractor incredibly wrong, gym class is usually the only class in school you will get hurt. A lot of the kids who always got hurt were athletes or the wannabe athletes. There was one kid I went to school with for years and every time he barely got touched he would pretend he was hurt really bad. He did this mostly whenever his team was losing or he screwed up, attempting to mask how his giant oval-shaped head was slowing him down during flag football. For some reason in his head he thought it was better to cry from an injury than admitting someone beat him fairly. I went to school with that kid for 13 years and we only have 5 mutual friends on Facebook. That shows you how different our social circles were.

The Take It Too Seriously Kid

Again, you can be other things and still be the take it too seriously kid. These classmates act as if they are going to win something more than a high-five from a teammate. The sport I remember seeing this kid in most was volleyball. My middle school and high school loved volleyball tournaments because it was non-violent and could be coed. Whenever a ball would land near a girl and she would step out of the way the kid who took it too seriously would scream at her like she lied about being on birth control. Why would you ever scream at a girl for wanting to not get sweaty? Needless to say, the kids that took gym class too seriously all ended up alone.

The Nerdy Girl That Actually Did Try

I would hate for you to think that I didn’t notice the girls who did try in gym class. Oddly enough from my experiences, the only ones who tried hard were the nerdy girls nobody ever noticed. Perhaps this is why they tried in gym class, to finally gain some credibility in the school. Most specifically I remember a particular nerdy girl trying to catch a kickball only for it to hit her in the face and knock her flat on her back. I think after that she learned her lesson that sports aren’t for everybody and she should stick to being weird and getting good grades. I have no idea where she ended up in life. Kudos to her, I wish I could be as elusive.

Today is the first full day of the NFL season. I’m so excited, one of my nipples is slightly less puffy. Here is a comprehensive list of several NFL teams and which country would best represent where they currently stand.

football

 

(It took me far too long to realize this is the wrong football)

Seattle Seahawks – The United States

The defending champion Seattle Seahawks would have to be the United States. The USA is the most powerful country in the world in most ways. They have a few other things in common too. Both have great defenses and are a little too arrogant.

Dallas Cowboys – Russia

The Dallas Cowboys might be the most hated team in the NFL. That’s not to say Russia in the most hated nation, however, recent events has them held in a negative light. Even in times of turmoil, both Russia and the Cowboys are seen as potential threats. Come the fourth quarter with everything on the line, it would be interesting to see who performs better–Vladimir Putin or Tony Romo.

Pittsburgh Steelers – England

A team filled with great tradition, the Pittsburgh Steelers represents England well. England was a powerhouse for a long time throughout history. Now a more peaceful country far less focused on imperialism, they still have plenty of worldly success. Steelers’ fans and the English have their greatest triumphs from long ago. This still doesn’t mean things can turn around immediately for either.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Madagascar

Irrelevancy, easily forgotten, and few free agents even contemplating a visit has the Jacksonville Jaguars and the island nation of Madagascar as nearly identical. I hear both have pretty nice weather too and only one is poorly run by its general manager.

New England Patriots – China

The best selection to represent China would be the New England Patriots. Completely contradictory based on the team nickname, the Chinese are still a perfect match. They have each gone through long periods of success with very little downfall. More importantly they march to beat of their own drum not caring what anyone else thinks. Their spies are both pretty good too.

San Francisco 49ers – Canada

This seemingly odd pairing does have merit to it. First, the city of San Francisco and the nation of Canada are very progressive thinking places. Second, the 49ers are currently the little brother of the championship Seahawks the same way Canada is the younger sibling to the United States.

Green Bay Packers – Japan

Japan cares about their history and image as do the Green Bay Packers. While you may never find anyone in Japan wearing a giant fake cheese on their head, this humble nation would be a good representative of the Packers organization. For as great as the Packers usually are it’s never really thrown in anyone’s face. The Japanese never brag about inventing Tamagatchi Pets.

Buffalo Bills – Mongolia

Even after multiple attempts at winning a Super Bowl the Buffalo Bills always failed. In a very similar fashion, the Mongolian Empire always came up short when trying to invade China. The Bills had Scott Norwood and the Mongols had the Great Wall of China stopping them; both very wide right.

Cleveland Browns – Cuba/North Korea

The Cleveland Browns might just be the most embarrassing football team in the league. Art Modell would play the role of Communist dictator well in this story of the team representing either Cuba or North Korea. It doesn’t really matter because both are a little too clumsy to ever do any serious damage.

butt fumble

Here are links to places you can find other works of mine.

cleat report

The Cleat Report: Anything baseball related

phalse philly sports logo

Phalse Philly Sports: Philadelphia sports satire

One ride I always refused to go on at Disney World was the “It’s A Small Planet Full of Murderers, Rapists, and Telemarketers After-All.” Disney later decided to shorten the name to “It’s A Small World After-All” due to pressure from what Walt Disney called, The Jews.

jew

Even at my young age I found this ride very tacky and lame. I guess you can say I was wise beyond my years, which would also explain memory loss in my mid-20s.

The world indeed is a very small one. Two recent examples happened and I will mention them as a propaganda-like way to promote my other blog.

The first example comes to us from when I mentioned how I was offered the opportunity to create a weekly comedy segment for a radio station I listen to. I sent in my recording and never heard back from the guy. About three weeks have already passed and even with a follow-up email I have heard nothing back. In other words, this guy has chosen to ignore me after sending compliments my way and giving me the offer. While I am grateful for the compliments, I find it a little irritating that I never got a response back even telling me it was shit. From a radio host who brags about being honest, I find his avoidance a little shady. I’ll probably complain about this more in the future when I am fully ready to burn that bridge. He googles himself, which is how he found my blog, so he’ll probably see it.

UPDATE: Here’s the passive aggressive post I made about him. He replied to my email saying he forgot to respond then I never responded back because I am a busy man.

busy man

(Sometimes I get so busy I feel like this poor guy who didn’t even have the time to leave his home to work so he has to suffer with peace and quiet from the couch on his home. Poor guy)

The way this is a small world is that after ignoring my emails he later mentioned an article I wrote for Yahoo Sports on his show. Most likely he had no idea it was me who wrote it. He referenced the title verbatim and even said he saw it on Yahoo. The more I think about it the more I hate this guy for teasing me with having a reason to live.

My second example also has to do with this blog in a stranger connection. I woke up early to see I had a new Twitter follower with a familiar name. I immediately checked the picture matched the name. The Twitter follower was a comedian from Philadelphia whom I had met years ago, once. He didn’t know my name and there is no possible way he would have remembered me for any reason so do not jump that conclusion. He just happened to come across my blog via Twitter or other place and he just happened to be someone I had met 6 years ago.

I like weird little small connections like this. I like it when people don’t remember me too. It’s like a fresh start where I have the upperhand. I always pretend to not remember people. If they think they remember me and it’s not me they are thinking of, I go with it. A pretty girl hugged me once because she thought I was a college friend named Chris. My name is not Chris and I had no friends in college. The point of it is, I responded and did not ignore the sweet words sent to me like that fucking radio host. Christ I wish I was powerful enough to start a war with him.

FYI I wrote this back in March which just goes to show you how little attention I have given this blog. My apologies to anyone who still uses WordPress. Does anyone still use this site? I have no clue.

Fantasy baseball is starting again soon and I hate to repeat team names. Last year I was the Miami Carlins and the Atlanta Slaves.

miami carlins

 

atlanta slaves logo

 

I also played fantasy football. My team name there was the Cleveland Drowns.

cleveland drowns

As you can see, they got progressively harsher and specific.

Here are some potential baseball names I may go with this year and football ones I have thus far:

Philadelphia Willies – Symbol is a bunch of penises

New York Getz – Symbol is Lethal Weapon character Leo Getz near the Statue of Liberty

Los Angeles Rogers – Symbol is a bunch of people named Roger like the black kid from Sister Sister

Toronto Blue Gays – Symbol is a bunch of upset protesting gay people/Chris Crocker crying/Blue Man Group sex picture

Houston Castratestros – Symbol is a penis without any balls

Los Angeles Angles – Symbol is a right angle

Tampa Bay Lays – Symbol is a bag of potato chips

Cincinnati Beds – Symbol is a bed

Cincinnati Meds – Symbol is one of those pill cases with every day of the week

Cincinnati Dreads – Symbol is a guy with dreadlocks

Cincinnati Peds – Symbol is a bunch of famous pedophiles

Arizona Diamondslacks – Symbol is a pair of pants with diamonds on them

Chicago Rubs – Symbol is a Vietnamese woman giving a massage

Milwaukee Jewers – Symbol is someone haggling the price down

I’ll stop there with baseball. For football I only have two so far:

Kansas City Queefs – Symbol is a vagina fart

Philadelphia Keagles – Symbol is a vagina tightening exercise

Any other suggestions are welcome.