Posts Tagged ‘stupid people’

The only reason you should ever not date someone is if you are not attracted to them. Attraction is incredibly complicated and I am too dumb to understand it anyway. Instead let’s focus on the ridiculous requirements some people set for who they will or will not date based on things that go beyond attraction and border shallowness.

1) Height:

Many people will set a height requirement. Girls will refuse to date a guy shorter than they are. Some of their reasoning is because they want to feel safe. You want to feel safe? Where do you live that danger is affecting your love life? How many ninjas do you have after you? I also was not aware that a 6’4 guy could stop a bullet any better than someone who was 5’7. For guys they want the opposite, a girl shorter than they are. This is also foolish because there are a ton of beautiful women that are quite tall. Plus, a tall girl can protect a guy like me from danger. I know. I’m a hypocrite.

2) Weight:

I used to say I would never date a girl who weighed more than me. This was a fair enough rule when I was over 200 pounds. Then not only did I lose weight, I also realized weight doesn’t matter when it comes to attraction. A person’s body defines way too much who they are in our society. Muscles, abs, and a tight body are great to look at. But will they nurture your needs? Will six-pack abs ever take you out for a nice dinner? No. All six-pack abs ever care about are starving themselves and popping out at nightclubs. You want a person with a six-pack? Enjoy that kale for dessert.

3) Race:

As much as I hate when people call things racist at the drop of a hat, it is racist to not even consider the possibility of dating someone of a certain race. It’s perfectly fine to have a preference. I get that. When you are unwilling to date a particular race it’s like saying they are not good enough for you. Believe it or not, this is actually a pretty common requirement people make. You should be willing to date people of any race. It may make you more cultured and it’s just the right thing to do.

4) Sports Fandom:

I have actually seen or heard people say they would not date someone who rooted for a rival team. This is one of the most ridiculous things ever. Most people root for a team because they were born in a particular place. So because your soulmate was born in Boston and roots for the Red Sox and you were born in New York and root for the Yankees you are not going to give eternal love and happiness a chance? Yeah, you deserve to die alone.

5) Location:

Long distance relationships can be tough. It also depends on how distant they are, but if you like each other I think it’s important that both parties do what they can to make it work. Technology is so amazing now that you can fall in love with someone over the Internet and have it turn out to be your younger brother upstairs in his bedroom catfishing you. Living an hour or two away from a person shouldn’t stop you from dating them if you like them. When you only date people living nearby it shows how selfish you are to your own needs and lifestyle along with how unwilling you are to explore simple things like people who live elsewhere. Meet some people who live somewhere else in a town you have never heard of. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who saw you pick your nose in high school?

6) Pasts:

There are certain things from a person’s past that you should always stay away from. If they were a third world dictator, leave them be. The majority of things though should be overlooked. Life is full of obstacles and so long as the person has overcome it then you should be proud to have a person in your life that actually can solve problems, especially their own. Plus the most flawed people are usually the most interesting.

7) Religion:

I understand that religion is deeply important to some people out there. Still, refusing to date someone because they have a different religious belief seems silly to me. I thought religion was about your personal relationship with God(s)? As long as the person you are dating doesn’t make fun of you or get in the way of your belief system I don’t see the problem. Or maybe I just don’t get it. If you don’t want to date me because I am not religious then I accept that. I like sleeping in Sundays anyway.

8) Random Physical Characteristics:

Eye color, hair color, amount of facial hair, and other little things that barely make a person who they are tend to be requirements for some people. I couldn’t tell you a favorite eye or hair color that I have for a woman. Facial hair on a woman though, I like that to be limited. Beards are incredibly trendy these days for guys. I know girls who will only date guys with beards. For those girls I hope there is a guy out there for them who enjoys dating shallow women with possible daddy issues.

9) Nice Car:

Okay, I have never actually heard anyone say this, but it has to exist. There has to be at least one girl out there or even a guy who will not date someone unless they have a nice car. We all know by now a nice car usually is because the person lacks something else in their life. The closest I have ever experienced to this was a girl telling me that she was high maintenance and likes to buy expensive clothing. To her credit she finally gave me a reason to turn off my phone.

10) Anything I Forgot:

Feel free to hate me for not making a complete list. There are so many stupid reasons why one person may not date another that I am sure you know a few more. Really the point I wanted to get across here is that you should never be strict about who you date. The perfect person for you may come in a shape, color, eye color, or even a car you weren’t suspecting them to.

wouldnt bang

(I’m also not a fan of her “got my finger shut in the door” shade of nail polish)

I was asked at work to put on ad on Craigslist for two positions. We got 110 replies. I estimate half didn’t follow directions. I clearly said place your resume and cover letter in the body of the email and most of these idiots included an attachment. To these people I replied with a severe rejection in PDF format.

PDF-300x300(Did you know if you look at the Adobe Acrobat symbol upside down it looks like Abraham Lincoln?)

I will probably go into this further at some point when I have the opportunity because there was so much stupid. However, here is the best I have seen so far.

Applicant 1:

Girl sent a really lengthy list of why she would be perfect for the job. She didn’t include a resume or cover letter, just a laundry list of why she would be perfect. Then she sent another email with an attachment with the same stuff, this time including a picture of her face where she was barely smiling.

Applicant 2:

hi,
I LOVE DOGS!!

i am a photographer and a filmmaker w lots of sales / serving and dealing w people experience …
we had 5 dogs growing up and rumor has it when i left dad replaced me w another pup 🙂

i would prefer administrative role!
more on my experience and resume below –
 
Summary of Qualifications
 
  • 4 years sales and customer service experience
  • Excellent communication skills
  • POS Experience
  • Punctual and Reliable
  • Fluent in English
  • Friendly and outgoing personality

The poor writing, short-hand, and the trying to be too cute is a major turn-off. Not to mention, they have experience as a Piece of Shit (POS Experience). I’m also happy they let me know they are fluent in English which I had my doubts about. They also sent this from a Canadian email address.

Applicant 3:

As a recent [college] graduate, I would like to fill the position of Administrative Assistant.  I have an efficient amount of management and clerical experience and I am positive that I would be able to contribute to this facility.  It was recommended that I apply to this agency. After reading about the agency, I am equally interested in the position.  I have a B.A in Psychology and am looking to start a career.  
        My written and oral communicative skills have definitely grown not only from my educational background but also from my experiences in the workplace.  It is important to have these skills for this position because communicating with people is a large part of the job.  I believe that I am able to handle any of the issues that may arise while on the job.  I am a very fast learner and will be able to put what I learn into action.  I am proficient in Microsoft programs such as word, excel , and powerpoint.  
 
There’s a lot wrong here. First, the use of agency when we are not an agency. Overall this is very unimpressive and reads like a 3rd grade essay written in blood with the last ounce of strength the child may have. Also, please capitalize the program names in the last sentence.
 
Finally, the applicant finished this off with saying the most ridiculous thing imaginable…
 
I do require a starting salary of $30,000 a year.
 
^^^^^^ENTITLEMENT^^^^^^^
 
And I apologize to anyone who may have broken their computers while holding it upside down to see Abraham Lincoln’s face.

As promised to the 0 people who were anticipating the follow-up, here is the list of things I have kicked ass at this past year.

A Cool Job:

I have a 9-5 job and it’s actually cool. I make *enough* money and I’m pretty much the as the Spanish would call it, grande queso. I had no experience going into the job other than not lying on my resume like the other people who applied. Now I get to play with dogs and get yelled at for not posting enough on Facebook. I even am getting to write my own “The Onion” style newspaper for work and asked my boss if I can do video editing, which I will get paid overtime for. So basically when I’m not blogging here it’s because I’m getting paid to do similar things elsewhere. The coolest thing is that I used to get in trouble for doing the same things I get paid to do now. Okay I’m beginning to brag. But really my job is pretty cool and I’m very lucky.

cool job(I take it back. My job isn’t this therefore it sucks)

I Haven’t Gotten Too Fat:

I really have no clue what shape I am in compared to last year. I think I’m in less good of shape because we have pizza too much at work. Here I am talking about work like it’s all I do. I do other things too like leave work and go there. I’m in a state where I can either have nice legs and arms with a disgusting excuse for a midsection or look hungry all of the time. That’s just the way my body works. But I haven’t gotten too fat, I know that much. Success!

cartoon_chef_4b(When I look in the mirror this is what I see minus the badass hat)

I Made 2 Friends:

This is going to sad real sad so it makes up for the me bragging earlier. I made 2 friends this year. Not only that, I haven’t made a single friend in the last 5 years. Well, I have. I just didn’t keep any for very long. I think I tend to wear on people or kill them. Who knows? I made a few other friends this year and none lasted. The two friends I did make were via Craigslist and both would be in my Top 8 on MySpace.

top8(I’d probably bump Alan and C-Dawg for them. Neither wished me a happy birthday)

I Really Don’t Care About Stupid Things Anymore:

Okay I’m lying. I do care about stupid things a lot. Fortunately I care about them slightly less. Like so what if someone doesn’t find me pretty? It’s their loss! Right? Maybe not. I guess what I should really say here is while I still question a lot I am very sure of myself. I know my opinion matters and is valuable. I know–not much else. That’s all that matters though, that I know one thing.

Grand Opening Of Kardashian Khaos At The Mirage Hotel & Casino(Here are some stupid things I never once cared about)

I Am Making Money Writing:

Aside from coming up with clever and cute things to say on Facebook, I get paid for writing my Yahoo articles. I was even honored as one of the top contributors. Top 500 contributors. I wanted to leave out the 500 because that makes it seem like any jackass can win it. Still, it’s cool to finally earn a few bucks from writing about sometimes things I want to write about.

No Picture Just Click on the Link

I’m Generally Happy:

As I type this alone in a dark bedroom with a Band-Aid on my thumb sitting on the bed because I have no couch, icing my knee and ankle due to constant pain, starving myself because I may have gotten too fat, listening to a baby cry outside on a Sunday night before work, it’s hard for me to be too depressed. I mean I really would rather not go to work tomorrow and all. Sleeping in and relaxing tomorrow sounds so much better. I can complain, but I shouldn’t. I have a pretty good idea where I am going in life and it’s not the worst place. I’m not stagnant and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Awww. That was kind of sweet in an insulting way to anyone reading this in a stagnant place in life.

Married-couple(Stagnant people where life has become predictable)

I’ve met a lot of dumb women in my life. It seems like every day I tell myself someone has topped the dumbest people I have previously known. There’s nothing wrong with being so unbelievably stupid. I mean someone has to get trapped down a well so the news isn’t all about murders and waterskiing squirrels. Today I would like to tell you about the stupidest girl I have ever talked to.

We’ll call this girl Katie because Katie is an average dumb girl’s name and her real name was Katie. She was a few years younger than me, 4 to be exact. I was entering my senior year while Katie was an incoming freshman. Before you go thinking this is some creepy relationship we had I will let you know she was a friend of mine’s younger sister and all pictures I sent her of my genitals were from such a distance you couldn’t really see much anyway.

far away

(Can we ever be certain this isn’t a picture of a naked pregnant woman or man with a pot belly?)

Katie was nervous about starting high school as most unbelievably stupid girls will be. Stupid girls may seem confident at times. I have come to learn they’re just too dumb to know how to express fear. I was already a high school veteran and seemed like a smart enough man so Katie turned to me for knowledge about the school. Seeing a chance to mess with someone’s head, I decided I could take things. The following are from what I can remember I convinced Katie were true things that went on in our high school. Note, she believed them all and asked her mom if she could go to a different school.

1) First I told Katie that the guidance counselors are no help because all they do is smoke pot and shoot squirrels in the parking lot all day long. Strange, but believable enough.

2) I went on to tell Katie the most frightening thing about high school is one day each semester in gym they make you do 100 naked pushups. I gave no reason why they made us do this other than it was a very sinister thing to make children do.

3) As far as cafeteria food went most of the meat was made from pure horse. That’s right, my high school served horseburgers. Where would they get the horse meat from? The school had a stable next to the dumpsters.

horse

(Imagine this served with tater tots. Good huh?)

4) When Katie said how awful it was that our school was slaughtering horses to feed the children she said she was going to protest it. I warned her the year previous a classmate of mine had tried doing the same thing and was shot in the head by one of the snipers hiding on the roof.

5) I asked Katie what teachers she had since her class schedule had arrived in the mail. I warned her about how her math teacher was a nudist. I had him my freshman year and while checking homework his balls hit my elbow.

6) Possibly the best thing I convinced Katie was that there was a centaur who taught at the school. Yes, a girl believed a mythological beast had a teaching degree. She didn’t quite believe centaurs were real so I explained he had surgery to make his lower-half horse. What was with me and lies about horses? Either way, Katie believed one day she might have a centaur as a teacher.

Centaur_Narnia

(Mr. Douglas was a pretty good teacher despite his differences. Who could ever believe a Centaur would have such a strong upper body though? How could he do pushups?

I want to say there were more things I made her believe to be true but these are the only ones I remember and they were the best anyway. On a separate occasion I told her I drove passed her house and saw a 10 foot tall clown holding a knife standing outside her bedroom window. She should have known it was a lie because how would I possibly know which window was the one belonging to her bedroom? When I first began talking to Katie she said two things to me. The first was she would never have sex and the second was Anne Hathaway would never get naked in a movie. Two years went by and Katie emulated Paris Hilton and wanted to be a porn star. A few more years passed and I saw Anne Hathaway nude in Love & Other Drugs.

Why are people as stupid as Katie real?