Posts Tagged ‘super bowl’

According to sources, today is the Big Game. I cannot say the more commonly used word for the Big Game as I was sued in 1997 for doing it. Ever since not being able to pay and having my legs broke, I have been very careful not to make the same mistake again.

I have little experience in watching the Big Game. Only in 2008 when the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots have I ever watched a game all the way through. It was the lone Big Game Party I was ever invited to. I think I ate some chicken. There was a kid that looked like Zac Efron there. I ate some hot sauce too and didn’t spill any.

zac-efron(Speaking of hot sauce, where’s this kid’s belt???)

I remember watching a little bit of a Big Game many years ago. I did not understand the sport. It was at that moment I realized I might be a woman. Not that all women are incapable of understanding sports. I just think there are a lot out there who do not. When you call them the Cincinnati Bangles every time your team plays them your interests are better suited for 1980s pop music.

The+Bangles+-+Hazy+Shade+Of+Winter+-+5-+CD+SINGLE-51059(Good move adding “Includes: Walk Like an Egyptian” because nobody would buy it otherwise)

The last few years I was usually doing something else on Big Game Sunday. Since I haven’t had cable in a while my viewership has been limited to the radio broadcast. I use theater of the mind in order to have something to talk about with others the following day.

Last year I listened to the game on the radio. I lied to a couple of people the next day and said I was at a Big Game Party because saying I sat around at home listening to the game on the radio because I do not have cable because I find it unnecessary and distracting while doing pushups every 10 minutes to better increase my desirableness to the opposite sex and only a few members of the same sex would have taken a long time.

the-ideal-male-body-weight-chart-attractiveness-2(I don’t match any of these! Darn media and their portrayal of the human body!)

I will probably have to lie about watching the Big Game again this year because I work with mostly men who think they know sports. One said Pete Rose is the all-time hits leader with 3,000 of them. Another said the Detroit Red Wings are the second best team in the NHL this season. My apologies to 1jaded1 of Stuphblog for bringing this up.

Come Monday I will probably try to finagle my way through a conversation, pretending as if I actually watched the Big Game. Again, this is easier than the long explanation. Considering the one guy said “What am I supposed to do with my W-2 Form?” we can assume he never worries about money. His father is also a New York stockbroker so he hasn’t had a hard day in his life.

Enjoy the Big Game everyone. Or don’t. Doesn’t matter to me.

Right now I’m at the craziest Super Bowl party imaginable. It’s so crazy we’re not watching the game and it’s just me at home eating an apple. Nuts, eh? For the sake of nothing and posting something here are two old things I wrote about football. Consider it Super Bowl foreplay.

Quarterbacks (all about why I’m better than Tim Tebow)

High School Football Experiences (all about how I avoided getting raped)

american-football-01

There are lots of things to celebrate. Clean air, clean drinking water, clean clothes, Kleenex. Those are just a few of the wonderful things in life we have to celebrate on a daily basis. I guess if you don’t live in the First World then you don’t have much to celebrate though. Most of the Third World people don’t have any of that. They live in Kleenex boxes. I’ve always heard of mentions of the First World and the Third World but never anything of the Second World. What countries fall into that category? Maybe those are countries like Poland where you always hear about people fleeing from but you never see massive amounts of dead people from there on the news stacked up. That’s kind of shitty for those Third World people. Your life already sucks and now we’re ranking you at the bottom. Like you don’t already know that your country is lame. Fortunately most of those people don’t know any better. They celebrate things like mediocre air, bloodless drinking water, clothes post-1988, and leaves to blow their nose on.

(Somalian tissue)

Even more than reasons to celebrate, there are different ways to do it. I don’t celebrate much. I rarely smile when someone isn’t being victimized. I’m evil. You know that already. Let’s get onto the ways to celebrate.

Shouting out is one common way of celebrating. Common things that people say are “Yay”, “Woohoo”, “Fuck balls that was awesome”, and a simple “Yes!” Expressing your celebration vocally is good because some people can’t read body language. You know that friend that won’t leave your place when you’re yawning and pointing at them then at the door. That’s who I’m referring to. They need you to express your joyfulness through words. They’re too dumb to understand anything less.

Body language is the other most common way of communication after making noises with your tongue lips. That’s something called speaking. Even a dog can do that and understand it. But we can’t understand everything a dog says. Are we dumber than dogs? Some of us are. Like people who you invite over and they say they’re only going to stay a few hours but they end up over staying their welcome. They eat your food. They follow you everywhere you go. Those kind of dummies are what I’m referring to as having less brain power than a poodle, the dumbest of the dog species.

(Why does this dog remind me of every slutty woman at a night club?)

One body language thing you can do to celebrate is the fist pump. I’m not talking Jersey Shore dancing in a club fist pumping. You know, I’ve been in New Jersey for almost a quarter of a century. That I believe is a “Score” and 4 years. A “Score” is 20 years I believe. Why couldn’t Lincoln just say exactly how many years ago? Confusing fucker. No wonder people were after his head. The fist pump involves throwing your arm in the air with your fist clenched. It’s almost as if you’re punching your guardian angel above you. And let’s be honest, most guardian angels need to be punched. Way too many people die in car accidents. You’ve got one job to do guardian angels. Protect us!

Dancing is yet another thing we do when we celebrate. You can dance however you want. Unless you’re a white person. Then you kind of flounder around aimlessly. Times where dancing is most appropriate to celebrate are after someone tells you they love you for the first time or after you win a dance competition. It’s kind of like a victory lap to rub it into the losers who could not bring it in the dance off. I would not suggest celebrating with a dance. It’s kind of douchey and you might get hurt. Then I’ll have something to celebrate. Your agony.

(The woman in pink seems unsure if she should clap or not)

Sometimes we get to celebrate with others. That allows us to do more celebratory things. One of them is the high-five. That’s when you slap hands at an impressive speed. It makes a slapping sound. The louder the slap, the deeper in the closet of homosexuality you probably are. Even more strange the touching hands with another man is the chest bump. A boob bump is fine when girls are doing it. That’s sexy. A chest bump though? A man getting a running start, jumping in the air, then bumping chests with another man who stands still like a brick wall? No. That’s unnecessary. Nothing is worth that kind of celebrating. More people need to die during chest bumps. You’d think they would. Slapping your hearts together with such force? That’s got to cause some damage. There’s also the fist bump. We know what that is. It’s how germaphobic people shake hands. Did you know germaphobic doesn’t even come up as being spelt correctly? That means it’s not real. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger comes up in spell check as being a word. I bet he’s not afraid of the snot of others. Grow up and build up an immunity. Or else you’ll die the next time you don’t properly clean off a Coke can with the inside of your shirt.

That’s about it for the most common forms of celebrating. There are others, of course. You can fire off a gun, push someone hard, break something important to a family member, fall to your knees and punch the floor, and many other fun things. I remember once being told by a teacher that I should celebrate by putting my hands together, picking them up and putting them to my head, then shaking them back and forth on either side of my head. I took her suggestion and felt like I had just won something in the 1950s. That was the last time anybody seriously celebrated that way. But it didn’t matter. I was the champ and champions get to celebrate however they want. I chose the nerdiest way possible.