Posts Tagged ‘surfin bird’

I remember writing up a piece a while ago that I never posted because it seemed like I was too nutty. I have since posted many insane things on this blog and no longer worry about what you think of me. That’s actually not true. I care a lot. Do you love me? Please tell me you love me. I want to be loved.

In this piece, and it is a piece because it is a work of art, I will list out what makes someone a garbage blogger. Actually, to be fair they’re more garbage human beings who happen to blog. I don’t want to put down anything someone writes about because that’s their choice. To be what I will now refer to as a Garbage Blogger you have to do a few things you wouldn’t normally do in life. Here they are. Hopefully you don’t do too many.

1) Liking every post you see on WordPress

Nobody could possibly have as much time to read these blog posts as some people click the Like button on blogs. That sentence was poorly written yet some asshole will still click Like on this post without calling me out on poorly written sentences. Do you know why? Because they didn’t read shit. Stop trying to promote your own blog through your avatar. Your face has a creepy mole on it and your smile sucks.

king john mole

(Please never post pictures online if you have a mole. I always think my computer screen needs to be cleaned)

2) Making it too obvious you didn’t read and pretending you read every word

It’s fine to scan through a blog post. If it was any good it would be in the Smithsonian right? I think most of us have those days where we want the gist of things then leaving a courteous comment. That’s fine. A garbage blogger is someone who continually says something generic. Their strategy with this is to hope other people see their stupid comment then other stupid bloggers click over to their place then click the Follow button. I know this is why they do it because I did it once. I immediately gave myself 100 lashes with a whip because I hated myself so much.


(He’s wasting his flexibility. Teach yoga dude)

3) Being generally creepy

Please do not use blogs to pick up women. That is, unless they continually bother you by commenting on your blog and saying flirtatious things back. The only reason I do anything is because I hope to one day impregnate as many women as possible. This is called being a man. I can get away with it though because I understand who I should and can say dirty nasty things to. I also use a real picture of myself and I’m a real person with personality, not some anonymous idiot. Stop being creepy to women online. It lowers my chances at gorilla masking them.

gorilla mask

(Not exactly what I meant, but you can never find a good gorilla masking picture when you need one)

4) Rebloggers

The few times people have reblogged something I wrote it was awesome and flattering. About half the time it was people who genuinely enjoyed the post and wanted to share it with others. The other half it was some random foreign person whose entire blog was reblogs. What’s the point in this? It’s not some super kind Pay it Forward gesture. It’s stalking and thievery. Please don’t steal my stuff. I barely worked on it and you taking it will make people think I’m legitimate. I cannot handle the pressure.


(He’s not trying to create kindness, he’s trying to build the world’s largest human centipede. We missed the point of the film!)

5) Non-repliers

I despise when I leave someone a comment on their blog and they do not respond back. Seriously, these people are terrorists. I would rather save a member of Al-Qaeda from a burning building than someone who doesn’t reply to my comments. Then again, if Al-Qaeda members are in a burning building they probably are the ones who lit it on fire. Is it too hard to reply to a comment on a blog? Christopher Reeve could have replied to a blog comment with some weird blinking device it’s so easy. Please always reply. You’re garbage if you don’t. Unless the person commenting is garbage. Then you’re a trashman.

Is there anything I missed? I know there must be. Five is a really short list. Imagine if Schindler’s list was this short. The Nazis would have probably not even noticed he was helping them escape to freedom or whatever happens in the movie. I don’t remember it much. My favorite scene is still the one with the fat secretary.