Posts Tagged ‘technology’

Technology is great. It allows us to wash our nude bodies indoors with the light and provides the opportunity to watch others wash their nude bodies with the lights on.

Not all of technology is great though. Some parts are absolutely terrifying.

sandra_oh_a_l

(Terrifying in person form)

Take socializing for instance. There are way too many ways to be bothered. Between Facebook, Twitter, email, and texting, mutes have become our equals in terms of communication. While they still all have a distinct baritone voice only excused because they can’t hear themselves sounding ridiculous, the deaf have tied us listeners in getting the message across.

And this is a problem.

I remember going a whole summer without talking to anyone from school. I avoided the Internet like the plague or the same way girls did me until I turned 22. The only thing different at 22 was I now had thinning hair and eye bags which to women reminded them of George Clooney if he wasn’t famous. The only downside was when they found out my real age after not understanding any of their references to the 1980s.

What’s a gay cancer?

I don’t like technology because now I’m forced to be empathetic. When someone is sad I have to read about it. I can’t ignore the problem either because I have a kind heart.

However if you have cried for help openly and I don’t respond, it’s because I’m intimidated by how cool you are. I also don’t feel like reconnecting with another person who will just commit suicide in three months. I don’t even own a suit for your funeral.

zoot-suit-yellow

(Only a black man can pull off a suit that looks like my underwear)

Technology brings us places we shouldn’t be. Like work. Have you ever thought about your job? How important would it be in the apocalypse? Unless it’s oil salesman, road warrior, or cage dancer you’re replaceable. It’s okay because I am too.

One last thing to mention about technology: it keeps us alive longer. This is an awful thing, I think you’d agree, if you’ve ever met anybody.

Here’s something I wrote for Yahoo about the pros and cons of limited Internet access. It was one of the first things I ever got paid to write and I immediately spent those $3 on paying for half of a sandwich.

al gore

I was the last kid on my street to get Internet access. I know this for a fact because my parents would have us sneak into the neighbor’s homes when they were away on vacation; this breaking and entering counting as my family’s vacation. Every home up and down Overton Road had Internet access. My dad finally began paying for Internet when I was in seventh grade. At first I was hooked, staying online constantly. Then I lived a few places without the Internet. I learned over time there are pros and cons when it comes to having Internet access readily available.

Pro: You have an excuse for not knowing everything in the world

The Internet has every piece of information available on it, the greatest of all being dirt on new people you meet. When you have access people expect you to take advantage of this readily available information. Telling people you don’t have the Internet at home provides the perfect excuse for not knowing big news or who the President of the United States is. It’s like being stuck in the 1920s minus the constant fear of a typhoid breakout.

Con: You have trouble discovering new things

The best way to find new music these days is searching on YouTube. Without the Internet it’s nearly impossible to find new music without a friend suggesting it. If your friends are anything like mine, they will suggest listening to “that new English singer, Sting.”

Pro: You don’t discover those new things

While you can find great new music you are also less likely to stumble across the bad stuff. I have no clue what Justin Bieber’s singing voice sounds like. I had such little Internet access during his rise to fame that he could scream for help from one room over and I would have no clue it was him. Why Justin Bieber is in my apartment screaming for help, that’s a topic for another day.

Con: Less contact with friends/acquaintances

I use social networking sites like Facebook to keep in touch with friends I am not likely to see in person very much. It’s a great way to not disappear off the face of the earth from them. When you can’t get online as frequently these friendships can lose their strength.

Pro: Less contact with friends/acquaintances

Some friends are lousier than others. When a friend you don’t like very much communicates via the Internet more than anywhere else, you have the perfect excuse to skip their birthday party, wedding, and possibly funeral. “Sorry. I haven’t been online” is a legitimate excuse in today’s world to miss out on everything.

Con: Lack of entertainment

A lot of my entertainment comes from the Internet. I stream radio stations, read blogs, and play fantasy baseball. Hey ladies, interested? Going online is a huge distraction that can numb your mind and take you away from the daily grind. Entertainment is highly underrated in our society. Something as simple as a picture of an angry cat gives people hours of enjoyment now. I may not agree with this, but that’s just the way it is.

Pro: Saving money

As is the case with everything in life, Internet access costs money. This was a big reason why I chose not to have it in my home. As a 22-year-old working part-time not making very much money and living alone, I had to pinch pennies wherever I could. There are plenty of free places you can use the Internet. Did you know libraries still exist? They have Internet access too. There are also coffee houses, restaurants, and a few other places that will let you steal their Internet. My personal favorite place is going to a hotel lobby. Not only do you get high-quality Internet access, nobody bugs you. I did this for an entire year whenever I needed to get online. If you decide to do this, make sure you never overstay your welcome. Sometimes I would stay in my car so the same hotel desk clerks wouldn’t see me coming in then leaving after an hour three days a week. After writing this section I now know what my ex-girlfriend meant when she called me cheap.

Con: People will think you are weird

Most people thought I was very strange when I would tell them I didn’t have Internet access. They would say it like the rest of me was so normal. Admittedly I am a bit of a blowhard. I don’t use iPods, I don’t watch current sitcoms, and I think baseball was better in the 1920s. There are still plenty of people in this country that don’t have Internet access in their home. The only reason I broke down and have it now is because the nearest library either never has access or the librarians give me dirty looks. Now with the Internet at home I can embrace the hermit lifestyle. It feels great. I wonder what the weather has been like this summer.

I finally broke down and got an iPhone a few months ago. Well, my boss offered me one. I only ever use it for taking pictures at work because my boss uses it too and I know at some point I’ll forget to delete a picture of my poop if I used it like it was my own.

iphone-4s-devices

(The contraption doesn’t even have Minesweeper on it so how good can it be?)

On the iPhone I get a few random phone calls. I also get a few text messages from mysterious people. I haven’t deleted any of them because if I ever lose the phone I want people to think I am mysterious and a total dick for never responding to text messages. Here are a few in the phone:

Person 1:

March 14: Hope you are doing well Basic enough

April 30: When people are innocent they don’t pack up and run I was getting excited when I saw this and had hoped there’d be some big drama to follow. There wasn’t…

May 3: And Judi Russo is not looking for any ones $$$$) (had that already when I was married—I am wishing people I trusted never hurt my innocent kids who loved them- Very powerful stuff yet I have a feeling this text message was from someone named Judi Russo talking about herself in third person like Rickey Henderson

July 5: We really pray for that family As if someone was going to call her a liar

Person 2:

June 24: Sup bro Simple enough

June 24: It’s Babby Since I didn’t respond Babby probably feels awful, as if his friend is ignoring him because it is Babby. Poor Babby! It may have always been a typo and I got a text from a baby

Person 3:

May 17: Valeri kumusta? Ano balita? I could have actually answered this one no matter what language that is since “no” is very universal

Finally there was this long chain from a group of people:

April 14: Ok one of you guys should call Sam or Mike and tell him that we trust him just as long he do right thing 4900 full truck everything that we talked about. Even if we add for the extra stuff that was not covered by all American I think we will not go over 7500 k. What do you guys think? I think you just left Sam or Mike out of this text message and included me

April 14: Yes please call him baby stuck in a meeting now Pet names in a mass text messages–this guy will not hear the end of it

April 14: Send me his cell # I get the feeling it’s a prison cell…

April 14: Buy maybe Val should call? Because Val loves dating convicted rapists

April 14: (cell phone number deleted to protect the stupid) his cell Val you want to tell him that we will trust him? Ok good luck then Later if we there is still room we can add the other stuff during loading day even if we pay extra. Call him just smooth him out tell him we read his blog that’s why we got scared. He doesn’t know we are going with All America I just said we paid for boxes. See what he say, if he accepted then we go with him I hope this person they are trying to get in touch with is an English tutor

April 14: Val did u call? I think I’m supposed to be Val

April 14: Did u call Sam? No I have not and I am ruining Val’s reputation as a slut who does what she’s told

April 14: No bz wd meeting I ask val can u ff up wd her The inventing of shorthand just shot herself in the eyes

April 14: Call me the iPod is at home God forbid you leave home without “The Best of Abba”

April 14: Coming home I really hope this is slang for “dying”

I used to carry around a notepad with me everywhere because I get great ideas all the time and needed to record them. Then I realized I had to wear pants 5 sizes too big to be able to carry the notebook comfortably in my pocket. I write very big. Using a small notepad was out of the question. I decided to get with the times and start recording the thoughts onto my phone. Although many have been deleted to make room for more brilliance, today I present to you notes I have in my phone. Most are things I either dreamed or strange things to say during a conversation. Welcome to my nightmare.

(What’s scarier, Freddy’s face or his fashion sense? I go with the latter)

“He’s telling the truth. A vagina has more holes than his story does.” I said this to someone in a dream and thought it was clever and still might

“Calling Polaroids roids” Wouldn’t it be funny if some jock bought Polaroids from someone thinking it was steroids? Or what about if he bought hemorrhoids instead? I slay myself

“Big Apple = Big Asshole” My opinion on New Yorkers

“Someone’s a prick.” Not sure who this was referring to but it was saved in the same place as the one about New Yorkers

“Even the dumbest kid has done more than Shakespeare” I think I was going to try writing a stand-up bit about how even people with Down Syndrome get to ride in cars while Shakespeare still had to walk everywhere. Hilarious, I know

“Things black people ruin” I never actually made a list. If forced to name three things quickly I’d say the movies, the NHL, and property taxes

“Posture is the key to beauty” I guess this was a reminder to myself to stand up straight. Too bad I would have to look down in order to read it

“Homesick, living alone” This was based around a standup bit I tried writing on how I live alone but still get homesick and how it must mean I just hate being around people. I still think it has potential but I’m terrible at wording, speaking, and being likeable

“Jack the Ripper comedy” Back when I wanted to write a comedy based around the Jack the Ripper killings

“Prom with cancer kids” Not sure what this means, probably some dream I had or someplace I wanted to steal money from

“Boogers in the dark” This was about how picking your nose must not be fun in the dark because you don’t get to see how wonderful they look

“Unfunny people never make themselves the victim” I was going to write a whole blog about this but it came out really bad. Simply put, if you’re never willing to put yourself down you’re not a funny person

“Midget/baby furniture, Dale Earnhardt” The first two go together because a midget probably would use baby furniture. I don’t know where Dale Earnhardt comes into this

“Invisawig” Based on a dream I had recently where I invented something called the Invisawig. It’s an invisible wig that makes the wearer feel like they have hair but they don’t have to be embarrassed about wearing a wig

None of what I am about to discuss has any scientific backing. Well, it might. They do some pretty stupid studies. I remember one was something about how fat kids like school the least. Yeah, they do. They get picked on and they have to move around every 41 minutes. There’s only one lunch period too! It’s a fat kid’s hell. I used to make sure to take off at least one Monday a month because I hated school with a passion. I knew another fat kid who chose Fridays as his day to take off. Note to scientists, do not do a study about how fat kids love three-day weekends.

(“I love 3 day weekends!” – fat kid from Modern Family, much better than the Two and a Half Men fat kid)

Onto the science stuff. Remember, none of this has any backing. I believe that radio, television, computer, cell phone, all those devices will eventually kill us and have been for years. I know, I sound like the Unabomber. In the early 90s he was blowing up people via the mail because he was afraid technology was going to take over. 20 years later, he’s been right. I do believe that more technology can be a bad thing. I don’t see how knowing the score of the Seahawks/Raiders game instantly is necessary. I used to love looking at sports scores in the newspaper when I was younger. I would have to wait the next morning to find out how other teams outside of my area did. It was beautiful. The Unabomber had a great point. A poor way of executing his point, but he was right. The machines are going to take over.

What inspired these thoughts? Mostly the idea that I woke up this morning an hour before I should have. For no reason at all I woke up. I looked at my cell phone and I had a text message. Something about “Hey my car broke down and my wife is going into labor, can you help us out?” I deleted the text message but not before looking at the time. It had occurred 1 minute earlier. Before you say that my phone vibrated or made some kind of a whacky sound that woke me up, think again. My phone was on silent. If this had happened once I wouldn’t think much of it. The fact that it happens a lot and even happened twice earlier in the day makes me wonder. Yes Robert Plant, it really makes me wonder.

(He looks terrible. That stairway to heaven he bought will be coming in handy real soon)

I know this can probably be easily explained. Not every silent text message has woken me up. Enough have for me to blog about it. That’s when you know something annoys you, when you blog about it. Something that annoys me that I have never blogged about is when people are wished a happy birthday on Facebook and don’t directly thank the person. Even clicking the “Like” button is fine. Just posting a status saying “Thanks for the Happy Birthdays” is insulting. Fuck you birthday boy. You’re not that busy. You’re not George Clooney. Do it the next day if that’s when you’ll have time. We took the time to post on your page hoping some hot girl from high school you’re friends with will see it and think “Hey, he’s cute now. He probably has bad self-esteem from his older days of looking like shit. Maybe I should contact him and ask if I can hide his penis inside of me.” Birthdays come around once a year and you don’t have the time to thank each person? At least thank most. At least thank me. You’re a prick if you don’t. And I hope your birthday sucks.

My theory with the text messages is that the nearest tower is to the east of my bed. Where I keep my phone, on my nightstand/cup holder/temporary used condom table, is to the west. This is going to sound insane, but I think that the message travels through my brain and then into my phone. It’s not like I know what the message is. But I think that it might be possible that some electrode snaps off in my brain and jolts me. I mean, it has to be possible. We don’t really know what these frequencies and waves do to our heads. It can’t be good. I know that much. I type this all with a laptop inches above my balls. If I ever am able to have children, it will be a miracle. Then I will have to be a dad and that will be a disaster.

Our brains are very powerful. I believe that most of the “unexplained” in this world is our own doing. I think we can create anything with our brains. Events, moments, objects, anything that our subconscious “wants.“ I know, this is deep hippie shit. I don’t take drugs either which means if anything I’m crazy. Frequencies and waves may not kill us, but they’re waking me up from awesome dreams. Isn’t that enough of a crime? That chick was SO into me. Her hair looked like Vitamin C’s hair.

(Vitamin C is okay looking. These are gorgeous!)

30 years from now, we might all have a giant brain tumor from all of these wires and stuff flying around. I know 3 people with epilepsy that live on the same block. Isn’t that a little strange? There are power lines that run across the street from them too. Hmmm I don’t know. That seems a little shady. It doesn’t necessarily help my argument, but it does make it possible. Anything is possible. If we believe something hard enough, it can become true. If everyone believed that I was black then I become black. I am officially black. The color white is now black but the color black is still black. I’m rambling about nothing. I think these cell phone frequencies are really doing some serious damage.