Posts Tagged ‘television’

Joey from Friends is on a show called Episodes. I have not watched it because I think the way Hollywood parades that mongoloid around in the public spotlight is heinous. Let the poor guy live a life as normal as he can!!!

matt-leblanc(Joey actually lasted 46 episodes which means there probably is no God)

I do not want to talk about his television show. I want to talk about other television shows. In particular my favorites from classic shows. These are inspired and include a few statuses I made on Facebook along with some originals.

My favorite episode of Magnum P.I. is when Magnum shaves his mustache for the summer. Everyone makes fun of him and he grows it back. Everyone else in the office tell him it was a good decision.

My favorite episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is the one where the LA Riots spill into Bel-Air and the Banks Family is held hostage for being, as the lead rioter calls them, “Uncle Toms.” Carlton did a lot of dancing in that episode and I like his dancing!

My favorite episode of The Walking Dead is the one where Carl has really bad diarrhea and they have to go out to find diarrhea medicine for him. On their way they have to kill one zombie and there isn’t much action, except in the prison toilet where Carl is bringing upon his own Apocalypse.

My favorite episode of Cheers is the one where the bar is closed for repairs and everyone stays at home watching television.

My favorite episode of Scooby-Doo Where Are You? is when they were going over their plan to trap a zombie pirate and Scooby Doo squatted down to take a big poop and it was really embarrassing for everyone and they made Shaggy pick it up.

My favorite episode Home Improvement is the one where Wilson tells the Taylor Family that the bottom of his face is missing. They don’t believe him and it turns out to not be true; he just has really bad anxiety. Tim uses money he made from Tool Time to send Wilson for counseling. Wilson ends up getting raped in the hospital by Brad because he’s rebellious.

My favorite episode of Everybody Loves Raymond is the one where the older brother hits his head on an airplane ceiling and then dies a few hours later. There was a lot of Billy Mays satire and I found it very timely.

My favorite episode of Parks and Recreation is the one where Leslie Knope realizes she met Ben too late in life and at over 40-years-old she can probably never have a family with him unless they adopt, but they can’t do it because Jerry screws up the paperwork. I liked that one.

My favorite episode of Lost is the flashback of Hurley. We find out that his weight is the reason why the plane crashed at the end which came as a huge shock to me. I was totally not expected them to go in that direction.

My favorite episode of Dexter is the one where he asks his sister for a half-day. Instead of going out to solve a murder though, Dexter catches up on some sleep.

My favorite episode of Seinfeld is the one where Dr. Timothy Whatley played by Bryan Cranston converts to Islam so he doesn’t have to have a sense of humor anymore. The B-story with Kramer on the double-date with the giant was good too.

My favorite episode of The Wire is when everyone has to stay late to finish up paperwork. This was sadly a real episode, but not my favorite.

Anyone else have a favorite episode?

Still running through things I wrote months ago to post it somewhere online, here’s a very bland review I wrote for a website that never ended up existing about the show The United States of Tara.

When it was announced that Juno writer and former stripper Diablo Cody would get her own television show, people were excited. I never lived in a home with Showtime, HBO, or any of those rich people channels so my reaction was pretty neutral. I had heard of her show The United States of Tara, but never really knew anything about it. Based on a recommendation from a friend who said she enjoyed it, I decided to give this show a try.

diablo cody(A stripper with a tattoo of a stripper on her arm. It’s like when Butt-Head said he was going to get a tattoo of a butt on his butt)

Starring Toni Collette of The Sixth Sense fame (I’m such a bum that is the only thing I knew about her) as Tara, The United States of Tara is about a mother and wife with dissociative identity disorder, the polite way of saying “bat shit crazy.” She assumes the roles of three other people. There’s Alice who behaves like a mother from a 1950s television show, T who is a slutty teenage girl with a foul mouth, and Buck who is a beer and gun loving Vietnam veteran.

taraposter2(Totally Photoshopped. Toni Collette’s boobs are not big at all like they look on T. Plus she’s more horse-faced)

The first season is about Tara and her family’s dealings with her disorder. She has a supportive blue collar husband named Max, an occasionally troublesome yet independent daughter named Kate, and a semi-openly gay son named Marshall. Each of her personalities, or alters as they are called in the show, brings differently problems. The family’s job is to love their mother no matter what and to help her solve these issues. What else is family for? Oh right, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.

Another important part in Tara’s life is her sister Charmaine who later on in the series takes on a bigger role. At first she is unsupportive of Tara which seems ridiculous because sisters never disagree about anything! I would know. Both of my sisters hate me.

At times this show can be pretty funny. At other times it can be a little too obsessed with its own worth. During many of the scenes it seemed to me like it was nothing more than Toni Collette showcasing different characters she could play. The character Tara was not only the least interesting despite having this unique disease; she was also one I felt the least empathy for. She reminds me too much of a crazy person telling people she is not crazy. She is crazy. She thinks she’s a Vietnam veteran. She was maybe four when the war happened.

vietnam war(Can you find Toni Collette in this photo?)

The other characters on the show make up for the lack of love I have for Tara. Max shows us what a good husband is. His love for Tara is so unconditional he doesn’t even have sex with her when she transitions into her alters. I feel bad for him at times. He looks reminds me of a defeated man who knows he made a mistake. Patton Oswalt is his best friend though. That’s one thing he has going for him.

My favorite characters on the show however are the children. Kate is constantly having some sort of trouble with someone or somewhere. Her adventures entertained me throughout. From getting her first job and dealing with sexual harassment to making strange videos on the Internet for gifts I fell in love with Kate’s sassy lifestyle. Oh and she’s hot and I hope 18 when this was filmed. Marshall is not too far off either. He’s new to being gay (I hope that didn’t sound intolerant) and watching him fumble through the dating scene is fun to watch. They may be smarter than most kids with wittier dialogue, but there are way too many pieces of them that are genuine to reality.

brie larson(They drink coffee too. I didn’t drink coffee until 4 months ago. Hollywood is energizing our youth!)

I would classify The United States of Tara as a quirky comedy. What else would you expect from Diablo Cody? At times the show can be pretty dark, dealing with subject matter such as rape and molestation. I swear though, it’s pretty much a comedy. The characters are insecure, have awkward moments, and all of this happens while the mother they all love cannot go a day without becoming someone else. Truly this show is about a crazy loving family more than anything else.

The United States of Tara is for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional household and wish there was a camera there to capture the magic that unfolded.

Two of the best channels out there are HBO and Showtime. If you want to argue TLC for the freak factor, I’ll give you that. HBO was the first channel you needed a satellite dish for or something like that. I’m not exactly sure how this all works. It’s been around since the late 1960s or early 1970s in some form though. Showtime has also been around for a long time, 1976 according to briefly looking at the Wikipedia page. In the United States you still have to pay for these exclusively, meaning I have never lived in a home where these channels were accessible. Thanks to things like Netflix and me breaking into neighbor’s homes and watching their televisions when they are out of town, I’ve come to know a lot about these channels and the programming they provide. Both are great, but I have to wonder, which is better?

Point 1: The Programming

HBO has had hits like The Sopranos, Oz, Sex and the City, The Wire, Game of Thrones, and a few other things. Showtime is best known for Weeds, Dexter, Homeland, Dead Like Me, and a bunch of shows about gay people. There’s a very obvious contrast between the programming if you pay attention long enough. HBO has a much more East Coast feel to it. All of the shows I mentioned above take place somewhere in the Northeastern United States. Game of Thrones of course takes place in Montpellier, Vermont; something many fans overlook. Showtime has a more West Coast feel to it, despite not all of the shows being California based. Weeds and Californication are two I know take place in California. Homeland is in D.C. and Dexter is in Miami aka California on a penis. It would be impossible to choose which has better shows so I’m not going to do it.

vern schillinger(Although I’m a little partial to Oz)

Point 2: DVDs

Hands down Showtime is better at DVD sales. I’m basing DVD sales on price. HBO will put around two episodes on a disc sometimes. I’m talking to you Carnivale! Six discs for twelve episodes? Give me a break. The prices of HBO DVDs are also outrageous. Some will run all the way up to around $50. I was interested in buying Eastbound and Down Season One until I realized I would be paying $20 for six episodes. Kenny Powers is great, but he’s not that great. Showtime’s prices are much more reasonable. At least when I go into a Best Buy I don’t immediately skip over them because of the price.

Point 3: Netflix

You may not have noticed this, but very few if any HBO shows are available on Netflix. I’m sure it’s a contract they would have to sign to do this and I think it really limits their audience. Showtime on the other hand puts everything on Netflix. Weeds, Dexter, The United States of Tara, and more are readily available for your viewing pleasure or viewing hatred. I’m including hatred here because I don’t think you’ll enjoy everything.

dexter-season-6(Americans, we love our gore and our bothered by our morals getting questioned without it)

Point 4: Mary-Louise Parker

Mary-Louise Parker is too old to have my babies. That’s a shame because I think we would make cute ones. On HBO she only got to star in a miniseries Angels in America where she did get to go full frontal nude. However, on Weeds broadcasted on Showtime she gets to have her own TV show where we get to see her naked quite a bit in the middle few seasons. If nudity isn’t your thing, she has some cute outfits.

mary louise parker(Even in prison she’s incredibly adorable)

Point 5: Sex and Violence

Showtime is probably better at sex than HBO is. Showtime gives us a naked Mary-Louise Parker, Californication, Michael C. Hall’s upper body, and Big Brother after dark which I have heard is just everyone spreading STDs. HBO is the one you should turn to for the violence. The Sopranos, Oz, and The Wire alone are enough to satisfy your blood-thirsty needs. HBO also seems to show a lot more penis than Showtime. Just letting you know that I have realized this.

Omar-The-Wire-shotgun-1pvbyw9(Since The Wire was on HBO it’s “Omar coming” not like if it was on Showtime where it would be “Omar cumming.”

Point 6: Sports and Comedy

I’m not sure if Showtime does anything special for sports or comedy and I know for a fact HBO does it and they do it very well. From boxing matches, to uncensored shows following a hockey team around, to awesome stand-up comedy specials, HBO does it all. I’m sure Showtime would do it well too if given the chance. It’s like how I always tell girls on the street that I’d be a great boyfriend if they would just let me. It’s usually at that point they get to the final “1” in 911 and I have to run for my freedom.

louisckhboPOST(Can Louis CK communicate if he’s holding something in both hands?)

Which Network do you prefer?

I have been watching a lot of TV lately. Not necessarily on a TV. Like the Harvey Danger song, I don’t own a TV. I did spend a few days at my dad’s though and he has TV. The only thing he ever watches is Army Wives on Lifetime. He’s seen every episode except for one because the cramps his PMS was giving him hurt too bad to pay attention.

The first thing I actually watched was at home. I broke down and signed up for Netflix because I watched everything on YouTube I could ever watch. I caught up on Weeds and now I have to wait a few more months for the final season to show up on Netflix to find out what happens to the world’s worst mother. Granted, I would much rather watch Mary Louise Parker have her hair pulled during sex with a bartender than I would see her show up at a PTA meeting. Watching Weeds always makes me wish I was Uncle Andy. He does absolutely nothing with his life and yet has so many adventures. The only woe in his life is that Mary Louise Parker will not have sex with him. Andy annoyed me when her first entered the Botwin household but in later seasons he has proven himself to be a more relatable loser. I would love to be a bike tour guide in Copenhagen. Andy got to do this for three years. Why is fiction better than reality?

andy botwin

(It’s a shame his animal practice didn’t work out. Only the three people in the world who watched Animal Practice will even notice the connection)

Once I got to my dad’s I stopped with Netflix and focused on whatever was on the boob tube. The first thing I watched was WWE Monday Night Raw which was the first time in almost a year I’ve actually watched on TV. It was as disappointing as I remembered. The next morning I watched an episode of Victorious, you know, for research for Kidz Showz then the Guy Pearce movie Ravenous. Ravenous is one of those movies from the 90s that I remember the advertisements for yet never saw. It was decent and like all horror movies went downhill in the final act. I was watching the edited version too and I think I missed the pedophile from Ferris Bueller’s Day off getting killed in full.

My week continued with watching television while I sat on the couch with my laptop trying to write and occasionally having his dog try biting my finger. By the end of the week the energetic puppy was passing out earlier than he ever does and unable to wake up in the mornings. I wore the little guy out, almost entirely from chasing him around a coffee table.

buddy 3

(This is from another time I spent with the dog, but he refused to wear his coat this time around and I wanted to include at least one picture of a dog in a coat here)

The majority of my television watching was going back and forth between Chiller and FearNet. These channels are mostly horror themed. One had some great syndicated shows on during the day while the other had good movies on at night. The only film in particular I remember watching was Southland Tales. I was one of 5 people to see it in theaters, those 5 people being in the theater I saw it in. It was the guy who did Donnie Darko’s follow-up which means it was strange. I kind of liked it even though I didn’t understand much. I like The Rock, Sean William Scott, and Sara Michelle Gellar so maybe I’m bias. It’s a complicated film. Cheri Oteri also looks kind of hot in it which they need some credit for.

(Somehow this was a very important part to understanding the film. It’s okay if you’re confused)

During the day while my dad and his girlfriend were at work I continued my anthology of television watching. Shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, and other stuff made occupied my background noise while I stuffed my face with snacks all day long. The only time I felt like I was having a heart attack from the poor diet was when I was eating tuna. Seriously? The one food I’m used to eating makes me pound on my chest to make sure I don’t collapse on the ground. I’m not sure what kind of a cruel joke this is by God, but it is certainly a mean one.

The only actually film away from television I watched was pretty early on during my stay. With my dad I watched his favorite movie, Carny. This came out in 1980 and stars Gary Busey as a dunk tank clown and Jodie Foster as a runaway. Gary Busey is surprisingly not too creepy in it. My dad has a strange obsession with carnivals and freak shows. Later on in the week we watched episodes of the AMC show Freak Show, then the show about taxidermy, and then the comic book show that comes on after. We were mostly annoyed and he went to bed.

carny

(Gary Busey as the clown, Jodie Foster as the whore, and some guy who looks like Bill Hicks that my dad seemed fond of)

I also watched a few James Bond movies on G4 during the week only to realize how much James Bond movies suck. They’re very boring and the characters are too silly. I say this with Odd Job being a great character in my mind too.

I returned home now without cable and only the radio to provide background noise for me at all times. I went back to Netflix to watch Wilfred and realize I had just lived the show. I spent a week sitting around with a dog not really accomplishing much. The only thing missing was my dad’s dog does not smoke pot or have an Australian accent. Buddy the Dog chooses to do heroin and he has an Indian accent. This is much different than Wilfred.

While Lily was away this week awaiting trial for her involvement in a major United States Government cover-up, the blog simply known as Kidz Showz marched on. Here’s what you missed.

Boy Meets World where Lily talks about the show everyone I knew loved and I was never allowed to watch because Fred Savage’s face was too offensive.

Zoom where I talk about the unbeloved children’s program which considering it was on PBS, was brought to me by viewers like you. Thank you.

Spider-Man: The Animated Series where I talk about one of my favorite cartoons of my youth and show you how cruel my parents could be on Christmas.

Next week we look to start posting our first guest posts. You’re all of course welcome to it. All you have to do is put your lips together and blow to get in touch. Or say Beetlejuice 3 times. Yeah, I’m him.

I decided Fridays will be my day where I update you on what’s going on at the other blog I do. I don’t expect you to read every single thing I do, but in these posts I will serve up a reminder to you on the shows I have been writing about. You can also read Lily’s things too since we’re not super competitive or anything like that.

So far I have written pieces called

Batman: The Animated Series

The Adventures of Pete & Pete

Hannah Montana

Funny thing about the Pete & Pete one. I check my email at 4 in the morning because I had just had a bad dream about Michael Jordan getting paralyzed. I had a new Twitter follower, what appears to be the band Polaris. They did the theme song for Pete & Pete. I check their Twitter later on and they’ve somehow found the blog post. They called it nice. I’m not sure how they found it but they did. Pretty awesome and flattering to know someone out there is searching for me.

https://twitter.com/TheBandPolaris

The television industry term for a script that nobody cares about is “spec script.” Spec stands for speculation as in you write it completely on speculation that one day someone will come asking for it. No one ever does come ask for it. Your speculations were completely wrong. A lot of the time these scripts are written based on pre-existing television programs. This way the interns pretending to be high level executives reading these scripts don’t have to waste their time with your idea you think is completely original yet totally sucks. Today, I reveal to the public two different spec scripts I have written. They’re so incredibly not good that I’m willing to put them up on my blog and let them never get me anywhere.

Back in February I entered a writing contest. No, not this contest. I lost that one a while ago. This was another contest where I would basically get a job for a year making $50,000 (that’s about half what I’ve made in my entire life total) and have young actresses getting topless for the chance to touch my typing fingers. Well, they said they would contact the finalists by the end of August. I checked my calendar today and we’re already a few days into September. I emailed them a few times asking what gives. I’ve called them too and sent a few death threats to the judges’ homes demanding a recount. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact I am once again a loser. I did not think I would really win this contest. They wanted people who weren’t white or male or straight. You know, because every great television show in the world was created by a bicurious Japanese woman.

(“I write Big Bang Theory. You like Sheldon? I write ten joke of his.” – yeah right)

It also probably didn’t help that the main joke in my spec script centered around the N-Word. Although this contest would have me basically interning for money at a studio specializing in children’s programming, they said your scripts could still be adult oriented. What I submitted was a Modern Family episode I began writing about a year ago after watching 3 episodes of the show. It took me about 5 months to get “perfect” and off it went a week before the deadline. If you happen to be curious to read it ask me and I will send it to you (you won’t be). If you happen to be interested in any of the “original” things I have written (you REALLY won’t be) I’d be willing to let you take a gander at those as well. But for now I am only adding two things publicly because they are so incredibly out of date to the show and I would at least like someone somewhere to get some enjoyment out of the painstaking, gut-wrenching, thousands of hours I put into these works that would be better off heating the homeless.

(This family is so poor the girl on the left doesn’t even have the most up to date style of boots. I feel bad for these folks. They’re too stupid to get a $1 Megabus ticket somewhere warm)

The two episodes I present to you are from the television program Community. If you have never seen the show then well you might not understand a damn thing. If you have then you still might not understand a damn thing and if that’s the case I know what my problem is. Below are the two episodes along with a quick description for each apologizing for all the inaccuracies that have since occurred.

Community-Talent Show Final Draft WordPress

This was the first spec I wrote with success. It took me 10 tries of completely starting over again and such to finally get something I was happy with. I wrote it after only seeing the first season of the show so that’s why Shirley has a completely made up boyfriend and everything about her is probably wrong. I saw none of the third season so Omar from the Wire and John Goodman’s characters will not be found anywhere near this.

Community-End of the World WordPress (It’s really called “End of the World Survival Skills and Party Planning”)

The more I read this one the more I hate it. It connects well but it also seems like too much is happening. Plus Jeff’s character is completely off and says or behaves in ways he would normally not. For some reason he’s a complete wimp here. I think everything else is pretty accurate but again I wrote this without seeing 1/3 of the show.

Do you have anything you have worked hard at that will never get any credit? If you do, send it my way. I would like to plug it in a future blog post if you would allow me to do so. Music, art, something you’ve written, anything you desire. The only way to have something appreciated is to let as many people as you can see it. That’s the same way you find out if you suck or not.

Game shows are important to the American economy. Without game shows Alex Trebek would be a fisherman, Pat Sajak would be nothing more than the descendant of a notorious bank robber from the 1930’s, and Mark L. Wahlberg would not need to let us all know his middle name is “Lenny” to save us confusion into saying “Wait, Mark Wahlberg is a game show host now? What happened to his career?” One such game show that has captured my heart was Supermarket Sweep. I’m going to write about that today because I made a reference to it in a text message. You may never have heard of this show. If you never have it’s okay. Go read about some woman’s cat or some dumb avocado recipe today.

Supermarket Sweep was big in the 1990s even though everyone on it looked like they were from the 1980s. The show was on PAX, the religious channel. I never had much use for religion. I had much more use for their channel. Shop Til You Drop, Wonder Years reruns, It’s A Miracle, It’s A Miracle: Pets Edition, It’s A Miracle: African-American Neighbors You Always Thought Were Drug Dealers Edition, and an occasional movie with all the good parts taken out were great on PAX.

(6 discs, 6 hours? What a scam artist’s way to jack up the price. Is the economy in heaven that bad?)

The entire show took place inside a supermarket. I think there was a crowd hidden somewhere we never got to see. The host, David Ruprecht, looked like any religious man you know hates women looked. He always smiled. I never trust a constant smiler. Especially not one with Q-Tip hair. He was the perfect host for the show. Never did he give off a negative vibe and that’s what overly religious people want when they watch television. They want a guy who won’t laugh at idiots who think Bush’s Baked Beans is a cereal company.

(Someday D.R. will kill a man and an older Neil Patrick Harris will play him in the movie)

In many ways Supermarket Sweep was like The Price is Right. I liked it better. The Price is Right is an hour-long. I have trouble spending an hour doing anything let alone being tricked into thinking “Barker’s Beauties” are as good-looking as women get. Supermarket Sweep focused more on grocery item questions. The first round consisted of one partner running off after a smile and a slight shoulder rub. Smiling Dave would ask the remaining partner questions about grocery items. The partners eventually would switch and they would then answer questions in some format. The final round was called the Round Robin where the partners would switch off each question. The whole goal was to rack up as much time to shop later on. Sometimes Supermarket Sweep was a show that could be skipped through the first half. The real magic happened once the shopping began.

With their yellow, red, or their Buster Baxter from Arthur colored t-shirts now in place; teams would prepare to do their actual shopping. The main goal in the shopping was to spend as much money as possible. Sounds easy doesn’t it? Contestants were limited to 5 of each item. The big grabs were always gigantic turkeys, supersized diapers, and Afghan edible underwear. Of course 9/11 changed everything and the Afghan underwear was discontinued. There would be special events during the shopping such as hints to items containing more cash prizes, giant inflatable Jolly Green Giants with a peel off coupon representing a mystery amount beneath, and temple guards who would come out to occasionally attack the shoppers.

(This kid is so getting ready to kick this temple guard in the balls)

Time would run out and whatever was in their cart(s) would then be totaled up during the break. It was sad sometimes to see teams who only accumulated a minute and a half only spend around $200 during the shop while a team with a hefty four minutes could rake in $1500. Poor smiling David would have to act as if they had a snowball’s chance in my ass. Once the winning team was selected they would then have the chance to win a bigger prize by going from product clue to product clue in the allotted time. Rarely did these Christians ever succeed in the very last round. I always felt like they never gave them nearly enough time. Then David would smile and things would be better. If David’s smiling then they must have plenty of time. I swear. That man has some really scary skeletons.

It has been years since I have seen Supermarket Sweep. There’s no way it’s still on the air. It was one of those fly under the radar shows. I believe it came on at 6 or 6:30. Religious people are always getting home earlier than sinners like me. When I mention religion with the show it’s not like they threw in famous religious food products like “Jesus-O’s” or “Canaanite Canine Bites.” Supermarket Sweep kept the religion to a very minimum. Probably because a lot of their contestants were clearly really chipper gay men. The only time David wasn’t smiling was when contestants tried telling him they were just two guys who lived together. David did not get this. Why would two men ever live together? Maybe to share a woman. Other than that he was very confused.

(Of course they chose the banana…)

For those interested, here is a full episode:

I don’t get much a chance to watch live television very often. When I do it’s in two places, bars or car repair shops. Bars always have sporting matches on TV. What does this say for sports? You have to be drunk to enjoy them? It’s like people who always get high for concerts. If you have to smoke weed to enjoy a concert experience then I believe you need to find better music. Yes, I’m talking about you Dave Matthews Band fans. His Adam Sandler singing voice leaves much to be desired. When I’m getting my car repaired it’s usually during the middle of the day. What’s on the television? Daytime television. I’m pretty sure in Hell it’s always 10-2 and The Price Is Right channel goes dark at 11. Nothing is worse than daytime television. And don’t go telling me infomercials at 3 in the morning are worse. At least at 3 in the morning you can convince yourself you should be in bed or opening up a vein.

I went into a car repair shop recently. I had some extra cash and felt like being lied to. I had prepared myself ahead of time with a book about paranormal hoaxes and my laptop. My laptop is very big and obnoxious. I had thought I would journey out to the Starbucks down the street to use it. Possibly go online and try to find the Facebook accounts of the Baristas working there then freak them out as they see exactly what it is I am looking at. It was a hot day so I decided to stay inside and work on the book reading. What I subjected myself to was far worse. The television in the corner.

First up on the TV was whatever comes on before The View. I blocked it out because The View pretty much garnered most of my anger. On this episode they had a special guest who was an open homosexual. They asked him questions about whether or not it was hard for him to come out. Joy Behar said the word “faggot” which was beeped out. Why did she think she could get away with saying that word? Does she not know how much those faggots offend fans of The View? She only said the word because they had mentioned “the other F word” and wanted to clarify to her idiot audience she didn’t mean the word “fuck.” She was quite insulting in doing so. Then Elisabeth Hasselbeck said something cute and Conservative then we laughed at her for marrying the crappy quarterback from the Hasselbeck family.

(She married the athletic Rob Corddry. This might be the worst hairline in professional sports history)

After The View ended a news broadcast came on. There apparently was a 40 minute standoff near city hall which ended the way all standoffs do. The gunman fired at the cops, missed, then caught a bullet himself. The only other news I remember was Ryan Howard being put back into the Phillies lineup for the first time this season. I would make a guffaw here about if you’re a Phillies fan this season you probably would hope to get shot by police, but I know most people who read this blog find sports as interesting as I find them.

(I’m kidding! You love sports! And I love you! Even if Taylor does look annoyed about having to do her dumb gang sign over and over again)

The Meredith Viera version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was up next. Nobody ever liked this version. It’s too fast. The contestants are dumber. The rules are completely different. To make up for how much the show sucked they had two Olympians on. One of them was Dominique Dawes who I actually remember from my days of gymnastics watching. The other was some bozo from Middle America who seemed unsure of himself. I always knew athletes were retarded. These two proved it. I forget what one of the questions they had to skip over (yeah, they let you skip over questions now, no shit). They got way too excited when they knew anything. These two idiots ended up with $25,000 for their charity when they could have had about $61,000. They blew it on a science question about Total Recall. Stick to working once every four years you dopes and leave the smarts people with BMI over 25.

After millionaire came on the worst show I have ever seen. I wanted to tell the mechanics to cut my brakes and let me drive away. The show went by the name The Chew. It started off innocently enough. A bald gay guy, a gay guy with hair, Bridgett French-last name, an ugly Maya Rudolph impersonator, that fat chef Mario, and possibly a few others stood around cooking and making light banter with some insults. Then came the personal segments. There was Clinton’s Craft Corner where the gay guy with hair uses jazz hands to remind us how happy he is to not live in a place like Iran. There was a segment where the ugly Maya Rudolph did some weird dance and nobody laughed. The big get for this episode was when fat Mario went to visit Bon Jovi’s restaurant. Myself and another man in the room laughed at how Bon Jovi pretended he actually shows up each night to wash dishes. Yeah, fuck you Jon Bon. Don’t act like you’re some do-gooder because you opened up a restaurant to make enough money to pay for your summer home.

(“I’m a regular guy who struggles with money. I can’t even afford sleeves for my shirts or buttons to keep them together.” – some prick)

I totally forgot to mention how Wayne Brady was a guest on The View. How did I read a book while being able to take note into all this horribleness? I don’t mind Wayne Brady. He makes racist white people feel like they’re tolerant. If I saw Wayne Brady walking down the street I would smile then expect him to do an impromptu song about how sexy I am. I’ll pretend he didn’t rehearse this ahead of time and we’ll all laugh. Mr. Brady is not my cup of tea though. I’m not his target audience which is why I did not enjoy his segment. He is the definition of daytime television. Innocent, inoffensive, and interracial. The three I’s. How is he interracial? He’s part Zulu and part Jamaican. I’m making that up.

What I learned about daytime television here is that this demon was created for women who like to turn off their minds. Everything is about dancing and being chipper. These shows are designed to lighten even the saddest of days. You know those days women who love daytime television have where they forget to cut the crust off their ugly kid’s sandwich. Those horribly sad days when you want to kill yourself. I’m a person who always needs to be thinking. I always need to feel as if I’m growing in some way. Progress must constantly be made. Otherwise I’m stuck in a never changing life where the years continue to add up and the accomplishments stay the same.

How do you feel about daytime television? What from it do you watch? I believe the hours 12-2 were always the worst from what I remember. By 2 reruns and more edgy kid’s shows have begun to air. Not that they ever have nudity on Recess, but they do have the one slutty Ashley.

(Tell me the blonde does not grow up to have hepatitis)

Two years in a row I have failed to capture victory in a contest I have entered. Some would tell me that I need to keep trying. That not everyone succeeds right away. I tell these people to fuck off. You don’t know what it’s like to live a failure. We can’t be as perfect as you are. Some of us are destined to never reach our dreams. We’re meant to pick up trash or work in a cubicle. I don’t care how much money you make or what floor your office is on. You work in a fucking box! You’re a crayon with bowel movements.

(If these could shit they would replace you in a second)

What bugs me most about this contest is that I don’t know what I did wrong. Did I fall just short? Did they pick it up, read 2 pages, and then turn it into a baby’s diaper? Actually wait. I submitted this in PDF format. I wouldn’t put it past them though to print out a copy then use it as a baby shit scooper. Boy I’m in a pissy vulgar mood about this fucking shit! Without further ado I present to you the titles of the finalists. To show you and the contest people who think I was not good enough just how creative I am, I have included my own summaries based on the titles of these finalists alone. They’re sure to change their minds after reading this, right?

(Even this baby seems disgusted to be anywhere near my script)

“Aggravated At Large” – Wanda Sykes gets a new television show. This time instead of playing a character named Wanda, she plays a character named Aggravated Jones. And boy is she always ticked off about everything! Overweight too.

“Ballers” – A black high school basketball team in the 1970s and their misadventures dominating the white prep schools. In the pilot episode they somehow end Jim Crowe laws by making a three pointer.

“Boomerang Kids” – Two kids. One Frisbee. One kid dies. Surviving kid gets a boomerang and pretends it is his dead friend’s ghost tossing it back. Surviving kid is admitted to hospital.

“Bored of Ed” – An uneasily amused high school principal hates his job. He complains and whines about it every episode. He never thinks to maybe do something else with his life. His name is also Ed.

“Brew City” – A city made entirely out of beer and beer products. There’s some underlying allegory about how much Americans love alcohol. Nobody cares because fans of the show pass out before Act III each episode.

“Bridges In Beta” – It’s like that Terabithia movie except there are more Greek people.

“Couple of Dudes” – It’s like Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure except there is a third slacker friend so you can tell the difference.

“Death and Mangos” – A mango salesman convinces a small Romanian town that his mangos will give them everlasting life. The joke is on them because the mangos are really deer testicles.

“The Entrepreneur Squad!” – I refuse to acknowledge the existence of anything with the word “squad” in it or ending in an exclamation point. When a title needs to be loud you know it’s lacking in other departments. Just saying.

“The Experts” – Lisa Simpson, Alex from Modern Family, and Charles Darwin team up to form a Justice League type group where they answer trivia questions for fun. They so smart!

“Good People Doing Constructive Things” – A look inside the inner workings of Habitat for Humanity. The humor is comparable to the rape episode of Full House.

“Growing Up Morales” – About the childhood of Colombian Dictator Chipper Morales. Born into poverty, he rose up to completely wipe out nations. His wife is played by Sofia Vergara so there are some laughs at her funny noises and large breasts.

“Here To Stay” – Kyle Fluffer is born with a dead fetus attached to the side of his head. When he goes into the hospital to get it removed on his 18th birthday he finds out removal of the fetus could kill him. Looks like his dead baby brother is here to say!

“Inheritance” – Little Suzy Felcher has sworn off alcohol her entire life because her dad was an abusive alcoholic. After her first sip she becomes addicted. Her life goes to shit. She has inherited the alcoholic gene.

“The Late Bloomer” – A flat-chested woman wakes up one morning with gigantic tits. Suddenly her life changes. Men notice her. She gets a promotion at Walmart. But sometimes she has trouble reaching things and it hurts when she runs.

“Life After Beth” – Richard Greaseball’s first girlfriend Beth is killed in a fire right before prom. Richard had planned on breaking up with her anyway because she was pretty ugly. Looks like Richard can finally be who he wants to be.

“Little League” – I’m not going to make fun of this one as I applaud anyone who can come up with a show about little league baseball that could last more than 3 episodes. But let’s be honest, other than me and the guy who wrote this, nobody would be interested in the least.

“Me and Four A##holes” – It’s cool now to have titles of TV shows with asterisks and abbreviations for swear words in the title. I will not give a scenario for this one either. I think it’s titled this way to get more Twitter hits with the hashtag.

“Mr. Mayor” – Spin City.

“No Class” – A high school bully finds out he has been expelled from school. No longer will he have to go to class. He can drink at home and shoot heroin. There’s an imaginary alien too who says funny things.

“Poker Night” – A group of four homosexual friends get together once a week and listen to Lady Gaga. Watch as they struggle through common gay people problems like losing their pink shirts or having their cable company cancel Bravo.

“Sausage” – Being nude in public is frowned upon in the small town of Tokyo, Japan. But that’s not stopping one flasher. He will stop at nothing until he shows every man, woman, and child his sausage.

“Staff Ass” – Business owner Walt O’Faggot is sued by a liberal agenda for hiring only staff members with oddly shaped asses. His company is called “The Oddly Shaped Ass Company” so the trial goes pretty quickly.

“Teachers’ Lounge” – Boston Public taking place in a different city. Probably whichever one the writer is from or currently living in. Michael Rapaport gets shot, eaten by a shark, and becomes a vegetable in the first episode.

“Those Who Teach” – Really? Another one about schools? Last year I submitted one taking place in a school. What the fuck? Seriously? And this is the year they decide they want shows about school? I fucking hate my life sometimes.