Posts Tagged ‘television’

Joey from Friends is on a show called Episodes. I have not watched it because I think the way Hollywood parades that mongoloid around in the public spotlight is heinous. Let the poor guy live a life as normal as he can!!!

matt-leblanc(Joey actually lasted 46 episodes which means there probably is no God)

I do not want to talk about his television show. I want to talk about other television shows. In particular my favorites from classic shows. These are inspired and include a few statuses I made on Facebook along with some originals.

My favorite episode of Magnum P.I. is when Magnum shaves his mustache for the summer. Everyone makes fun of him and he grows it back. Everyone else in the office tell him it was a good decision.

My favorite episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is the one where the LA Riots spill into Bel-Air and the Banks Family is held hostage for being, as the lead rioter calls them, “Uncle Toms.” Carlton did a lot of dancing in that episode and I like his dancing!

My favorite episode of The Walking Dead is the one where Carl has really bad diarrhea and they have to go out to find diarrhea medicine for him. On their way they have to kill one zombie and there isn’t much action, except in the prison toilet where Carl is bringing upon his own Apocalypse.

My favorite episode of Cheers is the one where the bar is closed for repairs and everyone stays at home watching television.

My favorite episode of Scooby-Doo Where Are You? is when they were going over their plan to trap a zombie pirate and Scooby Doo squatted down to take a big poop and it was really embarrassing for everyone and they made Shaggy pick it up.

My favorite episode Home Improvement is the one where Wilson tells the Taylor Family that the bottom of his face is missing. They don’t believe him and it turns out to not be true; he just has really bad anxiety. Tim uses money he made from Tool Time to send Wilson for counseling. Wilson ends up getting raped in the hospital by Brad because he’s rebellious.

My favorite episode of Everybody Loves Raymond is the one where the older brother hits his head on an airplane ceiling and then dies a few hours later. There was a lot of Billy Mays satire and I found it very timely.

My favorite episode of Parks and Recreation is the one where Leslie Knope realizes she met Ben too late in life and at over 40-years-old she can probably never have a family with him unless they adopt, but they can’t do it because Jerry screws up the paperwork. I liked that one.

My favorite episode of Lost is the flashback of Hurley. We find out that his weight is the reason why the plane crashed at the end which came as a huge shock to me. I was totally not expected them to go in that direction.

My favorite episode of Dexter is the one where he asks his sister for a half-day. Instead of going out to solve a murder though, Dexter catches up on some sleep.

My favorite episode of Seinfeld is the one where Dr. Timothy Whatley played by Bryan Cranston converts to Islam so he doesn’t have to have a sense of humor anymore. The B-story with Kramer on the double-date with the giant was good too.

My favorite episode of The Wire is when everyone has to stay late to finish up paperwork. This was sadly a real episode, but not my favorite.

Anyone else have a favorite episode?

Still running through things I wrote months ago to post it somewhere online, here’s a very bland review I wrote for a website that never ended up existing about the show The United States of Tara.

When it was announced that Juno writer and former stripper Diablo Cody would get her own television show, people were excited. I never lived in a home with Showtime, HBO, or any of those rich people channels so my reaction was pretty neutral. I had heard of her show The United States of Tara, but never really knew anything about it. Based on a recommendation from a friend who said she enjoyed it, I decided to give this show a try.

diablo cody(A stripper with a tattoo of a stripper on her arm. It’s like when Butt-Head said he was going to get a tattoo of a butt on his butt)

Starring Toni Collette of The Sixth Sense fame (I’m such a bum that is the only thing I knew about her) as Tara, The United States of Tara is about a mother and wife with dissociative identity disorder, the polite way of saying “bat shit crazy.” She assumes the roles of three other people. There’s Alice who behaves like a mother from a 1950s television show, T who is a slutty teenage girl with a foul mouth, and Buck who is a beer and gun loving Vietnam veteran.

taraposter2(Totally Photoshopped. Toni Collette’s boobs are not big at all like they look on T. Plus she’s more horse-faced)

The first season is about Tara and her family’s dealings with her disorder. She has a supportive blue collar husband named Max, an occasionally troublesome yet independent daughter named Kate, and a semi-openly gay son named Marshall. Each of her personalities, or alters as they are called in the show, brings differently problems. The family’s job is to love their mother no matter what and to help her solve these issues. What else is family for? Oh right, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.

Another important part in Tara’s life is her sister Charmaine who later on in the series takes on a bigger role. At first she is unsupportive of Tara which seems ridiculous because sisters never disagree about anything! I would know. Both of my sisters hate me.

At times this show can be pretty funny. At other times it can be a little too obsessed with its own worth. During many of the scenes it seemed to me like it was nothing more than Toni Collette showcasing different characters she could play. The character Tara was not only the least interesting despite having this unique disease; she was also one I felt the least empathy for. She reminds me too much of a crazy person telling people she is not crazy. She is crazy. She thinks she’s a Vietnam veteran. She was maybe four when the war happened.

vietnam war(Can you find Toni Collette in this photo?)

The other characters on the show make up for the lack of love I have for Tara. Max shows us what a good husband is. His love for Tara is so unconditional he doesn’t even have sex with her when she transitions into her alters. I feel bad for him at times. He looks reminds me of a defeated man who knows he made a mistake. Patton Oswalt is his best friend though. That’s one thing he has going for him.

My favorite characters on the show however are the children. Kate is constantly having some sort of trouble with someone or somewhere. Her adventures entertained me throughout. From getting her first job and dealing with sexual harassment to making strange videos on the Internet for gifts I fell in love with Kate’s sassy lifestyle. Oh and she’s hot and I hope 18 when this was filmed. Marshall is not too far off either. He’s new to being gay (I hope that didn’t sound intolerant) and watching him fumble through the dating scene is fun to watch. They may be smarter than most kids with wittier dialogue, but there are way too many pieces of them that are genuine to reality.

brie larson(They drink coffee too. I didn’t drink coffee until 4 months ago. Hollywood is energizing our youth!)

I would classify The United States of Tara as a quirky comedy. What else would you expect from Diablo Cody? At times the show can be pretty dark, dealing with subject matter such as rape and molestation. I swear though, it’s pretty much a comedy. The characters are insecure, have awkward moments, and all of this happens while the mother they all love cannot go a day without becoming someone else. Truly this show is about a crazy loving family more than anything else.

The United States of Tara is for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional household and wish there was a camera there to capture the magic that unfolded.

Two of the best channels out there are HBO and Showtime. If you want to argue TLC for the freak factor, I’ll give you that. HBO was the first channel you needed a satellite dish for or something like that. I’m not exactly sure how this all works. It’s been around since the late 1960s or early 1970s in some form though. Showtime has also been around for a long time, 1976 according to briefly looking at the Wikipedia page. In the United States you still have to pay for these exclusively, meaning I have never lived in a home where these channels were accessible. Thanks to things like Netflix and me breaking into neighbor’s homes and watching their televisions when they are out of town, I’ve come to know a lot about these channels and the programming they provide. Both are great, but I have to wonder, which is better?

Point 1: The Programming

HBO has had hits like The Sopranos, Oz, Sex and the City, The Wire, Game of Thrones, and a few other things. Showtime is best known for Weeds, Dexter, Homeland, Dead Like Me, and a bunch of shows about gay people. There’s a very obvious contrast between the programming if you pay attention long enough. HBO has a much more East Coast feel to it. All of the shows I mentioned above take place somewhere in the Northeastern United States. Game of Thrones of course takes place in Montpellier, Vermont; something many fans overlook. Showtime has a more West Coast feel to it, despite not all of the shows being California based. Weeds and Californication are two I know take place in California. Homeland is in D.C. and Dexter is in Miami aka California on a penis. It would be impossible to choose which has better shows so I’m not going to do it.

vern schillinger(Although I’m a little partial to Oz)

Point 2: DVDs

Hands down Showtime is better at DVD sales. I’m basing DVD sales on price. HBO will put around two episodes on a disc sometimes. I’m talking to you Carnivale! Six discs for twelve episodes? Give me a break. The prices of HBO DVDs are also outrageous. Some will run all the way up to around $50. I was interested in buying Eastbound and Down Season One until I realized I would be paying $20 for six episodes. Kenny Powers is great, but he’s not that great. Showtime’s prices are much more reasonable. At least when I go into a Best Buy I don’t immediately skip over them because of the price.

Point 3: Netflix

You may not have noticed this, but very few if any HBO shows are available on Netflix. I’m sure it’s a contract they would have to sign to do this and I think it really limits their audience. Showtime on the other hand puts everything on Netflix. Weeds, Dexter, The United States of Tara, and more are readily available for your viewing pleasure or viewing hatred. I’m including hatred here because I don’t think you’ll enjoy everything.

dexter-season-6(Americans, we love our gore and our bothered by our morals getting questioned without it)

Point 4: Mary-Louise Parker

Mary-Louise Parker is too old to have my babies. That’s a shame because I think we would make cute ones. On HBO she only got to star in a miniseries Angels in America where she did get to go full frontal nude. However, on Weeds broadcasted on Showtime she gets to have her own TV show where we get to see her naked quite a bit in the middle few seasons. If nudity isn’t your thing, she has some cute outfits.

mary louise parker(Even in prison she’s incredibly adorable)

Point 5: Sex and Violence

Showtime is probably better at sex than HBO is. Showtime gives us a naked Mary-Louise Parker, Californication, Michael C. Hall’s upper body, and Big Brother after dark which I have heard is just everyone spreading STDs. HBO is the one you should turn to for the violence. The Sopranos, Oz, and The Wire alone are enough to satisfy your blood-thirsty needs. HBO also seems to show a lot more penis than Showtime. Just letting you know that I have realized this.

Omar-The-Wire-shotgun-1pvbyw9(Since The Wire was on HBO it’s “Omar coming” not like if it was on Showtime where it would be “Omar cumming.”

Point 6: Sports and Comedy

I’m not sure if Showtime does anything special for sports or comedy and I know for a fact HBO does it and they do it very well. From boxing matches, to uncensored shows following a hockey team around, to awesome stand-up comedy specials, HBO does it all. I’m sure Showtime would do it well too if given the chance. It’s like how I always tell girls on the street that I’d be a great boyfriend if they would just let me. It’s usually at that point they get to the final “1” in 911 and I have to run for my freedom.

louisckhboPOST(Can Louis CK communicate if he’s holding something in both hands?)

Which Network do you prefer?

I have been watching a lot of TV lately. Not necessarily on a TV. Like the Harvey Danger song, I don’t own a TV. I did spend a few days at my dad’s though and he has TV. The only thing he ever watches is Army Wives on Lifetime. He’s seen every episode except for one because the cramps his PMS was giving him hurt too bad to pay attention.

The first thing I actually watched was at home. I broke down and signed up for Netflix because I watched everything on YouTube I could ever watch. I caught up on Weeds and now I have to wait a few more months for the final season to show up on Netflix to find out what happens to the world’s worst mother. Granted, I would much rather watch Mary Louise Parker have her hair pulled during sex with a bartender than I would see her show up at a PTA meeting. Watching Weeds always makes me wish I was Uncle Andy. He does absolutely nothing with his life and yet has so many adventures. The only woe in his life is that Mary Louise Parker will not have sex with him. Andy annoyed me when her first entered the Botwin household but in later seasons he has proven himself to be a more relatable loser. I would love to be a bike tour guide in Copenhagen. Andy got to do this for three years. Why is fiction better than reality?

andy botwin

(It’s a shame his animal practice didn’t work out. Only the three people in the world who watched Animal Practice will even notice the connection)

Once I got to my dad’s I stopped with Netflix and focused on whatever was on the boob tube. The first thing I watched was WWE Monday Night Raw which was the first time in almost a year I’ve actually watched on TV. It was as disappointing as I remembered. The next morning I watched an episode of Victorious, you know, for research for Kidz Showz then the Guy Pearce movie Ravenous. Ravenous is one of those movies from the 90s that I remember the advertisements for yet never saw. It was decent and like all horror movies went downhill in the final act. I was watching the edited version too and I think I missed the pedophile from Ferris Bueller’s Day off getting killed in full.

My week continued with watching television while I sat on the couch with my laptop trying to write and occasionally having his dog try biting my finger. By the end of the week the energetic puppy was passing out earlier than he ever does and unable to wake up in the mornings. I wore the little guy out, almost entirely from chasing him around a coffee table.

buddy 3

(This is from another time I spent with the dog, but he refused to wear his coat this time around and I wanted to include at least one picture of a dog in a coat here)

The majority of my television watching was going back and forth between Chiller and FearNet. These channels are mostly horror themed. One had some great syndicated shows on during the day while the other had good movies on at night. The only film in particular I remember watching was Southland Tales. I was one of 5 people to see it in theaters, those 5 people being in the theater I saw it in. It was the guy who did Donnie Darko’s follow-up which means it was strange. I kind of liked it even though I didn’t understand much. I like The Rock, Sean William Scott, and Sara Michelle Gellar so maybe I’m bias. It’s a complicated film. Cheri Oteri also looks kind of hot in it which they need some credit for.

(Somehow this was a very important part to understanding the film. It’s okay if you’re confused)

During the day while my dad and his girlfriend were at work I continued my anthology of television watching. Shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, and other stuff made occupied my background noise while I stuffed my face with snacks all day long. The only time I felt like I was having a heart attack from the poor diet was when I was eating tuna. Seriously? The one food I’m used to eating makes me pound on my chest to make sure I don’t collapse on the ground. I’m not sure what kind of a cruel joke this is by God, but it is certainly a mean one.

The only actually film away from television I watched was pretty early on during my stay. With my dad I watched his favorite movie, Carny. This came out in 1980 and stars Gary Busey as a dunk tank clown and Jodie Foster as a runaway. Gary Busey is surprisingly not too creepy in it. My dad has a strange obsession with carnivals and freak shows. Later on in the week we watched episodes of the AMC show Freak Show, then the show about taxidermy, and then the comic book show that comes on after. We were mostly annoyed and he went to bed.

carny

(Gary Busey as the clown, Jodie Foster as the whore, and some guy who looks like Bill Hicks that my dad seemed fond of)

I also watched a few James Bond movies on G4 during the week only to realize how much James Bond movies suck. They’re very boring and the characters are too silly. I say this with Odd Job being a great character in my mind too.

I returned home now without cable and only the radio to provide background noise for me at all times. I went back to Netflix to watch Wilfred and realize I had just lived the show. I spent a week sitting around with a dog not really accomplishing much. The only thing missing was my dad’s dog does not smoke pot or have an Australian accent. Buddy the Dog chooses to do heroin and he has an Indian accent. This is much different than Wilfred.

While Lily was away this week awaiting trial for her involvement in a major United States Government cover-up, the blog simply known as Kidz Showz marched on. Here’s what you missed.

Boy Meets World where Lily talks about the show everyone I knew loved and I was never allowed to watch because Fred Savage’s face was too offensive.

Zoom where I talk about the unbeloved children’s program which considering it was on PBS, was brought to me by viewers like you. Thank you.

Spider-Man: The Animated Series where I talk about one of my favorite cartoons of my youth and show you how cruel my parents could be on Christmas.

Next week we look to start posting our first guest posts. You’re all of course welcome to it. All you have to do is put your lips together and blow to get in touch. Or say Beetlejuice 3 times. Yeah, I’m him.

I decided Fridays will be my day where I update you on what’s going on at the other blog I do. I don’t expect you to read every single thing I do, but in these posts I will serve up a reminder to you on the shows I have been writing about. You can also read Lily’s things too since we’re not super competitive or anything like that.

So far I have written pieces called

Batman: The Animated Series

The Adventures of Pete & Pete

Hannah Montana

Funny thing about the Pete & Pete one. I check my email at 4 in the morning because I had just had a bad dream about Michael Jordan getting paralyzed. I had a new Twitter follower, what appears to be the band Polaris. They did the theme song for Pete & Pete. I check their Twitter later on and they’ve somehow found the blog post. They called it nice. I’m not sure how they found it but they did. Pretty awesome and flattering to know someone out there is searching for me.

https://twitter.com/TheBandPolaris

The television industry term for a script that nobody cares about is “spec script.” Spec stands for speculation as in you write it completely on speculation that one day someone will come asking for it. No one ever does come ask for it. Your speculations were completely wrong. A lot of the time these scripts are written based on pre-existing television programs. This way the interns pretending to be high level executives reading these scripts don’t have to waste their time with your idea you think is completely original yet totally sucks. Today, I reveal to the public two different spec scripts I have written. They’re so incredibly not good that I’m willing to put them up on my blog and let them never get me anywhere.

Back in February I entered a writing contest. No, not this contest. I lost that one a while ago. This was another contest where I would basically get a job for a year making $50,000 (that’s about half what I’ve made in my entire life total) and have young actresses getting topless for the chance to touch my typing fingers. Well, they said they would contact the finalists by the end of August. I checked my calendar today and we’re already a few days into September. I emailed them a few times asking what gives. I’ve called them too and sent a few death threats to the judges’ homes demanding a recount. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact I am once again a loser. I did not think I would really win this contest. They wanted people who weren’t white or male or straight. You know, because every great television show in the world was created by a bicurious Japanese woman.

(“I write Big Bang Theory. You like Sheldon? I write ten joke of his.” – yeah right)

It also probably didn’t help that the main joke in my spec script centered around the N-Word. Although this contest would have me basically interning for money at a studio specializing in children’s programming, they said your scripts could still be adult oriented. What I submitted was a Modern Family episode I began writing about a year ago after watching 3 episodes of the show. It took me about 5 months to get “perfect” and off it went a week before the deadline. If you happen to be curious to read it ask me and I will send it to you (you won’t be). If you happen to be interested in any of the “original” things I have written (you REALLY won’t be) I’d be willing to let you take a gander at those as well. But for now I am only adding two things publicly because they are so incredibly out of date to the show and I would at least like someone somewhere to get some enjoyment out of the painstaking, gut-wrenching, thousands of hours I put into these works that would be better off heating the homeless.

(This family is so poor the girl on the left doesn’t even have the most up to date style of boots. I feel bad for these folks. They’re too stupid to get a $1 Megabus ticket somewhere warm)

The two episodes I present to you are from the television program Community. If you have never seen the show then well you might not understand a damn thing. If you have then you still might not understand a damn thing and if that’s the case I know what my problem is. Below are the two episodes along with a quick description for each apologizing for all the inaccuracies that have since occurred.

Community-Talent Show Final Draft WordPress

This was the first spec I wrote with success. It took me 10 tries of completely starting over again and such to finally get something I was happy with. I wrote it after only seeing the first season of the show so that’s why Shirley has a completely made up boyfriend and everything about her is probably wrong. I saw none of the third season so Omar from the Wire and John Goodman’s characters will not be found anywhere near this.

Community-End of the World WordPress (It’s really called “End of the World Survival Skills and Party Planning”)

The more I read this one the more I hate it. It connects well but it also seems like too much is happening. Plus Jeff’s character is completely off and says or behaves in ways he would normally not. For some reason he’s a complete wimp here. I think everything else is pretty accurate but again I wrote this without seeing 1/3 of the show.

Do you have anything you have worked hard at that will never get any credit? If you do, send it my way. I would like to plug it in a future blog post if you would allow me to do so. Music, art, something you’ve written, anything you desire. The only way to have something appreciated is to let as many people as you can see it. That’s the same way you find out if you suck or not.