Posts Tagged ‘thanksgiving’

I’m not a big fan of comedies from the 1980s. Some people love them. Some people also die and it’s like “Oh okay well that was a little shocking. I have no opinion on this.”

As yesterday was Thanksgiving, I felt the need to watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles since it’s the only Thanksgiving movie in existence. I laughed maybe two or three times. That said, it was an enjoyable movie and although I didn’t laugh I found it very entertaining.

ptaa

(Okay guys, don’t laugh too hard. One of you is dead and the other has looked near death since the 1970s. Did Steve Martin ever not have grey Cal Ripken Jr. hair?)

I have ventured out and watched other comedies from the 1980s before. In general, they’ve been awful. The one I immediately think of is Trading Places. What was with that one part when they’re in the tennis club and the jocks (who are actually really dorky looking) begin to serenade their girlfriends in a 40-minute scene? Yes, 40 minutes of this movie is one scene of gross men in short shorts singing.

Okay so that’s an exaggeration. Like when someone tells you they will love you forever. The point is, Trading Places was ridiculously unfunny as are most comedies from the 1980s.

This may result in the removal of my testicles however I am willing to say it. John Hughes made some of the funniest movies in the decade. I don’t particularly like any of his Molly Ringworm films, but the ones like PTaA (that’s what huge fans of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles call it because most big fans of the movie are going to die soon and need to save time) are pretty good. Ferris Bueller Skips School, Strange Science, and although it was in the 1990s Home without the Parents starring Macauley Cokehead were all very entertaining. I’m not sure how laugh out loud funny any would be to me now. They still remain classics and ones I can appreciate.

In addition to the JH films (that’s what huge fans of John Hughes call him because most big fans of his movies are going to die soon and need to save time) I like the Zucker Brothers so don’t go thinking teen angst is my favorite genre of funny movie. I would much rather watch an inept cop like Frank Drebin.

I have similar opinions about comedies from the 1970s. I never understood why Blazing Saddles was funny. Caddyshack never made me laugh. Apocalypse Now has its humorous moments, but it’s too hard to take Marlon Brando seriously even in a parody film such as this.

The biggest difference I notice from comedies of the 1980s and 1990s/2000s is the 1980s seemed more influenced by the English. The situation was what was funny. Today especially, everyone needs to be snarky and make each other laugh in the film for it to be considered funny. I prefer somewhere in the middle, particularly when they don’t seem to be trying to make anyone laugh. It’s kind of like how the sexiest people don’t even need to try to be sexy: we just are.

While everyone else gives thanks today I decided I would do something different. A scene from Breaking Bad based around giving thanks popped into my head so I decided to write it up. If you haven’t seen the show consider yourself dead to me. But really, you probably won’t understand anything although you may find something to appreciate about it, hopefully? Anyway, this scene takes place sometime in the next season. If you’ve seen the show then you can pretty much fill in some blanks as to what may have happened beforehand. I warn you, don’t read if you are not caught up because it’s centered around how the previous season ends. Enjoy and have a Happy Thanksgiving whether you’re thankful or grateful. You’ll get what I mean by that once you read my 6 page masterpiece.

Breaking Bad Thanksgiving Scene by Tim Boyle

Happy Thanksgiving!

One band that gets too much credit is The Doors. They are remembered as being so amazing. I wasn’t alive back when they were together. I’m not an old hag, like you. Why are you dressed like that? You’re not 16! On that same note, why are 16 year olds wearing shirts with Jim Morrison on them? First off, I don’t like seeing men’s nipples. Jim Morrison was always shirtless. I give him credit, for a drunk who pranced around and was fortunate enough to have a nice voice, he never really let himself go and get fat. I thought drinking beer made you fat. Another government lie. The show Manswers proved that it doesn’t make you fat. They know everything that a man wants to know. Unless your thought process goes further than beer, boobs, and beating your wife. Spike TV, for men who slug their wives then eat pork grinds.

(Jim Morrison clearly not in a cold room)

Did you know that The Doors didn’t even have a bass player? How do you call yourself a band without a bass player? Even Hannah Montana has a bass player. And she’s two people. I know Morrison had his alter ego Mr. Mojo Rising. He didn’t go to the trouble of wearing a blonde wig to try to fool his fans and that’s why Billy Ray’s daughter gets the nod in this feud.

They do have a few songs that I like. You know, the ones that don’t sound like them. Morrison was a poet first and foremost. At least, that’s what I learned from the movie about his life. He also looked a lot like Val Kilmer. “The End” is a great song. It’s about 18 minutes too long, but I remember listening to it on the radio while driving in a snow storm a few years ago. I felt like I was going to die and this would have been the perfect song to go out to. I didn’t and now I have to fear dying to something less poetic like a new Daughtry hit. Do the songs he comes out with count as hits? I usually hit my face into the steering wheel and question God when I hear it. Not sure if that counts.

Also, you’re not cool if you know who The Doors are. They’re mainstream. There’s been a movie about them, a professional wrestler who uses a Jim Morrison gimmick, and they always have lots of shirts at Hot Topic. There are plenty of other great older bands that you can check out. Don’t lock yourself into this one because “my dad liked it” or “you love the keyboard chorus” or “your first ass licking session took place with LA Woman on the radio.” Who eats ass with the radio on? Come on!

But none of that is what I wanted to discuss. Sorry for wasting your time. I wanted to talk about doors in general. You know, those barricades for neighbors. I once heard a woman say “Doors are bad. We should let our neighbors in. Not keep them out.” This statement led her to taking away the doors to her home. Soon after she had her home broken into, all of her items taken, and she died of the draft of cold air that had previously been blocked by the door. A sad story. If you don’t believe me, look it up on the Internet. You’re already there, lazy.

I always hold doors open for strangers. For girls and the elderly, I always will go out of my way for them. Even guys sometimes. Does that make me bisexual? And because I do it for the elderly, does that make me a necrophiliac?

It’s a popular opinion to dislike those who do not hold open doors for others. I feel no ill will for those people. They’re in a rush. You have two arms. You could easily open that door just as easy. And when the doors slam into your face and break your nose, remember, broken noses eventually heal. Quit complaining about those busy men and women who are too important to be kind and hold open the doors. If the store wanted them holding open doors for strangers, they would get automatic doors.

And that my readers is what I want to point out. Automatic doors are the most laziest, germaphobic, laziest, self-important, laziest reason why people in the third world hate us. I don’t see what’s wrong with having one of those cowboy doors. The saloon ones that you can walk into and they open. I love those doors! I want to live in a home with them one day. It’ll make me feel like Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, or Emilio Estevez. Emilio was in Young Guns after-all. He counts as a cowboy.

(Ledger might have broken the backs of mountains, but Estevez broke the box office with his cowboy portrayal)

The only real reason for writing all of this was an experience I had recently. I was holding a door open after exiting a train. The man behind me decided that it be better that he use the adjacent door than the one that I had been holding. It was annoying. Here I was, standing like a helpful ass, signaling for him to enter the same passageway as myself. He chose not to. I let go of my door and continued on. Perhaps he’s a reverse feminist where he gets offended by men holding doors open for other men. That’s my theory at least.

“When one door closes, lock it. This is a bad neighborhood.” – Motivational Phrase about moving on

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving to my America friends, thanks for the religious persecution to my English friends, and for those of you not from America or England, you are not my friend.

(Slumdog Millionaire Kid, an enemy of mine)