Posts Tagged ‘thomas edison’

Inventor of the “N-Word” Upset over Lack of Royalties

Modern American society has made the “N-Word” a dirty one to use. When inventor of the original word Earl Patterson first coined the word in 1845 during a card game, he immediately realized he had struck oil.

“I was onto something. It just came out of my mouth and felt right,” said Patterson. “Me and the boys [other racist gold miners] always needed some word to use and I came up with it all on my own.”

Like many other inventors, Patterson began to receive royalty checks from the United States Government for coming up with such a useful term at the time. Patterson had a trademark and used his new word to help him get endorsement deals with the Kellog’s Company, the second K in the notorious group the KKK.

“Life was easy after that. I quit my job and started doing advertisements. My grandchildren’s children would be set as long as someone didn’t come around to ruin it.”

Someone did come around to ruin it. Patterson who had been receiving one gold coin each time anyone ever uttered the actual full “n-word” had of all people Thomas Edison after his fortune.

“I knew Edison was a dick and all. Everybody did. He was named after a crappy town in Jersey. How could he not suck?” said Patterson.

Thomas Edison, best known for being a thieving dick, saw he could not simply steal the paten Patterson had on the word. Instead Edison made it so usage of the actual word would be seen as intolerant and bad. Edison then paid for the rights to the shortened and edited version, “n-word.” After successfully seizing up the rights to the loophole in using a derogatory word, Edison began receiving more checks than Patterson.

“Nobody wants to get called a racist anymore,” said Patterson. “They are more likely to say Edison’s version than mine.”

Patterson attempted to have lawyers contact Edison to work out a deal where they could share both words since they essentially mean the same thing and one is not more racist than the other when you really think about it and what should really matter is context more than anything else. Edison did not respond to any of Patterson’s inquiries. Since 1931, Thomas Edison has been M.I.A. to the public, Missing In being Alive.

A spokesperson for Edison, his great-grandson Trevor Edison, said that Edison never intended to screw over Patterson. Thomas Edison’s only intent was to make as much money as possible and project a much cuter image than the truth to his name.

As far as the claim that Patterson is a racist goes, he had this to say–

“Yes I am a racist. I grew up in the 1800s. Everyone from that era hated black people and I found a way for the hate to be a little less violent. Do I feel bad about it? Sure. But don’t judge me on this one achievement. All I did was come up with a word that we have all used at least once with our car windows rolled up.”

Georg Albert Bruetsch, about 1900.(Earl Patterson, inventor of the N-Word)

Two people have told me in my lifetime that I give off a strong sexual vibe. One person was drunk and the other I’m making up. I guess you could say though if someone gives off good enough sexual vibes then people wouldn’t be going up and telling them. To give off truly good vibes the people will become hypnotized. They will not even realize they are under your spell. So for argument’s sake, I am awesome at giving off sexual vibes. Today, I teach you on how to follow in my footsteps.

1) Straddling

I am always straddling things. By straddling I mean placing my feet on opposite sides of an item. These items include and are not limited to library catalogue drawers, dog poo, dead friends, a defeated enemy, or spilt food. Straddling something sends off the sexual vibe that you’re dominant and in charge. Try straddling on whatever you can for a day. If you do it right then girls will be so intimidated by your straddling that they will call you “the weird guy who humps everything.” You know you’ve made it into a girl’s heart once she has a nickname for you.

(A perfect straddling example. Legs are open, feet are firmly placed down, and the item she’s sitting on is phallic shaped. Too bad the cannon isn’t white)

2) Leg Flexibility

There was a part in the new Batman movie where Anne Hathaway gets off her motorcycle thing. Instead of clumsily rolling off like unsexy people would do, she carefully stretches her leg over top the front and brings her feet together. In olden days hip flexibility was seen as a sign you might be divine. Jesus did ass-to-grass squats every day of his life he has such great mobility. It doesn’t matter which way you bend your legs, as long as you’re twisting them around people will take notice. They’ll want to be strangled with your legs if you do this properly.

(A girl told me when Princess Diaries was popular that she liked Anne Hathaway because she would never be naked in a movie. I want to tell her to rent Love & Other Drugs. It made me a fan of hers)

3) Use Your Legs Like Arms

Similar to the above yet somewhat differently, the legs are very important to sending out sexual vibes. The legs are the largest sex organ we have. Of course someone reading this probably has abnormally large ears and is missing their legs so that person may skip over the sentence you just read. I use my legs to do a lot of things my hands could do. I open doors, close doors, move heavy objects, and punch with my legs. Some may argue punching with your legs is called a kick. I disagree. Kicking is what you do in sports. There are no sports involving punching.

(It’s not a punch, it’s a fist kick)

4) Play With Your Hair

You can use your hands or if your hair is long enough simply throw it back like you have a spider crawling along your scalp. Both men and women enjoy seeing members of the opposite sex touch their hair. I never got girls who were into men with shaved heads. Can’t they just date a newborn baby? At least a newborn baby won’t play video games all day long. I’m sure they would but they haven’t developed the motor skills yet. I always know a girl is feeling my vibes when she begins playing with her hair. Sometimes she begins to chew it and that’s when I know to back off.

(She’s clearly way too young to be playing with her hair. Wait a few more years sweetheart. Don’t pretend you’re Abe Lincoln when you do it)

5) Point With Your Crotch

The other day a man asked me for directions to the children’s hospital as his son sat in the backseat bleeding out the ears. Instead of pointing which way to go like a cold fish, I thrusted my hips westward. I pointed with my crotch. This is very simple logic. Go to the mall and point at someone ugly. Suddenly everyone in the mall will see you pointing. Their focus will go onto what you’re pointing at and what is doing the pointing. If you point with your crotch then your crotch begins to get some attention. Men should always walk with their hips forward. This is something I have read from pick-up artists. I think it has something to do with how you will probably bump into a lot of people and if you’re going to bump into them you mine as well grind against them when you do. The next time someone asks you where the fire is, be sure to point with your crotch. You might get a cute fireman’s phone number out of it.

(The Pope points with his finger and I point with my crotch. Who do you think gets more chicks? Whose advice are you going to take? His? You’re just feeling guilty today is all)

What are some other things we can do to send off a sexual vibe? Don’t say rape. That’s behaving too forward.