Posts Tagged ‘tia and tamara’

Here’s the review I wrote for that website that never ended up existing for the film The Illusionist, but not really because the movie was so bad I stopped paying attention.

Review of The Illusionist (but not really)

The Illusionist is a terrible movie with Ed Norton not as a modern-day person mixed up with the wrong people, Paul Giamatti not doing a funny enough voice, and Jessica Biel not wearing a bikini. Skip this movie and instead watch a much better movie about magicians, The Prestige.


You may have to actually venture out your door to get a copy of The Prestige, but trust me it’s worth it. In my opinion this is far superior to any of Christopher Nolan’s other films. The Batman movies take multiple viewings to understand and Inception takes multiple viewings, reading the script, reading numerous forums online, talking to the director, and then taking a wild guess what it means to fully comprehend. The Prestige is different and it still manages to fuck with your mind.

The Prestige takes place sometime when men pretend women have equal rights and there are no black people anywhere to be seen. I think it’s around 1900. Either way, it stars Christian Bale as Alfred Borden and Hugh Jackman as Robert Angier. They are magicians who work together until a fatal accident causes them to go their separate ways. It is because of this mistake the two go about exacting revenge on each other in both violent and show business ways. Yes, there’s a slight difference.

prestige(They were friends and then they weren’t. They’re like me and that kid who farted  me in 10th grade Spanish class)

Are you seriously not convinced how awesome this movie is yet? There’s magic, former friends attempting to ruin the other’s life, and magic. Oh, Scarlett Johansson is in it too. Not into chicks or the two stars Bale and Jackman? I see, you like androgynous people. You’re in luck. David Bowie plays legendary scientist Nikola Tesla. Take some time to clean the stain in the front of your pants you nerds. Change your underpants, and then continue reading.

ron swanson(David Bowie looks way too much like Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation here for me to ever take this movie seriously again)

Much of the film is told through diary entries as Borden and Angier steal each other’s magic journals trying to figure out how the other accomplishes their greatest tricks. There are plot twists out the wazoo. I think wazoo is Yiddish for vagina so you should want to see this movie even more.

The “present day” part of the film involved Borden on death row for killing Angier. This is not a spoiler as this is how the film starts. Told through flashbacks in a totally non-annoying way, we find out what looked obvious is not so.

Angier spends much of the film traveling to visit Tesla about a machine he has that can supposedly do “real magic.” While he’s off doing that and destroying any personal relationships he has with anyone, Borden is becoming a regular Criss Angel minus the me wanting to wake up and see “Criss Angel dead” on the top Yahoo searches. Both of their tricks involve making something disappear then reappear somewhere else. It’s called The Transported Man and may indeed be one of the greatest magic tricks ever.

scarlett(I had to include a picture of Scarlett Johansson somewhere)

The quote on the DVD case for this is “As soon as it’s over you’ll want to watch it again.” I’m not sure who said this quote as I leant the film to a friend who may or may not have traded it for drugs. I’ve watched it a few times already and would be willing to put more money into Christopher Nolan’s pockets by paying for a new copy. It’s just that good. I would be willing to buy two copies of it. I have never bought two of anything. It probably has something to do with growing up missing a leg.

Skip watching the incredibly boring film The Illusionist and instead watch The Prestige. It’s the newest movie I own which not only says how stubborn I am with movies, but also how great this one really is. Venture out from your caves and buy a copy as soon as you can. If you don’t like it then I honestly hope something bad happens to you today, tomorrow, not the next day so you think life is improving, and then something bad every day after that for the rest of your miserable bad taste in movie life.

Allow me to play the Devil’s Advocate here for a moment. Yes, the Aryan Brotherhood are pretty scummy. I get it. But we thought the same thing about the first person we ever dated. We saw them and thought “I would never date him/her/it. They’re so gross!” You can’t judge a book by its cover. Even if that cover is full of swastika tattoos, pure white skin, and a head shaved with a knife.

I began to read a book about the Aryan Brotherhood and other secret societies. It was quite a boring book. I haven’t touched it in a year and it still sits on my shelf waiting to be finished. It’s a tough book to read. Lots of facts in it. There are also Klansmen on the cover. It’s kind of rough to bring on a train with me. I’ll have to explain at every stop that it isn’t a doctrine of life advice, just a story about history. There was a chapter about the Aryan Brotherhood. I read it and that makes me qualified to know a lot about them. If you’re in the A.B. and I get something wrong, please let me know. This is nowhere for you to hide your shame.

Brothers always get along. Unless they’re Aryan Brothers. What could possibly be good about the Aryan Brotherhood? First, you will need to know that they are not actually brothers. No, they’re not two pesky boys causing trouble like some people might think. In fact, someone has thought that. I know for a fact that they thought it. Can you imagine how bad of a mother they must have if all of her sons turned into violent racist rednecks? When they call each other “brother” it’s no different from if I called a buddy my “bro.” Well, it is different. I never go out with my “bros” and commit hate crimes. At least not race based ones. A few teachers have had to suffer our wrath. That’s what they get for scheduling a pop quiz on a Friday!

A good thing that the A.B. does is smash windows. You might be thinking that’s a bad thing. You’re wrong. Windows are so inconvenient. I mean they’re always in the way of the outside. Whenever you need a pie to cool on a window sill you need to open a window to do it. Not when the Aryans are around. They’ll smash that window with a rock in the middle of the night. Pie cooling has never been easier. Windows are also bothersome in the way that they are always getting dirty. They’re like my butt only more birds fly into it them and die. The A.B. should probably ask more before smashing windows. I can see how that might annoy some people. But with the bad rap they’ve got, they’re probably too shy to come over and ask if your window needs smashing. It’s our own faults really.

The A.B. gives white guys in prison a place to assimilate into. I’m not that worried about going to prison. I’m such a coward I’m afraid parking more than 6 inches away from the curb will cause a police beating. If I do find myself in prison though, the A.B. is the only place I’d belong. The Latinos wouldn’t like me because I can’t do a Rosie Perez impression and the blacks would hate me because I double dribble too much. I’d cost them the big prison versus guards basketball game with too much traveling. The A.B. is the only other place for me to go. I’d have to become a prag (prison bitch). There is no doubt about that. I imagine the biggest meanest Aryan would have me doing things that I never thought I’d have to do for the chance to use toilet paper. Surviving prison is vital. I won’t be able to do it without a little help from the good people in the Aryan Brotherhood.

Muscle shirts are an institution of America. It’s one of the last businesses that haven’t outsourced to other countries. Most likely because other countries cannot afford enough to eat to build the kind of muscles that look good in a muscle shirt. Aryans always wear muscle shirts. Even the stick armed ones do it. It’s their calling card. Their uniform. Aren’t we always taught to respect a man in uniform? They’re helping out the economy too. The economy, the thing that affects us all so much. If the economy sucks then I can’t afford important things like hair gel or novelty key chains. Thanks to the Aryans, I can spend my money on the essentials.

You may still not be convinced. That’s fine. That was never my intention. I merely wanted you to rethink your judgment of the Brothers Aryan. I would never willingly join the group, as great as they sound. I can’t deal with short hair year round. Don’t they get cold in the winter? Colorado must have a weak A.B. At least the KKK get Pope hats. They’re probably too hot though, hiding under those curtains. There’s no winning when it comes to joining a racist organization.