Posts Tagged ‘toys’

What do stamps, books, and sexually transmitted diseases all have in common? You guessed it, they’re all nouns. Besides that, they’re also things that can be collected. And that’s today’s topic, collectibles. Those useless items we can’t get enough of that end up where they probably belonged in the first place, in a pit of fire.

The 1980s and 1990s really created the huge collections crazes. People finally had money although they would often complain that they didn’t. But before that you could really only collect coins. I have a coin collection. Two actually. Maybe three if you count my quarters I’m saving up for laundry. One of them is also loose change so I guess that’s not so much a collection as it is an errand I have to run. But my actual coin collection was given to me by my dad. I’m sure he forgot. There’s not much and I’m sure it’s worth a ham. People used to collect coins because they would say one day they’d be worth more. Like with those state quarters which are worth more than 25 cents yet nobody ever can get a sandwich with 2 Delawares and a Nevada. Collecting coins is silly. All it means is that you had money stashed away that nobody ends up using. Who even puts a buffalo head on a coin? So stupid! I’m getting myself a pack of Skittles with that next chance I get.

(He’s got a cane and isn’t flinching with a hawk that close to his face. Clearly John Muir was a blind man)

Stuffed animals were the first big collection. I give credit to Cabbage Patch Kids. They made ugly children trendy. I don’t think you could find the creepiest pedophile in the world who would fuck a Cabbage Patch Kid. Those things look like Down Syndrome Vincent D’Onofrios. Have you ever seen such a flat face on something? I know you’re supposed to be able to find the beauty in every living thing, but luckily these things were never living. I don’t know what kids used to look like back when those were made but Jesus Christ! Why are most dolls so incredibly ugly? Even the blow-up dolls are unattractive. What if you just want to have a conversation with one? Assuming all prostitutes do is have sex is wrong. Fuck you sex toy industry. You have made a mockery of a once prestigious hobby.

(Do these things know wizardry? She’s not gripping it yet the cake stays afloat. Cabbage Patch Kids should be drowned)

The big collections I remember from the 1990s were Beanie Babies and Furbies. These weren’t quite stuffed animals. The Beanie Babies were filled with beans (which sounds tasty) and the Furbies were filled with Japanese robot parts (possibly as tasty). I had a few Beanie Babies. Go ahead, laugh it up. But I’ll be the one on top of the world once all of them retire. That was my favorite thing about them, they would retire. How does something that sits and does nothing but take up space retire? Next thing you know we’ll be collecting United States Senators. Ouch! Burn! My sister had a Furby. I think she won it at a boardwalk. Amazing how crazy girls will go for a talking Gremlin. You’d think because of that I would have had more dates in middle school. I was short, fat, and hairy. The spitting image of one of those dumb furry birds who always ended up being named Coco.

(Me back in high school. Don’t mind the black or stoner lips. I was going through a goth phase)

The other big collection of my childhood were Pokemon Cards. I hated those motherfuckers. I remember going out onto the baseball field at school and writing “Pokemon Sucks” in the dirt with my friend who saw me pee one time. A lesbian who I had a crush on came over and saw it (not me peeing, the Pokemon Blasphemy) and erased it with her dyke foot. Eventually I had to give in and purchased a few Pokemon cards once it was dying down. I was jumping on the collecting cards of dumb Japanese animals while my peers were jumping on the bandwagon of kissing girls. But the joke is on them once again. Their girlfriends can’t upgrade from a mere Squirtle into whatever a bigger Squirtle was. Can you tell I know nothing about Pokemon? Wasn’t one a shoe?

(I was right!)

Other collections invaded my life over the years. Things like Pogs, Crazy Bones, stickers, and a few others came and went. My biggest collection ever though was baseball memorabilia. I could write a book on this subject but I always stop after one page because nobody wants to read a book about me calling Pat Burrell an asshole every 2 pages. I know, who? I still have everything that I managed to collect. Most of it is in my front closet. I have a couple hundred thousand baseball cards, game-used equipment either bought or handed to me by nobodies, and a lot of baseballs. Really, I could drop the baseballs on your head one by one and you would eventually die I have so many. I don’t know what the most impressive things I own are. Only one thing graces my refrigerator (that’s where I keep the good shit I own). It’s a baseball card of Billy Ripken. You know, Cal Ripken Jr.’s more famous brother who once played in 2 consecutive games. On the knob of the bat, unbeknownst to him, written in black Sharpie the words “fuck face.” A teammate thought it would be a fun prank. I own that card! That’s mine and not yours. There are a bunch more out there but that’s the most interesting thing I own that might mean anything to you. Unless you’re a fan of letters from Bob Tewksbury. Then have I got a story for you!

(It’s impossible to read, but trust me. That black Sharpie beneath his hand says “fuck face” on it. Look at his face. Isn’t he one?)

No longer do I collect anything. I don’t have enough disposable income to buy things to stare at. That’s more of a kid or a mid-life crisis thing to do anyway. I think everyone should have a collection at some point in their lives. Don’t go overboard like me and have it basically become your life though. Or do. I had great times collecting stuff. All I’m trying to say here is all things in moderation. And don’t collect stupid shit. If it requires a battery and hasn’t been around for at least 10 years, you’re probably wasting your time. It’s not going to be worth more in the future. Has anyone who wasn’t a child murderer ever really wanted a Pez dispenser?

Children love them. No I’m not talking about mass murders. Why would you think that? If anyone hates mass murders it would be children. Children are the one group of people who actually enjoy traffic. It gives them a longer amount of time to play their Gameboys or poke their sisters in the ear with their fingers. Rarely are children killed in mass. I don’t know why. It’s pretty easy to kill a kid. They strangle themselves with the chords on the blinds. How do you manage that? Kids are so fucking stupid. No wonder they love stickers so much.

I used to enjoy stickers. I enjoyed how you could place them on anything. I could take a sticker of a unicorn and stick it on an important document that it didn’t belong on. I remember in high school using blank stickers and writing bad words on them. I would stick them on cafeteria tables. They were removable which meant this caused little inconvenience. Now as I’m older stickers fly under my radar. No longer are they fun or something I ever think about needing. Stickers are like the problems in Africa to me. I know they exist but there’s nothing I can really do with or about them.

(This man, no different from the sticker on my windshield saying my car didn’t pass inspection)

Sometimes children are rewarded with stickers. I always thought that was a crappy prize. Even when I was a sticker kid I knew how lame that was. You did good kid, here, have a little piece of paper that you can place on another piece of paper. Then you have a paper covered in stickers. What do you do with that besides look at it once then throw it away? Sticker collages are no fun. It’s an excuse for not being able to draw. I think we should take all sticker collages and give them to the homeless for food. You eat enough paper you have to get some nutrients out of it.

My girlfriend still likes stickers. It’s okay because she’s 7. Huh? The law where I live is their age plus how many adult teeth they have. If it doesn’t equal 18, you’re committing a crime. I bought her stickers for her birthday last year. She actually wanted them. I think they were stickers of horses or pandas. I don’t remember. Something Asian. She loves little Asian stuff. I swear one day she’s going to move to Japan and nobody will ever hear from her again.

(The Japanese Mafia called The Yakuza. They’re very dangerous…I thought)

Adults have their own versions of stickers. We call them labels. It’s no different. You can call a guy “that darky” all you want but he’s still your son-in-law. I use a lot of labels at work. They’re helpful. They allow me to be more efficient. If I wasn’t efficient at my job then people might start to wonder why a human can’t do something a monkey can. I’m talking about a smart monkey of course. One that can do sign language. Did you know that an erect gorilla’s penis is 1.5 inches long? I know that and cannot remember how I know that. Figured I’d throw that in here because I’m all about giving out facts.

One place you should never put a sticker is on a wall. That is of course, a wall you are responsible for. I’ve been to friends bedrooms where they had stickers on the wall. Do they not understand the meaning of the word sticker? It sticks. Things that stick are irremovable. Boogers are sticky and almost impossible to get out of the girl in front of me on the elevator’s hair. The hardest place to get a sticker off of is a wood floor. I remember accidentally placing them there. I couldn’t get it off in one solid piece which was sad. A broken sticker? Nothing makes my inner child weep more. It’s a cracked image. Someone slaved away in a factory and possibly died to create that miniature image only for it to get stuck on your floor during a careless playing with action figures session. Think about that.

(When I was a boy I would eat my bananas then place the sticker on my shirt. It let the boys know I had high potassium and let the girls know I was not a sexual object)

Should I think stickers should be exterminated? Of course not. How do you exterminate something that isn’t living? Plus I will always have a fondness for scratch and sniff stickers. Is there anything more amazing than something that doesn’t smell nice until you scratch it? Science has paid off. I can see a sticker of a flower that smells like dirt.

It’s Holiday Season. Do you know what that means? If the title didn’t already give it away, it’s Hess Truck season. Hooray! The greatest toy ever. A truck that delivers gasoline. Truly a collectible that will be worth thousands in the future.

(Here’s to hoping as soon as that jet takes off it burns up the truck with its fuel then crashes itself into a Hess Truck factory)

I remember when I was a younger and less hairy boy. Every December meant that the television would be flooded with commercials for the latest edition of the Hess Truck. For those of you not familiar with what Hess might be, it’s a gas station. That’s it. You go there and fill up your car with petroleum. I don’t fill up my car. I live in New Jersey and we have Arabs who do it for us. They usually call me “buddy” or “boss” which makes me feel important. That must be such a foreign idea to you reading this. I have never had to pump my own fuel. It’s only like this in New Jersey and our sister state on the other side of the country Oregon. I’m not sure why it is this way but I like it. Still, why do all girls from New Jersey smell like gas? You chicks in Idaho have an excuse for smelling awful.

The worst thing about these Hess Truck advertisements is that they really hype it up like kids want these toys. No! No kid wants a Hess Truck. Kids want footballs and wooden horses that rock. Not a truck that delivers Texas Tea (shouldn’t it be called Saudi Arabian Tea now?). Someone gave me a Hess Truck years ago. I think I still have it. I bought into the myth that other people would buy it from me for thousands of dollars years later. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

For a while there was a Hess Truck that had a spaceship attached to it. With everybody “going green” they had to ban that vehicle. Spaceships take a lot of gasoline to move. I don’t know the exact number because science upsets my brain, but I’d imagine it’s somewhere in the bazillions. It sends a mixed message too having a rocket ship attached to a truck. It makes children think that this is normal. Reality check, it isn’t. I don’t know who Hess thinks they’re fooling. Not me.

Being a semi-expert of Nazi Germany, I am reminded of the fact that one of Adolf Hitler’s top officials was named Rudolph Hess. Do Hess Trucks promote Nazism? I say of course.

When you go out Christmas shopping this year, be sure to skip over getting a Hess Truck for someone who isn’t your enemy. It’s a bad gift. A toy fire engine, police car, or ice truck are much more fun for a boy on Christmas morning. Don’t buy into the hype. For Christmas this year, make sure the Hess Truck is nowhere near.