Posts Tagged ‘tv’

According to sources, today is the Big Game. I cannot say the more commonly used word for the Big Game as I was sued in 1997 for doing it. Ever since not being able to pay and having my legs broke, I have been very careful not to make the same mistake again.

I have little experience in watching the Big Game. Only in 2008 when the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots have I ever watched a game all the way through. It was the lone Big Game Party I was ever invited to. I think I ate some chicken. There was a kid that looked like Zac Efron there. I ate some hot sauce too and didn’t spill any.

zac-efron(Speaking of hot sauce, where’s this kid’s belt???)

I remember watching a little bit of a Big Game many years ago. I did not understand the sport. It was at that moment I realized I might be a woman. Not that all women are incapable of understanding sports. I just think there are a lot out there who do not. When you call them the Cincinnati Bangles every time your team plays them your interests are better suited for 1980s pop music.

The+Bangles+-+Hazy+Shade+Of+Winter+-+5-+CD+SINGLE-51059(Good move adding “Includes: Walk Like an Egyptian” because nobody would buy it otherwise)

The last few years I was usually doing something else on Big Game Sunday. Since I haven’t had cable in a while my viewership has been limited to the radio broadcast. I use theater of the mind in order to have something to talk about with others the following day.

Last year I listened to the game on the radio. I lied to a couple of people the next day and said I was at a Big Game Party because saying I sat around at home listening to the game on the radio because I do not have cable because I find it unnecessary and distracting while doing pushups every 10 minutes to better increase my desirableness to the opposite sex and only a few members of the same sex would have taken a long time.

the-ideal-male-body-weight-chart-attractiveness-2(I don’t match any of these! Darn media and their portrayal of the human body!)

I will probably have to lie about watching the Big Game again this year because I work with mostly men who think they know sports. One said Pete Rose is the all-time hits leader with 3,000 of them. Another said the Detroit Red Wings are the second best team in the NHL this season. My apologies to 1jaded1 of Stuphblog for bringing this up.

Come Monday I will probably try to finagle my way through a conversation, pretending as if I actually watched the Big Game. Again, this is easier than the long explanation. Considering the one guy said “What am I supposed to do with my W-2 Form?” we can assume he never worries about money. His father is also a New York stockbroker so he hasn’t had a hard day in his life.

Enjoy the Big Game everyone. Or don’t. Doesn’t matter to me.

Joey from Friends is on a show called Episodes. I have not watched it because I think the way Hollywood parades that mongoloid around in the public spotlight is heinous. Let the poor guy live a life as normal as he can!!!

matt-leblanc(Joey actually lasted 46 episodes which means there probably is no God)

I do not want to talk about his television show. I want to talk about other television shows. In particular my favorites from classic shows. These are inspired and include a few statuses I made on Facebook along with some originals.

My favorite episode of Magnum P.I. is when Magnum shaves his mustache for the summer. Everyone makes fun of him and he grows it back. Everyone else in the office tell him it was a good decision.

My favorite episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is the one where the LA Riots spill into Bel-Air and the Banks Family is held hostage for being, as the lead rioter calls them, “Uncle Toms.” Carlton did a lot of dancing in that episode and I like his dancing!

My favorite episode of The Walking Dead is the one where Carl has really bad diarrhea and they have to go out to find diarrhea medicine for him. On their way they have to kill one zombie and there isn’t much action, except in the prison toilet where Carl is bringing upon his own Apocalypse.

My favorite episode of Cheers is the one where the bar is closed for repairs and everyone stays at home watching television.

My favorite episode of Scooby-Doo Where Are You? is when they were going over their plan to trap a zombie pirate and Scooby Doo squatted down to take a big poop and it was really embarrassing for everyone and they made Shaggy pick it up.

My favorite episode Home Improvement is the one where Wilson tells the Taylor Family that the bottom of his face is missing. They don’t believe him and it turns out to not be true; he just has really bad anxiety. Tim uses money he made from Tool Time to send Wilson for counseling. Wilson ends up getting raped in the hospital by Brad because he’s rebellious.

My favorite episode of Everybody Loves Raymond is the one where the older brother hits his head on an airplane ceiling and then dies a few hours later. There was a lot of Billy Mays satire and I found it very timely.

My favorite episode of Parks and Recreation is the one where Leslie Knope realizes she met Ben too late in life and at over 40-years-old she can probably never have a family with him unless they adopt, but they can’t do it because Jerry screws up the paperwork. I liked that one.

My favorite episode of Lost is the flashback of Hurley. We find out that his weight is the reason why the plane crashed at the end which came as a huge shock to me. I was totally not expected them to go in that direction.

My favorite episode of Dexter is the one where he asks his sister for a half-day. Instead of going out to solve a murder though, Dexter catches up on some sleep.

My favorite episode of Seinfeld is the one where Dr. Timothy Whatley played by Bryan Cranston converts to Islam so he doesn’t have to have a sense of humor anymore. The B-story with Kramer on the double-date with the giant was good too.

My favorite episode of The Wire is when everyone has to stay late to finish up paperwork. This was sadly a real episode, but not my favorite.

Anyone else have a favorite episode?

I need to come up with some plans for New Year’s Eve. Traditionally this holiday was spent watching movies, eating snacks, and staying up as late as possible. This sounds cool until I look back and realize most New Year’s Eves I have had were very disappointing. Never once did Jay-Z show up and invite me to some rooftop party. When will my life be a movie?

Jay-Z_@_Shawn_'Jay-Z'_Carter_Foundation_Carnival_(crop_2)(Damn it I wish I was this ugly and people felt bad for me and gave me money like what happened to Jay-Z)

Last year I spent New Year’s Eve at my dad’s place. My new apartment had its power shut off because I didn’t bother moving in there until really late in the month despite having ownership since the beginning of December. So at one point I was in possession of two apartments, which sounds pretty cool–the same way I would brag about my dad having two jobs and two girlfriends (not including my mom) when I was younger. Less is not more. Less is just better and not as damaging to a child’s psyche.

In years previous to that alcohol was involved or I abstained from alcohol because I didn’t feel like starting the New Year chewing on my blankets wishing I was dead from a hangover. The worst were the years my sister and I would have parties and none of my friends I told everyone I had would show up. I would usually retreat to my bedroom and watch King of the Hill. At least Bill Dauterive was more pathetic.

bill d(This could very well be my future)

I spent one New Year’s at a friend’s house and I’m not even sure why I was friends with him. I think it was because I needed something to do on New Year’s Eve so I planned it out five years in advance and earned his trust. We didn’t do much and I remember hiding from old high school classmates buying ice cream in the only open place in the town, a 24-hour drug store. I don’t think anything should be open on New Year’s Eve. That’s not fair. People should be allowed to celebrate or have the chance to kill themselves in private.

When I was really young I would engage in the earlier mentioned snacking and movie watching. This was pretty much what I did every weekend anyway. For some reason the only movie I remember watching on New Year’s Eve was Ghosts of Mars. I also remember eating mozzarella sticks while watching it because nothing makes a bad John Carpenter movie better than fried cheese. Hell, nothing is better than fried cheese.

 mozarella sticks(I’d give it all up just to be near you)

This year I have no current plans on what to do. I certainly don’t want to go to Times Square because that’s just asking to stand in the cold alone with high hopes only to be upset with the results. I also can’t stay at home because I don’t have a television. How will I know when the ball has dropped??? Do I need to buy a watch? Take everyone’s word for it?

What will most likely happen is I’ll have a movie marathon at home and eat popcorn because I have been craving popcorn ever since I saw it at the grocery store. Does ever happen to you? Do you ever see food at the grocery store and then remember it exists?

Best of luck to you all in 2014. Except for you. You can die.

crushed

I had my hopes crushed again this year. For the third year running I entered a sitcom writing contest and was not selected as a finalist. I mean, I must suck, right? There is no other explanation. As I do with every contest I lose, and yes nobody won I just lost, I am making up horrible plot lines for these sitcom scripts that made it to the finals based on only their titles.

Alice, Wonderland

An English professor tries to replace the word “in” with commas to save himself time during his busy schedule. An uprising occurs as to whether or not the public will accept this new abbreviation.

Black Sheep

Scenes from the Chris Farley comedy of the same name and the horror film about sheep in Scotland killing people are spliced together each week to make up an original program.

Bros

A comedy about the life of the Menendez Brothers. We open to a shot of them both getting molested with a tennis racket.

Chimney Creek

In the small town of Chimney Creek, Arkansas lives a woman with a demonic possession. She shits everywhere and takes the Lord’s name in vain. Stars Marlee Matlin as the demonically possessed woman.

Creatives

Art student Josie Poontang and street magician Lyle Toilet open up a shop in midtown Cheyenne, Wyoming to allow creative people to come and join them each week. In the second episode Josie dies and becomes a ghost with a chain-smoking problem.

D-1

Sandra Oliver has a big chest. Then she gets cancer and has to have one removed. Now she is down to one D-Cup breast.

Evil Blond Kid

Dennis the Menace.

Ex-Communication

A fictitious version of the last days of Napoleon Bonaparte and how he spent them chasing broads and not being able to reach high things. Alternate title, “The Small Dicked Frenchman.”

The Good Samaritan’s Club

A comedy about the gang violence between The Good Samaritan’s Club and the more popular First Wive’s Club. Receives the first NC-17 rating for a television show because of how violent it is and how they kill animals each week, for real.

Hot Fail

Internet bloopers show about people accidentally falling into volcanoes.

Julie #2

After a miscarriage, thought to be mother Janice Spredlegs gets pregnant again, this time by her father! They name the child after the baby they lost, but to differentiate between the two during conversation, they add the #2 to the end.

The Manifest

Pilgrim Peter Washington is the first gay pilgrim. He wants to start a “Man Fest” but due to his speech impediment he starts a manifest, whatever that is.

Match Pointe

Tennis legend Eric Von Beerdrinker is down on his luck and just find out he his ex-wife has given him HIV. He sets out to systematically destroy her life throughout the series, with many humorous roadblocks along the way.

Park Life

The chronicles of five hobos, one of whom lies about being a war veteran, and all of the places they urinate in the park.

Peace

In a world without conflict, nothing happens and everyone kills themselves because they are so bored. The series begins when nobody is no longer around and nothing continues to happen.

The Pool

Con-artist Nicholas Obama is jealous of his brother, fictional character and United States President Larack’s success. He decides to became a pool lifeguard. The only problem is he’s black and has to face a lot of prejudice along the way.

Power Moms

It’s Power Rangers, but with mothers. At the end of each episode they form a human pyramid then their backs hurt so they stop.

Reject – A Recruiting Comedy

Nothing funny ever happens because you shouldn’t put “comedy” in the title of a comedy. It’s like people who have “funny” in their Twitter name. No you’re not.

Rom.com

A website for Roman sex slave trafficking opens up. The only person who can stop it is bumbling detective and former NFL quarterback, Zed Pill. Along with his trusted sidekick and former teammate and Native American and gay lover Ike Runs With Bear, they try to stop it.

Rumspringa

Amish kids go on Rumspringa. The show is great until it gets old and we realize there are too many shows about the Amish already.

Third and a Mile

Buddies Billy, Niles, and Wesley love going out and picking up girls then sharing them. Wesley is always the third one to bang the girl. The problem is, he always finds himself a mile away! Can he get there in time before she sobers up?

We’re Not Your Parents

A school of abusive teachers hit and punish children emotionally and physically while reminding the children they have no need to be nice to them, they are not their parents.

What Goes Up…

The first show about astronauts. In the first season finale we get a comedic look at the Challenger explosion and the impatient workers who had to clean up the mess all in the name of science.

Works in Progress

Each week the show is presented in a “Choose Your Own Adventure” format. Will you enter the cave or will you stay at home and get fatter? Find out never!

Yellow Pine Pride

A gang of public urinators are recruited by the government to stop public poopers because pooping in public is worse than peeing. It takes place somewhere in the Northwest, hence the “pine” part. Actor Chris Pine is also in it. He’s known for having urine that smells like Pinesol as well. His character, not the guy.

Another thing I wrote for that website that never ended up existing. My Review of the Television Show Weeds:

weeds(Nice choice of characters to put here. Three of them aren’t even in half the series)

If all you did was look at the title, show description, and DVD covers, you would swear this was a show that could only be appreciated by potheads. I have smoked pot once in my life. I was 17, ‘twas the night before Christmas, and my mother yelled “fuck you” at me when I refused to help her set up the Christmas tree. What kind of mother does that? Everybody knows if you don’t set up your Christmas tree at least three weeks before Christmas then you damn well better be able to figure out how to do it on your own.

I only began to watch Weeds because a friend with good taste recommended it to me. Most of the people I have in my life have terrible taste. Being friends with me is the perfect example.

Weeds starts off in Season One with Nancy Botwin, played by the incredibly sexy Mary Louise Parker, already as a drug dealer. There’s no real origin story, although it’s clear why she got into the business. Her husband Judah died of a heart attack while jogging and dealing pot is the only way she can maintain the lifestyle her family had grown accustomed to.

mary louise parker nose(I am convinced she has the most perfect nose int he world. I bet her creepy uncles were always taking it when she was younger)

Nancy has two sons who are there with her throughout the series. Silas is the older son and Shane is the younger one. Silas is confident, handsome, and has the drive to do great things. Throughout the series we watch as he goes from a stud high school student with only a few insecurities into a stud man who on the inside might still be a little bit of a child. Shane is a lot different from Silas. We learn quickly that Shane might be a psychopath. He does have the same drive and adventurous spirit as his older brother which helps him survive in the chaotic world his mother has created for the family.

In addition to the immediate family, Uncle Andy Botwin enters the picture a few episodes into the show. At first I found him annoying. He seemed to get everything to go his way despite never trying very hard in life. Over time I grew to absolutely love Uncle Andy. When same sex marriage with fictional characters is legal, I plan on being Andy’s bride.

Weeds_1_lg(Left to right: Silas, Nancy, Shane, Andy, my invisible friend Manny that only I can see in pictures)

Along with an endless colorful cast of characters, the Botwins get into every adventure you could imagine a family could when drugs are involved. From dealing with the police, secret agents, the Armenian mafia, thugs, the Mexican drug cartel, and Nacy’s inability to keep her pants on around men, the family is never at a loss for trouble.

Weeds is a show that goes to places you could never imagine it would. The first three seasons all takes place in their small California suburb Agrestic where everyone becomes a doctor, a lawyer, or a business executive. Nancy’s only real trouble comes from her evil friend Celia who is a big antagonist throughout much of the series. Once Nancy gets the drug business down better, Celia is less of a threat as all she can really do is get the rest of the PTA to turn on Nancy.

Another memorable and loveable character from this show is Doug Wilson played by Saturday Night Live alum Kevin Nealon. He plays the shittiest accountant ever which doesn’t say much considering the current economic downturn we have been experiencing for the last forever many years. Doug starts off as a less than important character with some great lines and some good B-plots. Eventually he joins along for the full ride, going with the Botwins wherever they travel to. His love of marijuana is the main thing that calls him to stay around Nancy. After all, there’s nothing better than MILF Weed.

doug wilson(That’s right TBS fans! The host of the Funniest Commercials or whatever that lame show was called is on this show)

After eight seasons on air, Weeds completed its story last summer. The show goes so many places both with the character development and in the show’s main setting. It’s cleverly written to a point where the seriousness of danger melds perfectly with the comedy. This is sometimes a terribly depressing show as death, rejection, and hating your family are some of the main themes.

Nancy Botwin might possibly be the worst mother ever. Perhaps her biggest crime is we don’t get to see her naked until Season Four. It doesn’t matter if you have ever smoked pot or what your opinion on marijuana even is. This show is not about dealing drugs. This show is about a family, their friends, their enemies, and what happens to them because the mom has refused to get a normal job.

This show is must see. The style is unique and you will find yourself at times hating the main character because of how selfish she can be yet you will still love her anyway. But isn’t that how we feel about our own families? They can say “fuck you” to us all they want on Christmas Eve. We still show up because we love them.

I didn’t think I would hear back until tomorrow about the first of the contests I have entered recently. I was curious and checked out the website tonight only to find they had already announced the winners. And as the title suggests, it blew.

Childhood past time(Remember childhood when the only thing that blew were bubbles? I mean, if you were lucky of course. I wasn’t raised Catholic)

My name only appeared on the site as the winner of a randomly drawn prize. This means I could have sent them a blank document and probably won it. As I am making a tradition that I began last year, I am going to make fun of the titles of the other winners and how terrible they sound as well as made up plots. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better about devoting my time to something I cared about only to be told it wasn’t good enough. I entered two under the television category, but I am also going to make fun of the films because I am better an angry. I also want to mention that the biggest winner from this contest in the past is Snow White and the Huntsman. So in short, I’m worse than that crappy film and that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Television:

Ad Game – A look into the intriguing world of board game advertising. With technology improving, will anyone go back to the basics? One man thinks he has an advertisement that will blow everyone away. It doesn’t and he kills himself in the first episode.

Children of Eden – Adam and Eve are a blue-collar couple who realize their lives are worthless because they have no friends. They end up adopting a couple of babies from Asia and then chaos ensues in a very Cheaper by the Dozen way.

Electric Church – Based on the true story of Joel Osteen using too much electricity, Joe Losteen a fictional character not based on anyone, uses too much electricity in his church and he has to learn to go back to his roots, not reading the Bible from his iPad.

Karamazov – An awesome show about a Russian mobster that fails after one season because nobody can spell or pronounce the title.

Law Show – Seriously…this was the best title they could come up with? Next year I’m entering something called Cop Show and then complaining when they don’t make it a finalist. If I saw something called Law Show I would have tracked down the writer and cut off fingers every hour until they came up with a real title.

Resident – The prequel to Resident Evil before the evil zombie part. Nothing happens.

Resolved – The show opens up on the season finale. All of the problems are resolved and there is no conflict.

The Cave – An abused girl obsessed with Mumford and Sons continues to play their hit song The Cave over and over again until her parents kick her out. She was a real annoying bitch anyway and is played by Emily Osment because there are occasional songs that need to be sung.

The Watson School for Girls – Gossip Girl but named after a fictional character from Sherlock Holmes. In season 3 one of the main girls die from AIDS.

Yukon – Northern Exposure except on the Canadian part. Nobody watches it because nobody likes Eskimos.

Film:

Arctic Circle – The film version of Yukon except one of the main actresses refuses to be in it because she’s a diva.

The Artist Formerly Known as John Smith – A modern-day interpretation of the story of Pocahontas where John Smith is basically the musician Prince.

Brood X – A film chronicling the story behind one of the most average wrestling stables of all-time, The Brood. The X part has to do with the fact X-Pac has a main part in it.

Butterfly Children – A sexual education film about the birthing of butterflies. It strikes up some controversy after the opening scene of butterfly rape.

The Cause of it All – Howard Zimmershit has spent his entire life getting blamed for things he didn’t do. After a massive terrorist attack on the symbol of American freedom, American Apparel, Zimmershit finds himself blamed for it and must go on the run.

The Colony – March of the Penguins with ants.

Compliance – Newt Jones does whatever people tell him to do. Then one day he stands up for himself and finds there is more to life than being a submissive fool.

Cricket – A live action version of the origin story of Jiminy Cricket. Before he was Pinocchio’s conscience, Jiminy Cricket worked for the mafia. Eventually he turns and begins working for the police as a CI.

Cutting Numbers – A  mohel and a math teacher must team up to enter a boxing tournament to save a dying singing cat.

Deadmen – Two hours of pictures flashing on the screen of different dead people.

Demain Je Me Tue – It’s like Moulin Rouge and the only difference is this one has more bestiality.

Dickens and Isabella – The untold touching story of Charles Dickens and his shit-rag he named Isabella.

The Gentle Apocalypse – During WWII, it appears as if the world is coming to an end. The Nazis push through Europe until one man steps up to stop them, a gentle teddy bear. He’s not so gentle though. He’s basically Rambo. But he kills people. This is a very bloody movie.

Holy Mackerel – Originally titled “Things Only Grandmothers Say,” this film is about a cow manure eating contest in West Virginia and the people in it.

Paganini – The sequel to Holy Mackerel, this one taking place in Italy.

Priscilla – A completely made-up story about Elvis’s wife and how she saves everyone from a robot holocaust.

Satan in Arkansas – Dave Kershmere and Lyle Savage are two pedophiles who open up their own pizza shop. At first the town has trouble accepting their lifestyle, until they taste the pizza.

Space Cadet – A theatrical release of Cadet Kelly starring Hilary Duff. They don’t exactly redo the movie or anything, they just dub over some of the words with space words like “moon” and “tang.”

Under Angels – A satirical take on the often taboo subject of having missionary position sex with angels and how they are never adventurous in bed. Sandra Bullock attached.

White Line Fever – Melanie Growdick is the only woman working as a line in the road painter. She gets sick one day with a fever and has to call out sick. Her boss tells her she can’t and she begins protesting the right for people to take off work whenever they feel the least bit under the weather.

Two down, like 3 or 4 more? I don’t know. I entered a lot of stuff. I have to be a finalist in at least one…right?

I swear I’ll keep this brief and I’m not sure what the point in even blogging about this is other than my nose isn’t brown enough. I also want to point out that not all celebrities are assholes unwilling to give back to their fanbase.

I didn’t find out about this until Monday, but It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia actor Glenn Howerton posted this on his Twitter back in March:

glenn howerton

 

Read the last one. It’s the most relevant.

Basically he’s soliciting different screenplays, television pilots, and I’m sure he will not turn down nude photographs of women although he did not state it would increase chances, but I have no doubt it would. If you don’t know the story of how It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia got started, it was basically based on a short video made by the cast. Danny Devito somehow discovered it and the rest as they say is a much more interesting and incestuous way than most television shows are created, in-house and remade from unoriginal ideas.

Mr. Howerton went on to answer different questions on his Twitter account, at one point saying that this is not a contest, it’s a “call to arms” and that “everyone just needs a way in.” Of course I emailed something almost immediately (he set up an email address for this to save trees) and now I play the waiting game hoping that I at least hear back.  A “quit now while you can still waste your time on something else” would be as helpful as a “this is amazing.”

This is one of many things I’ve been entering/submitting to in recent days. I entered two things back at the end of February. That contest closes submissions on Monday. There’s another contest that opens on Monday. This contest I entered the last two years with no luck. Then there’s an internship I applied for which I have the least amount of faith in because you needed to include a resume. Whenever I have to include my resume for anything I feel like I’m telling people not to pick me. What age is it acceptable to travel around the country robbing banks and becoming a national hero? I feel like I’m getting close.

But thanks Glenn Howerton for not being a megadouche and instead at least attempting to pay it forward and give other people an opportunity to one day, like Zach Braff, take advantage of their fans.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Season 5 New York Premiere - Arrivals

(Normally I’d be jealous of Mr. Glenn here, but he seems like a nice guy so I shall contain my jealous rage and save it for someone more deserving)