Posts Tagged ‘ufc’

Apologies

Posted: January 28, 2012 in Uncategorized
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I would like to take today to apologize for a few things. Nothing that I’ve done. Shit. I’m perfect. I have not a thing to apologize for to anyone. That’s a sign of weakness apologizing. That’s what tough guys that nobody likes say.

The apologies I would like to make are for men in general. I want to be honest for a moment because everything else I have ever said in my entire life has been a lie. Men are jerks. We are. Sorry. That’s how Zeus made us. Not our faults. Still, that doesn’t mean that we can’t apologize for being created so half-assed. I know there are women out there who say stuff like “God created man first because you always start with a rough draft” or something similar to that. I fucked up the quote, I think. But you get the point. Women who use that quote usually get punched in the face by the rough drafts they’re dating. It’s a silly argument to make. Why would God even need two attempts? It’s the same argument that you make with children. The second child can say to the older child “mommy and daddy wanted another baby because they did it wrong the first time.” I don’t think that to be true. A much better thing to say would be “mommy and daddy loved me so much that they decided to try to make perfection again, but they fucked up so badly that they didn’t try anything else after that.” I’m a middle child. I have an older and a younger sister. I like to say that they fucked up the first time and wanted to get it right the second time, they got it right and went to try for perfection again, but they fucked it up again and figured why try creating such beauty (me) again. That’s my logic for remaining existing.

(You really believe that this is completed?)

Onto my apologies for men. The first thing to apologize for are dick pictures. I’m sorry. Every girl has received a picture of a male genitalia at some point. It’s one thing if it’s solicited or asked for, but when it comes out of the blue then there is no reason for it at all. Girls do not get turned on by random pictures of the Loch Ness Monsters of private parts. It’s weird, strange, and reveals what a social outcast you are. Women want to be wowed. Showing a picture of your dick via text message makes your dick less like the Holy Grail and more like a bag of Peanut Chews. Very few people have seen the Holy Grail and for those who have, it’s an amazing experience. Many more have seen bags of Peanut Chews. They’re kind of everywhere. Pictures of your dick also have the same reaction as does the opening of the Lost Ark of the Covenant. See the first Indiana Jones movie as a reference.

My second apology is for cars in general. The inventor of the car, Henry Ford, was a man. Cars kill lots of people. They’re almost as deadly as asbestos. Asbestos is weird. It’s one of those things I know exists, but have no idea what it is. That’s what you get for watching The Price is Right. All you hear about are dog balls and mesothelioma. Men and cars are a deadly mix. I’m not a fan of men who love their cars. Those men rarely love others or even themselves. They need a large piece of metal to get hard. I am the complete opposite of a car fag. I’m not even quite sure how to pop the hood of my car. My car makes a loud sound not because of a muffler, but because it’s 10 years old and has 150,000 miles on it. I think there might also be a squirrel stuck underneath of it screaming for help. Or maybe it’s a Mexican. They kind of sound the same to me. It’s gibberish. So sorry for cars. And sorry if you’re Mexican. Don’t blame me for that. That’s between you and your maker.

Frat boys suck. That’s why I’m apologizing for them. They used to be white jerk-offs who play football and now they’re white jerk-offs who play football and wear their hats sideways. I wore a hat sideways once. It was because I had it on backwards and was punched for doing so. I was punched so hard the hat spun 90 degrees. The person doing the punching, myself. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a frat boy. What could I say to a man who likes to give other men piggy back rides? Giddy-up? And take note, when I say frat boys, I mean every male under 30 who owns a shirt that says “Tap-Out” or has ever gone out in public in a plain white t-shirt. Why would a company call itself Tap-Out? That’s what you do when you lose. Oddly enough, anyone who wears those shirts has already lost at life.

(A loser from two different angles)

When guys get together they think they’re on the radio. That’s why I want to say I’m sorry for laughing at everything our friends say. Really, the intentions are good. We’re trying to let our shitty friends think they’re funny. We also want them to give us the same courtesy. All guys do is laugh at each other. They name a sexual act then laugh.  We’re full of testosterone. You ladies have it easy. You have something called estrogen. That sounds like a Gatorade ingredient. Testosterone is such a strong word itself. Test is in the name. Nobody likes tests. The only way to get testosterone out is to break something or laugh at a friend quoting Family Guy. I’m aware how annoying this can be, but like Mexicans, I did not choose to be a man. Sorry if this gets on your nerves. But even you have to admit it’s better than us slapping you every time you speak, which is what we all want to do.

(Chris Brown isn’t abusive, he’s honest. Like how he’s a gigantic Colorado Rockies fan…doubt it)

Finally, I want to apologize for being so incredibly dominant in the history of the world. Women still in most parts of the world do not have equal rights. You First World Women have no idea how great you have it. There are parts on this planet that you’re not even allowed to have a clitoris. I know! They cut it off like it’s a price tag and they don’t want the person they’re giving you to knowing how cheap you are. Can’t they just put some black Sharpie over top of it to cover the price? Even in America women have only been able to vote for under 100 years. It took a couple of mean and angry lesbians to get you the vote. Even black guys had the vote before you. A race of people who were taken from their homes on another continent, chained and forced to work in fields, then killed when they grew too old and weak. Men have more respect for each other than they do for you. I’m deeply sorry for that. You women are wonderful. We need to show more respect for the ladies. They provide us with babies and new episodes of Whitney.

Since I was the bigger man and apologized for things on behalf of billions of people, I think it’s women’s turn to apologize. What do you need to apologize for exactly? The first should be your stories. I mean, really? You thought that would be interesting? Another thing is making eye contact and then not having sex with us. Talk about mixed signals! Girls need to say they’re sorry for being so manipulative, pretending to be weak, and for having no souls. You don’t have to apologize for always being late. I find it cute when I tell you to meet me somewhere at 8 and you show up at 9:15 with a lame excuse.

New York Laws

Posted: August 25, 2011 in August 2011
Tags: , ,

American laws are silly. The silliest are in New York. It’s legal for one man to marry another man in that state. Yet still it is illegal for one man to have an organized fight inside of a steel cage with another man under the supervision of the UFC. Does this not make sense to anyone else?

Two men can kiss in public. They can stay together forever and have good times. But when things go bad, they have no way to settle it. They can only cry and slap each other. They can’t do what real men do, strip down to their underwear and fight for a gold belt. This doesn’t seem fair.

If you’ve been living under a rock, you may not have heard that New York recently made gay marriage legal. If you’ve been living under a cock, I’m sure you heard and have since added to your fortress of male genitalia. I have no opinion on gay marriage. I won’t get involved either way.

There are two sides to the argument about it.

Side 1) It’s not in the Bible. Counterargument 1) Neither are dinosaurs.

Then we flip things over.

Side 2) Everyone has the right to be married. Counterargument 2) The right? You don’t have the right to do anything. Marriage is a religious foundation and the church (as much as they suck balls) can make whatever rules they want. The only time the church really needs to piss off is when they say that you can’t be together. That’s when they cross the line. If being married is the only thing that will make your relationship feel whole then you’re probably not that in love anyway.

It’s silly to think that in this day and age it’s more legal to have another dick in your mouth than a cigarette in Central Park. I’ve never smoked a cigarette, but I can understand a person wanting to fill a void in their life.

So why is it that gay marriage is legal and UFC isn’t? I’m not a fan of UFC keep in mind. I’m more into the fake wrestling, WWE which is perfectly legal in New York City. I’m assuming it’s because it’s closer to theater than an actual sport. The gays love theater. They love shirtless strong men too. What I propose is that the UFC become more theatrical. Add in a few musical numbers between rounds or maybe get the cast of Lion King to be the judges. Can you believe that movie is almost 20 years old? Shit you feel old now.