Posts Tagged ‘unicorns’

Children love them. No I’m not talking about mass murders. Why would you think that? If anyone hates mass murders it would be children. Children are the one group of people who actually enjoy traffic. It gives them a longer amount of time to play their Gameboys or poke their sisters in the ear with their fingers. Rarely are children killed in mass. I don’t know why. It’s pretty easy to kill a kid. They strangle themselves with the chords on the blinds. How do you manage that? Kids are so fucking stupid. No wonder they love stickers so much.

I used to enjoy stickers. I enjoyed how you could place them on anything. I could take a sticker of a unicorn and stick it on an important document that it didn’t belong on. I remember in high school using blank stickers and writing bad words on them. I would stick them on cafeteria tables. They were removable which meant this caused little inconvenience. Now as I’m older stickers fly under my radar. No longer are they fun or something I ever think about needing. Stickers are like the problems in Africa to me. I know they exist but there’s nothing I can really do with or about them.

(This man, no different from the sticker on my windshield saying my car didn’t pass inspection)

Sometimes children are rewarded with stickers. I always thought that was a crappy prize. Even when I was a sticker kid I knew how lame that was. You did good kid, here, have a little piece of paper that you can place on another piece of paper. Then you have a paper covered in stickers. What do you do with that besides look at it once then throw it away? Sticker collages are no fun. It’s an excuse for not being able to draw. I think we should take all sticker collages and give them to the homeless for food. You eat enough paper you have to get some nutrients out of it.

My girlfriend still likes stickers. It’s okay because she’s 7. Huh? The law where I live is their age plus how many adult teeth they have. If it doesn’t equal 18, you’re committing a crime. I bought her stickers for her birthday last year. She actually wanted them. I think they were stickers of horses or pandas. I don’t remember. Something Asian. She loves little Asian stuff. I swear one day she’s going to move to Japan and nobody will ever hear from her again.

(The Japanese Mafia called The Yakuza. They’re very dangerous…I thought)

Adults have their own versions of stickers. We call them labels. It’s no different. You can call a guy “that darky” all you want but he’s still your son-in-law. I use a lot of labels at work. They’re helpful. They allow me to be more efficient. If I wasn’t efficient at my job then people might start to wonder why a human can’t do something a monkey can. I’m talking about a smart monkey of course. One that can do sign language. Did you know that an erect gorilla’s penis is 1.5 inches long? I know that and cannot remember how I know that. Figured I’d throw that in here because I’m all about giving out facts.

One place you should never put a sticker is on a wall. That is of course, a wall you are responsible for. I’ve been to friends bedrooms where they had stickers on the wall. Do they not understand the meaning of the word sticker? It sticks. Things that stick are irremovable. Boogers are sticky and almost impossible to get out of the girl in front of me on the elevator’s hair. The hardest place to get a sticker off of is a wood floor. I remember accidentally placing them there. I couldn’t get it off in one solid piece which was sad. A broken sticker? Nothing makes my inner child weep more. It’s a cracked image. Someone slaved away in a factory and possibly died to create that miniature image only for it to get stuck on your floor during a careless playing with action figures session. Think about that.

(When I was a boy I would eat my bananas then place the sticker on my shirt. It let the boys know I had high potassium and let the girls know I was not a sexual object)

Should I think stickers should be exterminated? Of course not. How do you exterminate something that isn’t living? Plus I will always have a fondness for scratch and sniff stickers. Is there anything more amazing than something that doesn’t smell nice until you scratch it? Science has paid off. I can see a sticker of a flower that smells like dirt.