Posts Tagged ‘vagina’

I have nude photographs of myself. I have nude photographs of other people. Sometimes I know the people and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they know me and sometimes they don’t because I drop it in their shopping cart then quickly run out of Shop Rite. What matters most is that people have seen me naked and I have seen them too.

The number of people who have seen me naked is pretty limited. The last one was a bug-eyed man taking a pee break next to me. I guess that doesn’t qualify as naked though, does it? Nudity is more than your genitals. Nudity also involves your shoulder, although in this instance I was dressed like Olivia Newton John with my shoulder strap down slightly.

physical1(So maybe her shoulder straps weren’t pulled down after all. I just can’t get over all of the fat men in diapers)

I am picky about who gets to see me naked. Not just any stranger gets the reward. Say for instance I want to go streaking. I will scream at people I do not want to see me naked to “turn around you’re making me uncomfortable, kid!”

I have seen other people naked too. I don’t like seeing boys naked. It’s like looking into a mirror or a paralel universe where I’m black and thicker in certain areas. Penises are great in their own right; capable of doing the job while still being as goofy as a Great Dane and coming in all shapes and sizes. Vaginas are more like Chinese people, all looking the same. I think I made that observation before because it sounds very familiar. Or maybe I have been horny and racist for longer than I thought.

As I type this I am not however horny. I am not naked either. I have a hat on I am unexposed. If someone where to walk in on me right now I would be like “Hey look I’m totally comfortable because only my hands and face are exposed, this isn’t enough nudity for me to feel insecure about although I do have dry skin on my face and hands so this is still not fun.” I would probably not say all of that, instead opting to just gasp then maybe take off my pants to scare them away.

kenny(This is how I look every day when I leave the house for my walk to work and then all day when I’m at work because there is no heat and my office is in a windowless closet. I made it!)

Nude photographs are a good present to give people even if they didn’t ask for it. The same way a cat will poop in your mouth while you are sleeping to let you know they love you, giving someone a nude photograph of yourself is a kind gesture. They don’t have to be fully nude either. My annual Christmas cards I mail out all have a stocking over my junk with the capture “Well, my stocking is stuffed!” In previous years I wore a Santa hat but this year I could not find it.

How many nude photographs of yourself do you own? How many of other people? Want to trade?

Oh and so I’m not disappointing you, here is a censored nude photograph of myself.

black-screen