Posts Tagged ‘video’

This isn’t your standard infomercial. I’m not going to try selling you an inferior product promising you rock hard abs or a vibrating condom that can cure male pattern baldness. Instead I am simply going to bug you once more about the first book I wrote because it’s a new year and I’m convinced people forget things from year to year.

I won’t try a hard-sell or anything because where will that get me? All I’ll simply say is I would be forever grateful if you bothered to read my book. I’ve got a few others written and am either in the process of editing them or staring at them screaming “Fucking make sense damn it” because they don’t fucking make much sense, damn it. Really, there are way too many plot holes. But not in this book I am promoting. It’s solid and makes sense. I wouldn’t sell you something I didn’t believe in. Before disrobing for a woman I always say “Hey listen, I know you’ve probably seen those Abercrombie and Fitch models and stuff. Look at my clothes. Do you see an Abercrombie and Fitch logo? No. I just want you to know what you’re getting yourself into.” Then I get naked and she tells me to pay her because she’s got to hand the money off to her pimp before the last train ride back to Harlem.

flight_time__special_k

(They make Harlem seem so much friendlier than we all know it really is. Thank you Flight Time and Special K)

But really what I’m trying to say is here’s a video I made from a Podcast I did back in October. If you want to listen to the full Podcast you can go here FULL EPISODE by clicking on the green download button and not the green start button in the advertisement like I did which caused me way too much trouble. But more importantly than that, this is a part of the recording where the focus is on me which I always enjoy.

For more information and direct links to obtaining a copy of this magnificent masterpiece you can go here SATAN LITTLE LEAGUE SUPERSTAR or like I lazily said, just Google it.

I will also say I don’t mind at all giving out a free copy to anyone. In fact, I would love to give you all free copies because that’s the kind of guy I am, one who desperately would like for more people to actually read this book.

For a free copy go to SMASHWORDS.COM, sign-up for a free account, click buy on the book, and then when asked for a coupon use XZ78R. This will knock the price down to $0 and you will be charged nothing. You don’t have to enter any credit card information or anything like that. It’s absolutely free and you can buy a million copies. Maybe not. But that would be really cool if someone bought 3 million copies. I think I’d get in trouble so don’t buy that many. But get one for yourself, your family, and all your friends. Or at the very least watch the video I made. I guess that’s it. If you read all this, watched the video, and made a purchase I probably took away 30 minutes of your time. I’m sorry, thank you.

P.S. Okay I had this sitting in the drafts since mid-December so I can add a little more, no? If you’re interested at all in a paperback copy those are also available. You can either buy it from Amazon or Create Space eStore or contact me directly and get it for far cheaper. I’ll let you choose your own price, granted it must be at least $2.79 but then there’s shipping and handling and by then you’re taking out a second mortgage. Contacting me directly means you also get a copy autographed by the author, Satan, and Jesus. Most importantly watch the video. It’s free, fun, and it’s almost even a little bit of a promotion for the book I let you all know about last week.

Oh speaking of last week’s book, thanks to everyone who picked up a free copy. Be sure to leave a review. I ended up giving out almost 150 free copies in those 3 days it was available so the more reviews the more likely someone might purchase it and I can afford to keep my electricity on. I’ll shut up now. Watch the video. And look at this picture of hot new releases! By that I don’t mean a fresh dog poo in wintertime either.

hot new releases

book cover jpeg

A few weeks ago I recorded a podcast with some friends I went to Community College with. We hadn’t seen each other in about 5 years. The only thing that changed was we all got uglier and angrier and they have debt because they continued their education. I know the word Podcast is almost as cringe-worthy as the phrases “A pedophile just moved in next door” or “Ladies and gentleman your new president of the United States, Sara Palin” or “The Hulk Hogan sex tape won’t turn off” but I assure you this was very professionally done. The equipment was great and because of that this was recorded while sitting on the floor.

I implore you to give this a shot. Put it on as background noise while you do something else like reading blogs or telling your kids to shut up. If you have a YouTube account it would also mean a lot to me if you left a comment saying how wonderful I was. I give them credit, somehow they made my voice sound tolerable.

Here is the YouTube link where you can listen to the first half. But the second half is actually really good and the last 10 minutes is basically an interview on me about my book and how much people hate me.

And here you can download the entire episode.

http://www.mediafire.com/?at47a3c6739hg46

Game shows are important to the American economy. Without game shows Alex Trebek would be a fisherman, Pat Sajak would be nothing more than the descendant of a notorious bank robber from the 1930’s, and Mark L. Wahlberg would not need to let us all know his middle name is “Lenny” to save us confusion into saying “Wait, Mark Wahlberg is a game show host now? What happened to his career?” One such game show that has captured my heart was Supermarket Sweep. I’m going to write about that today because I made a reference to it in a text message. You may never have heard of this show. If you never have it’s okay. Go read about some woman’s cat or some dumb avocado recipe today.

Supermarket Sweep was big in the 1990s even though everyone on it looked like they were from the 1980s. The show was on PAX, the religious channel. I never had much use for religion. I had much more use for their channel. Shop Til You Drop, Wonder Years reruns, It’s A Miracle, It’s A Miracle: Pets Edition, It’s A Miracle: African-American Neighbors You Always Thought Were Drug Dealers Edition, and an occasional movie with all the good parts taken out were great on PAX.

(6 discs, 6 hours? What a scam artist’s way to jack up the price. Is the economy in heaven that bad?)

The entire show took place inside a supermarket. I think there was a crowd hidden somewhere we never got to see. The host, David Ruprecht, looked like any religious man you know hates women looked. He always smiled. I never trust a constant smiler. Especially not one with Q-Tip hair. He was the perfect host for the show. Never did he give off a negative vibe and that’s what overly religious people want when they watch television. They want a guy who won’t laugh at idiots who think Bush’s Baked Beans is a cereal company.

(Someday D.R. will kill a man and an older Neil Patrick Harris will play him in the movie)

In many ways Supermarket Sweep was like The Price is Right. I liked it better. The Price is Right is an hour-long. I have trouble spending an hour doing anything let alone being tricked into thinking “Barker’s Beauties” are as good-looking as women get. Supermarket Sweep focused more on grocery item questions. The first round consisted of one partner running off after a smile and a slight shoulder rub. Smiling Dave would ask the remaining partner questions about grocery items. The partners eventually would switch and they would then answer questions in some format. The final round was called the Round Robin where the partners would switch off each question. The whole goal was to rack up as much time to shop later on. Sometimes Supermarket Sweep was a show that could be skipped through the first half. The real magic happened once the shopping began.

With their yellow, red, or their Buster Baxter from Arthur colored t-shirts now in place; teams would prepare to do their actual shopping. The main goal in the shopping was to spend as much money as possible. Sounds easy doesn’t it? Contestants were limited to 5 of each item. The big grabs were always gigantic turkeys, supersized diapers, and Afghan edible underwear. Of course 9/11 changed everything and the Afghan underwear was discontinued. There would be special events during the shopping such as hints to items containing more cash prizes, giant inflatable Jolly Green Giants with a peel off coupon representing a mystery amount beneath, and temple guards who would come out to occasionally attack the shoppers.

(This kid is so getting ready to kick this temple guard in the balls)

Time would run out and whatever was in their cart(s) would then be totaled up during the break. It was sad sometimes to see teams who only accumulated a minute and a half only spend around $200 during the shop while a team with a hefty four minutes could rake in $1500. Poor smiling David would have to act as if they had a snowball’s chance in my ass. Once the winning team was selected they would then have the chance to win a bigger prize by going from product clue to product clue in the allotted time. Rarely did these Christians ever succeed in the very last round. I always felt like they never gave them nearly enough time. Then David would smile and things would be better. If David’s smiling then they must have plenty of time. I swear. That man has some really scary skeletons.

It has been years since I have seen Supermarket Sweep. There’s no way it’s still on the air. It was one of those fly under the radar shows. I believe it came on at 6 or 6:30. Religious people are always getting home earlier than sinners like me. When I mention religion with the show it’s not like they threw in famous religious food products like “Jesus-O’s” or “Canaanite Canine Bites.” Supermarket Sweep kept the religion to a very minimum. Probably because a lot of their contestants were clearly really chipper gay men. The only time David wasn’t smiling was when contestants tried telling him they were just two guys who lived together. David did not get this. Why would two men ever live together? Maybe to share a woman. Other than that he was very confused.

(Of course they chose the banana…)

For those interested, here is a full episode:

I do my best to make my life into a cartoon. It’s not too hard. Most people I know are very cartoonish. They do stupid things like buy devices to catch road runners or watch Glee. One thing that makes life very much like a cartoon is the entrance theme. You know, music that goes with a particular character. Lots of people have entrance themes. Every time a batter comes up to the plate in baseball music hits. When a wrestler comes out for a match, he has his own special music. Even the idiots Jay Leno interviews have some tune played for them as they walk to a couch that has so many famous farts imprinted in the cushion that it must be worth millions.

Today I would like to provide some entrance themes for a particular group of people. Politicians. I don’t know much about politics at all as my favorite radio program is Coast To Coast AM which discusses ghosts and aliens, not the fat cats in Washington. Not that there isn’t much of a difference between the paranormal as there is with politicians. Both scare the shit out of me. So here they are. Songs I think politicians I see people on Facebook complaining about. Like I said, I don’t know much about them. I’m just going off of their names, character flaws, and stereotypes. Feel free to contribute anything better than what I have.

Barack Obama – Back in Black by ACDC

I’ll start simple with this one. If Obama wins again, he should use this. Get it? Because he’s back and he’s black. I can hear your laughter from here. If he loses, perhaps he could go with something like Hey, Hey, My, My by Neil Young. We’d have to use the “Into the blue and out of the black” version which doesn’t exist, but Neil’s already redone that song so many times he can make it happen. I don’t know how this would work. Unless one of those blue Kentucky people I am obsessed with becomes president it wouldn’t make sense. Leave it to Neil Young to release the same song twice and change the order of colors and call it new.

 

Rick Santorum – Welcome Home (Sanitarium) by Metallica

This would need to be a cover version where instead of Sanitarium they say Santorum. The basic chorus of the song would go “Rick Santorum, leave me be. Rick Santorum, just leave me alone.” I don’t know much about Ricky. I do know that he seems to get shit on a lot by my massively liberal Facebook friends. I don’t get how you could hate someone so much that you post mean things about them on a Facebook status. That’s like the ultimate insult and always gets someone to change their vote, right?

 

Chris Christie – Tomorrow by Silverchair

You need to know the chorus to this song to get this joke. You also need to know that Chris Christie is one huge fat fuck. He’s the governor of my home state of New Jersey yet I have never heard anyone say a single nice thing about him. I know he’s screwed over the teachers and the cops. I kind of get why though. People are stupid and they want lower taxes but they also want teachers and cops to get paid a lot and be plentiful. You can’t have both. That wouldn’t make sense. Anyway, he’s still a fat fuck. Listen to the chorus where they say “fat boy” over and over again then you’ll see what a hoot this is.

 

Herman Cain – Big Dumb Sex by Soundgarden

This guy really fell off the radar. I think it had something to do with a sexual assault, no? I hope so. Otherwise this joke makes no sense. I guess I could add it into any politician. They’re all sexual perverts. The chorus to this selection is simply “I know what to do, I’m gonna fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck you-fuck you!” which is basically the summation of every politician ever. Both literally and financially.

 

Mitt Romney – Anything by The Killers

Way too easy. Mitt Romney is a Mormon and so is the guy from The Killers. I could go with a few different selections. “Can You Read My Mind?” for the people who think he’s a bullshitter who isn‘t letting us know what his intentions are. For those who think he’s great I could go in the direction of “Mr. Brightside.” But because I’m in charge here I will go with my favorite song by them, “Don’t Shoot Me Santa.” Nobody wants to get shot by Santa. If he runs on this platform, of preventing Santa from shooting my face, I may have to contemplate voting for him then not doing it.

 

Rick Perry – Paranoid by Black Sabbath

Have you figured out yet that I know nothing about country or pop music? This would have to be another cover song where the lyrics are slightly changed. Obviously instead of Paranoid it would be “Perrynoid.” I never understood the lyrics to this song as it’s Ozzy singing it. I don’t understand much of what Rick Perry’s thought process is on his beliefs. Let’s not change anything then. For the sake of giving this shit-bird a bad theme, he gets a Lady Gaga song since he hates gays so much.

 

Michelle Bachman – Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Need I say more? Simply read about Mrs. Bachman for 5 minutes and tell me she isn’t. I only know this song because my sister listened to this all the time when she was 5. She’s a Colombian drug lord now.

 

Newt Gingrich – The main theme from How the Grinch Stole Christmas by the dead guy who sings it

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Gingrich” has such an amazing ring to it. He divorced his wife while she had cancer. What a Michelle Bachman! He has such a weird name too. Like too weird where he will never be president. What’s with guys with names like Barack, Mitt, and Newt in politics? I miss the days of everyone being named George or Andy. The only difference between Gingrich and The Grinch is that Newt would never steal Christmas. He’s not nearly as smart as The Grinch to pull it off. Oh, I went there.

 

Ron Paul – Crazy Bus from the television show Arthur

Say what you want about Ron Paul, he’s nuts. That’s all you had to say? Okay then. He’s different. I will give him credit for that. I would love to have him as some sort of advisor. He pitches random ideas and when he comes up with something good we use it. I don’t think he’s presidential material. He reminds me too much of a normal eared Ross Perot, who by the way I voted for in the 4th grade presidential election. He got 25 votes in the entire school of about 600. My friend’s older brother said that it was a good choice because Ross Perot likes sports. He wasn’t being sarcastic either. See where my political influences came from? No wonder the world is ending in a couple of months.