Posts Tagged ‘violence’

I am not a violent person. I’ve never really been in a fight outside of recess and those always ended with someone crying because they got dirt on their sweat pants or landed on their favorite Pokemon card. Despite my non-violent ways I used to feel the need to carry weapons on me when I was an older teenager. For probably two years or so I always had at least one knife hidden in my pocket. Was I paranoid? No. Not at all. I thought I was a badass to carry around illegal concealed weapons. Today I brag about all of the cool street fighting weapons I have owned as well as tossing around some advice on how to use them for a quick kill.

Swiss Army Knives: Don’t worry, they get more violent than this. I’ve always had at least one Swiss Army knife to my name at all times. Right now as I type this I see two of them. Swiss Army knives aren’t very useful to me because I don’t drink and never have to cut bomb wires. The only way you could ever kill someone with a Swiss Army knife would be to get them a shot to the eye. A nice corkscrew to a pupil will do a lot of damage. Of course, you could also attack the anus, man’s most vulnerable spot. The anus is always a kill shot as we learned in Ben Hur or Spartacus (what’s the difference?).

(You know an army is lame when they have their own fragrance)

“Real” Army Knife: I call this my Army knife because it has an eagle on it. This was the first knife I had where you could probably actually kill someone with a gut shot. The eagle image has since faded but it had a lot of good times. This is also the only knife I have that ever drew blood. I would like to say it did not happen when I was trying to scare a friend and I cut my own finger with it but that would be a lie. The best place to use this to kill someone would be anywhere on the face. The anus would work well too.

Throwing Knives: Not only do I own three throwing knives of all different shapes, I also have a body straps they can be placed in and a knife throwing board. I haven’t used the board in years because if you miss then you end up with a knife wound in your wall. I only remember strapped the knives to my ankles once and it was while driving through the New Jersey Pine Barrens expecting to find the Jersey Devil or a 17 year old Snooki but of course back then I wouldn’t have known the difference. To kill someone with these knives it’s not so much about the location you hit your enemy in, it’s more about how hard and accurate you are with the throw. But if I had to say where you should aim it would be the anus.

Brass Knuckles: Otherwise known as paper weights by people who are easily fooled into thinking weapons have other uses, brass knuckles are a favorite among tough guys. I’m not very good at throwing punches so I haven’t had much use for these. I would probably be better off hoping my enemy tripped on the brass knuckles or got his fat fingers stuck in them. You can’t really kill someone with brass knuckles since it’s more about your own strength. However I did read in Judo: A Gentle Beginning that a nice shot to the anus with a pair of brass knuckles may cause major damage.

(The most popular book in my elementary school. It literally took me 3 years on the waiting list to check it out. Did I read it? No. How could someone named Jeannette know fighting techniques?)

Old Memorabilia: I guess I wouldn’t use these for anything other than scaring a naked girl tied to my bed since they’re actual war memorabilia but they should be mentioned. I own a Soviet Bayonet and a German pocket knife from the 1940s with this weird symbol on it that looks like two Z’s crossing each other. The bayonet is pretty intimidating and thick. You could easily slice someone’s throat with it or cut out a man’s anus. The German knife seems more like it was something probably used for cutting bread. The symbol on it looks way too peaceful.

Butterfly Knife: Butterfly knives are incredibly awesome and I have one. This was the knife I would carry on me a lot because it was fun to play with. It’s like a sharp nunchuck. I like the word nunchuck. It makes me think of throwing a religious woman out a window. The butterfly knife is more for flash than anything else. Do I need to say the best way to kill someone with one is to stab them in the anus? Didn’t think so.

(How can someone who can do such a cool thing look so lame?)

Switchblade: One time someone asked me for a comb and I accidentally handed them my switchblade. He was blind so instead of slicking back his hair he scalped himself. The problem with switchblades is you have to grease them up to keep them fast. I use oatmeal soap so I can no longer use my own forehead to grease up the knife. Switchblades are good for attacking hands or wrists. I’m not sure how one would work on an anus but I would guess very well.

Machete: Probably my most dangerous weapon if you don’t count my charm or my ability to drop things on people’s heads. Despite its size and reputation, the machete is pretty cute. It has my name carved on it and even has a sticker from the manufacturer. This is the latest weapon I’ve received as I found it pointless to keep stocking up on the same old things. We all know machetes are great for chopping off heads. I would keep the machete away from any anuses as it would be way too messy. Machetes can do a lot but one thing they cannot is solve bloody anus stains on the carpet. Stick with chopping off heads or arms if you ever think about getting one.

(The only picture I bothered to take of my weapons. I keep a lot of strange things in the fridge. The machete is there because it dulls the blade and makes it easier to cut through bone. I’m making that up)

Do you own any badass weapons? Guns are not badass. Guns are like more expensive slingshots.

What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. That’s my feeling on 3D televisions. Most films aren’t shot in 3D. The ones that are usually are children’s or star blue animated people. Outside of the classic Home Improvement episode where they filmed in 3D, I don’t remember there ever being a big deal about seeing something on a TV pop out like it’s really there. What would they do? Have Neil Patrick Harris’s tie sway and almost hit you? Would Kim Kardashian’s ass come inches away from your face? I certainly don’t need the zombies on The Walking Dead reaching for my ears. If you buy a 3D television then you are basically saying let Joseph Kony kill children. That’s money you could spend in making a sequel to help take him down. Maybe this time it won’t be shot by a guy who masturbates in public. And we all know what masturbating in public leads to, war.

(Whoa! Whoa!)

The first war that ever happened was probably between a married couple. Back then when there were 8 people alive that was pretty big. People started having sex more and that made more people exist. Wars got larger. Weapons got bigger. Arguments were more petty. Two opposing sides would argue over who the forest that neither of them ever went into belonged to. It was a pretty violent time in those ages. Police didn’t get paid overtime and the pens had yet to be invented for laws to exist. Dark times indeed.

The first major wars that I know anything about are the old Greek ones. You know, Helen of Troy and other exaggerated stuff. The Greeks were big on overstating how epic something was. They said Helen of Troy was so beautiful that a war started over her. Thousands of men died because they wanted for another man to have sex with Helen. Have you ever met a hot Helen? That’s not even a Greek name. That’s something the chick with the fat lips who works in a library would have. The kind of girl you’re not quite sure if she’s retarded or not because she always wears overalls. Their big war was depicted in the movie 300. That’s a war that actually did exist unlike many of the other things the Greeks talked about. Do they really want us to think that they weren’t all homos? The men wore silk dresses with a bow in their hair. They were preschool girls with Democracy. Or am I thinking about Romans? Either way, I’m making up facts as I go along.

(A Modern Day Greek Warrior)

Jesus was born in the year 0. He was killed when he was 33 years old by the bastards of the time, The Romans. 33 years old is pretty young. Adam Brody is almost that age. I would hate if the nerd from The OC outlived Jesus. It’s not fair! Have I ever mentioned how annoyed I am by Italians? Look no further than the Romans. They were the Greeks with prettier women. I don’t believe the Romans made as many great contributions to society as others may. They invented straight roads? Who would invent a crooked road? That seems like more work. They pretty much killed whoever they could in Europe but eventually the walls came tumbling down basically overnight. They blamed Uranus, the made-up God of the asshole.

My history between Jesus dying and Christopher Columbus is very hazy. I’m American. Be happy that I acknowledge the existence of Palestine. There were lots of wars during that time period. Guys like Genghis Kahn led the charge. One in every six people living right now are related to Genghis Kahn. I’m not. No white people are. So that pretty much makes 98% of all Asians related to him if you want to really get down to the numbers. That’s kind of sick. That would mean every time you see two Asians holding hands you’re seeing incest. Stupid Genghis Kahn. Couldn’t keep his dick behind his weird bearskin flap that he probably wore.

The Crusades was the other big war during this time period. I think there were about 80 of them. At some point you have to call it quits. You’d think if you were going somewhere in the name of God yet kept failing that God might be sending you a message to let the people living there at the time be. But the English knights needed things like the Holy Grail which Jesus drank out of. What would they do with the Holy Grail once they had it? Would all of the knights in the round table get to take it around for the day like the Stanley Cup? If I found the Holy Grail I would make Harrison Ford fight the Monty Python guys for it. I doubt either side would care. Maybe Harrison Ford would. He hasn’t done much since Air Force One. I blame Liam Neeson.

(Just because your wife died doesn’t mean you should steal jobs away from Harrison Ford. Take your Scottish accent back to wherever you come from)

When the United States of America was discovered it meant more wars started to happen. England of course was always fighting with France. Those two are so silly. It’s like Chinese people fighting with Japanese people who they always did. I think it’s because back then you had to kill someone and you could only kill those closest to you. Pakistanis would have loved to have killed people in Ecuador. Too far though. And what could they fight about? Who makes a Subway sandwich faster?

Wars took place all of the time in the United States. We wiped out all of the Indians, almost. A few fled to casinos, the rich snobs. America’s first big war took place for their freedom from England. That was called the Revolutionary War. One teacher told me that we weren’t really free until we won the War of 1812 which took place sometime in the 1800s. That’s when our national anthem The Star Spangled Banner was written. A man named Sir Francis Scott Key wrote it. I know, what a faggy name. Our national anthem is pretty gay. It’s impossible to dance to though which is my biggest problem with it. I like to be able to dance during a moment of silence, you know? So things aren’t so somber.

Then came shit wars like Mexican-American War where men in raccoon hats were heroes. Yuck. The Civil War was pretty cool and even had a song by Guns N Roses about it. I won’t go much into the war. Listen to the song instead. Overseas the Russians were fighting the Japanese in the Russo-Japanese War. I had a baseball coach with the last name Russo. He was a dick. That’s why I would have rooted for Japan.

(Coach Russo informing his son Matt that he is already growing up to have an apple-shaped figure)

The century turned and we had two World Wars. Both of them were called the wars to end all wars. Really they were the wars that led to more wars. Korean War, Vietnam War, wars in the Middle East over riverbanks, and countless others were spawned because of previous wars. Even our current wars you could trace back to WWII. I was going to do it but I think I might be wrong. I’m still going to live by that statement though.

I don’t think war is ever a good answer to a problem. It never solves anything and leaves too many people dead. What good are dead people? Yeah we can experiment on them and finally say how shitty they were without feeling bad, but war still isn’t the answer. Let’s drop rhymes, not war crimes.