Posts Tagged ‘ways to avoid meeting hot chicks’

I don’t have any incredibly traumatizing memories from my childhood. Some people were hurt really bad physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, or robotically. Despite not needing to turn my mind spotless for eternity or whatever you call the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure, there are a few silly things from when I was younger I would like to forget ever happened.

1) To scare away classmates I used to threaten to kiss them

Maybe this isn’t completely factual accurate because I did it to kids who were not always classmates. Even at a young age I had such poor self-esteem that I knew a kiss from me would be the worst thing I could do. More importantly I knew the early 90s was still too soon for the American public to accept homosexuality. I was such a clever kid. Such a gay clever kid.

big lips

(I bet this guy never even speeds. He’s terrified of going to prison with those lips)

2) I used to pluck my mom’s chin hairs and I liked it

My mom was never a bearded lady but she would get the occasional chin hair. I’m not sure if she specifically asked me to plug them for her but I did volunteer many times. There was something fun about grabbing the tweezers between my fingers then yanking out a hair from her face. This taught me the importance of vanity and never letting yourself get convinced what’s important on the inside is what matters most.

chin_shave

(Why doesn’t she just convert to Islam? She can cover it up all the time)

3) I used to scratch my dad’s beard for him and I liked it

It’s clear now I had a strange obsession with my parents’ facial hair. I don’t know exactly why I liked scratching my dad’s beard. I think it was just so thick and I imagined treasure could be pulled from it. At times I hoped I would be able to scratch out a big piece of dandruff but I never did. He always said he enjoyed my gross ice cream covered hands scratching his beard; however I’m pretty sure he was lying. At least I can always say I have scratched another man’s beard for him. That’s got to be on someone’s bucket list.

IMG_6734 bearbeitet 01 Kopie

(I swear the next picture won’t just be of a random person’s face)

4) In first grade I thought cable was a channel, not the thing channels are on

All of the cool kids ambushed me one day in first grade with questions. I’m not sure why they thought I was so interesting but they did. Their question was whether or not I had cable at home. My response was “What channel is that?” I knew cable had something to do with TV. My only mistake was thinking it was an individual station. Normally this would be an easy and forgettable mistake but these kids were really cool. One went on to be obese. Another gained a thousand more freckles. The third was a redheaded Jew. I miss those days in first grade when you could look like a Dick Tracy villain and still be popular.

cable

(Do we have to wonder why no one has ever heard of this comic book character?)

5) I blew many chances at being really popular

My school bus usually had a lot of popular kids on it because the town mayor insisted they help balance things out with me living where I did. One day while going home two popular girls got up from the back of the bus and sat near the front where I was. They asked me if they could be my best friend. I said “No” because it was the safe thing to say. The same girl one time asked me what kind of cologne I was wearing because I smelt nice. I told her “None, I’m just covered in Speed Stick.” She loved and I didn’t understand I was telling a joke because I really was covered in Speed Stick.

speed-stick-deodorant

(Lather yourself in this and you will definitely get laid or at least be bothered by someone asking you what that smell is)

6) The most popular girl in school had a crush on me

All right I’m lying, she didn’t but she definitely had some kind of interest in me which is really bumming me out right now thinking about it. We had very few interactions in our time together. Whenever we did interact she paid very close attention to me. Ninth grade Physical Science Level B was when we interacted with each other the most. She sat directly behind me. One time she was talking to the kid with the weird big eye about the Chili’s restaurant theme song. I had the perfect opportunity to turn around and in a deep voice say “barbecue sauce.” It would have been the first thing I ever said to any of them all year long and it would have been tremendous comedic timing. I could have been so cool. Instead I chose to sit there in silence and giggle about how 11 years later I’ll be lying around in my underwear writing about this experience for a blog trying to decide which would be an easier suicide option, poison or jumping off a cruise ship. Poison is a lot harder to get than you would think and cruise ships are always floating about.

(Don’t be fooled by the title. This poorly directed series of images was never on cable…whatever channel that is)

What’s a quick little memory from your childhood you would like to be able to block out? Nothing too serious. I don’t earn enough money off this blog to be your fucking therapist.

College kids are lame. There’s a reason why men on Craigslist always want college girls to come over and give them a massage. These creepy men know only an idiot would do such an uncomfortable thing. My time in college was pretty lousy. I wasn’t a film major as this title may suggest because my community college knew we weren’t good enough to stick with anything filmed over 22 minutes so they called the major TV/Radio. The thing is I meet a lot of film majors in my life whether current or graduated. Today I categorize film majors into the personalities and traits they have. Like the films they tend to make, they’re not very original.

1) The Artist – Nobody likes an artsy person despite what you may think. The only reason artsy people have friends is because they have no shame and they’re a good coat-tail to ride. Hanging around with an artsy person means you can meet other people who hate them as much as you do. The artist sees films as that, art. They’re pretentious and their attempts at being original confuse everyone. But they took a risk and they’re good at filming things in black & white so the teacher at least gives them some respect.

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(The second image to come up on Google when typing “artistic college student.” As you can see, college kids have no artistic talent. Those flowers don’t even look like vaginas)

2) The Fan – This person became a film major because they love movies. For their birthday they got an AMC gift card and when they were 18 they lost their virginity to the center of a DVD. Some of their ideas are okay but most of all they want to be Siskel or Ebert without the cancer. They’d be better suited as an English major where they can learn how to write better and like other English majors, waste their time.

the-fan

(Robert Deniro once took his fandom too far in a film called The Fan. Then he did it again this year with football and nobody seems to point out it’s the same movie with a different sport)

3) The Hot Chick – Why would a hot chick ever want to be a film major? I think when these fall through the cracks it’s a requirement for them to fill a class. Plus she’s insecure and knows everyone in the class will fawn over her. Her insecurity comes from when her dad used to film her play Robin Hood naked in the basement with her brother so she’s really trying to get back at the camera. Hot chicks who are interested in film should become actresses. Leave the creativity for guys like your child molesting dad.

average

(In a film class this chick is Scarlett Johansson)

4) The Average-Ugly Chick/Butch Lesbian – This makes up 90% of female film majors. What is it with lesbians wanting to make movies? You got Boys Don’t Cry and everything with Hilary Swank. The worst thing about dealing with these girls is you have to pretend like their idea isn’t bad. It’s rare a woman ever comes up to me with an idea and I think it’s brilliant. The biggest problem is women like to tell stories about themselves on film and quite frankly nobody wants to hear the story of some 20 year old girl’s life. Oh you love Twilight and your boyfriend hits you. Take a class on writing shorthand and fetch me my coffee.

coffee

(See, she’s fucking thrilled. She even has a state-of-the-art phone in her business)

5) The One Hit Wonder – When it comes to film majors these are the people who usually are the most normal. They’re really good at one aspect of filmmaking and the rest is a total fail. The biggest problem in my lessons in school was the teacher had to pretend we all potential to be good at every aspect. If he was an honest man he would have told the artist to pitch an original idea, have the fan check to make sure it hasn’t been done before then dumb it down, force the hot chick into starring in the thing, and then hand the ugly girls boom mics and tell them to stay out of everyone’s way. We probably could have made a good film if we all worked together. Instead we got 12 pieces of shit only highlighting our one skill. My skill of course was how great I was at not knowing what plugs went where.

jeswa2

(Put any electronical equipment in front of me and this is what I see)

6) The Time Waster – Have you ever met someone who you know is wasting their time on whatever it is they’re doing? Take a class on television and you will find a million of them, even if the class size is 6. There are so many people out there who think their ideas are so brilliant that it has to be on TV. Hey, I’m probably one of them. Specifically the time waster has no redeeming qualities and they’re usually pretty bossy. I find the best way to deal with a time waster, no matter what subject you’re supposed to learn about is to do a really piss poor job at whatever you task is and ruin any hopes they have of being the next Jenny Jones. The Time Waster makes me wish we lived in Roman days where they decided your job for you. The Time Waster’s job would be something involving human centipedes testing, at least I would hope so.

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(Look how big this empire was. The Romans had the right idea on how to do things. Kill the weak and feed grapes to the strong)

What’s your least favorite college major? Mine would be photojournalists. I don’t like people who go to school to write captions.