Posts Tagged ‘women’

The weather is warmer which means pretty girls are showing off and ugly girls are lucky that I often have sweat in my eyes and treat them with some respect because due to the sweat in my eyes I cannot quite make out how unattractive they are which if I could see them I would probably have a disgusted look on my face.

I think I handle myself pretty well in the presence of a pretty girl. It’s very simple. I treat them badly. I act like they mean nothing to me. I value their opinion as much as I would that of a caterpillar. The only difference is a caterpillar has never told me about her boys problems and I felt obliged to listen like I have in the past.

When I think about it this isn’t some strategy. I don’t treat pretty girls badly because I know it’s what will make them attracted to me. I do it because I’m a realist who knows the chances of a pretty girl randomly approaching me with a proposition are very unlikely. It’s a lot of work to win a girl over and this just isn’t work I am willing to put in right now. Can you believe women expect us to learn their names now?

Sometimes my interactions with beautiful women come off as cold and malice; I think. This is just working on assumption. I don’t small talk with anyone really let alone someone I find attractive. When I see a pretty girl on the street I think of all of the mean things she is probably thinking about me without knowing anything about me other than I have been following her home for way too long.

My comfort level with the fairest of the fairer sex is usually awkward because I have nothing to say to an attractive woman other than to drool over her. I know she doesn’t want that and certainly I don’t want to be it to her. I tend to live my life on extremes. I can either chuck semen at you by the handful (my natural instinct) or act as if you are the Elephant Man, whom for the record I would not throw any semen at.

If you happen to be a pretty girl reading this and I treat you badly I would like to apologize to you. My intention was to show you respect the only way I could which just happened to be ignoring everything you say.

mila kunis(Fuck off Mila Kunis. I don’t have time for you. You don’t like me anyway)

Sometimes I wish I was in high school these days to see what it was like. I’m not that old and even already things have changed a ton. My high school had only a minimal Internet connection. This was a strange thing because I took a class on website design without actually having access to the Internet. I have no clue what they were thinking because it didn’t make any sense at all. I think schools do have Internet now, right? They must. I still remember being 17 and a kid got porn on his PSP and it was a big deal. Man those were the innocent days of 2005.

One growing trend I have noticed is how it’s cool for people to be nerds. Of course we’re all smart enough to know these hipsters are phonies. A good majority of them are attractive and are doing this because the attention they get is never enough. They wear fake glasses, tattered clothes, and grow obnoxious beards for the lone sake of being ironic. People are supposed to care about the way they look and now these hipsters spend twice as much time looking “accidentally pretty.” This goes for the males and females. Any male who spends more time on his appearance and enjoys shopping is indeed a pretty man. The only things a man should ever enjoy buying are condoms and duct tape, always together in case something goes wrong.

Not necessarily hipsters, but still pretty awkward girls who are outcasts and nobody seems to like them are all over television and in movies. I know that last sentence was poorly written and my back hurts way too bad to try to figure out how to make it more readable. My apologies. But you get what I’m saying right? In real life when a girl is pretty she’s pretty. She has confidence and the world is for the most part hers. It takes me out of a movie whenever I see girls who appear both in looks and her personality to be totally viable dating candidates. Here are a few I have noticed aka the part where you can skip down to.

Linda Cardellini (Lindsay Weir) from Freaks and Geeks

linda cardellini

I get it that she acts a little strange, but she’s certainly got a cute enough smile to not be such an outcast. Couldn’t they get someone a little less attractive? It’s not like she went on to do anything after other than work as a nurse on ER. That’s the equivalent of a red shirt on Star Trek or a Storm Trooper in Star Wars or an ogre in Lord of the Rings or a British kid in Harry Potter or….

Ashley Rickards (Bethany Pruitt) from Sassy Pants

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I finally watched this movie, the one with Haley Joel Osment as a gay person. It was actually pretty good and the main girl was so sad and pathetic and pretty I wanted to hug her and tell her that things will get better. There is no way a girl as cute as her would ever have the problems she did. This girl is also the star of an MTV show called Awkward. Just no. She looks like she would be really mean to me if I ever tried talking to her.

Tara Lynne Barr (Roxy)  from God Bless America

tara lynne barr middle finger

At one point in the film the girl wants to know if she’s pretty. Of course she is. I mean, don’t you have to in order to be an actress not named Cher? Then again Cher kind of made her career as a musician more than an actress so she’s a bad example. TLB as her fans would call her would never need to go on a killing spree in order to find something more to live for. If she has really bad self-esteem she could always date Mitchell Musso.

Alison Brie (Annie Edison)  from Community

annie

I think in the first season they had no idea she would get as popular as she did. About midway through they started sexualizing her because they realized they had a big-breasted gem cupped in the palm of their hands. On the show she plays a nerdy girl who studies a lot. I don’t remember any pretty girls ever studying when I was in school. They were all too busy trying to memorize really mean lines on how to reject me. Why must you hurt me so much Alison Brie?

Anyone from Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, etc.

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Case in point, all three of these girls played slightly awkward girls on their own Disney Channel shows. The one in the middle was this past year’s #2 on Maxim’s Top 100 hottest. The one on the right was #1. Poor Demi Lovato on the far left (and yes you probably didn’t know who that girl was) only finished at #26. Often discussed by me on Kidz Showz, we are made to believe that pretty girls can be dorky too. I blame Zooey Deschanel. She is probably the least klutzy person ever. If she was as big of a dork as she pretended to be she wouldn’t be famous, end of story. I don’t buy this klutzy Zooey thing. Shouldn’t her legs be covered in bruises?

I don’t know what the point of this was other than to try standing up for the true average girls out there. You know, the girls with the ugly smiles and faulty skin. Sometimes I like looking at pictures of celebrities without makeup. Although these pictures are purposefully unflattering, I still think the average everyday female is more attractive than some glammed up actress.

So what’s the solution? I need to remember that movies and TV shows are not accurate portrayals of life.

I thought about posting a pair of breasts and leaving things be, but men are much more complex than that. We also like football, beer, and fast cars. Nothing makes me feel more feminine than seeing the media’s portrayal of a man. I hate football, don’t drink beer, and every car I’ve ever owned can only go 0 to 60 in 60 minutes. Maybe I’m just more clockwork on the inside and I’m different from all those other guys out there. Yeah, I really don’t think so.

I was having an email conversation when my counterpart said “This sounds like a blog post.” She was right. Admittedly, sometimes I will get an idea in my head and work it out in a conversation before trying to write it all out for the public to see. This wasn’t exactly the case in this situation but I agreed with her, what I had to say deserved to be in a blog.

The basic conversation was her friend was insisting to her that she knew what a man wants. Keep in mind, this female who knows everything about men had her first kiss three months ago. Three months ago I made turkey burgers on the grill for the first time. Where’s my Turkey Burger restaurant? I’m an expert now, right?

turkey_burger_feta

(Doesn’t this turkey burger image make you want to have a real burger instead?)

Summarizing this idiot’s ideology on what a man wants the best I can, she said a man wants her. All men want this girl. It’s fine to think people “want” you and all because it boosts your confidence and whatnot. I’ll insist to myself all women want me and if I was to turn them down they’d work really hard to get a job with an office atop a skyscraper just so they could jump out the window and kill themselves because I’m not theirs. I may take it a little far, but it helps me sleep at night when the sassy black ghost who lives in my closet won’t leave me alone.

black-woman-attitude

(I was actually going to try to mess around with this picture and make her more ghsot-like but I know you’re all smart enough to realize a ghost would never live in my closet. It’s way too messy)

For you, other idiot girls who think you have men figured out, I have created a list of things the average male desires in a woman. By average I mean me. I’m average enough, especially in appearance. But I do believe men want the same basic things from a woman. The problem is expressing these things to another person. I’m not perfect so I won’t tell you how to express these things. That’s your part. I can lead you to water but I can’t make you clean out your ass with it or however that Benjamin Franklin quote goes.

Benjamin-Franklin-9301234-2-402

(“A penny saved is a penny to throw at the Jews.” – Benjamin Adolph Franklin)

-Sweetness: If you’re sweet any guy no matter how hard he might seem will fall for you. I could never even entertain the idea of associating with a female who isn’t a complete sweetheart. Have some compassion and get a little upset when I make fun of a crippled person, but not too upset.

-A Little Adventurous: Movies always have these daring women who help to break men out from their shells. They’ll break into someone’s house or something and the man will be all leery saying it’s not a good idea. Breaking and entering is a little too adventurous. A little adventurous would be something like trying new foods or inviting your friends over to watch sex happen. Show a guy something new and he’ll want to learn more.

-Good Sense of Humor: Girls always say all they want is a guy with a good sense of humor and scientists have determined from this statement that women are liars. Women don’t want a funny guy. They want a funny guy who also has more qualities they seek. A good sense of humor in a woman is a major plus for all men. Guys want you to be their biggest fan. And don’t fake laughing or tell a guy he’s funny when he isn’t. It makes truly funny people like Andy Dick look bad.

-Slight Overdependence: Men like to know you can’t make it without them. We want to know we can easily make you cry. Make sure there are enough things you share where he can do it better than you can. Why do you think toilets were invented? Shitting in a hole is so much cleaner which is why I do it.

-Unaggressive: It’s a huge turn-off for most guys when a woman is overly aggressive. That’s not to say you can’t be at times. I love a woman who can take control of any situation, but of every situation it goes from aggressiveness to bossiness. Girls who say things like “I know what I want and I make sure I get it” should die. There’s only one voice that sentence can be said in and it’s in an incredibly bitchy voice. Instead of being aggressive try using reason. Don’t push people out of the way or whine to get your way, learn something called compromise. Maybe if you figure out what it means you won’t die alone.

Single female readers, you’re welcome.

It’s hard for me to say exactly what it is I find sexiest about a woman. It can vary from person to person. Physically I would say legs are my favorite. Oddly legs are also my favorite part of the chicken, mostly because drumsticks are fun to eat. I used to have this problem where whenever I would think about a woman with sexy legs I would sneeze. This problem was half my lifetime ago so feel free to send me pictures of your legs. I think I like legs on a woman because it’s not overly sexual but it can be if she uses them properly. There’s also the mystery about what’s at the top of the legs. Trust me, it’s not always what you expect. I could go on forever about the amazing things women can do to turn me on which would probably turn into some vampire erotica so I won’t. The topic today instead will cover things women should avoid doing in order to win my heart, my body, and my wallet. From what I have learned so far in life women care about those things in reverse order.

1) Smoking – Any kind of smoking a woman does is a huge turn-off for me and for many reasons. The first is smoking costs a lot of money. Cigarettes, pot, and crack are expensive. Not to mention you need to buy a lighter and a few other accessories. Women ask for money a lot too and if I say something like “Maybe you should quit smoking” I end up having to sleep on the couch in my apartment while she lies in my bed. I have never seen a woman with a cigarette in her mouth and thought about kissing her. Don’t they make your teeth yellow too? I hate the excuse that smoking helps you relax too. If you need to give yourself cancer in order to relax you already are a drama queen.

jaime-pressly-abs-smoking

(At least put on some pants before you decide to die younger than intended)

2) Never Smile – Girls should smile non-stop. If I was president I would have women slaughtered if they weren’t smiling. I hate when a girl, no matter how much she hates me, no matter how much I creep her out, refuses to smile at me. Be nice, say hello, and act as if I’m retarded if you must but flash me a gorgeous smile or else I’ll assume you’re a cold bitch.

stern face

(Smile you’ve got a cool hat on. And by cool I mean ugly)

3) Doesn’t Take Care of Herself – No, I’m not saying girls who don’t masturbate turn me off although I will tell them they’re missing out on some fun alone time activities. I mean more about girls who don’t at least try to look presentable. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact I don’t want a girl to be perfect. I want a girl who’s a little too thick in some places but you can tell she works hard at being the best she can. Ideally men want girls with some meat on them so stop blaming us and the media for saying “thin is in” because most guys like big breasts, a thick ass, and thunder thighs. Make sure though that your thighs don’t extend below the knee or under your arms.

1_gymEmpty

(Use it)

4) Bad Grammar – Whether it’s speaking or writing, if a girl spells more than the average word wrong I cannot deal with her. Girls have to understand there’s this thing called spell check and it should be used when unsure. I also want to go asexual every time I see a “GuRl TyPe LyKe ThIs.” Although it’s a consistent pattern, it’s not cute. It reminds me of Captcha and I have never gotten a Captcha correct on the first try.

grammar_fail

(I understand why parents send their children to private school now)

5) Drinking – I don’t mind if a girl drinks. What I do mind is a girl always drinking around me. Am I that boring where you need to invite your ex-boyfriend Jack Daniels over? I think I could only ever tolerate being around a drunk girl on Friday or a Saturday night, possibly one weeknight too but on rare occasions. Drunk girls not lying on their backs naked in a bed are the most annoying things on the planet. This comes from a guy who currently has a cricket stuck in his ear.

jack-daniels

(If you’re a female and this picture makes you drool with excitement then I’m afraid I’ll be eating cheesecake alone tonight)

6) Troublemaker – There are certain ways to spot a girl who is a troublemaker. Troublemaking girls have these qualities: tattoos, piercings, enjoy the Fast & Furious films, can convince you their addictions are not addictions, colorful hair, many male friends, know where to buy fireworks, have pushed me out-of-the-way to buy cigarettes. They don’t need all these qualities of course to be a troublemaker. I warn you however, when several are present she’s probably a bad seed.

female-tattoos-14

(So tell me, which relative are you trying to get back at?)

7) Overly Dependent / Not Dependent Enough – I’m a guy so I like when a girl dependents on me for survival. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had to kill animals with my bare hands to feed a hungry girl. Still, I don’t like that dependence to get to an insane level. The happy medium should be an independent woman who can take care of herself, but at times needs help. All things in moderation. Didn’t Julius Caesar say that? I think he tried saying it again while he was getting stabbed. A moderate amount of knife wounds and he may have survived.

wheelchair

(Perfection! Probably doesn’t smoke, an adorable smile, thin, has a good job so she knows good grammar most likely, hasn’t had a drink since she drove through that house, no visible scary tattoos, and will need me to do a few things but since she is an independent career woman I won’t have to do everything for her because of a little thing called pride)

What are your turn-offs when it comes to members of the gender you’re attracted to? Don’t say “Not being you Mr. Tim” because I already know how I make you all melt.

In Japan they have these things called glass ceilings. Above these glass ceilings are young girls walking around in skirts, with or without panties, doing things girls do like talk about David Beckham’s hair or pick wedgies when no one is looking. I’m not even quite sure if that’s true or not. I heard it from someone who wanted to go to Japan. I’ll take his word for it. His mom is dead and his dad is in prison. People living in those situations know a lot about the world. I’m not here to talk about the Japanese and how perverted they are. I am instead here to talk about a more important issue. The glass ceiling. It’s helped keep women down in the world. Away from reaching their potential. Away from being as fucking awesome as us men.

I do find it ridiculous that women still make less money than men do. Actually no. I don’t think that’s even true. I find it ridiculous that I still believe this to be true. Is it true? No way in hell. Maybe in Louisiana. Women can’t even own property there. Or maybe that’s another one of those lies people tell me. It makes sense though. Have you ever watched True Blood? They respect the living dead more than they do the waitresses at Merlot’s. The only situation I believe a woman should be paid less than a man for doing the same job would be–actually no. There is no job. In fact I think women should be paid more for certain jobs. Sword swallower? Pay those women 6 figures. Nude Liberty Tax sign twirler? Get her in Forbes. Sex delivery woman? Even if she’s wielding an axe, I’m letting her in and tipping her 200%.

(Okay, this one is getting turned away. Not because the axe. I just have never gone for the whole unsexy librarian look)

My inspiration for this post comes from listening to the radio. A woman was on the sports talk station I listen to. Yeah I know, so cute. A woman pretending to understand sports. She probably thinks the Red Sox and the White Sox are the same team. It just depends which footwear they happen to have on at the time. You girls and your fashion. So adorable! This woman never gets a chance to have her own shows on the radio station. She’s terrible too. They never let her answer phone calls. She’ll ramble about her nonsense slit opinion. I remember during the Super Bowl two years ago I was driving and guess who was on? This woman. During the one time when nobody is listening to Philadelphia Sports Radio, they put the dame in to try to entertain us all. I almost feel bad in a way. She seems to really care about her job. She tries so hard. If only she knew how to properly pronounce players names and rated them on statistics, not how cute their butts are.

(“The Red Sox are my favorite hockey team. I love Manny Ramirez’s dreadlocks. Touch down!” – females talking sports)

I’ve always worked under women. No, not like that. Although I have done that too. I don’t want you to think I’m some unadventurous cold fish here. I needed to clarify. Some men have a problem with women as their bosses. I never really mind. I get along well enough with the female brand. I’m not one of those guys who feels like less a man because his boss is female. Men who are bothered with females in charge of them usually have some underlying issue with their mothers. They probably come from a long line of failed relationships. At least if a woman is your boss you can always flirt your way out of a problem. Forgot to wear pants to the office? Call attention to your crotch. Women love that stuff! You make a woman turn you into a sexual object and you can get away with whatever you want. Remember though, women want more than sex. They want to be held and told how special they are. I don’t recommend saying this to a female boss. Somehow I see this as a stronger form of sexual harassment than simply putting a bright red dot on your balls and making it a target for her eyes.

Thing is, the glass ceiling holds back men a lot now too. Events like Enron, Watergate, and Tyler Perry movies have turned white men into evil villains. At least Disney mixes up their bad guys. God damn it Tyler Perry, not every white person is out to get you. And does Madea always have to be in your movies? Big Momma’s House was fantastic! But it was fantastic as a one-off film. Not a movie a year thing. If I ever run a company and hear an employee speaking positively of a Tyler Perry movie they’re getting the Final Destination 2 glass ceiling treatment.

(It scared me how this character’s name was Tim. I always figured this was how I would die too. My death logic is so savantly simple)

Deep down inside I don’t think the glass ceiling is very relevant in today’s world. Anyone can achieve anything they want so long as they believe and put in the effort. Or put in the effort. Even if you don’t believe it but work hard enough you can. Santa has never answered my prayers. I do it on my own. Women are successful and famous for some of the most ridiculous things these days. Paris Hilton is famous and nobody really even finds her all that attractive. If her name was Francine Orton and her dad was an Eskimo totem pole painter we would have no clue who she was. And Kim Kardashian, the only reason she’s famous is because O.J. Simpson hates blonde women. I say we take O.J. to court for all the travesties the Kardashians have brought out into the world.

(If Reggie Bush’s dick does not fit, you must acquit)

Where have you seen the glass ceiling still exist? Race is a much bigger factory in today’s business world than sex is. Or maybe I don’t hang around enough Wall Street coke addicts. But why would a woman even want to work there? I don’t even want to work on Wall Street and I’m a man’s man. A real guy’s guy. I have a hairy chest and second-hand smoke. I pop my collars because I don’t know how to keep them down. Red meat makes me gassy, but I eat it anyway. What I’m really trying to say is the glass ceiling no longer exists. If you see it, say something to someone and people will roll over. There’s the ACLU to complain to. They would defend a Nazi rapist if they could.

“The worst thing men ever did was give women the right to vote.” – my 9th grade history teacher who was fired right before Christmas. He also told us the anthrax mailer was caught, but the FBI didn’t want Americans to know so they would live in fear. I think his name was Mr. Oliver Stone

Hay, water, and convicts. The word bail means a lot to them. Bails of hay are gigantic and make me sneeze. You can stack these bails then hide things like needles or Natalee Holloway inside and they will never be found again. When bailing water, you have problems. The act of scooping water out of your boat and back into the larger amount of water surrounding you is known as bailing. You will probably only ever be in this situation if you are in a rowboat with a hole in it. Why does one need to be in a rowboat? We have bridges and iPads now. It’s stupid to go anywhere near water. Finally convicts. They can pay money to get out of jail for a few weeks until their trial. I’m not exactly sure how this all works as movies about lawyers bore me. Unless you consider The Mighty Ducks a movie about lawyers. The back of the DVD case does start with “Hotshot Lawyer Gordon Bombay…” so I’ll put it right up there with To Kill A Mockingbird.

(The photographer told Emilio to strike a “get a load of these kids” pose. Good job Emilio. You struck it perfect)

The worst kind of bails are the ones people do to us. This is known as bailing on someone. I’m sure it’s happened to you. If not you’re probably the bailer. It’s like that old joke about how most people look like birds. If you look around the room and don’t see someone who looks like a bird then you’re the parakeet faced buffoon. I want to discuss this awful friends today. The ones who always seem to be bailing. They’re unapologetic, forgetful, and almost always overweight. I’ll start with that right away.

Why do overweight people bail a lot on plans? Okay, I am an expert into the psychology of overweight people. Spending a good portion of my life being a member of the club, I have a deep understanding of why they do a lot of the things they do. Fat people bail simply because they’re shy and have really bad social anxieties. You can almost excuse it. There’s something deeper than them being a bad friend that needs fixing. The only reason it should not be excused is sometimes this can screw you over. I had a friend who swore he would help me with a project for school. I checked in with him every day. He even agreed to get his brother and his brother’s friends to help out too. The day came when I needed the help. Guess who didn’t answer his phone for an entire day? It’s not that all overweight folk do this or do it for this reason, but I have a deep feeling this is the case. Realize most people have social anxieties. That should not be something to hold you back from helping out a friend.

People who bail often enough end up making excuses. Most are pretty unbelievable. Nobody gets that many flat tires. Nobody has a job that schedules them last second this frequently. Nobody has a grandmother who dies every month then miraculously resurrects in order to die a month later. I find that the best excuse is to not make one. Be straight up. If you don’t want to hang out with someone don’t tell them why. Just say you cannot do it. If they ask you can say because they’re boring and you feel boys are less likely to approach you when she’s around due to her sweating problem. Or you can take the less scenic route and say you’re not in the mood. Really, the best thing to do is not make plans you do not 100% fully intend on making. If someone tells me they want to hangout with me (ha, I know right? Let’s be hypothetical for a second) I will decide within the first few seconds if I want to hang with them or not. When I don’t feel like it then I will not really pursue much further. What I’m really trying to say through the bags under my eyes I have right now is that if you make plans with a friend, barring death, you better damn well keep them.

(Sorry I can’t hangout, my grandma came back as a zombie and is killing Vietnamese nurses)

As with most social faux pas, girls bail much more than guys. Other than my one fat friend, who I was used to bailing on me by that point, I haven’t had too many people do it to me. This can be because upon meeting most women I mime squeezing their breasts and we never become friends. I always am hearing about girls bailing on each other. This all comes back to the whole thing about women being dishonest. Girls care so much about their perception. I had planned on writing something about the media, but I have nothing more to say than this. The media is not to blame for the way people are perceived. That’s our own fault. The media gives us what we want. If enough of us hated Kardashians they would be executed on live TV. Well, a 7 second delay, but I think I can wait. Not a second longer though. Yelling about how the media wants you to look a certain way is garbage. Would you really want to watch a movie with a bunch of ugly people in it? Rent a Julia Roberts movie so badly if that’s what you’re into. All I’m saying is that the media doesn’t want you to be a blonde bombshell. I do. You do. Everyone both of us knows does. Attractive people make them money. So what was it that I started to say here? Oh yes, girls kid themselves too much. Don’t buy magazines or watch TV if it bothers you so much. When enough people agree with you then things will change. Pinky swear.

Keep your promises. Bailing on a friend’s plans is breaking a promise. Do you like when people break promises to you? No. Of course not. You hate President Obama and his ability to say one thing then turn around months later saying “Well, I wanted it to be the other way–” I didn’t realize the economic bailout meant saying you’d fix everything then bailing out on doing it. Why am I so angry at Mr. President today? He gives greet speeches and has a nice smile. He also gives me hope! I’m not sure what about, but he gives it to me hard.

(You’re kidding yourself if you think this is the way heroes smile. Clearly the Lord of the Flies right here)

Do people bail on you often? How do you handle it? Have you also noticed I use the words “that” and contractions way too much in anything I write?

P.S. I will be unavailable to contact until Friday. I’m not Natalee Holloway’ing on you, I’m Adam Walsh’s head’ing. That is to say, I will return via mail in horrendous fashion.

What makes a woman fall in love with a man? I’m told that it’s a sense of humor, unwavering confidence, a friendly smile, and a strong overall personality. That’s what I’ve been told by single women who will die alone. They expect too much out of a guy. Their dream men are in dime novels portrayed on the covers by Fabio. I do agree that it’s personality more than anything that attracts one person to another. This is a good thing. It allows us odd-looking human beings to find a mate. Thing is, there are some guys out there with no redeeming qualities yet they get the girl. What do these guys have that I don’t? Tattoos? Rock hard abs? Unemployment checks?

The film The Scorpion King is a pretty good example of a similar phenomenon. The main character portrayed by the people’s champ The Rock is on a mission of vengeance against some guy who I’ve never seen in any other movie. He gets Kelly Hu to fall in love with him by murdering a lot of bad guys. Yes, he’s The Rock. He’s shaped like a God, has a bright white smile, and he’s multiracial. What is it about multiracial people that we love so much? They’re like a buffet of nationalities. The point is, he never really does anything to get the girl to really like him. Yeah he protects her, but he’s also the one who kidnapped her. It’s a pretty shallow lesson when you think about it. She clearly only liked The Rock for his looks. Never did he do anything romantic. Unless you count getting shot in the back with an arrow romantic. I don’t. I’m not conservative enough for that.

(“Catch this!” I think this is the third time in a week I mentioned The Rock. I think I should be shot with an arrow for nerdness)

Other films have similar antics. Recently I watched the Ryan Gossling film Drive. For a movie called Drive, there wasn’t much driving. I am happy though that the Incubus song didn’t make an appearance. I can’t like Incubus based on the fact that their band name comes from a demon who impregnates girls on the night of their first period and their big song has the lyrics “Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there.” Whatever tomorrow brings? What if tomorrow brings her arriving at your place with your best friend in her pants? Stop being such pussies with an awesome band name. But anyway, in the film Ryan Gossling’s love interest falls for him almost immediately. I think all he did was help her with groceries. He has no real personality and never smiles. How can you love someone who never smiles? Yes, again like with the Scorpion King there’s a lot of saving and protecting. But policemen do that every day. That doesn’t make them sexy.

(Their interrogation tactics do!)

I haven’t seen it in a while, but Last of the Mohicans had a major love story to it. I don’t remember why or how they fell in love. It was love at first sight though. Similar to the whole Pocahontas shit. I’ve been through it before and I want to go through it again. There is no reason why John Smith could ever love Pocahontas for non-shallow reasons and vice versa. They spoke completely different languages. Didn’t she also die when he brought her back to England? Imagine that. He brought her back to meet his parents and she gets sick and dies. All that time she spent hanging around a raccoon yet it’s a head cold that kills her. John Smith was a shallow mind-controlling asshole.

The film Die Hard is guilty of this too in a way. Bruce Willis is separated from his wife and he goes to visit her in LA. He’s a New York City cop and he flies all the way out there for her stupid office party. He even brings her a big teddy bear. For you Europeans not familiar with the size of the US, that would be like flying from London to whatever is 3,000 miles away. After he manages to kill all of the terrorists single-handedly (the guy from Family Matters does kill Karl, I should give that bisexual black man some credit, yep the dad from Family Matters is bisexual) all of the arguments between he and his wife seem to be forgiven. I suppose if you follow through the series further their relationship doesn’t work out. So maybe this isn’t a very good example. But you did learn that Reginald VelJohnson is bisexual which could come in handy someday if you’re ever trying to get a threesome going.

(I guess when you own shirts like this you take whatever you can get)

Some credit should be given for any woman who has a thing with John Favreau on film. His characters are always so bleak and annoying. His face makes him even less appealing. As awful as his credits always are, he does have some charm and at least has a personality unlike so many action heroes. I could say the same thing about Ron Perlman. He’s basically Future John Favreau. What they have that these other love makers don’t are the things women in real life look for in a guy. These girls don’t just care about a strong moral code and the ability for their man to kill a lot of people.

So what is the appeal of a tough guy who doesn’t actually save the day? You know the type of person I’m talking about. Those Ed Hardy gangster wannabes with pencil thin sideburns. They always seem to get the girls. Girls with large breasts, thin waists, and empty heads. Dream girls. I need to have my family murdered. Then I will get vengeance and along the way meet a woman who will like me because I’m quiet and know how to kill men with my bare hands.

I’ve never been all that into pornography. I know, a male born between the years of ever to present not being all that into porn sounds like a lie. I must be a rare commodity. I’m one in a million for real. I should tell this to girls more often. Say to them “Hey I’m not really that into looking at other people having sex. I truly am unique.” then they feel silly because we just met and they’re handing me back my change. Do you know what I hate about getting back change? I hate it when I get more than quarters in change back. I feel like they judge me that I keep the quarters. I need to do my laundry somehow. My breath, arm pits, belly button, and ass smell bad enough without having to wear dirty clothes. Don’t look at me funny when you see me going through my change. I’m doing it for your nostrils Indian woman at Dunkin Donuts with the nose stud. Stop trying to look 13. End Andy Rooney rant.

Despite my lack of pornographic aficionado-ism I do like looking as sexy images. Mostly in movies though. Without having the Internet at home or cable I have to make do with the DVDs that I own. Problem is I don’t really own any romantic comedies. Say what you want about their implausible plots and predictable endings. The stars of these films are usually attractive in some shape or form. All you have to do is ignore the crappy jokes, the moments of socially awkward attractive women falling down way more than humanly possible, and the tall handsome blue-collar men with beards that seem to have gone unnoticed by all other women on the planet who aren’t starring in this movie.

I’m looking at my DVD collection. That’s actually a lie. I’m sitting on my couch in the dark typing sitting on a blanket with butterflies on it. Let’s pretend I’m standing near my DVD shelf which also contains batteries, thank you cards, and a fingernail. Some of these movies are sexier than others. There isn’t much visual stimulation in some of them though. You may have to be a bit of a movie buff to know the exact scenes I’m talking about. If you’re unsure you should go out and watch it. Most of them are pretty old so I guess you can’t go out and watch them. Unless you’re one of those weird people who watch movies on their laptops outside. You don’t know how much I hope a rainstorm damages your movie night.

Full Metal Jacket:

Not a sexy film by any means. It’s a mostly male cast which could be a problem for a 110% straight guy like me. I can’t even eat the ends of hot dogs or mushrooms because of what they remind me of. Penises. I guess the best scenes to look at for sexual stimulation would be the famous “Me So Horny” part or the end when they kill the female sniper and she begs them to kill her. Sorry if that’s a spoiler. The movie is as old as I am. If you haven’t seen it yet that’s your own fault. The “Me So Horny, Me Love You Long Time” chick isn’t that terrible to look at. At least she’s not dying like the sniper in the last scene. I choose that part, the one with the Vietnamese prostitute over the one with the dying Vietnamese sniper. There’s nothing sexy about dying. The Grim Reaper doesn’t have enough sex appeal for me to ever enjoy it.

(The only marines you can see in this are fat or wearing glasses. We had nerds fighting in Vietnam. No wonder we lost)

Reservoir Dogs:

Again, another mostly male cast. The only instance I remember a woman appearing was the pregnant chick that Mr. Orange shoots in the car. Now you can’t really tell that she’s pregnant or anything. She’s only on-screen for a brief moment. What this means is that I wouldn’t feel creepy being aroused by an expecting mother. She does reach for a gun in her glove compartment and that’s what gets her shot. Chicks with guns are always sexy. I’ve never shot a gun, but would love a subscription to a magazine like “Babes & Ammo” if that’s even real. I’d go into something critical of the jumper the woman wears in the scene, but I won’t because I’m not quite sure if that’s what she was wearing or even what a jumper is. There’s not much of a choice for this film. I have to go with the pregnant lady that gets shot by the Lie to Me guy.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

I sure do love guy movies with guns. This Clint Eastwood classic, everything but the wagon painting shit of his is classic, does contain a few more woman than the previously mentioned. There’s the Spanish woman in the beginning whose husband gets killed. I don’t think she talks at all which is a plus when it comes to women. Then there’s the part when Angel Eyes finds the woman in the hotel and smacks her around a bit. Again, a pretty arousing scene to see a woman get slapped by a renegade cowboy. I’m kidding, sort of. There’s also a fat woman during one of the hanging scenes with large breasts. She doesn’t do much other than act disgusted at the crimes committed by Tuco, the Ugly. Am I boring you with my knowledge of this film? It’s my favorite so excuse me for that. Clint Eastwood at this point in his life kind of had a female model’s body too. Really tall and thin. If it wasn’t for his five o’clock shadow I would consider any scene he was in as visually stimulating.

(He even stands like a stuck up girl getting yelled at by her mother)

The Mighty Ducks/The Sandlot:

These are just about the same film. I was going to put Bad News Bears in here (I know the original and remake), but don’t feel like trying to come up with a reason why I find Marcia Gay Harden sexy. Too hard! The Mighty Ducks and The Sandlot mostly only have the moms who are sexy, sort of. The mom in The Mighty Ducks is a widow. You know what that means. She’s desperate for attention! The mom in The Sandlot has remarried Denis Leary. All this means is that she doesn’t mind having sex with Bill Hicks cover-comedians. I think the mom might also be Karen Allen who for some reason I do have sexual tension with. Yes, tension. The Sandlot also has the hot lifeguard. If she wasn’t 18 when that was filmed add in “hot to the children” to the last statement.

Fahrenheit 9/11:

Politics aside, this was a pretty good film. I agree less and less with Michael Moore the “moore” he opens up his fat mouth. I like that his last name is Moore because that’s always what he asks for, more. I know, silly fat joke. But stop complaining about the economy. You’re fat. You’re clearly doing well. I haven’t watched this film in a while. But if I had to find something visually stimulating about it I’d probably have to go with clips of Condoleeza Rice. She doesn’t really do anything for me in normal situations, but we’re going hypothetical. If I had never seen a woman before then sure, why not get with Condy? She’s got a nice smile–if you squint. She’s a powerful dominant woman who has proven that she can carry her own. That’s got to be a turn on for me, right? Okay, maybe I’ll skip this one. All of the 9/11 footage would make it almost impossible to get aroused at all. You could throw out as many nude girls as you want at me during this film, I just don’t think I could get anything out of it.

(Definitely the face I’d see if Condy ever read my blog)

What are the least sexy films you own? I bet you’re overlooking something. Really, stretch hard for it. This will be harder for men of course. Women could find SAW sexy if they’re into The Princess Bride. You know, for nostalgic reasons.

Apologies

Posted: January 28, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I would like to take today to apologize for a few things. Nothing that I’ve done. Shit. I’m perfect. I have not a thing to apologize for to anyone. That’s a sign of weakness apologizing. That’s what tough guys that nobody likes say.

The apologies I would like to make are for men in general. I want to be honest for a moment because everything else I have ever said in my entire life has been a lie. Men are jerks. We are. Sorry. That’s how Zeus made us. Not our faults. Still, that doesn’t mean that we can’t apologize for being created so half-assed. I know there are women out there who say stuff like “God created man first because you always start with a rough draft” or something similar to that. I fucked up the quote, I think. But you get the point. Women who use that quote usually get punched in the face by the rough drafts they’re dating. It’s a silly argument to make. Why would God even need two attempts? It’s the same argument that you make with children. The second child can say to the older child “mommy and daddy wanted another baby because they did it wrong the first time.” I don’t think that to be true. A much better thing to say would be “mommy and daddy loved me so much that they decided to try to make perfection again, but they fucked up so badly that they didn’t try anything else after that.” I’m a middle child. I have an older and a younger sister. I like to say that they fucked up the first time and wanted to get it right the second time, they got it right and went to try for perfection again, but they fucked it up again and figured why try creating such beauty (me) again. That’s my logic for remaining existing.

(You really believe that this is completed?)

Onto my apologies for men. The first thing to apologize for are dick pictures. I’m sorry. Every girl has received a picture of a male genitalia at some point. It’s one thing if it’s solicited or asked for, but when it comes out of the blue then there is no reason for it at all. Girls do not get turned on by random pictures of the Loch Ness Monsters of private parts. It’s weird, strange, and reveals what a social outcast you are. Women want to be wowed. Showing a picture of your dick via text message makes your dick less like the Holy Grail and more like a bag of Peanut Chews. Very few people have seen the Holy Grail and for those who have, it’s an amazing experience. Many more have seen bags of Peanut Chews. They’re kind of everywhere. Pictures of your dick also have the same reaction as does the opening of the Lost Ark of the Covenant. See the first Indiana Jones movie as a reference.

My second apology is for cars in general. The inventor of the car, Henry Ford, was a man. Cars kill lots of people. They’re almost as deadly as asbestos. Asbestos is weird. It’s one of those things I know exists, but have no idea what it is. That’s what you get for watching The Price is Right. All you hear about are dog balls and mesothelioma. Men and cars are a deadly mix. I’m not a fan of men who love their cars. Those men rarely love others or even themselves. They need a large piece of metal to get hard. I am the complete opposite of a car fag. I’m not even quite sure how to pop the hood of my car. My car makes a loud sound not because of a muffler, but because it’s 10 years old and has 150,000 miles on it. I think there might also be a squirrel stuck underneath of it screaming for help. Or maybe it’s a Mexican. They kind of sound the same to me. It’s gibberish. So sorry for cars. And sorry if you’re Mexican. Don’t blame me for that. That’s between you and your maker.

Frat boys suck. That’s why I’m apologizing for them. They used to be white jerk-offs who play football and now they’re white jerk-offs who play football and wear their hats sideways. I wore a hat sideways once. It was because I had it on backwards and was punched for doing so. I was punched so hard the hat spun 90 degrees. The person doing the punching, myself. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a frat boy. What could I say to a man who likes to give other men piggy back rides? Giddy-up? And take note, when I say frat boys, I mean every male under 30 who owns a shirt that says “Tap-Out” or has ever gone out in public in a plain white t-shirt. Why would a company call itself Tap-Out? That’s what you do when you lose. Oddly enough, anyone who wears those shirts has already lost at life.

(A loser from two different angles)

When guys get together they think they’re on the radio. That’s why I want to say I’m sorry for laughing at everything our friends say. Really, the intentions are good. We’re trying to let our shitty friends think they’re funny. We also want them to give us the same courtesy. All guys do is laugh at each other. They name a sexual act then laugh.  We’re full of testosterone. You ladies have it easy. You have something called estrogen. That sounds like a Gatorade ingredient. Testosterone is such a strong word itself. Test is in the name. Nobody likes tests. The only way to get testosterone out is to break something or laugh at a friend quoting Family Guy. I’m aware how annoying this can be, but like Mexicans, I did not choose to be a man. Sorry if this gets on your nerves. But even you have to admit it’s better than us slapping you every time you speak, which is what we all want to do.

(Chris Brown isn’t abusive, he’s honest. Like how he’s a gigantic Colorado Rockies fan…doubt it)

Finally, I want to apologize for being so incredibly dominant in the history of the world. Women still in most parts of the world do not have equal rights. You First World Women have no idea how great you have it. There are parts on this planet that you’re not even allowed to have a clitoris. I know! They cut it off like it’s a price tag and they don’t want the person they’re giving you to knowing how cheap you are. Can’t they just put some black Sharpie over top of it to cover the price? Even in America women have only been able to vote for under 100 years. It took a couple of mean and angry lesbians to get you the vote. Even black guys had the vote before you. A race of people who were taken from their homes on another continent, chained and forced to work in fields, then killed when they grew too old and weak. Men have more respect for each other than they do for you. I’m deeply sorry for that. You women are wonderful. We need to show more respect for the ladies. They provide us with babies and new episodes of Whitney.

Since I was the bigger man and apologized for things on behalf of billions of people, I think it’s women’s turn to apologize. What do you need to apologize for exactly? The first should be your stories. I mean, really? You thought that would be interesting? Another thing is making eye contact and then not having sex with us. Talk about mixed signals! Girls need to say they’re sorry for being so manipulative, pretending to be weak, and for having no souls. You don’t have to apologize for always being late. I find it cute when I tell you to meet me somewhere at 8 and you show up at 9:15 with a lame excuse.

I never would have imagined that the majority of people who comment, subscribe, and read my blog would be females. Why does this surprise me? Mostly because I’ve never had a female friend where at least one of us didn’t want to bang the other. It’s hard to be friends with someone of the other gender. You always hear about their dating problems and you think “I could make your life worth living” but instead you have to be silent as you pay for her dinner because she forgot her wallet.

I like having female “admirers.” It’s cute. The first female I ever almost became friends with wasn’t until I was almost out of high school. It was the married girl who sat at my lunch table. She was off-limits, not that I wanted any, which I guess might have helped. I don’t remember anything we talked about. I know she insisted I was on drugs because I would talk about what restaurants had the best biscuits a lot. The answer, Popeyes Chicken of course.

(Why is one hanging off the plate? Get a bigger plate or make one less next time)

Today is your day female fans. My tribute to you and all other females. You’ve got a lot of great things about you. Yes. Your boobs, your asses, your legs, your hair, your cute button noses, your boobs again, your smiles, your boobs one last time, are all wonderful. I could talk about them forever. I won’t though. That would be more of a tribute to males if I did. It would turn into an erotic tale or something else that might make women hate me. I don’t need that. I’ve finally fooled you all into thinking I’m a nice guy.

One thing that women are great at is empathy. At the very least, they’re great at faking it. I get empathy and sympathy confused a lot. The point is that women are so much more caring about the feelings of others. I can tell a complete stranger with a vagina my problems before telling a close friend with a penis. I guess if you grew up hating your mother then it might be harder. I never thought the day would come where I would rather talk to girls over guys, even in a non-sexual way. Women are so much more interesting. And I only said that last sentence hoping one will read that then have sexual relations with me.

(She doesn’t have to say a word and I’m intrigued)

I will not say that women are smarter than men. That’s a generalization. It’s no different from saying Russians are fatter than Albanians. Some are, sure. Not all. For smarts I think that a smart guy is smarter than a smart girl. But I do believe that a dumb guy is dumber than a dumb girl. For instance, if there were 10 people in a room, 5 guys and 5 girls, of all different brain levels. The order would probably go something like Boy-Boy-Girl-Girl-Girl-Boy-Girl-Girl-Boy-Boy. Is that sexist? I hope not. I’m trying to pay homage to my favorite gender to look at naked. Sorry guys, as much as I don’t mind seeing a wiener, balls are pretty weird.

Back to things I think are so wonderful about women. I think you guys have a much better sense of humor than guys. Again, not all of you, but a lot of you. More women get offended by things, but the ones who don’t are pretty damn cool. Girls like things that are clever. They don’t like simple saying of the word “testicles” like us guys do. The perfect comedy for a man would be 2 hours of Will Ferrell saying testicles. The perfect comedy for a woman would be 2 hours of wordplay. Women wouldn’t care who the star was either. As long as he was attractive. Yeah, that’s one thing you women have to own up to. A man would never see a movie because a hot chick is in it. A woman will always see a movie because a hot dude is in it. Are dudes hot? Like someone who goes by that name, a dude. It makes me think of surfers and Jeff Bridges.

(Pictures of Jeff Bridges are currently unavailable. But here’s Jeff Daniels!)

Ladies also will do something for their man even if they don’t want to. Sure, a guy might go to the ballet and be supportive. He’ll let you know that he’s not having fun with the scowl on his face. A girl will go to a sporting event even if she doesn’t know the rules or can tell which players are cute. She’ll ask questions like “what’s the score?”, “was that good or bad?”, and “can we switch seats, the man next to me smells like urine?” Girls are always up for taking chances that men are not. Even when you know you will not have fun and could potentially be killed you will do it. That’s brave. I don’t do anything unless there is an outside chance that something miraculous will happen. I’m such a coward. I belong between a women’s legs at all time (because I’m a big pussy).

Despite all of the gossiping you gals do, all of the trash-talking, all of the phony pretending to be friends with your worst enemy, you continue to truck along in life with a smile on your face. Women have this drive to succeed. Guys are kind of just there sometimes. Females are always looking for a direction to head toward. It’s valiant. There are times in my life when I’ll putter around walking into walls having no idea what I want to do. Girls have such a better idea of where life will and should take them. I’d applaud but I never clap for a woman. They don’t need to know how wonderful they are. Otherwise they might get lazy like us men.

(This picture came up when I typed in “lazy man.” How is he lazy? He got dressed and is wearing a nice shirt. That bed obviously cost a lot of money. He’s probably been working hard all week. That redhead needs to stop pouting and be happy that she doesn’t live in a time where she’d be drowned)

Yep, you girls are pretty awesome. You give birth to children, you cook meals for the family, and you do a lot of really disgusting things that even I’d blush about if I typed them out. Actually no. I’d have a completely different bodily reaction. I’ll let you use your imagination and be the sick person to come up with it. It’s fun to have people who are completely different from you enjoying what you write. I’m a white American male living in the United States of America and hardly any of my frequent readers match that demographic. It’s beautiful in a way. That we can still connect despite having so many differences. I guess it’s true what they say–

“Men are from earth and so are women. Why would you think that we were possibly from another planet? Because there’s that random weird face on Mars? That doesn’t mean men are from that planet. And have you ever read anything about the atmosphere on Venus? Women would melt if they came from there!” – a popular book title about the differences between men and women