Writing Goals & Pants Holes

I haven’t blogged here much in the last two years. At first it was because I had a job that drained me plus I had found other outlets where I could make money. I’m still primarily writing elsewhere about sports (people love sports) and seeing some success. I’m not satisfied though as writing is still only a fraction of my “career.”

Unfortunately it’s a tough industry. More and more people are learning English plus women who know how to write are no longer tossed into rivers to see if they can float. This immediately doubles my competition, which I’ll have to accept.

A large part of me still does enjoy writing on humorous topics. It’s tough for me to get rid of completely because I don’t take much seriously. I add my jabs and sarcasm in as necessary when writing about sports yet it’s still limited at times and when I try doing it sometimes feels forced. So I may be writing here a little bit more now that fantasy baseball season is over. Probably, my train rides home will include a little bit more writing about my life or how much everybody else is a silly person.

Ultimately, my writing goals include nothing specific. I just want to be able to say something, be heard, and then have someone hand me enough money to pay my rent, buy food, and have a little extra left for pants whenever they rip in the crotch. Or maybe that last one is society’s fault and they should just learn to accept seeing more flesh than they’re used to.

(These aren’t my work pants, but just so you know, all 3 of my pants I have for work have giant holes in the crotch and I have no idea what to do about it other than lose shame)

Writing about your life isn’t exactly lucrative though unless you’re already successful at something else or killed someone. Nobody is interested in the autobiography about a person who thinks their life was interesting if the only thing interesting about it was that they wrote about it. We’re not as special as we think we are and as I’m looking at Kurt Cobain autopsy photos knowing he’s younger dead than I am currently alive, it’s humbling to know how insignificant I am.

I’d love to write a little more openly. An opportunity to entertain more than inform would be dazzling! Where I’m at in life, people only want facts from me instead of opinion. I’m also tiring of editing which is why you will certainly continue to find many typos on this blog. Between writing, eating, and making sure my blinds are drawn so my neighbors can “accidentally” get a glimpse as I change in the morning, re-reading anything I write falls to the side. I can’t imagine how painful it is for you to read it once when I’m incapable of even passing my eyes along it as I type.

All of the articles I see online about getting paid to write online are outdated and reiterate the same information. The days of content farms are over. Your best bet is joining an already established site where you can break off on your own blog or killing someone. I don’t own a gun and I’m too short to clobber someone in the head without them seeing it from a mile away. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing instead and hope someone just gives me a winning lottery ticket.

Sleepless Nights & Competitions

I had a very tough time sleeping last night. I won’t bitch because it was actually more good than bad. Other than waking up at 6AM two days in a row and messing up my entire sleep schedule, I couldn’t sleep because I’m excited for new competitions in my life.

I’m very competitive. I’m the type of person that when I hear there is a new one I can enter, I do and quickly do some maths to determine my odds.

I’m in a new competition on a monthly basis over at a new blogging format I joined about 3 weeks ago at Sportsblog.com. If you happen to also enjoy writing about sports, I encourage you to sign up and make money writing about sports. However, I’m pretty sure anybody I met through this blog would guess a basketball was shaped like a trapezoid.

The important notice I wanted to make here now is that although I’m not writing here or many of the other places I used to, I am overwhelmed with the written word now to the point where it’s taking up way too much time and I fucking love it. I’m making money too. Someone even randomly contacted me about becoming the editor for his site he’s reinventing. I’ve had lots of good news lately in my writing pursuits after a miserable first week in March in just about every aspect of my life other than plenty of bees.

The current competition I am in is based on unique hits to my blog, Innings Eaters. It’s all about baseball, a topic I was always very interested, but not until about a year ago realized I could make money writing at. I know it sounds like I’m a sellout writing with the motivation of money, but I gots kids to feed! And by that, I mean I eat so much it’s like I’m pregnant and already have several other children who depend on me for food.

So, if you could be so kind as to visit the blog and click around a bit, I’d greatly appreciate it. Hell, wait until Monday when the other competition ends. If you like baseball, read it frequently and share it. You won’t do it. You stink.

Slideshow Bobs

I haven’t blogged here in nearly forever (a slight exaggeration) and I happen to be drained from writing about baseball at the moment so I figured why not entertain you fine Mohicans still checking in on me here.

I’ve been writing lots, still, but mostly about baseball. I’ve been keeping up with Phalse Philly Sports, however, I’m thinking about ending the blog when I reach 1,000 posts in the next three months. Having the blog mentioned on a sports radio show multiple times seems to be its pinnacle and I think I got everything out of it that I could.

Back in December, I began writing for a baseball site. It was fun for a short while until several circumstances led to even more frustration than my life needed at the time. I’ll go into detail at a later date, but the key thing I took away from it was the importance of slideshows and other clickbait techniques. Because I know the editor I had an issue with is stalking me online now, which is really creepy, I’m going to save the juicy details until after he disappears for good.

A combination of frustrations with my flailing writing “career” and my job which seems to have become a “career” made the last two weeks pretty shitty. Hoping to find something good, I managed to discover sportsblog.com during a Craigslist search.

Immediately I created a blog then decided my idea was too simple and I needed to not focus on one topic, rather, open it up to all baseball related news.

Since creating The Cleat Report back in July, I’ve published almost 900 posts–many being links to other places I’m writing. I thought by now I would be eligible for Adwords, but to even be considered you need to average about 600 views a day. Bloggers know how difficult this can be and if I ever want to make money writing I’m going to have to venture out in more directions.

So my new main focus is writing over at Innings Eaters. It’s unbelievably awesome because I get paid, the site already ranks high in Google, and there are plenty of competitions a boy like me can enter and enjoy. It’s far from a permanent dream writing gig, but it’s one of the best experiences I’ve had writing about baseball so far. It’s also only been a week so like the wrestling card at a WWE event, my opinion is subject to change.

That’s what I’m up to and focused on most. Life is pretty crazy at the moment so it’s nice to have something I can put a lot of energy into and get a lot back from.

(He’s making an Atheist Face)

Baseball Lives

As if I’m not already taking up too much of my time chasing an impossible dream, I began writing for a new website. This new task has taken away from working on other projects, but from what I have learned in the last year, writing seriously has a much bigger benefit in the long run than trying to make people laugh does. In fact, making people laugh is pretty much a waste of time. Why put so much effort into something a feather to a foot can?

Anyway, the new site I’m contributing for is called Call to the Pen. For those unfamiliar with baseball, it’s a slang term for–I’m not going to even bother. To view my articles exclusively I will redirect you to my other baseball site I write by myself and the page I have dedicated to this new site. I figure, if you are interested enough to click on one link, you will probably click on a second.

You can find what I have written so far here on this really long string of words that for some reason I thought should all be part of the link.

That’s it. Just wanted to share this little piece of nonsense.

I’m also spending New Year’s with a sexy lady.

No, not here. She’s only my number two and three.

Zombie Movies

The last screenplay I wrote was about zombies. I wrote it in three days over the course of a very productive yet what I’m sure was a lonely weekend with few if any encounters with the outside world. The screenplay never fully finished because what good is one more masterpiece to get discredited by the experts?

I don’t even have a title for the movie which hinders the progress. Oh and a lack of time, motivation, and skill as well.

I’m usually good at movie titles too. For instance, here are a bunch of hilarious parody titles based on the movie 28 Days Later that I came up with on my commute home from work. Not all are funny. In fact, several are terribly sad.

28 Blaze Later – a zombie stoner comedy

28 Gays Later – a movie about how AIDS was spread

28 Heys Later – a movie about greeting many people

28 Js Later – a movie about having to erase all of the Js on the screen after the key gets stuck

28 Ks Later – a movie about overpopulation in the KKK

28 Lays Later – a movie about having an upset tummy after eating too many potato chips

28 Neys Later – a movie about a whiny horse

28 Plays Later – a movie about a theater going zombie

28 Rays Later – a movie about skin cancer

28 Stays Later – a movie about frequently visiting the same hotel branch and getting rewards for it

28 Strays Later – 101 Dalmatians with feral cats

28 Trays Later – a movie about a zombie cafeteria lady

28 Weighs Later – a movie about zombie weight loss surgery

Hell Weeks

Is it just me or is everyone absolutely fucking miserable these last few weeks? I’d normally blame sunspots, but from my own point of view I can validate feeling like poop.

I guess it began when I lost on fantasy baseball. My summer was caught up trying to win money from people who work for a company that’s going out of business. I can’t feel too bad for them. After all they have children to feed while my extra food intake is just from a lack of self control.

After losing that, I felt my whole summer had been wasted and I needed a victory. Work was getting busy and I has less time to work on the creative aspect of the job as I had previously. So I decided to submit what I assumed was the best thing I had ever written to a website that gives professional and liberal reviews. Accidentally, I ordered two reviews. This was fine until I got a 6/10 followed by a 4/10. Granted the advice was helpful. However when seeking an easy victory in life it sucks to be called average.

Like I said, work has been stressful too. Between my every day duties, silly requests, and telling my coworkers to use the n word less I’ve been very busy. I’ve also fucked up and so have my coworkers. And when we fuck up, rightfully so, our boss is mad. She’s not fun to be around when she’s mad because well–she’s a she. I’m also in charge of most duties so in the end it’s up to me to enforce the law.

One small victory, and I’m talking the size of a three inch penis, was having a blog post I wrote read on the radio. The two hosts enjoyed it and made me feel good. Actually my hand made me feel good. They just supplied the background noise.

It’s weeks like the last few that make me question a lot. I was at one point so driven to succeed and make something of myself. I guess I still am. I write every day and I think I’m better at it. But who knows? It’s all a matter of opinion anyway.

I’m sitting on the floor of a train as I write this too only because my feet hurt too much to stand. I’m getting old and this Thursday I’ll officially be there. I turn 27 then. I’m at the age where most musicians die in their own vomit. I have trouble smacking my own stomach to a beat so my fate is something else.

Changing weather, darker evenings, and general reasons to be upset are what have made the last few weeks a little hellish.

All of this losing, I wonder how people on Cleveland live with themselves.

(Pepsi drinker hell)

Heartbreaking Self-Publishing Moments

Remember when I was a real eager go-getter and spent a lot of time writing lengthy books nobody really gave a damn about? Well, here’s something I wrote for Yahoo that earned more money than I think I made in the first 3 months of self-publishing books! So the lesson to be learned here is that nobody gives a damn and you are better off selling out and writing for something corporate. And in a twist of being pushy, you can get a copy of the last book I self-published for free through the rest of the month beginning tomorrow after I post this. So if you happen to read this on Tuesday, come back tomorrow and get a free copy of this amazing book I put a lot of effort into.

Five Heartbreaking Moments From Self-Publishing

Self-publishing a novel can be incredibly rewarding. It’s a way to surpass agents and constant rejection from query letters. Best of all, you have final say in your masterpiece. After I self-published my first novel I thought for sure there would be only positive moments to follow. Then I waited a week and realized the heartbreak continues. Here are five things you should prepare your heart for when it comes to self-publishing.

1) Copies Sold: The biggest part of writing a book is how many copies it sells. You can write a masterpiece, but if nobody buys it then that means nobody is reading it. If nobody is reading it then what was the point? It’s like keeping the Mona Lisa as a bath mat in the guest bathroom of someone who never has anyone over. After self-publishing, it took a few months before I accepted I may never write a book that sells a million copies. I took it hard because I already made a down payment on a yacht made of pure gold.

2) Refunds: It feels great when you sell a book, especially when you know it’s to a complete stranger. Sometimes these strangers will purchase the book then ask for a refund. Why? Why did you want your money back for my product I poured my heart into? On certain self-publishing services you can see why they asked for a refund. My first refund someone reported their credit card stolen. As much as I hate thieves, I must say this one has good taste. When people ask for a refund the author is often left wondering if it was because the product didn’t meet expectations or if the purchaser bought the wrong thing. People are always buying the wrong thing. My dad bought us barbecue sauce thinking it was ketchup for five years. We were all too afraid of him to ever say anything.

3) Reviews: Many independent authors rely on the reviews above anything else. When you are essentially unrecognizable to the public, a good review can convince someone to buy your book instead of passing it over for vampire erotica. A good key to reviews is to have your friends and family leave the first ones, without of course making it too obvious that you know each other. It’s inevitable that eventually a bitter troll will come along, read your book, and then leave a negative review. When they do, get ready to cry and think about giving up on your dreams. Never give up on your dreams though, unless you are older than 35. After that they probably never will come true.

4) Typos/Errors: When you write long-form it can be a lot more difficult to properly edit. English is a language with so many strange rules that sometimes are acceptable and sometimes are not. It starts with the whole letter Y sometimes being a vowel. Shouldn’t it just always be a vowel? After you publish your book you may read through it and suddenly find a very obvious error. To avoid this you can always have your book professionally edited. Usually though the cost of paying an editor will far exceed the amount you will make from sales. You have to determine whether it’s worth it or not. Hopefully you can find intelligent friends to help find any errors in your writing willing to do it for the price of your friendship. Seriously. Threatening to never talk to someone ever again if they don’t help you out is a great loyalty test.

5) Does Anybody Like It?: By far the most important thing is whether or not anybody actually likes the book. You can be a fantastic writer forever, but if you cannot tell an original and captivating story that meets the reader’s expectations then you have failed. Do people like the books I have self-published? I have no idea. I am still not sure if many people even like me. The most rewarding thing that can happen to you after you self-publish a novel is when someone out of the blue mentions they read your work. Most people are genuinely nice and if they bring it up unsolicited it usually means they enjoyed what they read. Then they ask you for a favor and you remember why you wrote a character based on them who gets killed.

(People with ADD never dwell on the past. It’s beautiful in some ways really…until they start screaming for no reason at all)

Other Works

Here are links to places you can find other works of mine.

The Cleat Report: Anything baseball related

Phalse Philly Sports: Philadelphia sports satire

Golden Opportunities

I had a golden opportunity arise today. Unlike you though when I say “golden opportunity” I do not mean something positive. I mean it more reflects someone peeing in your face.

On July 17, 2013 I signed up on Yahoo Voices to begin publishing online for money! Real money. Real money I have had transferred into my bank account. Money I can use to buy things. Money I could spend to have someone killed! Certainly I felt very powerful with this…umm…power?

Today all of the contributors were informed that the site would be shutting down at the end of July and no new contact would be published. Considering this is the first, and still only, time I have made money writing I am a little upset. It was an easy side gig that easily supplemented my grocery bills. While I didn’t earn a living off of it, in the time I was there I earned almost $1700, $1500 of it this year alone. Writing about sports, television, movies, and fat kids was so easy. It was pleasurable to know I could dedicate my entire evening to writing something that would be published then rewarded with money. In fact, ever since I began writing for Yahoo Voices it kind of became the most time consuming thing I would do. I put screenwriting aside because I can’t think of anything less rewarding than spending months to put together a story only for it to lead to nothing. Okay, maybe being the parent of an ugly baby is worse.

There are lots of other websites out there seeking writers. The problem is Yahoo Voices was easy. You could write on whatever topic you wanted. You only had to reach 400 words. The guidelines were so carefree. Anyone could have made a pretty penny on it. Other sites require more attention to boundaries and regulations. They want you to follow a strict format and avoid using the n-word. Well, Yahoo Voices probably wouldn’t allow it either. They barely edited though and I doubt they ever would have noticed, but it would have been a risky maneuver anyway.

The first heartbreak with Yahoo came after I was accepted as a beat reporter for the Philadelphia Phillies back in January. By beat reporter I mean I wrote about the team and I had no credentials to do it other than I submitted an article they liked. In about a month doing that I managed to get about $300 and baseball season hadn’t even started. I even was awarded something about an article of the week where they basically said I sucked but my sucking was entertaining.

Where does this leave me? I could write here, though, at this point I don’t feel the same about standard blogging. This Mooselicker blog is more for random thoughts which are not edited very much because there’s no reason to. That’s the most valuable thing I think I earned, even above money, from writing on Yahoo Voices. I think I truly did become a better, albeit sometimes more boring, writer. I flush out the information quicker and more precise. I am more aware of words I use as crutches too. I got a lot of practice there and I think the real unfortunate thing is I don’t know where to go next.

I remain active on my sports blog Phalse Philly Sports which I enjoy and there is always fresh content. The problem with that is it could never go far as it’s nothing more than The Onion for Philadelphia Sports. Pictures are taken all willy-nilly from Google without properly crediting the source and so on. I’d almost rather that never get too big as the more attention I get the less I could get away with. Until an actual offer is made where I know people are depending on me to write for it there’s no reason to put in the added effort of trying to “make it big.”

Right now it looks like I’ll….well damn I’m not even quite sure. The weather is so hot it’s hard to imagine doing anything other than following the routine. I do get plenty of chances to write at work which is nice. Still, the compensation is not the same as being able to publish a couple hundred articles and track how they are doing on a daily basis.

Maybe this is why so many writers end up attempting to murder their families while watching hotels in the Colorado Mountains during a snowstorm. It’s a frustrating gig that nobody really gives a damn about.

Now to spend my night depress-eating followed up by regret-trying-to-pooping.

P.S. Why does WordPress decide to change everything without warning every time I post something?

Shark Jumpers

I think blogging here has jumped the shark for me. Or maybe I’m using that term incorrectly. Yes, I know for a fact I am. Jumping the shark should be used when a hotshot high school student tries literally jumping over a pool of sharks while riding a motorcycle and in no other instances.

What I mean is with this blog I spent so much time promoting in the past that I can never say anything awful about anyone I actually know. This is kind of shitty in a way. Isn’t that the point of blogging? To talk shit in a cowardly way?

Not that I have a billion bad things to say about people. Most people I would talk badly about most likely don’t know this blog exists or wouldn’t bother to read it. I think this is a problem we all have with being mean. People are inherently good, but then we bring out the worst in others to the point they want to say bad things about us on a blog. So really I’m fine if you want to say bad things about me on your blog because I get it. Just don’t expect me to meaninglessly click “Like” on your post.

I actually started anonymously blogging somewhere else on Sunday, speaking in half-truths. I’ll probably do it here too in some cases just to keep it present. A half-truth, at least to me, is when you start to tell the honest truth and it hurts the person it’s about so much that you end up tossing in something so incredibly ridiculous they assume the whole thing was a joke. A classic one is God tells a man to build a boat because a giant flood is coming and then he has to grab two of every animal.

(There once was a man named Noah and everything after probably didn’t happen)

With everything going on in my life (eating lunch and eating dinner) I find myself becoming a more private person. Not so much private where I don’t go outside or interact with people ever. I’m actually much more social than I was a year ago. I have a job where I talk to people every day and on my way there at least one person’s armpit is shoved in my face–half of the time at my request to block the stench from someone else.

I don’t really have a point to this other than I couldn’t figure out anything else to write before going to bed so I figured I’d update here on how I really don’t have much to share, but at the same time I have a lot. I think my problem is finding a balance between what to say on a blog and what to keep private because to truly express myself in some ways would upset people. Never forget, I’m an angry white male in his mid-20s who never really achieved what he wanted in life. Plus my foot hurts and whenever someone’s foot hurts they usually lose control of their words.