Posts Tagged ‘youtube’

In an attempt to do more things other than write TV pilots that just sit as PDF files on my computer with nobody caring about them whatsoever, I decided a little over a week ago I should try to make my own show. I have an obsession with episodic storylines where we can watch a character grow along the way while others come and go. I tried acting in one idea I had which I still think is a great idea, only I’m a terrible actor and it would have taken me forever to do the editing because the free program I was using moved too slowly. If I wanted to create my own web series I would have to resort to animation. I found a free Stick Figure program online that I read was really simple. I tested it out and the next day I got to putting an actual idea together. The result, 4 straight days of hardly doing anything else other than animating stick figures to move, swear, and violently kill each other. In the end after what was a ridiculous amount of time I put into it, this was the result. The debut of Stick Prison an ultraviolent, bloody, foul comedy about Stick Figures in prison.


Feedback, ideas, or help in any way either creatively or simply by sharing this is anywhere you can think of is much appreciated.

Final Notes:

The YouTube URL in case you feel so inclined is: youtube=

The second episode should be out in 2 weeks.

Yes I did everything except the music. But I did have to search through a free archive for 4 hours to find something good. I did suffer.

I’m really tired.


The first time was cute. The first time for anything is cute. The first time man stepped foot on the moon, adorable! Look at silly Neil, bouncing up and down like a dog in a swimming pool. When Obama won the election I wanted to pinch his cheeks it was so cute having a black president. Even the first plane crash was pretty damn swell. You know, the old black and white footage of the plane with the wings flapping? You can’t help but laugh at the carnage that did not ensue and does now each time a plane does crash. If we went back to that old model, Lost would have been a 3 minute show and J.J. Abrams could go back to being named after Good Times characters like he should.

(President Obama looking so adorable at his inauguration in his big boy suit)

When things jump the shark, become too common, they lose their flair. It’s no longer interesting or admirable. What exactly is it I am referring to specifically with all of this? Pleas to celebrities to go on dates with the downtrodden. I’ll do my best not to shit on marines or cancer kids in this, but no promises.

If you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, let me catch you up. There’s this trend going around where common folk like you and I ask celebrities out on dates. Usually they do it via YouTube. You know, the website with videos that doesn’t have any nudity. Yeah, I think it’s useless too. I’ve never watched these videos. Why would I? I have better things to do like eating and checking my dog’s poop for worms. Finally found some! My bucket list is getting shorter and shorter each day.

I’m not positive what my first experience with these entrapment dates was. I think it was a marine asking Mila Kunis out on a date. Hey, I’d love to go on a date with Mila Kunis. I’d even ask if she wanted dessert afterwards. I’d drive to a separate place for the dessert too for Mila Kunis. I don’t just do that for anyone. It’s usually you can get an appetizer and if you’re still hungry you can pick at what I have left on my plate when I’m done. To Mila’s credit, I don’t think she ever went on the date with the marine. She politely turned it down. She gets harassed and jerked off to all the time. You really think because you have a webcam and camouflage on that she should go on a date with you? Actually now that I think about it, she actually did go over to visit him. I’m not really sure and don’t feel like looking it up. Point is, Mila baby, you don’t have to ride in a black hawk helicopter to come and see me. I bet that marine didn’t even take you somewhere interesting to eat. I’m not pleading with you to go on a date with me, just suggesting.*

*I researched it and she did meet up with him. She went to a Marine’s Ball in one of the Carolinas. Sounds like a blast.

There seems to be a new one of these everyday on the Yahoo homepage, my number one source for news other than listening to high school girls gossip at the mall. Today I learned that Michelle is a whore. That was from the high school girls, not Yahoo. There’s nothing wrong with asking celebrities out on dates, it’s just–I don’t know. Corny. It’s desperate. There are plenty of beautiful people out there in the world as lonely and pathetic as you are. Try them. Maybe, and this is a real shot in the dark, you will be more compatible with a chick who works in an office than one who plays pretend in front of a camera.

(I’m sure she makes an awesome bowl of oatmeal)

Not always are these pleas from marines. Sometimes they’re from kids with diseases. Finally, sick children making use out of their own wish. I always thought what would happen if a Make A Wish Kid asked for his one wish to be having sex with a celebrity. My guess is they’d smother the child with a pillow immediately. No way they’re letting him into the pants of some Hollywood starlet. I know it’s great to ban together to get some kid a date with a celebrity and I’m mostly jealous that I’m not even allowed to fart near one let alone feel one up, but the all that effort to help the kid meet a celebrity crush doesn’t do anything. All your hard work spent on trying to fly in–Fibi from Friends? Kids think she’s sexy right?–could be better used in other ways. If the kid is dead in the water, for sure, get him whoever he wants. Force her to touch his soon to be dead body. Make her do some magic tricks for him like pulling a cure out of a hat. Maybe I’m harsh, but I think all this teaches us is nobody gives a shit about you until you’re dead or dying. Which is true.

I could never get a date with a celebrity crush. My life isn’t bad enough. I take care of myself, I’m not retarded, I’m probably going to be stuck on this rock called earth for a few more years. If I want a celebrity to screw, I do it the old fashion way. I break into her mansion and have my way. Or I work really hard to make a name for myself. Make them want me. I hate all kinds of free handouts. Especially when they involve putting guilt on some poor celebrity into having no choice but to tell you that your video was charming but they have to politely decline your request to stare at you awkwardly for 10 minutes while you blab about how much you loved her in some terrible movie. How can any other girl ever love you after you’ve publicly humiliated yourself showing how obsessed you can be with a stranger? She knows she’ll never live up to that. Why should she even bother?

Simply put, you’re a loser if you ever make one of these videos.

So here’s my first of many to come.

Off the record: I swear my delivery is much better in the second one I made. This took about 2 hours to figure out and that doesn’t include how long it took me to realize I needed to convert the file. I had originally done a very flamboyantly gay voice, but realized I couldn’t say certain words with a lisp, like anything starting with an S. I’m also adding a link to my YouTube channel I created on my blogroll so you can look at the other things I put up there. And for good measure I’ve added a picture of Ms. Malin Akerman at the end of this post because I will get more Facebook hits from that being the thumbnail used.

I mentioned in a previous post how I had a girl turn me down for a YouTube Sensation. This is true. I had met her through friends of friends. She thought I was cool. She compared me to Bill Clinton. She said that neither of us were all that attractive, but she would still have sex with both of us. Both Smooth Willy and I were charming and captivating. We were alpha males who demanded respect. She saw this in us both. Instead she chose a boy with a video over me and a slutty president.

(“I love blow jobs.” – Bill Clinton, spokesperson for all men)

I never officially confessed my life for her. In a way, I’m glad I didn’t. It would have hurt more to be turned down for a marine who looked like Steve-O. This was a girl who sent me naked pictures on the Internet because “she wanted to know which ones looked best.” Yes, that’s exactly why. And you thought it was a shock that I believed you wanted more. I’m sorry for hugging you. I’m glad you lost your sunglasses in my car. I hope you know that the disposable camera I bought for when we hung out that one day at the beach never had the pictures developed. You hurt me so much that I threw the camera away. That felt good. Real good.

It took me a while to get over her. As you can tell, I’m still a little bitter. Mostly about myself. I know that I deserved better than that. Nobody should have to go to a diner at 3 in the morning to hear about a girl’s dreams she had last night that don’t involve you. She wanted to know my interpretation of the dream. Wow, really? Don’t you see that I’m in love with you? Of course I’m going to say that the dream means you shouldn’t get married. You stupid drug addict.

When I met this girl she already had her boyfriend. They had been dating for a few months. After knowing her for a month, she went to visit him and came back with an engagement ring. Oof! My heart sank. I still remember the day they got married. I was sitting at work wanting to kill myself or see something pop up on Yahoo about a massive plane crash into a wedding reception. I had my heart-broken, can you blame me for wanting massive amounts of innocent people to die? If you don’t understand, you’ve truly never thought that you were in love when you weren’t.

The last time I remember communicating with her was a comment on my Myspace page. It was a nice shot of me at a baseball game wearing a hat, sunglasses, a badass jacket from the Vietnam era (think Travis Bickle or Charlie from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), looking 30-40 pounds lighter than when she has last seen me in person. She said something along the lines of “When was this taken?” I know, she might have just been curious. I like to think that she said it with regret in her life decisions. I did once tell her that I did not plan on getting married until I was 30. She joked that she’d be divorced by then. So maybe there is a chance that I can marry her then break her heart too. I totally would. I’m vindictive and evil like that.

(This picture is like 5 years old. My posture is much straighter now and I am no longer in fear of being recognized by paparazzi)

(For your viewing pleasure, a more recent photo of me back when I played with the Montreal Canadians. I seemed to be slumped back not forward now)

What hurt most was who she chose over me. Quite frankly, I’m a pretty cool guy. I’ve had attractive girls ask me for my phone number (most were sales people), I’ve had European girls ask me for my autograph (they were kind of bullied into it), I’ve had complete strangers come up to me and ask to have their picture taken with me (they probably had never seen someone so odd-looking), I’ve made promises to myself and kept them (I always put the toilet seat down), the only thing I’ve ever become addicted to is self-improvement (the downside is I cry at every little mistake), and I’m overall the most wonderful person you could ever meet. I don’t know if I actually believe it or if I’ve tricked myself into thinking it’s true. One theory I have is that I’m a very convincing actor with no real personality. I become whatever character I need to be to please whoever happens to be around me. The real me is very mean and doesn’t like to go outside much. That wouldn’t be a very coveted role for a thespian which is why I try to hide how much I hate whoever I am talking to. Sometimes it’s harder than others.

I would like to do a little comparing and contrasting between myself and YouTube Sensation who is the reason behind my anguish. He was never a huge hit online. I wasn’t dumped for Chocolate Rain or Star Wars Kid. Even dumping me for the runner of a RANDOM FEMALE BLOG!!! would be nice. That wouldn’t bother me. I’m not sure what his actual video included, but I’m sure it was nothing that Weezer would ever include in a music video.

Onto the comparing and contrasting! Finally! I will list points as to why I am better than YouTube Sensation. Why the first girl I ever thought I was in love with made a mistake and why given the chance, I would throw a rock through her windshield. If Carrie Underwood can be a crazy bitch, so can I.

(When I grow up, I want to be rich and successful and still hate the men who hurt me)

Point 1:

YouTube Sensation looked like Steve-O from Jackass. I mean he was the spitting image. Jackass hasn’t been popular in years. How’s it feel to be married to that? Someone once told me that I looked like Neil Patrick Harris. I don’t. I couldn’t look further from it. That doesn’t matter though. One person thought I did. How I Met Your Mother does very well in the ratings. Neil Patrick Harris is the big get of the show too. NPH has been popular since the 90s while Steve-O had his 15 minutes of fame getting whacked in the testicles with a hippo jaw. I win this round.

Point 2:

YouTube Sensation had a lot of views on his videos. I have never had a YouTube video get more than about 20 views. That means I don’t need a video to clarify how brilliant I am. It also means I am better at sex.

Point 3:

YouTube Sensation had gained 15 pounds since she knew him. Since she met me, I lost 40 pounds, gained 20 back, lost another 30, then gained 20 back. I’m unpredictable! While he’s married to her continuing to have his weight go up, I’m over here zigzagging every which weight with the scale. Do you want to be in a marriage where you know the exact weight of your spouse a year before it happens? You’re insane if you do!

Point 4:

YouTube Sensation was a military man. I don’t know which branch. Probably the Navy because he’s so gay (I’m allowed to make fun of him, he was a road block to happiness). I have never joined the military and probably never would. That means less of a chance of me getting shot. Nobody wants their husband to get shot. Mark this one down for me.

Point 5:

YouTube Sensation was originally from Texas. Do you know who else is from Texas? George Bush! Both of them! I’m originally from New Jersey. Do you know who else is from New Jersey? Bruce Willis. It’s simple. Bruce Willis is greater than George Bush. George Bush can send in as many troops to kill terrorists. Bruce Willis only needs one pistol and an elevator shaft.

Point 6:

YouTube Sensation was stationed in Florida. She had to move to Florida to be with him. Moving is so annoying! She wouldn’t have had to do that with me. Also, the humidity is so annoying down there. I know New Jersey has a lot of bad things about it. Do you know what we don’t ever have? Deadly hurricanes! Enjoy your deck furniture flying away bitch.

I’ll stop at 6 points. The rest is all assumption on genitalia size. I don’t remember what nationality he was, but I do remember her telling me that he could only get her off with his tongue. That’s not a real man if you ask me. A real man can get a girl off with a simple wink. Come anywhere near me and I’ll be sure to give you several.

The way I was treated is comparable to how a girl treats a gay friend. She knew I wasn’t gay and that was the problem. If there was some sort of misunderstanding then by all means, you are forgiven. Setting me up with your fat friend because we were both fat doesn’t make things good. It makes things worse.

You got married when you were 22. Now you’re like what, 26? The current life expectancy of a female in the United States is around 77 years. 77 minutes 22 equals 55. That’s 55 years of being married to him. Well, assuming he doesn’t die first. The average life expectancy of a male in the United States is around 73 years old. So that’s 51 years of marriage. You’ve been married for about 4 years already. That means you have to do this about 12 more times over. And that doesn’t include advances in medicine that will most certainly take place. Chances are, you’ll live to be around 100 or so. 80 years of the same Steve-O crap. Enjoy. You will be married to him for the rest of your life! Possibly. You’ll be together when the Cubs finally win the World Series. You’ll be together when man first takes a step on Mars. You’ll be together when the first infant is elected president. Til death do you part! (imagine me saying that in a very spooky voice)

(Mean Mark Calloway doing his signature “What’s up?” gimmick based off the old beer commercials. He has a very spooky voice)

Here’s some advice to anyone who experienced anything similar to what I have. Move on. It’s the best thing you can do. I was turned down by a girl one time and a female friend said “Why are you so upset? It’s just pussy. There’s lot of it out there.” She was right. Unnecessarily vulgar, but right. There is always someone else out there. Even finding other mates who don’t quite work out can get you out of that rut. Just knowing that you’ve “still got it” is so valuable. I went about two years still wishing things were different. Then an 18-year-old girl asked me to buy her beer. She told me I had gorgeous eyes and suddenly everything faded away. No more fear, anger, or sorrow. I had found someone new. I bought her and her friends the beer and one of them kissed me on the cheek. Her name was Wendy and that reminded me of Peter Pan. Suddenly I was grossed out and didn’t want to be around girls for a while. I got over her. So can you.