Posts Tagged ‘zac efron’

According to sources, today is the Big Game. I cannot say the more commonly used word for the Big Game as I was sued in 1997 for doing it. Ever since not being able to pay and having my legs broke, I have been very careful not to make the same mistake again.

I have little experience in watching the Big Game. Only in 2008 when the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots have I ever watched a game all the way through. It was the lone Big Game Party I was ever invited to. I think I ate some chicken. There was a kid that looked like Zac Efron there. I ate some hot sauce too and didn’t spill any.

zac-efron(Speaking of hot sauce, where’s this kid’s belt???)

I remember watching a little bit of a Big Game many years ago. I did not understand the sport. It was at that moment I realized I might be a woman. Not that all women are incapable of understanding sports. I just think there are a lot out there who do not. When you call them the Cincinnati Bangles every time your team plays them your interests are better suited for 1980s pop music.

The+Bangles+-+Hazy+Shade+Of+Winter+-+5-+CD+SINGLE-51059(Good move adding “Includes: Walk Like an Egyptian” because nobody would buy it otherwise)

The last few years I was usually doing something else on Big Game Sunday. Since I haven’t had cable in a while my viewership has been limited to the radio broadcast. I use theater of the mind in order to have something to talk about with others the following day.

Last year I listened to the game on the radio. I lied to a couple of people the next day and said I was at a Big Game Party because saying I sat around at home listening to the game on the radio because I do not have cable because I find it unnecessary and distracting while doing pushups every 10 minutes to better increase my desirableness to the opposite sex and only a few members of the same sex would have taken a long time.

the-ideal-male-body-weight-chart-attractiveness-2(I don’t match any of these! Darn media and their portrayal of the human body!)

I will probably have to lie about watching the Big Game again this year because I work with mostly men who think they know sports. One said Pete Rose is the all-time hits leader with 3,000 of them. Another said the Detroit Red Wings are the second best team in the NHL this season. My apologies to 1jaded1 of Stuphblog for bringing this up.

Come Monday I will probably try to finagle my way through a conversation, pretending as if I actually watched the Big Game. Again, this is easier than the long explanation. Considering the one guy said “What am I supposed to do with my W-2 Form?” we can assume he never worries about money. His father is also a New York stockbroker so he hasn’t had a hard day in his life.

Enjoy the Big Game everyone. Or don’t. Doesn’t matter to me.

One thing I can never get over is how in every teen movie there is a legendary high school party that takes place. I don’t know about you guys, but my high school days were not filled with parties. One time three of us got together and went to Applebee’s and shared appetizers. That’s the closest I ever got to living a Project X life. But a funny thing happened to me after graduating. I was 20 years old when I was finally invited to an awesome high school party. Today I share with some of those details.

I was invited to this party because I was friends with a loser who happened to have a popular younger brother. The younger brother looked like Zac Efron and Charlie St. Cloud had not come out yet so Zac was still cool. The mother of the house was on vacation and the father was dead. If they didn’t at least try to throw a party it would have been a crime.


(Why does Zac Efron look like a blind person in this picture?)

I was lucky enough to be one of only 6 people my friend invited. He would have invited more, but he was my friend so he wasn’t very cool. Two of the six people he invited were girlfriends or wives of his friends. I felt a little old going to this party until a married father showed up. Suddenly my boyish good-looks shined through and I had no fear of creeping anyone out too much.

I arrived at the party looking as incredibly badass as possible. I had on a killer jacket, a spiked up colorful white Mohawk, and a smile that could make you shit. Instantly as I walked into the house I became the center of attention, probably because I had a ridiculous hairstyle. I actually went pretty unnoticed despite my appearance. I was the second oldest person at the party which made me second in charge if we’re going to do things the Mayan way. The oldest person there was a fat Korean kid. This party was left in the balance of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Fat or whatever his name is.


(Good thing Chin is a Chinese last name and not a Korean one. Otherwise this poor brat would have been teased a lot for having so many)

The party was cool, I guess. The house wasn’t very big but I would say there were around 150 people in there. The basement was filled with underage kids drinking and playing beer pong. I walked down there for a moment, nodded at a kid I recognized, and then went back upstairs to hang with people I actually knew. I don’t remember drinking much if at all. In fact, I don’t remember a single thing I really did other than turned to people and said “Cool party, huh?” And it was a cool party because things were crowded.

Someone said something about how there was a lack of music playing at the party. My crowning achievement of the night was going over to the computer and putting up a graduation speech video at full volume. High school graduation speeches are simply the most repulsive usage of human language. Nobody much appreciated my joke except for the one kid at the party who I’ve seen practically have sex with his sister. I say practically because they were still wearing pants.


(Sure he finished first in his class but at what cost? His face and never having a conversation with a girl. That was the cost)

Trouble struck when some cool kids who weren’t invited showed up outside. Some 15 year old boys went outside to try to scare them off. This was a party thrown by mostly high school sophomores after-all so the 15 year olds knew more people than anyone. The cool kids who weren’t invited threatened to call the cops and that’s when the shit hit the fan. The party had to end. It had only lasted maybe an hour or two and a hallowed threat caused it all to come crashing down.

The fat Korean kid started to boss everyone around and tell them to leave. The issue with this is 75% of the kids there couldn’t drive yet and the other 25% were pretty drunk. At this point nobody cared. The school was looking for a crashed car to in front of the school as an ominous warning and we thought maybe we could do a good deed and provide them with one.

A few party-goers still would not leave. The mean cool kids came back and were having an argument outside. A pretty girl with really big breasts was looking out the window confused as to what was happening. I told her someone got stabbed with a harpoon and was dying on the lawn. Her response was a simple “Oh no!” If she had any sense she would have said “Who the fuck carries around a harpoon and where do you get one?” Of all the existing stereotypes, pretty high school girls with big breasts are always incredibly dumb.


(Only a girl from my high school would think her classmates would not only own this but carry it around and use it on others)

The Korean kid was trying to get the cool kids to leave. I found a random knife lying on the television and suggested he take it out there and scare them. He knocked some sense into me saying it was dumb to do because that could be seen as a threat. Not to mention, the knife had cake on it. Instead the Korean kid used a baseball bat to scare them off. If you’ve ever watched the Little League World Series you would know the Koreans are pretty good offensively.

Finally everything cleared out. We cleaned up a little bit and talked about how cool it was to have to break up a party and ruin people’s party night. The rest of the night was spent talking about our lives and how we could improve ourselves which seems to me the way every night with friends always ends. Just once I want to hang out with a friend and things not get to the point where I’m lying and saying how great they are.

Tell me about the coolest party you have ever been to. And yes, this was probably the coolest party I have ever been to. Unless you want to count the one where I tried adding some girl on Myspace afterwards and she denied me. That was a fun night until she totally ruined my life.