Dresses

Posted: September 26, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , , , , , ,

Maybe I’m in the minority. If so, then I demand equal rights. Then I demand more rights than the average person. That’s what a minority group does. They want to be equal, then they want more rights. As long as every human being has the same rights as the next, I am fine with it. Your agenda means nothing to me. Especially if you wear a dress.

I don’t like dresses. I like dressings. Everybody does. A salad without dressing sucks. One time I tried a salad with hot sauce on it. I rarely throw food away, but that food I did. Not my greatest idea. No matter what type of dress it is that a woman wears, I am not a fan.

Okay, sometimes there are dresses on certain girls and at certain times that I can admit to myself “Hey, she looks decent in that.” Usually these are slut dresses and she’s drunk and flirting with me already. She thinks I look like some celebrity that I don’t look anything like. I’ve been told by 3 people claiming that I look like Heath Ledger. They were ALL drunk. That’s why there are laws against drinking and driving. You may pull up to a stop sign, spot me, get so excited that Heath Ledger is back from the dead, and crash. Only in cases where this happens am I attracted to a girl in a dress, sometimes.

Dresses to me are weird looking. They remind me of superheroes. It’s oversized fabric, not skin-tight, usually has a dumb design on it, shows off unsexy body parts like shoulders and knees, and most of all, they’re seen as fancy. I don’t like fancy things. I am simple. I like Lobster from Maine and my Rolls Royce white. I’m easy to please is what I’m trying to say. A woman putting on a dress usually means that she has high expectations of where she’s going. Do you know how nervous that makes me? I had only planned on taking you out for burritos and now you’re in a dress. If we show up to a place without a chandelier you’ll throw a fit. Fancy things are never fun. I can’t enjoy a meal in a suit or a nice Christmas sweater. I’m too focused on not spilling. Bread always seems hard to reach for. I don’t like dressing like the wait staff either. That’s what happens when you go to fancy places and dress up fancy. You get mistaken for the help and then fired from a job that you don’t have when you refuse to bus a table. Try explaining that to the IRS. You can’t because they don’t have a reliable phone service. See what dresses do to me? They get me sidetracked.

The biggest day of any girl’s life is theoretically her wedding day. On that day, she wears a dress. A big white poofy floppy, hasn’t changed in hundreds of years, dress. Wedding dresses creep me out. I think I may have seen a movie when I was younger with a zombie in a wedding dress or maybe it’s that part in Gremlins 2 when the Gremlin goes up to kiss the guy in the bathroom while wearing a wedding dress that bothers me. Few things creep me out more than seeing a woman in a long white flowing dress. Wedding dresses are disgusting. They’re haunting. And what’s with the veil? I think that’s the worst part about it. It’s like a little see-through mask. Each time someone lifts it I get nervous that something is going to rip through their face. Old things scare me, traditions at least. A wedding dress feels too Medieval and all that reminds me of is the Bubonic Plague and then I get more freaked out. I pick up my feet afraid of rat bites. See what dresses do to me? They get me to quickly lift up my legs. I could pull a muscle or worse, a tendon doing that!

I do want to acknowledge that I get why a girl would wear a dress. It makes them feel pretty. I have never worn a dress so I don’t know if there are some special powers in the stitches that make them feel good. Until I do try on a dress, you are right and I am wrong. All that matters about clothing is how it makes you feel, not how weird I think you look in it.

Comments
  1. Jessica says:

    Its been a few years since i’ve worn a dress. I’d only wear them in the summer to keep cool. I think you can still look antisocial in a dress or skirt, but shorts are too approachable. I haven’t worn shorts since grade school, I just don’t think I have the personality to pull them off…

    • mooselicker says:

      My mom told me that once a boy reaches high school age that they no longer wear shorts. I showed up the first day and was the only boy without shorts on. I’ve worn them out in public in the last 10 years once and a spider probably crawled up my leg. That would explain the rash.

      The moral, hide your legs and your shame.

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