Archive for August, 2012

I’m going to talk about politics here again. I read a book about politics recently. Actually it wasn’t a book. It was a movie. And I didn’t watch the movie. I saw the cover. I’m not even quite positive the movie was about politics. There was a white guy in a suit looking very presidential with a “What has America gotten themselves into this time?” face. It doesn’t matter what the movie was or even what it was about. I don’t need to know a single thing about politics in order to vote. That’s what makes America wonderful. In dictatorships you need to know who is in charge and what part of your body they will slice off if you do not vote for him. Iraqis in the 1990s were more well-informed than anyone in my country ever will be.

(Would you believe people actually saw this movie poster, thought it looked good, paid money to see it, and still walked out of the theater happy? I don’t for a second)

I was driving to work recently when I saw a really hot jogger. She had strong thick legs, little shorts on, and a face I would like to scrape off with a knife it was so adorable. She got me thinking about what it is about me she would hate most. Would she hate that I’m no jogger? Would it be my frugalness? Or maybe we would not see eye-to-eye on religion? Politics is always something I disagree with women on. Mostly because my stance on abortion and gay marriage is so abnormal. I believe abortion should be illegal and the baby should then be married off to a gay man. It’s a nice compromise. The Republicans get no dead babies and the Democrats get happy gays. I tried writing a paper on this back in high school. The teacher quit and was arrested a week later for trying to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb he hated America so much.

During my political thinking I have determined a way for the Democrats to remain in office for almost ever. It’s not a guarantee or anything it would always work. Definitely after Obama though. It’s a bit scary though because it’s never good to have the same political people in power for too long. It’s nice for a switch between Republicans, Democrats, and Whigs. Whenever any idea of thinking is in charge for too long we end up in a funk where the angry people get angrier and the happy people get cockier. This is why I hate elections. People are always extremely pissed or extremely cocky like they had anything to do with the victory. Everyone turns to me and wants to know my opinion. I joke and say I wanted whichever candidate had the cuter butt to win. I’ve never seen it, but I have a feeling Obama has a nice one.

(I’m not saying this does, but it might belong to Obama)

Here is my plan to keep the Democrats in office forever. Not that I want it really. I like a good mix of bad guy/good guy in charge. My idea is to always have a charming black guy with a pearly white smile run as their candidate. Basically every 8 years all they need is a new Obama. This won’t last forever. Even the most open-minded white person will get sick of seeing a black face in charge. Let’s be honest, we would all vote for someone who looked like us. A presidential candidate with the same name as me could run with a crazy belief system and I would vote for him on the fact we have the same name. That’s what this country has come down to, we vote for whoever we would want to have a beer with. Who wants to have a beer with a Republican? We all know black people are so much more fun to party with.

I think a lot of people who voted for Obama did so because they wanted to be a part of history. It’s like whenever any sports record is broken. We don’t care if the guy is on steroids, beats his wife, or has killed a person. We want to be there to witness something every dead person never has. I’m not saying all Obama fans are ill-informed and only voted for him because it was trendy, the thing people with white guilt do, he was Democratic and Republicans are evil, and his name is funny. If you’re over 25 I believe maybe you actually know stuff about the guy. Under this age barrier, I’m pretty sure you get all your news from Comedy Central. If the lead-in to your main news source is South Park then I don’t consider you a very unbiased person.

Gun to my head, who would I vote for? I would vote for Obama. It’s simple really. I am in the income level a Democrat would be under. Now until I manage to make enough money I will remain a little more left wing than right. Once I make millions of dollars by golly I am going to want to keep it. Politics are simple. Democrats want money. Republicans want to keep their own money. When a Democrat accumulates enough cash he becomes a Republican. This is why old people are Republicans and young people are Democrats, money. Young people have no money because they spend whatever they can on condoms, concerts, and chimichangas. Old people can no longer reproduce, all their favorite musicians are dead, and eating beans will kill their colons. So until I own a mansion I will lean slightly to the left because this benefits my interests at the point I am at in my life right now.

(Eastwood used to be a Democrat. He got so distraught he almost killed himself. Then he became successful and didn’t think he should have to share his personal achievements with idiots who stood in his way. I don’t care how crazy you get Clint. With a simple thousand yard stare and a simple “Yeah” you said more than we ever could. Now go paint your wagon)

What do I believe will happen this November? Obama will win. He hasn’t done anything to make his supporters hate him. As long as the economy doesn’t get any worse the Democrats will stay in power. Once the economy does get worse the poor people will want a change. Then they’ll look at the tax breaks the Republican candidate is putting out and see things aren’t so bad the way they are. Politicians need to learn to manipulate the United States citizens. They need to lie to us and make promises they never keep. Don’t be a donkey or an elephant. Be a snake. If politicians were for once willing to get their hands dirty and screw over a few more people then maybe they could gain some control and never leave office. They’ll be in power for so long that we will not even be given a choice for anyone else to vote for. Doesn’t this sound nice and simple?

Losers rely on wishes to get them through the day. I never make wishes. When I see a star in the sky I do not make a wish. I try shooting the star with my gun. I’m an American. It’s what we do. When I blow out the candles on my birthday cake I do not make a wish. In fact I never blow out the candles on my birthday cake. Each year I kidnap a Jehovah Witness and forcefully make them do it. If I’m feeling really cruel we get a blood transfusion afterwards. Wishes are not for me. However, today is your chance to make one.

Wishes are popular among the Middle Eastern people. They have these blue ghosts called Genies. Personally, I prefer the Djinn over the Genie. Djinns are evil Genies. The film Wishmaster is all about them. This used to be my favorite movie. At one point a man wishes for a million dollars. As soon as he does, his mom signs over an insurance form in her son’s name then hops on a plane. The fucking plane blows up right after! Another woman wishes to be beautiful forever. She is turned into a manikin. The best wish came in Wishmaster 2: Wes Craven Needs More Money. A prisoner wishes for his lawyer to go fuck himself. Guess what literally happens?

I used to not be so cynical about wishes. I used to go to the mall and toss pennies into the fountain. I made so many wishes my family had to sell their bodies on the streets and to science. Sometimes we were selling our bodies to both. Have you ever spent a night as a prostitute with test makeup on your face? I have. To me wishes have become the Atheist’s Prayer. I never get an Atheist who makes a wish. You’re denying the existence of a God yet you think there are Wish Fairies out there? I think I should start a religion based around Wish Fairies. They’ll be like angels only louder and more obnoxious.

To follow through with my goal to become a more loving person (I know right, seems like I’m pretty far off here doesn’t it?) I have decided to grant each person reading this one wish. Something simple, free, and easy I can do to make your life, my life, or the world a better place. I’m serious about this. Anything you desire I will do as long as it follows the guidelines below:

-Your wish must not cost me or anyone else money. I’m not an official Genie. This means I’m not Union Certified. I have to pay outrageous taxes on anything costing money.

-Your wish must deliver kindness into the world. Even if your wish harms someone else, as long as it brings some good to an equal or greater number of people I will do it. Hey, some people have to be collateral damage here. I’m new to this granting wishes thing.

-Your wish must not involve a drastic change in my life or anyone else’s, at least not immediately. For instance don’t wish me to adopt a child. I’m bad enough at finishing milk before it expires. A child will end up microwaved under my care. Let’s start with something simple.

-Your wish must be within reason. I have very little reason. I can’t really explain this one further.

-Your wish must come from your heart. If you do not have a heart you can wish for a heart. I would not suggest this. The Scarecrow wished for a heart and he was accidentally shot by a farmer a week later who thought he was a trespasser.

So make your wish! You only get one. I also have right to refuse your wish. I swear I will do whatever your wish ends up being, even if there is no proof. Maybe I can even blog about the mishaps that ensue when I fail to make the world a better place. I’m hoping at least one of you wishes me to put an object of mine inside an object belonging to someone else to give us both a great amount of pleasure. I think you know what I mean.

Why do men leave the house? To pick up as many chicks as they can. We’re very simple creatures. I fancy myself an expert at picking up chicks. One time a Mermaid fell so deeply in love with me she began to crawl along the beach just to touch my face. She ended up drying up and dying only a few feet away. In a way I charmed a fish out of the fish bowl. I love that phrase. You’re so charming that an animal without many emotions will kill itself to be near you. I wish I could one day be so charming people kill themselves over it.

The problem with picking up chicks is a lot of guys do it so unnaturally. They come up with corny pickup lines like “Are you an astronaut? Because you look like Neil Armstrong” or “Did it hurt?” which elicits the response “Did what hurt?” and then the guy follows up with twisting her nipples and tells her he’s a psychic who saw it coming. Girls like guys who can see into the future. Nostradamus was a major pimp. What Nostradamus did correctly though was he got an actual job where he could be himself and the chicks would follow. That’s what today’s post is about. Jobs for guys to take in order to meet the girl they’ve been waiting for their entire lives/evenings.

(Seriously, tell me this guy couldn’t be a pimp. All he needs is a feather in his cap)

1) Bartender

This one is very obvious. Drunk girls will sleep with anyone. I saw a drunk girl the other night having sex with a tree. I guess the tree was tall, dark, and handsome. Some of the bark on its base looked like George Clooney’s face. I think at every point in his life every guy has thought about becoming a bartender. Women have to talk to you in order to forget what shitty adults they have become. Without you they cannot get their booze. The only thing stopping me from becoming a bartender is all the drinks I would have to memorize and I cannot smile at ugly people. Have you been to a bar lately? It’s an ugly person’s lair.

2) Animal Shelter

Chicks love animals. Would you believe some girls love animals so much they never eat them? I know, bonkers. Even if you have a penis and you don’t eat animals I consider you a chick. Tofu should be the name of an African dictator, not something we eat. I know if I ever get desperate enough where I would need to meet women I can always volunteer at an animal shelter. It’s perfect. Animals love me, girls will see how good I am with the animals, and then we do something filthy near a malnourished cat on its death-bed.

(Sorry little kitty, I’ll get you your medicine as soon as this chick finishes taking hers, if you know what I’m sayin’)

3) Musician

Anyone who knows how to play the guitar and doesn’t get laid 60 times a day is an idiot. Girls love any guy who can play the guitar. Do you know why? Because she doesn’t have to interact with him. She can sit there, nod, and smile pretending she enjoys his dark poetic pain. For me, someone without any musical talent, I tell girls I’m the lead singer in the band. They tell me to belt out some lyrics and I remind them I have to save my voice for the big show. They nod and smile because girls who obsess over musicians are idiots too.

4) Gay Rights Supporter

You’ll probably need a real job like doctor or guy who steps in front of traffic in order to pull this one off. Hanging out around gay people will surely help you meet some single ladies. Any girl who is obsessive with gay rights is either a lesbian herself or is trying to make up for the fact how much men find them repulsive. This gives you a great opportunity to sweep in and steal these feminists off their do-gooding feet. Not only will these girls think you’re tolerant to others, you’ll also have very little competition. A straight guy hanging out in a gay is a lock to go home with a girl or at least have a chubby one nag him all night about American equality.

5) Anything Famous

Become famous and girls will bend themselves into whatever position you demand them to get into. I understand it. I would love to bang someone famous. I could see Yahoo articles about them and think about how we shared those amazing 40 seconds pressed against the sink together until I let out my fart ruining the mood. Athletes, movie stars, and even high-profile murderers have women flocking to them at all hours of the day. I’m almost tempted to go on a killing spree just to see how many women propose to me. I can barely throw a spiral and my acting leaves much to be desired. If I ever want to become famous it will have to involve bloodshed. Or I could do something really good for a lot of people. Sounds hard.

(Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s killer. Ringo’s still alive isn’t he? Hmm I think I have an idea to get some chicks)

Let me know if you know of anything else. As for girls on picking up guys, sit outside for five minutes in a place with high foot traffic. If nobody even looks your way start searching for a child murderer to marry. It’s the best you may ever get.

In other words, these are not jobs appearing here.

This is not a post about how much I hate to leave my apartment. If you’ve been to my apartment you’ll understand why I hate to leave it. My walls are completely barren and white, except for the one black stain from when I was wearing a black shirt, sweating, and leaned against it. My apartment always smells like whatever I had eaten for breakfast. Today it smells like warm milk. The greatest thing about my apartment is there’s always something to do. There are so many dog hairs everywhere sometimes I lie on the ground and count them. None of what I will write about today has anything to do with that. I would rather focus on something even grander. The places we have potential to go in our lives.

My idea on this theory came during the middle of the night. I also had a dream about a movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt played a character named “Ugly Nick.” I’m not sure what my subconscious was saying there. Rarely do I ever think of JG-L. I could have sworn he was on Roseanne and he wasn’t. The idea I had was that each of us has three paths we can go down. There’s the path going downhill, the path going uphill, and the path leading to a dead-end.

(I always thought the fat guy on the right was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I feel like an idiot now)

The path going downhill is very obvious. These are the people we look at knowing they’re in a downward spiral. They’re drug addicts, alcoholics, people who watch PBS, sexual deviants, anyone who puts on 30 pounds a year, and so forth. Basically they’re anyone you see headed into a worse direction than you might be used. This is where we hope all the popular people from high school end up. If you were popular in high school and are reading thing then I really don’t understand how you got here. You’re in the wrong place. I think we all know someone from high school who still relives their glory days. My mom’s boyfriend used to tell me about how he was a world champion wrestler in high school. By world he meant Middlesex County. He was reliving his past triumphs from the early 1970s. To give you an idea how long ago he was traveling through time, the third Austin Powers movie took place around the same time he was wearing a leotard and getting ringworm from a wrestling mat. Sorry I don’t have any other idea what else was going on in the early 1970s. Wasn’t there a war?

(Nevermind no war took place. I was confusing it with a song by Martin Luther King Jr.)

The path going uphill is also a very obvious one. There are the people we look at knowing they’re going to go someplace in life. They’re hard-workers, loving, confident, not me, sexual deviants who happen to know the correct rich businessmen to approach, and probably not you. This is the path we all dream about going down. It’s the basic American dream underdog story. Rise up from the bottom to the top. I like to think I’m on this path. I do whatever I can to not be self-destructive. I eat healthy, I exercise, I ask old black people for advice often, I don’t burn my bridges, and I keep bad people out of my life. The problem is most people think we’re on this path. It’s a very thin one and the further along you go the thinner it gets. What we have to understand is not everyone can be successful. It would be great if we all grew up to be movie stars with large genitals, but our DNA is not Communist. Things are not even. So keep going to those Tuesday night acting classes and buy that penis pump you’ve been eyeing online. The path uphill cannot be accomplished alone.

(An official Dr. Seuss penis pump. It also plays music and makes your balls grow as big as the Grinch’s heart)

Finally there is the path leading to a dead-end. Oye vey this is a wide asshole path. Lots of people fall here. They’re not bad people by any stretch. They take care of themselves as much as they have to. In a way they’re defeatists, something else I have to write about later on. I would say 90% of people are on this path to a dead-end. Crazy isn’t it? People without hopes, dreams, motivation, or anywhere to go. Saddest thing about this is a lot of the time it’s not their fault. They’re content with where they stand in life. I know the combination of words “big dick fucking black pussy” might offend some people. The word content does the same to me. How are you content? You’re waking up every morning thinking everything is fine and dandy? Don’t get me wrong, a positive attitude is wonderful and I would love to have a stronger one. These dead enders are different. They fall into a trap where they believe this is what life was supposed to be. They use words like karma, destiny, and fate to justify how their lives didn’t turn out the way they wanted. It’s sad to me other people can think this way.

The scariest things that could ever happen to me are 1) I am kidnapped by cannibal rapists (it doesn’t matter what order they do it in) and 2) I end up with a job I get nothing out of and I have to wake up when it’s still dark outside to get there. Those are my two biggest fears in life. I really don’t want to be eaten then raped or raped then eaten and more importantly I don’t want to wake up when bats are still outside fellating each other. To me, this is a dead-end path. I will know my life is going nowhere if I have to dread waking up for work in the morning and once I do the moon still shines down. It has been decided. Whatever I can do to get on a path going uphill I will do. If I fail on my way up, at least I get to fall rather that putz around on a hypothetical dead-end street.

A few years ago there was a popular sitcom on television called “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I never loved Raymond. In fact, I wish him dead. I guess the title was supposed to be sarcastic. His wife was a bitch as most television women are because most television writers are gay men, his parents were intrusive because most television writers are loners who come from broken homes, and his brother was a big idiot because most television writers are short and want to make tall people look like idiots. There are some things in life everybody does love. Well, maybe not love. These are generic things nobody dislikes. If you say you hate anything I mention then you’re probably bitter and should think about writing a TV show.

Music: Queen

Everybody likes Queen. You’ll never meet a person who absolutely loves Queen, but everybody can find one song to enjoy. Even the Chick-Fil-A guy admitted in a recent interview that he tries to let his farts out to the beat of “We Will Rock You.” It’s a very steady beat. One only Woody Harrelson cannot get correct. Personally my favorite Queen song is Princes of the Universe as it reminds me of the TV show Highlander. I never liked the show much, it’s the premise I am in love with. You chop off someone’s head, you get their powers. Why is this not the most popular video game of all time? Oh and here’s Woody Harrelson proving that marijuana does not make you better at keeping a beat.

Food: Pizza

Everybody likes pizza. Someone told me recently how much they hate pizza. She’s dead now. I killed her. The cops asked me straight up what happened. I explained the situation then we went out for some slices. What’s great about pizza is it has everything you will need in a meal. Cheese, sauce, bread, and meat normally make a pizza. There are so many varieties if you cannot find something to love about pizza then I probably cannot find something to love about you.

(I can’t tell if that’s pizza dust on the counter or this is a Courtney Love Cocaine Pizza)

Sport: Women’s Gymnastics

Everybody likes women’s gymnastics. For different reasons too. Women like it for the grace, the competition, and how it empowers women. Men like it for reasons which would get me arrested. Women’s gymnastics is a sport nobody really cares about or takes seriously. You can watch it without much devotion. A female gymnast is washed up as soon as she’s old enough to vote. Kind of sad really. All those tiny Russian girls are 20 years old and their lives are practically over. I hear America is nice. You can work as a dancer, a waitress, and a Ross just opened up near me. This was a cheap plea to any Russian gymnasts who happen to read this that I am willing to marry you in exchange for a green card. The offer expires when you get up to 115 pounds.

(In about a month Aliya Mustafina will be 18 and I can say dirty things about her Communist ways. I actually got this photo from typing in “evil gymnast” into Google)

Religion: Buddhism

Everybody likes Buddhism. I know, someone is probably reading this in their church cloak with a human skull in their hand thinking I’m insane. Hear me out. What bad thing has a Buddhist ever done to anyone but themselves? In protest they light themselves on fire. I like this much better than other religions. Christians invade, Muslims infiltrate, Scientologists creep out, and Judaists whine. Buddhism to me is the Rodney Dangerfield religion. It’s about how life is all about suffering. Well yeah, but does that mean I should spend my life accepting how much suffering goes on in the world? Still, Buddhism is the most generic religion. Except for the Richard Gere gerbil fiasco, they’ve been pretty good.

(If Paris Hilton can support Buddhism I so can…nevermind. I can’t bring myself to support anything she does. “That’s hot.” – Paris Hilton upon seeing a burning priest)

Book: The Snowman

Everybody likes The Snowman book. You may not have heard of this book before, it was a favorite of mine as a kid. There are no words. Only pictures! It’s easy on the eyes. They even made it into a movie with really pretty music. Then the snowman melted at the end which was tragically sad. Who invented snowmen? Their life expectancy is entirely too short. I guess dancing with a snowman who dies later in the afternoon prepares you for how everyone you will ever meet dies one day. Snowmen are too grim.

(Spoiler Alert! The Snowman dies at the end after a lobotomy following an attack on Nurse Ratchet)

Comedian: Brian Regan

Everybody likes Brian Regan. He’s clean, he’s funny, and he’s a nice guy in person from what I hear. The only thing not to like about him is how in high school everybody would quote him. We get it, he likes Fig Newtons and so do you. There is nobody I hate more than people who quote nonstop. Do you have no original ideas? Wait, you probably don’t. You’re a 16 year old New Jersey native. You only joined the football team because it’s what everybody does. I think even Brian Regan would tell you to fuck off.

(Even raccoons like Fig Newtons and they’re very picky eaters)

Sexual Position: Any

Take what you can get. If you’re reading a blog you’re probably not very good looking anyway.

(My personal favorite sexual position)

Fun Activity: Zoo Trip

Everybody likes the zoo. Please, if you dislike zoos shoot your face. I get the kids running around can be annoying. You’re not going to the right zoos at the right times. As an avid animal lover yet for some reason a carnivorous meat eater (I’m complicated) I never can turn down the opportunity to go to a zoo. I think my dream job if I ever give up on trying to do anything interesting with my life would be to clean up animal shit in a zoo. I could develop a relationship with the animals. There’s always at least one hot chick working at the zoo. I could threaten to hit her with the shovel I pick up the lion poop with if she doesn’t flash me.

(“What does your dad do for a living?” “He cleans the shit out between hippo teeth.” I so want this job)

What is something generic you feel everybody enjoys? Change that. Not something you feel, something you know. We’re not nancies who talk about our feelings. We’re manly men who are always sure of ourselves. Tell me something you know everybody enjoys. You better not be wrong.

I’m not everything I want to be. I tried joining the marines last week. I heard they help you be all you can be. They stripped me down naked then told me to stay away, I was not military material. I think about all the potential I could have been in life if things were different. Here are some answers to those ifs. What I would do and such in these situations.

1. If I was tall I would look overtop the bathroom stalls to see if they were occupied. I would smile at whoever was taking a shit or too shy to use the urinal.

2. If I was short I would run underneath people’s legs like I was being chased. They would look back to see who was chasing me. While they are looking back I will push them over for being so much taller than I am.

3. If I was extremely wealthy I would contact the media and tell them I will be tossing money down from a tall building. People will show up and I will drop pianos instead. This will teach them that money does not buy happiness.

4. If I was in really good shape I would be really mean to everyone I met. When they tell me to stop I will ask them to feel my biceps.

5. If I found out I was the second coming of Jesus I would sell my poop on ebay and my farts to cults.

6. If I was black I would always say “Where the white women at?” whenever I enter a room. I actually do this already. People might not tell me to leave though if I was black.

7. If I was allergy free I would sniff flowers more often. Since I am not allergy free I will continue to stomp on every daisy I see whether in a garden or a flower boutique.

8. If I was a professional athlete I would sign a huge contract then say my hamstrings always hurt. Being a professional athlete takes too much work.

9. If I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight I would eat nothing but pizza and donuts. I would still count calories though. Mostly to brag to others how much I can eat without gaining weight. I might also eat Oreos too.

10. If I was gay I would tell women I wasn’t gay, have sex with them, and then tell them I am gay now. They will forever feel like they turned me gay. I would laugh about this with my gay friends then complain how we don’t have equal rights non-stop.

11. If my name was Lance I probably would be gay. I would do everything my being gay plan would entail, but this time my name would be Lance.

12. If I was living in Hawaii I would get a janitorial job. Sure, I have to clean up vomit and poop. It’s Hawaiian vomit and poop. Something about it sparkles.

13. If I had musical talent I would start a band. All of my friends would tell me how great I am even though none ever go to my shows.

14. If I won a Nobel Peace Prize I would kill a lot of people the day after. Not everyone though. Enough people need to remain alive to appreciate the irony.

15. If I lost my arm in a surfing accident I would challenge the Soul Surfer chick to a fight. I would be sure to save my missing arm and use it like a club. Her arm was made into shark poop. I wonder if she thinks about that. A shark pooped out her arm.

16. If I had my own talk show I would let everyone I know be guests. You will all have to show up for the first episode. I don’t see it lasting much longer than that with this plan.

17. If I had a really big nose I would ask everyone if they thought my nose was big. When they said “No” I would violently call them liars then push them over.

18. If I could ride any animal it would be a dinosaur. It doesn’t matter what type.

19. If I was incredibly fat I would never leave the house. After a while I will realize this is no way to live. I will then get a job as a house.

20. If I was homeless I would be an angry homeless person who tells offensive jokes. The police will lock me up in jail. At least then I wouldn’t be homeless anymore.

21. If I was more courageous I would join a yoga class and hit on the instructor. My pick-up line would be “Hey, I bet I can stretch you out somewhere else.”

22. If I’m not turned down by the yoga instructor then things will be really good. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who does yoga let alone someone who makes up the moves on the fly like instructors do.

23. If I found out the meaning of life and I would die if I told anyone I would die anyway because I hate not being able to gossip.

24. If I could have any super power it would be to have the ability to reach into a magazine and pull out whatever is in the magazine. I will also have a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits against me.

25. If I ever get to be a father someday I want to be there for my children if they become successful and rich. Otherwise I’m going to blame the woman for giving too much of her DNA into the mix.

What are some of your ifs?

The following post is not from the present day. It is from the future. I was minding my own business in a public bathroom, placing super glue on the toilet seats, when a man in his 40s approached me. The first thing I noticed about this guy was he was incredibly handsome. Like if I was a gay man we would have been in the proper room to take this thing further handsome he was. The second thing I noticed was he had on the same clothes I had. Really strange. Most of all I noticed how he looked kind of like me. I engaged the man in conversation and indeed I found out he was me from the future. I could not resist, I had to ask him to write-up a guest post for my blog. He groaned and said “That stupid blog? Jesus past tense me! Don’t you realize your blog ends up killing 24 million people by the middle of 2013? I will not be a part of this again!” I knew future me could be easily bribed with a peck on a cheek. So I had to kiss a man to get this post done. I hope it turned out well.

(My blog one day ushers in the return of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. They’re not really as threatening as they seem. They’re pretty irrelevant after many bad movies in the 1990s. *not pictured, Famine as played by John Candy ironically)

“The Future”

By Me from the Future

Good evening ladies, gentleman, and mole people (here in the future mole people have become a third gender, they’re all bisexual) I hope all is well. You probably have many questions about the future. First starters, yes, the 2012 presidential election ends in a landslide after a ballot misprint and I am elected to office. Pretty sweet. I do such a great job too I win the election again 16 years later. The first thing I do when I get into office is make presidential elections happen every 16 years. People tried to fight it, but I offered others money to kill those rioters. Who said becoming president under a bad economy was a bad thing?

First Lady Malin Akerman has become the biggest movie star of all time. She is currently busy remaking every movie to ever come out. Even Couples Retreat which she starred in is being remade. This time the jokes are funny. I also have sex with many other females and she doesn’t seem to mind. She’s a good wife like that who always cooks and cleans for me. I offered to pay a butler to do it. Malin insisted I save the money and buy myself something nice. I bought myself a dinner. I forgot to ask Malin what she wanted. She said “Oh you!” and then we made a baby.

(In the future everyone sits on chairs backwards because it looks really cool. Although, I have to agree this shot would be much nicer if she used this chair properly)

Along with being president I am also a successful and much sought after writer. I have a television show on every channel. I still let other people put out their own crap. I’m not here to try to control people’s minds. The government already proved in 2016 mind control was only possible on housewives who think Katherine Heigl is clever. I also have the home run record, host my own talk show, and was the first man to walk on Mars. The first woman to walk on Mars was Kim Kardashian’s mom. I left her there and she said she was just glad to be back home.

Outside of myself the world has changed a lot. Russia is now called European Chinese Peopleville. The name for the male genitalia is “Pepsi Presents The Penis.” The female genitalia is still called the vagina. All have advertisements on them though. Malin’s has an advertisement for Groupon. People look grayer than they used to due to all the interracial breeding. All of the Mohicans have been wiped out because of this. The last one was a guy named Todd. He delivered my mail until he died of old age at 34. Yeah, the only bad thing about the future is you die pretty young. Scientists are blaming iPhones, iPads, and other apple devices. Turns out Steve Jobs was evil.

(“I hate people this much.” – Steve Jobs, everyday of his life)

Gay marriage became legal. As soon as it did aliens invaded and a 10 year-long war broke out. The two were very much related. Marijuana also became legal. That is why the war to kill the three invading aliens took a whole decade. Everyone was too stoned to do anything about it. Dogs no longer exist. They have evolved into fraternity boys. The difference is very minimal.

Common foods in the American diet are hamburgers, hot dogs, and Soylent Green. The rest of the world doesn’t really eat much. They are either very poor or are watching their figures for summer. It’s also always summer as earth has rotated off its course and is headed straight for the sun. This is actually why I came back to the past. I knew if I warned everyone maybe things could be different. The earth was spun off its axis the day Magic Mike came out on DVD. People all over the world jumped for joy and landed on the ground at the same time. It’s understandable because Channing Tatum’s rectangular chin has become a symbol of mistrust and evil. I forget where I was going with this. By 2023 everyone has Alzheimer’s. Thank goodness for my blog. It’s about the only history humanity has left.

(The future site of the Mooselicker Memorial Museum. It must be the weekend. That’s why there aren’t millions of people shoving each other to get inside)

Thank you future self for writing this up. As you warned me, I will try touching myself less and shower with cooler water. You also owe me that $3000 down payment I gave you on the car we end up picking Malin Akerman up in. I really hope this wasn’t a scam.

Since I have not gotten onto the Internet via the computer I save all my blogs to in order to email the file to myself so I can access them anywhere (see, it takes a lot of effort to get these suckers posted) I have decided to cash in my many awards I have won, sort of. I used to think blogging awards were real. The first time I got one I gloated to people I knew in real life. I felt like a champion. Turns out these are at times passed on because you happen to be the easiest to link back. My soul was crushed. I went into hiding for 8 years and lived among a tribe of pygmies. I got hungry one night and ate the entire tribe. Now I’m back to society to collect my awards.

(With my pygmy pals Oscar and Hasselhoff)

If memory serves me correctly, I owe accepting awards to Pouring My Art Out, Your Daily Dose, two from The Camel Life, and about 73 from A Gripping Life. I might be missing someone but these are the only ones I remember as they do not use me as someone to nominate then toss me into the trash like the rest of you do. They all nominated me for different awards. Instead of trying to find out which ones they were and such I have decided to create my own award, The Long Overdue Award.

The way this award works is you don’t follow any of the rules from the awards. All you do is say something nice about however many people you feel like saying nice things about. You don’t even need to link back to the profiles because we all know how annoying that can be. Look at the damn blogroll if you’re so inclined to see the lame people I’m referring to. The best thing about this award is you can make the nominees completely anonymous. If you think I am referring to you anywhere below then feel free to pass on the award! If you don’t think I’m referring to you then we probably just don’t know each other very well, yet. Or you might be really stupid and don’t deserve the award anyway.

Nominee #1: You are a very modest, honest, and passionate person. You’ve got strong morals and a great sense of humor. You don’t always see eye-to-eye with a lot of things people say yet somehow it never becomes a burden. I respect this and try to do it myself more. You’re someone I and I’m sure a thousand other people could always count on if we ever needed your help. You live a life quite gripping, but still make time for others. Anyone would be lucky to call you their mother.

Nominee #2: I’m not sure where you came from or how we met, but I am glad we did. I don’t know much about you as you keep things simple and quiet. Despite this I still see the goodness in you. You’re a caring and helpful person. You would go the distance to help others in any way you could even if you knew they would never do the same back. I wish you didn’t hide so much who you are because if we got to know more about you I’m sure we would adair you even more.

Nominee #3: Some days I wish I had the brash attitude you have. You take no prisoners and don’t care what others think, at least to an extent. I’m sure sometimes you do care and with some people it is important. As all bad boys do, you have a soft side and in many ways this is how we are alike. We come from completely different backgrounds, have different tastes, but your direction in where we want life to take us is not all that different. We’re doing our best to evolve through the insanity. Continued support for each other and I’m sure we can make it.

Nominee #4: I was going to say something nice to this person, but I’m pretty sure she won’t read it anyway since she claims she’ll be away until December. Oh well. Hopefully the only disease you have right now is happiness and you will come back and we can continue chatting.

Nominee #5: Above all else you need to remember what a great mom you are even when life stresses you out. You’re clever, kind, and sometimes I worry about growing up because I can’t imagine having a busy life like you do. Somehow you still manage to put everything into perspective and at least seem sane on the surface. The fact you have maintained friendships with so many people over the years is a true testament to the great person you really are. I know you probably don’t sleep much but once they’re grown you will finally get your chance.

Nominee #6: I hate you and I hope you die. No, really, we can joke like that and I like it. What’s scary about you is you could probably blackmail me. Not that I’ve done anything horrible, but you probably could. You’re a funny gal who I know I can always share things with. You’ve listened to me whine when I was lonely, when I was sad, and even that one time when I was in a good mood. I appreciate all the advice, honesty, and conversations we have had even outside the blogosphere. You’re my sista from another mista. I hope Canada has been treating you well.

Nominee #7: I haven’t known you very long but I already know how awesome you are. I don’t know much about the person you are deep down inside. I know there’s some evil, but there is also a lot of kindness and acceptance.  You’re crazy funny and creative. I’m only jealous I don’t think up half the things you do because they’re so great. Madame, we bowlers need to stick together. (I don’t bowl and I’m not sure if you do either. It was hard to subtle with this one)

Nominee #8: You’re my longest tended follower who comes around still, although not as often I am always glad to hear from you. You’re a hard-worker and I have a feeling through your hard work you have inspired others, including myself, to put forth a greater effort. You’re a clever guy and it would be great to actually get to know the man behind your genius sometime. Your last name always makes me think of fish car with gills. This isn’t your fault, don’t feel to blame.

Nominee #9: Finally you are beginning to open up about who you are a little bit. Don’t be afraid. I know it seems like you can burn a bridge and ruin the life you have ahead of you so quickly, truth is it’s hard because most people aren’t paying so close attention. I’m still shocked by your age and how talented you are. You’re well-versed in knowledge and even when you’re talking about something I have no interest in you can get me glued. Making your blog may not have been intended, but having people wanting to get to know you must have been.

Nominee #10: Well, well, well. My sworn enemy. I’ll avoid saying anything negative here as this is time for celebration! The only bad thing I’ll say about you is you’re too timid at times. You should have no reason to. You’re a great artist, a talented writer, and people are always clambering to be around you. You’ve got a gift to  make people like you. Use it. You’re a great father and you actually remind me of my own dad in a lot of ways. Never lose that. Continue pouring your art out into the world. We need it as much as you do.

Nominee #11: I don’t know you very well, but I’ll say something nice because you’re pretty entertaining to talk to. Hopefully you start blogging more than once every three months so we can actually develop some sort of relationship. Anyway, you’re clearly a genius who thinks over top of my head. You’re almost a tomboy but not really. I have no doubt you put your heart into everything it is that you do. You’ll go far in life with all the wonderful things you have about you. Ren in doubt, just remember you’re a lot better than others out there.

Nominee #12: I don’t know you personally very much. Either of you. This is a duel nomination and I’m not sure either of you will ever see this because the one is probably off wearing skinny jeans in Toronto while the other is living something called the camel life whatever that means despite me reading the description. All this aside, you two future lesbian lovers are always a gas to read. You’re two chicks any guy would be lucky to have. It’s a shame you’re in love with each other and yourselves which is the same thing when I think about it.

Nominee #13: I could never find a single negative thing to say about you other than I thought you were a mean person at first. Clearly you’re not. You’re one of the kindest, sweetest, and supportive people I have met. You’re adventurous and daring. You tried describing to me more about what it is you do and it was so complicated I gave up listening. Really though, there’s a lot more to you than you ever let people know and I don’t think you should be afraid to show other sides of you sometimes. You have a way to cheer anybody up and I don’t doubt your closest friends keep you around because of it. A daily dose of you is never enough.

If you were left off don’t feel bad! All this means is we aren’t as close, you’re a dick, or I just don’t like you very much. If you’re really desperate for attention or a compliment let me know and I’ll find some kindness to spread your way. I hope none of what I said was too creepy as it came from a genuine place in my heart.

This is tough for me. I guess it’s best to come right out and say it though. Sigh. I am gay. I know we live in a modern-day when gay people are more accepted in society, but for me it’s different. I’m attracted to women. Like really attracted to them. I don’t even notice men a lot of the time. If I was attracted to men then my being gay would be so simple. I could go adopt a baby and start a civil union with a gay named Hank. That’s not what I want though. I want women. Now that I have come out of the closet I can let you all know just how gay I am.

When I’m excited I get very hyper. Rarely do I get excited though. It takes something like finding a new low-calorie food that I enjoy to make me scream like Carrie Bradshaw did on that one episode of Sex and the City when she saw the guy’s penis or whatever it was that would make her scream. I haven’t been gay for very long so I have a lot of Sex and the City to catch up on. I’m going to have to get rid of all my manly things. My professional wrestling DVDs will have to be tossed into the trash. Professional wrestling is just too incredibly manly for a gay man such as myself.

(The Meme agrees with me. Wrestling is very straight. I’m a little disappointed this is the sexiest picture they could find. A woman yelling while another looks down at a midget with a glare)

You might be sitting there in your chair shocked about my being gay. I’m as shocked as you. It’s almost too much to handle. I almost want to go to a coffee shop alone, sit there and not be bothered, and finish reading the Madonna Biography I bought this afternoon once I realized I was gay. It’s not an autobiography which disappointed me. Isn’t a biography not written by whoever it’s about nothing more than gossip? I mean, I love to gossip and all. Me and the girlfriends sometimes get together and talk about reality shows and Perez Hilton’s website. I’m going to have to do this more now. I need to prove to everyone that I will embrace the new me.

What made me realize I was so flaming? For starters some high school football players bumped into me at a burrito place and said “get out of my way faggot.” This got me thinking. High school football players are pretty smart. They don’t even have to show up to class and they get A’s and girlfriends. I never cut class. I got B minuses and one time a girl’s hair touched my arm and she didn’t cut the hair off. I still think about that girl sometimes. I wonder what she would think about me being gay. I hope she doesn’t think her hair touching me turned me this way. Maybe she’s looking for a gay best friend to lather her up before a big business meeting. I can give her gay-friend advice like “don’t let that boy push you around” or “pink is good before AND after Labor Day.”

(This picture is blinding. I need to watch a few more episodes of Glee before being able to look at it again)

I have always been a person who has color coordinated. I blame my mom for this. Isn’t it always a mother’s fault for turning her son gay? She used to make sure my sweat pants always matched my shirts. She took me shopping a lot too. One time at the mall she even made me use the women’s room because she was too afraid a man in the men’s room might abduct me. Again, another mistake by her. If I was allowed to go into the men’s room like a normal person maybe I might have caught a glimpse of a man urinating. This could have made me attracted to men. I would be a normal gay person not some freak who behaves like one and is still into girls. I feel like a monster. A big flashy purple pastel freak.

The problem with this will be explaining to my future wife about being gay. How do I break it to her? She needs to be warned about my calorie counting, forearm veins, and uncalled for negative attitude that us gays always have in us. Didn’t gay used to mean happy? Then how come gays, like myself, are always whining about food being too salty? A friend of mine told me you cannot become an official gay until you lick a sweaty man. That sounds extremely salty tasting. See, I’m already complaining and I haven’t even tried it yet. On a scale from Rusty Staub to John Waters I’m probably a Rosie O’Donnell.

(Her neck looks like deserted terrain. Or should I say, desserted? Because she’s overweight…At least I’m not gay enough to know her son’s name is Parker)

With all the problems this has caused me, it’s good to finally be out. Thank Cher I have such a great support system to get me through this. I say thank Cher because I feel like I should embrace her as my new God. If I’m going to commit to being who I need to be, I need to give it my all. My jeans have already been transformed into cutoffs. I bought a new bucket of pink paint and all day I have been tossing it onto everything I see. I will no longer refer to shirts by their color, but rather by their patterns or prints. I think leopard is going to be my favorite. It lets people know I’m wild but soft at the same time.

Anyone interested in applying to be my beard, please send me an email at I would like to say this email address is new, but I’ve had it since Poker Face came out.

Several years ago a movie came out called The Ring. People flocked to this film. Naomi Watts was a hot item. They heard a horse falls off a boat and drowns at one point. Adam Brody also made a quick cameo as did Joan of Arcadia. This was a movie that had everything we could all ever want. The problem, it scared me away from rings. All kinds of rings. I cannot look at a circular object without being reminded of that creepy black and white upside down chair movie. I hate black and white movies! Even more, I hate upside down chairs. I’m afraid someone is going to stick a leg up my butt out of revenge. I owe money to some pretty powerful and perverted people.

Onions sometimes come in ring form. They are deep-fried and delicious. Onion rings are very underrated. I remember I would get pissed whenever my mom or dad would pick onion rings over French fries for me to eat. Look at me, some fat kid upset he doesn’t get the fattening food he was looking forward to. I deserved to choke on my chicken wings. Not always does the fried onion come in ring form. Chili’s has the onion straws which are shaped like Scarecrow epidermis. Scarecrow epidermis of course meaning hay straws.

(One time I got Burger King French fries and there was an onion ring at the bottom. My life went downhill ever since)

Another type of ring is the ovarian ring. I do not know much about this ring. Several health teachers in school tried teaching me about this. It’s basically used to prevent pregnancy. I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to prevent pregnancy. What are we, barbaric sinning pagans who have sex for pleasure instead of procreation? The only birth control I ever use is abstinence. The safest way to avoid having a baby, don’t have sex! Similar to the safest way to avoid a shark attack, stay out of the water!

(I remember this question being asked on Survivor about the sharks and only Johnny Fairplay got it right. Here’s the F, here’s the Y, I’m everything in between)

Speaking of rings and sex, there’s the purity ring. I hate the purity ring so much. I dated a girl who had one. I noticed her ring one time and asked what it meant. She would not tell me. Then I found out. Then we never spoke again. Purity rings are nice in theory. I just think it’s a little ridiculous that you have to wear a piece of jewelry to remind yourself what your values you are. It’s like my old hit list theory. If you have to write someone’s name down to remind yourself you want them dead, you don’t hate them enough to wish them dead. Some people go even crazier with these reminders. I know of a person who tattooed “Live” on her wrist to remind herself not to kill herself. Either that or she really liked the album Throwing Copper.

(Bald guy from the band Live whose album Throwing Copper caused many riots involving pennies being tossed at police officers)

I’m aware I have gotten older now that I look at a girl’s hands to see if she has a ring on it. I’m looking more for if she’s married more than if she’s saving herself for the wrong guy who will later divorce her. The big problem is I don’t know the difference between a purity ring, wedding ring, or NBA championship ring. I hate everything about finger rings. Have they done anyone anything good? Their only fun aspect is you can put it on then punch someone in the face and see your graduating class year imprinted on their forehead. The only time I have ever worn a ring was when I found it at the bottom of a cereal box. I could blow into it and hear a spinning sound.

(Didn’t Ace Ventura get punched with a Super Bowl ring? I really hope I remember the plot to AFI’s 12th greatest film involving Pet Detectives correctly)

Ring around the rosy is a popular game among children who cannot afford video games. Most of us know the dark history behind the game. It has something to do with Monkey Pox outbreak in the 1970s. I’m not exactly sure what. I do not pay attention to children games or Center for Disease Control history. The way this game is played is you hold hands and dance around in a circle singing about pocket pussies and someone named Ashley. I don’t know why I’m trying to write about this game. I feel like I got something wrong.

(Everyone in this picture is dead now or is so old they wish they were)

The more I think about rings the more evil they are. There’s ring worm. That’s something you get from being a dirty person who does not shower. Hula hoops are kind of like giant rings. I never liked the hula hoop. I never had the hips, coordination, or love for Alvin and the Chipmunks to enjoy this sham gift. It’s a fucking giant ball with a hole in it! That’s all a hula hoop is. It’s like they cut out the good part of the toy. There’s also that dangerous theme park game where you ride the carousel and grab a ring. How many kids reached too far, fell off, and had their skulls crushed in and bodies dragged along the dirt trying to get a free ride? A lot I’m sure. Nazis claim this is what happened to six million Jews during the 1940s.

(“Jews really want a free carousel ride. You know how they can be, always trying to save the money. What’s that? Concentration camp? My, that’s the most ridiculous thing ever!” – says the Nazi as he signals to his buddies to get the hell out of there)

I tried to write this with an unbiased opinion. Turns out I really do hate rings. Other than in fried onion form of course. Even the brass rings on binders have always scared me. Those fuckers are like bear traps. I hope I didn’t sway you either way much. But the topic of rings is like politics or religion. You shouldn’t be persuaded through a single blog post. It’s something you should learn about through life experience. I also hate wrestling rings. How do you fight someone in a circle? There’s no cornering someone. A real fight always needs some cornering.

“Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble ring on it! Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble ring on it!” – Beyonce “Spud” Knowles