Big Meals

Is there anything on earth better than a big meal? Maybe seeing an enemy starve us equal. Certainly nothing beats it.

After a big meal today though, I had my confidence shattered. Police officers are protecting our freedom at the entrance to the train I ride with random bag checks. They’re on the clock ensuring nobody blows up the train because if somebody did they’d let all of New Jersey down.

Sometimes I do have a bag, but today all I had was my charming personality and a belly full of food. Apparently, cleaning my plate at dinner was enough to cause stomach expansion to a level in which my stomach actually looked like I was smuggling something.

Aren’t police officers supposed to have good eyesight? Or am I confusing them with baseball umpires? Which is the one we’re supposed to spit on in an argument? I guess the answer depends on your race.

The lawman asked that I step over to have my bag checked. Not since my last physical when the final turn your head and cough moment has anyone asked to check any bag of mine. I agreed to the bag check only for the police officer to then question if I even had one. I didn’t so he let me pass.

I could feel bad about this. Instead I’m going to blame it on my four layers of baggy clothing. Between my oversized wrestling t-shirt, stretched out plaid business attire, gargantuan hoodie covered in dog fur and bearded lady facial remnants, and jacket–it’s no wonder the policeman didn’t ask me to remove the family from under my shirt.

I think he was embarrassed. If he wasn’t, I’m supposed to sue him for hurting my feelings.

Worst of all, as I was haunted by memories of being a fat kid, some mother snuck baby formula onto the train. Fat shaming me nearly cost America its innocence today all because I dress like a slob.

(Okay, so maybe the cop wasn’t so crazy after all. He should have at least searched my giant head)

Ineffective Ab Exercises

I had a bunch of stuff I planned to publish on Yahoo before they made the executive decision to shut the site down. This coming after the Yahoo purchased the site Associated Content several years ago for a couple million dollars only to never really take advantage of it. They own Tumblr too now, a site nobody uses. Tumblr is like the worst of every other site out there and it’s owned by that cunt Marissa Mayer who owns Yahoo. In short, here’s something I had planned to publish there.

Five Least Effective Ab Exercises

We all dream of having six-pack abs, but not all of us have the patience to figure out how to do it. Truthfully I have no idea either. What I do know are the exercises you shouldn’t do if you want to have washboard abs.

Eating a Tub of Ice Cream

By some accounts a gluttonous activity, eating a tub of ice cream does have some health benefits. Ice cream is high in calcium plus the more you eat the more overheating your body becomes which burns calories. Unfortunately the calories they burn are excessive already and really it’s just trying to catch up to normal. You will never achieve six-pack abs if you decide to eat lots of ice cream. Instead opt for some frozen snow peas. They are practically the same thing!

Stomach Punches

It has become common knowledge how ineffective stomach crunches are for abs. The same can be said about stomach punches. Hitting yourself or having a friend give you jabs to midsection is not only a bad way to get in shape, it can also kill you. This is how magician Harry Houdini died. Houdini however was not trying to get in shape for summer. He was merely trying to prove a point, which he didn’t.

Drawing Abs on Your Stomach with Permanent Marker

Don’t let the packaging fool you; permanent marker is only temporary when drawn on skin. Yes you should probably call up the patent office and demand a refund if you are one of the millions of people who draw ab muscles on your belly only to have it wash off the following week when you finally took a shower. The same can be said about t-shirts with fake abs on them. These articles of clothing only offer a temporary solution to your round stomach problem.

Ironing Your Flesh

Never touch a hot iron to your skin! No matter how much your trainer insists this is a quick way to get a six-pack, it is nothing more than broscience. Irons are for clothes and dropping down dumbwaiters onto criminals like in the first Home Alone movie. If you were to try ironing your stomach to tone up your ab muscles you would instead end up in the hospital where you will end up gaining a few pounds from all of the delicious hospital food.

Standing in front of the Microwave

George Washington was the first to warn about the dangers of standing in front of the microwave. As a President of the United States we have to trust him. While there is no proven danger that results from parking your stomach in front of what basically equates to a small box of nuclear weaponry, this is not a way to slim down. Surely a better option would be to, while the microwave is heating up a low-carb meal, lift it up and down over your head while contracting your abs in a forceful outward motion.

(Because if your stomach doesn’t look like this you are living a worthless existence)

Mistaken Nazis

The Nazis have a reputation for being bad people. Most of the blame can be placed on the Indiana Jones movies and fact. There is one Nazi in particular who managed to rise above the rest and have his name known more than any others. That man was so powerful he only goes by his last name, Hitler.

(I actually made this meme and sent it to a girl. Mostly embarrassed that I made a meme)

I remember in school whenever we learned about the Nazis the teachers would make a list of factors and whether or not you would be killed during the Holocaust. This was not very effective since the majority of my school were Irish and Italians. In my reading class there was one mulatto we determined would have been killed and nobody really liked him any way so the Nazis seemed like a fly stuck in a light; only a minor inconvenience.

Not researching much into Hitler’s personality and basing it more off water cooler conversations I have had on the job, I see how I could easily be mistaken for a Nazi. I have several things in common with Hitler.

1) We both love animals. Hitler was a vegetarian or a vegan. I’m not sure. If you have ever had vegan ice cream you will know only the most evil person in the world could have enjoyed it. I eat meat daily and feel sick if I do not. That still doesn’t change the fact I enjoy animals and so did Hitler. Looks like we have a conversation starter all ready to go.

2) We both idolized a movie character so much we changed our image to reflect them. Hitler was a big Charlie Chaplin fan and stole his mustache. I was such a big fan of Taxi Driver that I got a mohawk like Robert DeNiro. Only a truly insane person would ever do this and I will not argue in favor of either of us being sane enough to function in the real world.

3) We both hate juice. Hitler reportedly killed 6 million juice. I’m not sure if this was measured in liters or by the carton. I’m not even sure why it’s referred to him killing the juice as juice never was alive. I’m not a fan of juice either as most are high carbohydrates and sugary. I’ll drink the juice sometimes, but like Hitler, I prefer white beverages like milk with my breakfast.

4) We both were denied access into art school. Hitler always wanted to be a painter. He sent his work in and they turned him down which eventually led to him becoming the most evil dictator in the world. I never bothered trying to get into an art school. It just sounds interesting. Think of all of the needy girls willing to strip just to be told they are unique and artistic. I could have scored so much. I was denied the access though because I didn’t have the skills or desire.

5) We both have orgasms when we give speeches. I remember hearing from a kid in 5th grade that Hitler had one of his testicles removed because he would get so excited during his speeches he would orgasm. I never had my testicles removed so I still have orgasms whenever I give speeches. I’m just a passionate person. Don’t make fun.

Do you have anything in common with an evil person?

Breakfasts

I forgot I had a file on my computer labeled “Submissions.” Despite your best guest, this fall was not filled with different ways to tie a girl down. These were things I had planned to submit to popular humor websites like University Funny or Cocained. I was tired of always being rejected on everything I submitted so this file sat dormant and untouched since June 20th when I guess I last added something to it. This is just a little behind the scenes as to where this little ditty came from. I was going to submit some of these along with the other things I am writing for Yahoo, but I don’t want to be too edgy there, plus I can live without the 5 cents this would earn me.

What Your Breakfast Choice Says About Your Sex Life

Can your choice of breakfast really give others an idea what you are like in bed? Scientists will say no. Keep in mind, many scientists do not believe in Intelligent Design. This means scientists must believe in Unintelligent Design. Conclusion, scientists are stupid and you can indeed tell what a person is like in bed based on their breakfast choices.

What does OATMEAL for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re not flashy, you don’t care what anyone else thinks, you have sex because it’s just something you think you should do, and sex with you is somewhat bland but you are very filling nonetheless.

What do POPTARTS for breakfast say about my sex life?

You tend to remain flat, anyone can do everything you can in the matter of seconds, and the older you get the more you will realize this is for kids.

What do PANCAKE for breakfast say about my sex life?

You have a really good reputation, you go well with anything and at any time of the day, and you’re near perfect.

What do WAFFLES for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re trying too hard to do what the pancake does better. Give up. You’ll never be as good.

What does FRESH FRUIT for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re boring, you have no imagination or willingness to be daring, and you’re probably a lonely person who will die that way.

What does CEREAL for breakfast say about my sex life?

You are a lot better in theory, in the beginning you’re pretty good, after a while you get a little too soggy, and you tend to make a bigger mess than anyone ever expected.

What do EGGS for breakfast say about my sex life?

You know a million different ways to do it and each way ends with you having terrible gas.

What does COLD PIZZA for breakfast say about my sex life?

You don’t put much thought into anything you do, you tend to not finish what you started the night before and try to make up for it the next morning, and you think having something is better than having nothing at all.

What does HAVING NOTHING for breakfast say about my sex life?

You were probably too busy jerking off to have time to prepare anything for breakfast. Get some granola bars.

20 Overrated People & Other Things

In no particular order, here are 20 people and other things I find completely overrated.

1) Steve Jobs – Jobs is best known as the father of antisocialism which is strange because I think he was politically a socialist. In my opinion life hasn’t gotten any better thanks to Apple products. Oh iPods are great? Tell me that when you can’t hear the rapist’s heavy breathing as he approaches you from behind because you’re too busy listening to your old Dido songs.

2) New York Yankees – Yankees fans like to brag about how many championships the team has won. Well, consider the fact that there weren’t very many teams until the 1960s. Odds of winning were much great. They also had the one player who could hit home runs for a decade. Chances are Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig were cheating if combined they were hitting home runs than an entire division. My theory is Gehrig wanted to admit to the cheating and Ruth infected him with the Lou Gehrig Disease needle and then threatened to do it to the rest of his family if he told. Gehrig kept quiet.

3) Christmas – I haven’t gotten a great gift in years. This holiday stinks.

(Fuck these two dandy queers. Put on some pants snowman)

4) Barack Obama – Barack Obama as president reminds me of when Mick Foley was the Raw General Manager in the WWE. Both seem like nice guys, but they’re full of empty promises and in my opinion are spot monkeys. And no, that wasn’t a racist joke. Not that the other options were better, but has Obama done anything he said he would other than let his wife boss him around?

5) The Beatles – Other than Helter Skelter, for Charles Manson fan reasons, I couldn’t tell you a thing The Beatles did that I like. What I hate the most is John Lennon. He acted like he cared about humanity yet the first time Asian snatch comes around he bails on his lifetime friends. Better Than Ezra is better than The Beatles.

 (I really hope the teacher gave John an F on this assignment then made him go to the school dance with the ugly Asian exchange student Yoko)

6) Zooey Deschanel – She’s not funny nor is she a good actress. Why are people obsessed with her? She looks like a flattened cereal box. Ugh I hate skinny hipster girls. Not that I love the fat ones. I just hate when we take a singer and pretend she’s a talented actress when she’s not.

7) Humanity – In the last year alone we’ve had the dope shooting up the movie theater, the Newtown shooting, and the Boston bombing. Before we used to average one of these every 3 or 4 years. We also have things like the imprisoned girls in Cleveland. Awful things like this have always happened and I’m sure we don’t know the half of them, but it’s starting to get overwhelming. Why doesn’t some sick person put their energy into something more productive? If you must kill people, become a Robin Hood type hero. You’ll actually make a positive change.

8) College – Do you know who didn’t go to college? Jesus! He’s one of the most famous people around. College seems to be nothing more than delay factories for adulthood. Fuck I’m only 8 into this list and I already wish I was living back in Ancient Rome where they decided everything for you.

(I don’t think Jesus even graduated high school. What am I doing with my life???)

9) Bacon – Bacon is one of the few meats I do not enjoy. I think I’d rather eat a salad for breakfast than bacon which probably makes me gay.

10) Parties – Asking someone to come to your party is like saying “I enjoy your existence, but I really don’t like being around you when I’m sober.” Of course not all parties involve alcohol though. I’m not sure why you would have a party otherwise though because who is a person that is worth being around while sober?

11) Modern Family After Season One – The first season of Modern Family was great. The second season was okay. After that I stopped watching. I’m not sure where the show went wrong. Maybe it was not enough nude Sofia Vergara scenes? I shouldn’t expect that though. We’re in America. Nudity scares us. I think it was just too many jokes falling flat with too many characters in the show for us to ever like them all.

12) Karaoke – There’s enough professional bad music out there and we still feel the need to create some of it on our own. Karaoke is fun I guess if you do ecstasy or live in a country where food doesn’t exist and the insurgents are always blowing up your hospitals. I don’t live in one of these places so I don’t really feel the need to enjoy karaoke.

(Fun…?)

13) Owning Lots of Pets – I think there should be a rule that a household cannot own more than one pet per person living there. I also think parents shouldn’t be allowed to have more than three children, one extra in case there’s some big war or disease that wipes one out. Keep in mind that the more pets you own the more poop you will have to deal with. The same goes with children. Isn’t it hard enough dealing with your own poop?

14) Ironman – Ironman is probably my least favorite superhero after “Molestation Man.” Molestation Man never was too mainstream so don’t feel embarrassed if you’re not familiar. Ironman of course is basically Bruce Wayne, but more annoying. He has no good bad guys. I’ve always said that a comic book hero is only as good as his bad guys. I’ve never seen any of the Ironman movies and don’t plan on ever seeing them. Oh look that drunk Robert Downey Jr. is reciting snarky one-liners with a sexual undertone and now he’s flying. Great.

15) Johnny Depp/Tim Burton Alliance – I’ve complained about this before so I’ll spare you some reading. Their movies all stink since Sleepy Hollow. Cut it out you two.

16) Anal Sex – He said it would feel good, but now it just hurts to sit down anywhere.

(No caption needed)

17) Having Cable – There are literally around 30 television shows on Netflix I need to watch. I haven’t had cable in 3 1/2 years and I’ve survived. In fact, since I started living without cable I’ve grown up more and had more motivation to actually start writing my own stuff rather than watching other people’s creations. Cable stinks. Spend your money on something else.

18) Vacations – I could survive never going on another leisurely vacation. I don’t think I’d ever want to not travel somewhere ever again though. That sounds sad. If they were business trips though I would deal. Vacations seem to stress me out too much. I have to figure my way out around somewhere new. It took me almost a year in my last neighborhood I lived in to realize there was a CVS down the road and there were two Wawas a lot closer than I thought. Now I have to find the CVS and Wawas in a new place? No. Stop it. Vacations are too stressful and I know one day I will die while on one.

19) Blow Jobs – I’m trying reverse psychology here. I want some girl to be like “What? I’ll prove it to you” and then she does.

20) Concerts – I’ve only been to a handful of concerts in my life and most were against my choosing. I never know how to behave at concerts. Worse, the band never sounds as good. The only reason to ever go to a concert seems to be to throw something at the musicians on stage which of course would mean you have to see people you don’t even like which makes little sense.

(This is how AIDS was made. Hey, at least I didn’t put this under the picture of The Village People)

What’s something you find overrated?

Grocery Shoppers

Other than watching the garbage truck flip the trash into its top in front of my house on Saturday mornings, going grocery shopping was the highlight of my life. When you’re young grocery shopping is amazing, mostly because it’s not your money. I used to find going grocery shopping therapeutic before I was the one paying for survival. Now whenever I go shopping I get pissed off knowing if I don’t do it I’ll die. I yearn for those older days when grocery shopping was a treat. Take a journey with me back to those days will ya?

The most unusual thing when I was a kid when it comes to grocery shopping is that my family didn’t stick with one specific store. There was Shop Rite, Acme, and Marazzo’s. All three were very different stores. All three had their charm. Shop Rite was gigantic and always had movies playing near the register. I remember my dad stopping for a smoke outside Shop Rite once and I went running into the street because I was so impatient. Somewhere out there this could have made a great anti-smoking campaign. Acme was the newer one to come around. What was great about Acme was it was opened 24 hours a day. When I was older I would never go shopping before midnight there. It was always 2 or 3 in the morning. I loved seeing creepy people buy middle of the night cheesecakes. Finally there was Marazzo’s which was more localized. It was owned by Sam Marazzo who once nearly screwed up my birthday because the cake my family ordered was not made. He did eventually come through and I’ve had fantastic birthdays ever since.

(I spent this last year alone watching the Snow White movie and eating fruit. You be the judge if I’m sarcastic saying it was fantastic)

It never mattered which store I was at, I always managed to cause mayhem. Going with the garbage truck theme, one game I would play with my sister was called garbage man. We would hang on the side of the shopping cart like a garbage man does to a garbage truck and jump off and grab food. Why was I obsessed with garbage when I was a little kid? Is this why I don’t own anything nice and everything I buy is used?

Another game I played had no name. It was simply grabbing large sticks of pepperoni from a barrel and sneaking it into the cart then hoping my dad didn’t see until we got to the check-out. A few times he didn’t and he’d laugh and buy the pepperoni. It was weird how obsessed with pepperoni I was when I was a kid. I remember eating it almost every day. I would also bite my coat collars a lot. When coat collar was bitten so often it actually smelt like pepperoni for years after. I wish this was not true.

(Who would ever need to buy this much pepperoni? This is why people are fat)

The only intrusive thing I ever did that would annoy me if I saw a kid doing today was running down the aisles and sliding on my knees. Remember though, this was back in the early 90s. People were still smoking in grocery stores so running and sliding without wheezing was seen as a miracle. Once I almost slid into the evil lunch aide from my elementary school, Mrs. Casa. She was a Spanish woman who for some reason spoke like an Austrian S.S. Officer. “Lunch is over. Please close your lunchboxes” was her catchphrase the children would all repeat. I think Mrs. Casa was smoking a cigar when I saw her in Shop Rite. I’m probably mistaken because my young racist mind always assumed she was related to Fidel Castro.

I think my sister was the one who ruined the grocery shopping fun. Once during a race at Acme I took a commanding lead. I turned the corner then looked back expecting to see her there. She wasn’t. I heard a crash then went to investigate. I looked down the aisle and saw her standing above a broken pickle jar. Glass was everywhere. Pickle spears fluttered on the ground or whatever it is pickle spears do. The manager came over and did managerial things and my sister has been so afraid of pickles ever since that she’s a lesbian now.

(Penis joke)

Now the most fun I ever have at the grocery store is finding something I like on sale. Why does it always come down to money to have a good time?

Share with me, do you have any fun stories about grocery shopping as a kid? Or did you have some other special place like the dump your parents would take you to for fun?

Bad Foods

I have made it no secret how much I love food. I have seen sandwiches I wanted to have sex with. Other than Swiss cheese or a bagel I’m not sure how one would go about doing “it” with food. I guess you could stick just about anything up your butt. Then there’s the whole question on how lesbians have sex. I’m not going to get into that. If I question someone’s lifestyle or how they go about things I will seem insensitive. I’ve lived long enough to know you’re better off being lost than asking questions so you understand things better. Scissoring aside, there are a few edible items however that I do not have much love for. Believe it or not, there are some foods I think are bad.

Ham: I do not like ham. It’s the only animal flesh I get a little sick thinking about. Hamburgers are great but it’s plain ham that grosses me out. It’s salty, pink, and I imagine it to be the way a tire might taste. What’s wrong with eating turkey on the holidays? Turkeys are much more obnoxious than pigs, let’s kill them and feast instead. I also seem to be the only person on earth who doesn’t like bacon. I think hot dogs are wonderful so it’s not my inner Muslim coming out. If you ever have me over for dinner and want me to go home hungry, serve up some ham.

(What fat kid ever would agree to be called Ham? Not only is it dead flesh, it comes from the token lazy fat animal, the pig. Maybe this is why Patrick Renna grew up to be a Scientologist)

Fried Calamari: There was a point when I loved fried calamari. It lasted about two months and now I literally want to throw up whenever I think about it. I would actually leave me house to get fried calamari from a local fish place. That’s right, when my parents were still providing me with groceries I would leave the home and spend my own money for food I loved it so much. I think what happened was I ate too much of it. The creepiest thing is this was the kind of calamari that looks like calamari, with the creepy legs and such. I’ve heard the average person eats 10 spiders a year while sleeping. Eating fried calamari is like eating two dozen giant spiders in one sitting.

(Fry this up and call it calamari. No one will notice the difference because people who eat so many fried foods are in denial about way too much already)

Spaghetti: I don’t hate spaghetti by any stretch. If someone handed me a bowl of spaghetti I would eat it no problem. I just think it’s a very overrated food is all. Baked ziti is where it’s at. You can put a piece of baked ziti into your mouth, blow into it, and a whistling sound will come out. I know, badass right? I know I’m going to sound like a dirty Guinea here but my mom made the best baked ziti with meat sauce. Eating plain spaghetti feels like you’re eating pure future bottom of the stomach fat. When I eat I like to at least give my body a shot at not getting fatter.

Ribs: Again, I don’t mind ribs but I really do mind having incredibly messy fingers. Chicken wings are different. I could eat chicken wings until the cows come home then laugh about how all the chickens were slaughtered so I had an appetizer to dip into my bleu cheese. I think I ate ribs once at a barbecue. It was in 2008 when everyone had Obama-mania. Ribs were all anybody had.

(Do you know how I know God isn’t black? He didn’t dip Eve in barbecue sauce)

Those Orange and Green Fruits in a Fruit Salad: Don’t you hate those fuckers at the bottom of a fruit salad? Fuckers is the only thing I know to call them. They’re some kind of melon. The worst thing about them I believe is they are the first thing the evil fruit salad creators put into the container. They’re always at the bottom so that way you buy your fruit salad thinking you’ve just got delicious blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, and watermelon. Then you get to the bottom and see these assholes sitting there completely tasteless. I don’t waste food very often but sometimes I will toss these out my car window.

Seltzer: It’s not food but Seltzer sucks. They try to give it flavors so you’re tricked into thinking you’re drinking more than disgusting flavored water. How about you just piss in my mouth instead? My sister once said at Six Flags that she was so thirsty she would drink Seltzer. I guess it’s an acquired taste that comes from having terrible DNA.

(One of the first pictures that came up when typing “Seltzer Fan” into Google. not only does he look like this, he’s waiting to see Vampires Suck, a film by Aaron Seltzer. Yuck)

Walnuts: I have had a nut obsession these last few months. I’ve been eating peanuts or almonds for lunch and every so often I’ll get pistachios to pull apart while I take a bath. I tried walnuts because I’m a fan of nuts and also think walls are very important. I was very disappointed. Walnuts taste like old people fingers. I have never tasted old people fingers in this lifetime but a psychic once took $10 from me and said I had tasted them in my past life. Wet walnuts are wonderful though because they’re smothered in a disgusting high fructose corn syrup ejaculate. Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of eating a healthy nut? It’s like those people we know who go to the gym 5 days a week and eat like shit. Has it ever occurred to them to maybe skip a few desserts and they’d actually see results?

How about you, what are some foods you hate? Don’t say cheese. I eat cheese by the block.

Eating Habits

Everyone reading this right now eats. Knowing what I do about you, you probably eat way too much. It’s fine. I eat a lot too. In the last year alone my eating escapades have included an entire box of cereal three times in one sitting, an entire roasted chicken in one standing (sitting would have only delayed eating time), and most happily my adventure eating an entire stick of butter just because I could. Maybe the butter was actually two years ago but I’m mentioning it anyway because I’m trying to impress women here. The way to a man’s heart is by being impressed with how much he can eat. And that’s what we’re going to talk about today, the eating habits we have from the time we’re birthed to the time we tragically die skydiving at age 90.

(Last Wednesday I was sick so I ate a box of waffles and a box of Wheat Thins because you’re supposed to starve a cold and feed a fever. I had a fever. I had to make sure to feed it)

When we’re first born we can’t eat much. We either suck everything out from a tit (oh to be a baby again) or have crummy mashed fruits and vegetables. I think it was 4 years ago when I actually bought a thing of baby food to taste it. Very disappointing. The baby on the label looked much happier than I was. I don’t remember eating at all when I was a baby. I do remember seeing one picture of me at around 3-4 when I wasn’t fat. Really, a picture of me not looking fat was the rarest thing on earth. Indiana Jones would have risked his life to find this relic. I must have been a bad boy and was denied food for a while because there’s no other explanation for why the boy who had to be tempted with candy to finally use the toilet would look so slim.

(Lifesavers are what my mom gave me once I finally took a dump in the real toilet. I don’t remember how old I was but I was old enough to remember her sitting on the tub’s edge staring at me as I let my chips fall)

Once school starts eating becomes more of a social thing. At a young age we eat to survive and block out the pain of not having every toy we want. In elementary school they made us sit with our classes to eat lunch. I guess they thought this was safer than having kids run around all over the place. Then scientists did tests on the food they were serving and realized they were killing us with cardboard pizza. I bought lunch 4 days of the week I was such a foodie. I only cried once about lunch because it was chicken cheesesteak and my dad told me it was regular cheesesteak. I cried so hard I was hoping they would send me hope. God forbid I try something new. And guess what, I actually liked chicken cheesesteak! That’s what I miss most about kindergarten, crying and getting sent home which I did very often.

When middle school started we got to pick who we sat with. Or I can put that another way and say the girls got to choose not to sit anywhere near me. The cafeteria food was a bit better and they had real Dominos every Friday. For I think $8 you could buy an entire pie. The key to this was not bringing lunch on Fridays. You would befriend a rich kid who nobody liked and would have cash to buy an entire pie. Even I have never finished an entire pizza. Toward the end of lunch the person you’re taking advantage of will see he has a lot of food left. Not wanting to be wasteful he would offer you a slice or two. My friends caught onto the strategy me and another fat kid used every Friday. He was actually poor. I was just a master of manipulation.

(Stupid Matt would grease himself up and carry an empty bowl with him in hopes people would toss pizza into it. Stupid kid. You can’t eat pizza from a bowl)

I only ate lunch in high school the first two years. The lines were so long that it wasn’t worth it if you weren’t first in line. I usually spent lunch doing homework. My time at home was the time I could eat. This was also around the same age when you could go out with your friends and eat. I think I went out for pizza once with a friend. My dad took us then he went outside to smoke because at least his cigarettes couldn’t grow up to be queer like he was certain I was on my way to. The worst was always going out with your family to eat and seeing classmates there without adult supervision. You’d always have to pretend your parents weren’t your parents; they were kidnappers who happened to have the same hairlines. I remember at Pizza Hut telling my parents to call me Scott because I was so embarrassed of a kid whose mom drove a school bus of making fun of me.

After high school ends you’re pretty much on your own when it comes to eating. Your parents toss you out on the street with a bag of bread and an egg and flip you the bird then send you on your way. At least this is what my life was. Adults have strange eating habits. Adults either have no shame or all they do is have shame. I’ve seen hot girls eating in their cars. My hand to God’s nose or however the saying goes, hot girls! What’s a hot girl doing eating in her car? That’s where creeps like me eat. Look under my car seats, there are pieces of food I haven’t eaten in months. I guess it’s better than what other adults do. Adults who attack any piece of food they see like they’re some starving mouse. I never want turn into someone without dignity.

(You’re so beautiful! Put the cake down! You’re going to end up working in my office if you don’t and your life will revolve around the monthly birthday celebration)

I’m not sure what really old people do foodwise. My only inkling is my grandfather yelling at me to keep my elbows off the table. Does prune juice still exist? I know geezers like that stuff because when you get to a certain age you drink foods that in their solid form resemble your face.

Disappearances

Every year thousands of people go missing. They’re abducted by aliens, kidnapped by Mexicans then sold to Colombians to pay off an ancient Aztec debt, and others spontaneously combust in the shower (that’s why there’s no evidence of a fire or burnt clothing). Like a magician I will be doing a disappearing act. Not for long, a week perhaps. I’ll be on vacation/holiday/a whore seducting spree, whatever you want to call it. All that matters is I will be absent from all blogging activities until I return from vacation/holiday/all the whores in Los Angeles are swooning over me begging to taste my pimp hand again. I’ll let you know if I’m alive in about a week.

When I get back I plan on talking about the trip along with a lot about food and destiny, mostly food and never the destiny of food. Food’s only destiny is to become poop. End of story.

And while you’re off missing me, check this out The Tim Boyle Day of Excellence

Rings

Several years ago a movie came out called The Ring. People flocked to this film. Naomi Watts was a hot item. They heard a horse falls off a boat and drowns at one point. Adam Brody also made a quick cameo as did Joan of Arcadia. This was a movie that had everything we could all ever want. The problem, it scared me away from rings. All kinds of rings. I cannot look at a circular object without being reminded of that creepy black and white upside down chair movie. I hate black and white movies! Even more, I hate upside down chairs. I’m afraid someone is going to stick a leg up my butt out of revenge. I owe money to some pretty powerful and perverted people.

Onions sometimes come in ring form. They are deep-fried and delicious. Onion rings are very underrated. I remember I would get pissed whenever my mom or dad would pick onion rings over French fries for me to eat. Look at me, some fat kid upset he doesn’t get the fattening food he was looking forward to. I deserved to choke on my chicken wings. Not always does the fried onion come in ring form. Chili’s has the onion straws which are shaped like Scarecrow epidermis. Scarecrow epidermis of course meaning hay straws.

(One time I got Burger King French fries and there was an onion ring at the bottom. My life went downhill ever since)

Another type of ring is the ovarian ring. I do not know much about this ring. Several health teachers in school tried teaching me about this. It’s basically used to prevent pregnancy. I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to prevent pregnancy. What are we, barbaric sinning pagans who have sex for pleasure instead of procreation? The only birth control I ever use is abstinence. The safest way to avoid having a baby, don’t have sex! Similar to the safest way to avoid a shark attack, stay out of the water!

(I remember this question being asked on Survivor about the sharks and only Johnny Fairplay got it right. Here’s the F, here’s the Y, I’m everything in between)

Speaking of rings and sex, there’s the purity ring. I hate the purity ring so much. I dated a girl who had one. I noticed her ring one time and asked what it meant. She would not tell me. Then I found out. Then we never spoke again. Purity rings are nice in theory. I just think it’s a little ridiculous that you have to wear a piece of jewelry to remind yourself what your values you are. It’s like my old hit list theory. If you have to write someone’s name down to remind yourself you want them dead, you don’t hate them enough to wish them dead. Some people go even crazier with these reminders. I know of a person who tattooed “Live” on her wrist to remind herself not to kill herself. Either that or she really liked the album Throwing Copper.

(Bald guy from the band Live whose album Throwing Copper caused many riots involving pennies being tossed at police officers)

I’m aware I have gotten older now that I look at a girl’s hands to see if she has a ring on it. I’m looking more for if she’s married more than if she’s saving herself for the wrong guy who will later divorce her. The big problem is I don’t know the difference between a purity ring, wedding ring, or NBA championship ring. I hate everything about finger rings. Have they done anyone anything good? Their only fun aspect is you can put it on then punch someone in the face and see your graduating class year imprinted on their forehead. The only time I have ever worn a ring was when I found it at the bottom of a cereal box. I could blow into it and hear a spinning sound.

(Didn’t Ace Ventura get punched with a Super Bowl ring? I really hope I remember the plot to AFI’s 12th greatest film involving Pet Detectives correctly)

Ring around the rosy is a popular game among children who cannot afford video games. Most of us know the dark history behind the game. It has something to do with Monkey Pox outbreak in the 1970s. I’m not exactly sure what. I do not pay attention to children games or Center for Disease Control history. The way this game is played is you hold hands and dance around in a circle singing about pocket pussies and someone named Ashley. I don’t know why I’m trying to write about this game. I feel like I got something wrong.

(Everyone in this picture is dead now or is so old they wish they were)

The more I think about rings the more evil they are. There’s ring worm. That’s something you get from being a dirty person who does not shower. Hula hoops are kind of like giant rings. I never liked the hula hoop. I never had the hips, coordination, or love for Alvin and the Chipmunks to enjoy this sham gift. It’s a fucking giant ball with a hole in it! That’s all a hula hoop is. It’s like they cut out the good part of the toy. There’s also that dangerous theme park game where you ride the carousel and grab a ring. How many kids reached too far, fell off, and had their skulls crushed in and bodies dragged along the dirt trying to get a free ride? A lot I’m sure. Nazis claim this is what happened to six million Jews during the 1940s.

(“Jews really want a free carousel ride. You know how they can be, always trying to save the money. What’s that? Concentration camp? My, that’s the most ridiculous thing ever!” – says the Nazi as he signals to his buddies to get the hell out of there)

I tried to write this with an unbiased opinion. Turns out I really do hate rings. Other than in fried onion form of course. Even the brass rings on binders have always scared me. Those fuckers are like bear traps. I hope I didn’t sway you either way much. But the topic of rings is like politics or religion. You shouldn’t be persuaded through a single blog post. It’s something you should learn about through life experience. I also hate wrestling rings. How do you fight someone in a circle? There’s no cornering someone. A real fight always needs some cornering.

“Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble ring on it! Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble ring on it!” – Beyonce “Spud” Knowles