Holiday Battles

Memorial Day is coming up. It’s a day that way pay memorial to soldiers. Not all soldiers though. Just the American ones. And not all of the American ones. Just the ones that do what they’re told. God, Memorial Day is hard to figure out.

Speaking of God, he hates Memorial Day. Every holiday seems to be for God and then Memorial Day comes along. This makes God angry. This makes him tear open his white shirt and smash things and do other God things.

I’m finally going to figure out who has more holidays, God or American soldiers.

January:

New Year’s Day-This is a soldier holiday. God has to work on New Year’s Day. He has to create new babies and kill off drunks in car accidents. Soldiers go into Times Square and dip floozies in the middle of the street.

God: 0 Soldiers: 1

Martin Luther King’s Birthday-This is a God holiday. MLK Jr. was a very good person despite what your racist face thinks. He helped move blacks up from 3/5th’s of a person up to an entire person. That’s why they’re so tall now.

God: 1 Soldiers: 1

February:

Groundhogs Day-This is a God holiday. God created Groundhogs. Soldiers practice shooting Groundhogs at boot camp. It’s not Dead Groundhogs Day. This one goes to God.

God: 2 Soldiers: 1

Valentine’s Day-Named after St. Valentine, the ruthless Romanian warlord of love, this is a holiday particularly for soldiers. They get to see their wives one last time before finding out that she is now dating a truck driver. It’s their last day of enjoyment.

God: 2 Soldiers: 2

President’s Day-A lot of presidents are former soldiers. A lot of presidents also think that they’re a God. That makes this one a bit of a draw. However, I have a penny and it came up with the war hero Lincoln’s face on it. This one goes to soldiers.

God: 2 Soldiers: 3

March:

St. Patrick’s Day-If my history is correct in my brain, St. Patrick chased off a bunch of snakes in Ireland with a stick. God never liked snakes. Even though he let them into the Garden of Eden, he didn’t like them. In fact, wasn’t that snake the devil? Wow, God needs better security if his arch nemesis can sneak into the nicest club on earth. Still, this one goes to him.

God: 3 Soldiers: 3

April:

April Fool’s Day-Both God and soldiers are known to be practical jokesters. God uses floods, volcanoes, and Top 40 Radio to pull his pranks on humanity. Soldiers usually point and laugh at small Arab masked penises. God wins.

God: 4 Soldiers: 3

Easter-Is there any argument here? God had his son killed for a holiday. Now that’s a man that enjoys wearing a holiday sweater.

God: 5 Soldiers: 3

May:

Memorial Day-Like the above (no, not the word May, no not the score, the one about Easter) this one has a clear cut winner that needs no argument. Although, God has created everything so I guess all holidays should be his. But throwing out that argument, the soldiers pick up this lay-up.

God: 5 Soldiers: 4

June-

Flag Day-An entire day to celebrate o’le Glory. But more than that we’re celebrating soldiers…or are we? God appears in many phrases in American culture. Most notably, on the back of a dollar bill. Soldiers die for the flag and that is why they should win this one. But still, they are fighting for God & Country. The flag represents country, but God comes first. God gets the win here.

God: 6 Soldiers: 4

July:

Independence Day-I don’t want to fuck over the soldiers with another loss right here. But, God is mentioned in the Declaration of Independence. At least, I think he is. So much for separation of church and state if he is. I used to own a copy of the Declaration of Independence. I never looked at it. I hired an ex-militant to kill the person that gave it to me. Soldiers get the win.

God: 6 Soldiers: 5

August:

There are no holidays this month. Not even a stretch of a holiday. What an awful month.

September:

Labor Day-God works 6 days a week. That’s an awful lot. Single moms sometimes work that much. Single moms usually have to work Sunday too though. God always gets off. Soldiers have to work 7 days a week. The only advantage they have is that they haven’t had to work for 6,000 years (that’s right, the world is only 6,000 years old, the Bible tells me so). This is one of the few days a year where soldiers can throw down their guns and barbecue. This one is for them.

God: 6 Soldiers: 6

October:

Columbus Day-This is a day to celebrate the discovery of America by Christopher Columbus. The last time I checked (Tuesday) Christopher Columbus was not God. Was he a soldier? I don’t think so. But his brother in law was. As he stepped off the Santa Maria, he said “This is for my brother in law Rod!” Rod was a soldier. Soldiers win.

God: 6 Soldiers: 7

Halloween-A lot of religious people hate this holiday. I’m not sure why. I usually see slutty angels and demonic priests walking around this day more than I do any other day that a gay parade isn’t going on. People never really dress up as God for Halloween. How could you? He’s not that public. We’re not really sure what he looks like. He’s like J.D. Salinger. I’ve seen plenty of people dressed as soldiers for Halloween.

God: 6 Soldiers: 8

November:

Election Day-Soldiers usually vote. They use something called an absentee ballot. I know this because there was complaining about this a few years back. I had never heard of an absentee ballot before then. Hanging Chad was also a new term. God never votes. He doesn’t have to. He’s God for his sake. He can break down the voting booths if he wants to. That’s badass.

God: 7 Soldiers: 8

Thanksgiving-Soldiers always come home on this day. It’s weird because it’s a Thursday. Soldiers usually are torturing infidels this day. God has little to no involvement in Thanksgiving. At least not in my version. The Bible never mentions turkeys or squash. Soldiers talk about those things all the time. So do black guys from the 70s. They squash jive turkeys.

God: 7 Soldiers: 9

December:

Christmas-God.

God: 8 Soldiers: 9

Hanukah-I have never met a Jewish soldier. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever met a soldier. Or a Jew. Definitely never the hybrid of the two. This is another toss up. Luckily I have a dradle on hand. I spun it and it came up with famous Jewish God Abraham Lincoln’s face. God picks up this win.

God: 9 Soldiers: 9

Kwanza-I’m not going to bother with this one. It’s not a real holiday anyway.

God: 9 Soldiers: 9

Boxing Day-Canada’s finest…but I’m only doing American holidays. What about those Canadian immigrants? I’ll honor them. Canadians aren’t very religious people. They’re also not very good soldiers. They have a leaf on their flag and don’t mention God much or if at all in their national anthem. Still, it’s hard to give this one to the soldiers. I’ll determine this as who would win in a boxing match, God or the toughest soldier in the world. In a 2 second knockout, God wins.

God: 10 Soldiers: 9

New Year’s Eve-God is a good human being/creator/aluminous ball of intelligent gas, he concedes this one to the soldiers. He wants to have an equal amount of holidays for himself and for the soldiers. God is not a Communist despite his socialist view points. God has no political party. He supports our troops. You should support our troops. Tie a yellow ribbon on your car or to a tree. I think that’s what you do for soldiers. It might be what you do for missing children. But aren’t soldiers nothing more than missing children with large guns?

Dog Bets

I make a lot of bets with my dog. He currently owes me every bone in the world. I told him that he wouldn’t take a poop outside. He didn’t. Now he owes me.

This morning I got in an argument with him that I am better than him in at least 20 aspects. He argued that he was better than me in at least 20 aspects. We wrestled briefly and I bit at his nose. After we caught our breath he made me a list of things that are better about his life than mine.

-Floppier ears

-Longer nails

-Can eat food off the floor without first checking for hairs

-Can walk with palms on the ground and feet on the ground without putting my ass in the air

-Children touch my head more

-I can urinate and have a bowl movement at a person’s feet

-Whenever needing to sign a card I just need to make a paw print

-Don’t use toilet paper

-Have more foreskin

-Has eaten an uncooked dead animal

-Never has to worry about his weight

-Every kind of girl thinks that he is adorable even if he does have skin tags on his stomach and a public erection

-Has never needed to purchase a linter roller

-All of my meals made for me and served in a dish

-Gets to wear a collar outside the S&M Club

(please note he stopped to take a nap at this time)

-Takes lots of naps

-Not eligible for jury duty

-And finally, only responsibility is to sit when told to do so

As you can see, my dog only managed to come up with a list of 19! That loser. Suck it you prick. I win. Learn to count you dumb dog. I’m going to smack you the next time I see you.

Fightin’ Words

I don’t get into too many arguments. The last one I got into was with a friend of mine who says that I always argue with people. There was a lot of shouting and hitting. We don’t talk anymore. If you ask him, he’ll say we still do.

I was woken up this morning by a woman screaming about how she wanted to fight someone. I couldn’t make out the name, but her nickname seemed to be “Bitch.” This woman was very loud. She woke me up! She was a good hail mary away from me and her rapid fire Don Rickles insults hurled out so loudly that my slumber was ruined.

This argument lasted for a half hour. I stood in my underwear looking out of the blinds watching as she paced around her car, punching it every time an exclamation was proclaimed. There was a lot of banging. I hope she didn’t wake up the missing kid in the trunk. Kids are always cranky when you wake them up from their naps. They’re also cranky when you tell them they need to take a nap. Wow, kids suck.

I proceeded to walk the dog. After my dog took a number two, I scooped it up with a Target and a Walgreen’s bag. This gave me the brilliant idea of putting a pharmacy inside of a Target. Then I realized that those exist. I was quickly asked to leave the patent office and told “Don’t come back here until you have something that doesn’t already exist!” They yell that at me a lot. Who knew about stop signs were used? I always thought they were there to match traffic signals.

The woman stood near the dumpsters across the street from my apartment. I have a great view from my apartment. I see dumpsters and trees across a usually vacant parking lot. It’d be paradise if you group up in a 3rd world county. As I made my way to the dumpsters with a bag of dog feces, the woman’s daughter came out. To be honest, she had already come out earlier. I’m using artistic integrity here. At least, I think that’s what it’s called. I hope not. There’s no integrity in lying. Unless you admit that you’re lying. So maybe it is artistic integrity. Maybe I should just say poetic license and stop asking so many rhetorical questions. But is it really a rhetorical question if you do want an answer?

The woman’s daughter was quickly told to leave. Not long after, the yelling woman now surrounded by neighbors and maintenance men, hopped into her now dented vehicle and drove off. My guess she wasn’t driving off to feed the homeless or to massage orphans. She had finally found out where Bitch lived. She was going to throw down.

The moral of the story is similar to that of “The Little Engine That Could.” Perseverance is key. Never give up on your dreams. Even if those dreams involved pounding a bitch before brunch.

Cool Cars

Nobody has ever told me that I had a cool car. That’s because I never have and people know that when they lie to me I sob.

Only once has someone told me that they liked my shoes. I was barefoot and realized it was time to shave my toes.  But this isn’t about hairy feet. It’s about cool cars.

Sometimes I see cars that I think are cool. It’s hard for me though. When I’ve already been on an airplane that flies through the sky, it’s hard to be impressed by something my neighbors can operate. All I know about a car being a good car is that shiny equals good. That kind of goes for everything. Everybody likes a girl with shiny orange tangerine skin.

Whenever someone talks cars with me I tend to nod and smile a lot. My shoulders slouch now. I bring nothing to the table when it comes to a conversation about cars. I can brag that I have a cup holder that can fit two cups. These days though that isn’t impressive when most cars can fit a Slurpee machine on the door.

Someday when I’m rich, famous, and have a mansion from all of money I make from my falls I take on slippery sidewalks, I may buy a cool car. But by then I won’t be able to walk. I’ll only be able to look at it and have a rapist do the repairs. Only rapists know how cars work.

Champions

Wrestling gets a bad reputation. There are a lot of reasons why. Most of the most famous ones are drug users, it’s fake, kids watch it and get hurt imitating it, it’s fake, and people say it’s like a soap opera on steroids. Oh, also because it’s fake.

I actually like wrestling. I’m not as into it as I was a few years back, but I still follow along. Maybe because of this my opinion is bias, but if I could be any type of champion it would be a WWE Champion. Not the heavyweight title though, that would make me feel fat.

Being WWE Champion is better than any other single championship. Nobody watches boxing anymore. I watched a boxing match a few weeks ago and the boxers weren’t even watching. They keep gazing around looking for the crowd until the darker man punched the lighter man really hard. Anyone who says they’re a boxing fan and is from after the year 1992 is lying. Boxing died with disco. It’s also slightly less gay.

UFC is the new thing that everybody and their redneck mother is into these days. I watched one UFC fight ever. I remember that guy Chuck Liddell that everybody used to like lost. He was an old man at that point. It was sad to see. Even sadder was that he had a goatee. People in their 30s or 40s should not have goatees. Goatees are for the young. And goats. It was about time Liddell was put out to pasture. It’s time he grows a mustache and puts on a powdered wig.

There aren’t too many other real champions in sports that aren’t team related. I guess you can be a tennis champion. I wouldn’t want that though. I prefer sex with women, slightly.

The best thing about being WWE Champion would be the belt. That massive piece of steel (if it’s anything like their other steel products, it’s really made of construction paper) that you can where around your waist or hoist of your shoulder is beautiful. It’s options! With a UFC belt you have to use it as a belt. And you can’t use it as a weapon either. You have to use skills and practice. Bologna I say! To become WWE Champion all you have to do is be big and kiss the right asses. It’s fixed. It takes a lot less skill. You just have to be marketable. It’s the ultimate respect. You are only the top dog because we like you and who you are. Nobody likes a boxer for who they are. They cheat, spit, and cheat at spitting games. Then they spit on you. To be a WWE Champion you need respect of your bosses. That’s what I want. A big giant belt and respect.

When I think about it, I’ll just go with the belt. Mine is wearing down a bit.

 

Gazes

I’ve been thinking a lot about tits lately. I’m not sure why. I can’t seem to stop thinking about boobs, breasts, ta-ta’s, melons, suckables, bouncers, Mt. Everest x2, The Gemini Twins, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and cans.

A theory I have is that I look at a lot more ass. It’s easy to look at ass. You don’t have sad puppy dog eyes looking back at you with a ‘Stop it!’ face. When you look at a woman’s breasts she usually knows. When I find out she knows I look more closely. I’ve already been had. I want to make the most of my capture.

You can only ever look at tits for a short period of time. That’s why we love them so much. It’s rare we get to gaze eye to nipple for a long period of time before being slapped. With asses it’s different. We can watch an ass do the worm for hours or however long we walk behind her bang into a trash can and give ourselves away. Asses are still fun to look at, don’t get me wrong. I look at several a day.

No matter what a woman says, I am convinced that she doesn’t really care that she is having her cans eyeballed. It’s flattering. It’s a guy’s way of saying “You have fleshy fat on your chest that I want to see!” At least, that’s what I’m trying to say when I look at them.

Lohan Tits

I sat down last night to watch the film Machete. Now before you punch your computer screen because you hate movie reviews, stop and think for a moment. Computers are expensive. Don’t waste a good punch on one of them.

This isn’t a movie review either. This is just a few things that I noticed about the movie. If you didn’t see the movie it’s okay. You’re probably happier than I am.

First off, never make a movie based off of a 3 minute joke trailer in another movie. If you don’t know, the idea for Machete came from one of the fake previews during the Box Office Bust Grindhouse. Everyone was so hyped up from the preview that they decided to make it into an actual movie some years later. Luckily for them, the lead character Danny Trejo already looks dreadful and you could never tell if he aged or not. Good casting.

Two more things I noticed about the movie. One was that Michelle Rodriguez is losing all of her roles to Mila Kunis. They look a lot alike. Michelle Rodriguez just has a bigger mustache. I’m not sure what nationality Mila Kunis is. Both of her names are obscure. It’s probably Italian or some other kind African.

A third thing that bothered me is that you get to see Lindsay Lohan’s tits. That didn’t bother me so much as my reaction to it did. I was surprised. I’m not even sure why. If I could pick an actresses tits to be surprised about it wouldn’t be hers. She’d be near the bottom of the list. I’m not even quite sure if they were hers either. You never actually see her face and the tits. The one time she is naked and you see her face her stupid hair covers them. If this movie didn’t suck so much then this would be right up there with the Kennedy Assassination and the conspiracy that a movie about a stuttering Nazi sympathizer was the best to come out last year.

Then again, when it goes up against pieces of shit like Machete, maybe it was the best.

Auctions

I read somewhere (on an ancient cave drawing perhaps?) that they are auctioning off several of the Unabomber’s items. The money raised will go to his victims. I don’t know much about the Unabomber. Surprisingly, I’m not much of a fan. He doesn’t interest me. I will not be buying his shoes or manifesto. There are plenty of other horrible obscure memorabilia I would love to buy. Here are some:

Hitler’s mustache

Napoleon’s giant hat

Rasputin’s favorite vest

John Wayne Gacy’s red rubber nose

Elvis Pressley’s bathroom tile

Princess Diana’s GPS

Osama Bin Laden’s sandals

Jesus Christ’s sandals

George Harrison’s childhood baseball helmet

A carpet signed by every Ayatollah of the last 100 years

Jack the Ripper’s laundry machine

Watches

A young man asked me what time it was. I was cute and said “Time to get a watch!” He looked at me confused. I had to explain to him what a watch was.

“It’s a little clock that you wrap around your wrist. It tells time.”

He rolled his eyes at me and what he thought was a make believe story. He pulled out his cell phone and look at the time. A couple friends of his with skateboards took out my knees (not with their skateboards, it was just a coincidence that they were holding them, if I was these boys I would have used the skateboards, but I’m not).

From now on whenever someone asks me what time it is I’m going to respond “It’s 4:20” because it’s always 4:20 somewhere! Unless of course the minute hand isn’t on the 4. Then it’s not 4:20 anywhere.

Walk-A-Thons

Here’s a thought. Instead of spending hours walking to raise money, you don’t walk and you spend time researching to find a cure. Or better yet, if you don’t have the skills or assets to do the research, you spend time with someone that has whatever disease you’re raising money for. Unless the charity event is for helping legs that fall asleep easily, you’re wasting your time. Hug someone with cancer. Don’t walk a mile for them.