Memorial Day is coming up. It’s a day that way pay memorial to soldiers. Not all soldiers though. Just the American ones. And not all of the American ones. Just the ones that do what they’re told. God, Memorial Day is hard to figure out.
Speaking of God, he hates Memorial Day. Every holiday seems to be for God and then Memorial Day comes along. This makes God angry. This makes him tear open his white shirt and smash things and do other God things.
I’m finally going to figure out who has more holidays, God or American soldiers.
New Year’s Day-This is a soldier holiday. God has to work on New Year’s Day. He has to create new babies and kill off drunks in car accidents. Soldiers go into Times Square and dip floozies in the middle of the street.
God: 0 Soldiers: 1
Martin Luther King’s Birthday-This is a God holiday. MLK Jr. was a very good person despite what your racist face thinks. He helped move blacks up from 3/5th’s of a person up to an entire person. That’s why they’re so tall now.
God: 1 Soldiers: 1
Groundhogs Day-This is a God holiday. God created Groundhogs. Soldiers practice shooting Groundhogs at boot camp. It’s not Dead Groundhogs Day. This one goes to God.
God: 2 Soldiers: 1
Valentine’s Day-Named after St. Valentine, the ruthless Romanian warlord of love, this is a holiday particularly for soldiers. They get to see their wives one last time before finding out that she is now dating a truck driver. It’s their last day of enjoyment.
God: 2 Soldiers: 2
President’s Day-A lot of presidents are former soldiers. A lot of presidents also think that they’re a God. That makes this one a bit of a draw. However, I have a penny and it came up with the war hero Lincoln’s face on it. This one goes to soldiers.
God: 2 Soldiers: 3
St. Patrick’s Day-If my history is correct in my brain, St. Patrick chased off a bunch of snakes in Ireland with a stick. God never liked snakes. Even though he let them into the Garden of Eden, he didn’t like them. In fact, wasn’t that snake the devil? Wow, God needs better security if his arch nemesis can sneak into the nicest club on earth. Still, this one goes to him.
God: 3 Soldiers: 3
April Fool’s Day-Both God and soldiers are known to be practical jokesters. God uses floods, volcanoes, and Top 40 Radio to pull his pranks on humanity. Soldiers usually point and laugh at small Arab masked penises. God wins.
God: 4 Soldiers: 3
Easter-Is there any argument here? God had his son killed for a holiday. Now that’s a man that enjoys wearing a holiday sweater.
God: 5 Soldiers: 3
Memorial Day-Like the above (no, not the word May, no not the score, the one about Easter) this one has a clear cut winner that needs no argument. Although, God has created everything so I guess all holidays should be his. But throwing out that argument, the soldiers pick up this lay-up.
God: 5 Soldiers: 4
Flag Day-An entire day to celebrate o’le Glory. But more than that we’re celebrating soldiers…or are we? God appears in many phrases in American culture. Most notably, on the back of a dollar bill. Soldiers die for the flag and that is why they should win this one. But still, they are fighting for God & Country. The flag represents country, but God comes first. God gets the win here.
God: 6 Soldiers: 4
Independence Day-I don’t want to fuck over the soldiers with another loss right here. But, God is mentioned in the Declaration of Independence. At least, I think he is. So much for separation of church and state if he is. I used to own a copy of the Declaration of Independence. I never looked at it. I hired an ex-militant to kill the person that gave it to me. Soldiers get the win.
God: 6 Soldiers: 5
There are no holidays this month. Not even a stretch of a holiday. What an awful month.
Labor Day-God works 6 days a week. That’s an awful lot. Single moms sometimes work that much. Single moms usually have to work Sunday too though. God always gets off. Soldiers have to work 7 days a week. The only advantage they have is that they haven’t had to work for 6,000 years (that’s right, the world is only 6,000 years old, the Bible tells me so). This is one of the few days a year where soldiers can throw down their guns and barbecue. This one is for them.
God: 6 Soldiers: 6
Columbus Day-This is a day to celebrate the discovery of America by Christopher Columbus. The last time I checked (Tuesday) Christopher Columbus was not God. Was he a soldier? I don’t think so. But his brother in law was. As he stepped off the Santa Maria, he said “This is for my brother in law Rod!” Rod was a soldier. Soldiers win.
God: 6 Soldiers: 7
Halloween-A lot of religious people hate this holiday. I’m not sure why. I usually see slutty angels and demonic priests walking around this day more than I do any other day that a gay parade isn’t going on. People never really dress up as God for Halloween. How could you? He’s not that public. We’re not really sure what he looks like. He’s like J.D. Salinger. I’ve seen plenty of people dressed as soldiers for Halloween.
God: 6 Soldiers: 8
Election Day-Soldiers usually vote. They use something called an absentee ballot. I know this because there was complaining about this a few years back. I had never heard of an absentee ballot before then. Hanging Chad was also a new term. God never votes. He doesn’t have to. He’s God for his sake. He can break down the voting booths if he wants to. That’s badass.
God: 7 Soldiers: 8
Thanksgiving-Soldiers always come home on this day. It’s weird because it’s a Thursday. Soldiers usually are torturing infidels this day. God has little to no involvement in Thanksgiving. At least not in my version. The Bible never mentions turkeys or squash. Soldiers talk about those things all the time. So do black guys from the 70s. They squash jive turkeys.
God: 7 Soldiers: 9
God: 8 Soldiers: 9
Hanukah-I have never met a Jewish soldier. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever met a soldier. Or a Jew. Definitely never the hybrid of the two. This is another toss up. Luckily I have a dradle on hand. I spun it and it came up with famous Jewish God Abraham Lincoln’s face. God picks up this win.
God: 9 Soldiers: 9
Kwanza-I’m not going to bother with this one. It’s not a real holiday anyway.
God: 9 Soldiers: 9
Boxing Day-Canada’s finest…but I’m only doing American holidays. What about those Canadian immigrants? I’ll honor them. Canadians aren’t very religious people. They’re also not very good soldiers. They have a leaf on their flag and don’t mention God much or if at all in their national anthem. Still, it’s hard to give this one to the soldiers. I’ll determine this as who would win in a boxing match, God or the toughest soldier in the world. In a 2 second knockout, God wins.
God: 10 Soldiers: 9
New Year’s Eve-God is a good human being/creator/aluminous ball of intelligent gas, he concedes this one to the soldiers. He wants to have an equal amount of holidays for himself and for the soldiers. God is not a Communist despite his socialist view points. God has no political party. He supports our troops. You should support our troops. Tie a yellow ribbon on your car or to a tree. I think that’s what you do for soldiers. It might be what you do for missing children. But aren’t soldiers nothing more than missing children with large guns?