Commitments

I’m a pretty loyal person. I’ve been with the same bank since I was five and all of the congenital diseases/syndromes I was born with are still there. I’ve stayed at jobs far longer than I would have liked to because of my commitment and lack of real world skills. Road rules skills on the other hand…

On my recent trip to Asia (the continent, not the band) I decided to make a really big commitment. The overwhelming feeling of dying alone had engrossed me so greatly, I decided it was time to commit to something other than a documentary series on Netflix. I asked someone to marry me.

It may seem like a big thing to do. It’s not every day (more biweekly) someone believes it’s time to ask such a task from someone. But after more than two years in a relationship, I knew I was ready. I already felt married to her anyway even if the circumstances kept us apart by distance. Emotionally though, I’ve never felt so connected with anyone. This comes from a guy who was born with a conjoined twin too so obviously my future wife must be pretty special.

And she is.

After getting down on my knee and popping the question, she gave me a “yes” in her own words which were closer to “fuck you, of course I will.”

She claims she likes the ring too which is pretty sweet because it’s actually part of a lugnut that I found in a scrapyard.

I’m not sure when I’ll actually be a married man now, but it does feel different. The people who know me and interact on a regular basis seem to behave differently around me. There’s a larger sense of maturity I feel now mixed with only a little fear that this will all end in a court room and a sleazy lawyer sitting next to me. I’m doubtful it’ll end like that as we love each other and murder is far more likely.

So I’m engaged. To someone who understands me. Someone who knows if I could, I would grow my ass 100 times bigger then hover above earth and poop on everyone. It feels good. And I’m not yet at the point where I feel like there’s nothing left for me in life.

In case you were wondering if there were still crazy people in this world, there are. One agreed to spend her life with me.

Ridiculous Dating Requirements

The only reason you should ever not date someone is if you are not attracted to them. Attraction is incredibly complicated and I am too dumb to understand it anyway. Instead let’s focus on the ridiculous requirements some people set for who they will or will not date based on things that go beyond attraction and border shallowness.

1) Height:

Many people will set a height requirement. Girls will refuse to date a guy shorter than they are. Some of their reasoning is because they want to feel safe. You want to feel safe? Where do you live that danger is affecting your love life? How many ninjas do you have after you? I also was not aware that a 6’4 guy could stop a bullet any better than someone who was 5’7. For guys they want the opposite, a girl shorter than they are. This is also foolish because there are a ton of beautiful women that are quite tall. Plus, a tall girl can protect a guy like me from danger. I know. I’m a hypocrite.

2) Weight:

I used to say I would never date a girl who weighed more than me. This was a fair enough rule when I was over 200 pounds. Then not only did I lose weight, I also realized weight doesn’t matter when it comes to attraction. A person’s body defines way too much who they are in our society. Muscles, abs, and a tight body are great to look at. But will they nurture your needs? Will six-pack abs ever take you out for a nice dinner? No. All six-pack abs ever care about are starving themselves and popping out at nightclubs. You want a person with a six-pack? Enjoy that kale for dessert.

3) Race:

As much as I hate when people call things racist at the drop of a hat, it is racist to not even consider the possibility of dating someone of a certain race. It’s perfectly fine to have a preference. I get that. When you are unwilling to date a particular race it’s like saying they are not good enough for you. Believe it or not, this is actually a pretty common requirement people make. You should be willing to date people of any race. It may make you more cultured and it’s just the right thing to do.

4) Sports Fandom:

I have actually seen or heard people say they would not date someone who rooted for a rival team. This is one of the most ridiculous things ever. Most people root for a team because they were born in a particular place. So because your soulmate was born in Boston and roots for the Red Sox and you were born in New York and root for the Yankees you are not going to give eternal love and happiness a chance? Yeah, you deserve to die alone.

5) Location:

Long distance relationships can be tough. It also depends on how distant they are, but if you like each other I think it’s important that both parties do what they can to make it work. Technology is so amazing now that you can fall in love with someone over the Internet and have it turn out to be your younger brother upstairs in his bedroom catfishing you. Living an hour or two away from a person shouldn’t stop you from dating them if you like them. When you only date people living nearby it shows how selfish you are to your own needs and lifestyle along with how unwilling you are to explore simple things like people who live elsewhere. Meet some people who live somewhere else in a town you have never heard of. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who saw you pick your nose in high school?

6) Pasts:

There are certain things from a person’s past that you should always stay away from. If they were a third world dictator, leave them be. The majority of things though should be overlooked. Life is full of obstacles and so long as the person has overcome it then you should be proud to have a person in your life that actually can solve problems, especially their own. Plus the most flawed people are usually the most interesting.

7) Religion:

I understand that religion is deeply important to some people out there. Still, refusing to date someone because they have a different religious belief seems silly to me. I thought religion was about your personal relationship with God(s)? As long as the person you are dating doesn’t make fun of you or get in the way of your belief system I don’t see the problem. Or maybe I just don’t get it. If you don’t want to date me because I am not religious then I accept that. I like sleeping in Sundays anyway.

8) Random Physical Characteristics:

Eye color, hair color, amount of facial hair, and other little things that barely make a person who they are tend to be requirements for some people. I couldn’t tell you a favorite eye or hair color that I have for a woman. Facial hair on a woman though, I like that to be limited. Beards are incredibly trendy these days for guys. I know girls who will only date guys with beards. For those girls I hope there is a guy out there for them who enjoys dating shallow women with possible daddy issues.

9) Nice Car:

Okay, I have never actually heard anyone say this, but it has to exist. There has to be at least one girl out there or even a guy who will not date someone unless they have a nice car. We all know by now a nice car usually is because the person lacks something else in their life. The closest I have ever experienced to this was a girl telling me that she was high maintenance and likes to buy expensive clothing. To her credit she finally gave me a reason to turn off my phone.

10) Anything I Forgot:

Feel free to hate me for not making a complete list. There are so many stupid reasons why one person may not date another that I am sure you know a few more. Really the point I wanted to get across here is that you should never be strict about who you date. The perfect person for you may come in a shape, color, eye color, or even a car you weren’t suspecting them to.

(I’m also not a fan of her “got my finger shut in the door” shade of nail polish)

Cleavage Battles

I was on a train recently and I saw the most amazing thing ever, some Mexican woman’s cleavage. Now before this turns into some strange public transportation erotica story let me just say that it’s not. This is about spending time with people who you cannot communicate or share a single interest with. Let me just talk about her cleavage for a moment though.

Fantastic. The word fantastic was invented for her. She wore a black and white dress, conservative for the most part until we got to her bosom. Or is it bosoms? I don’t know if a tit is considered a bosom or if the whole package is the bosom. Anyway, the front of her dress crossed in some fancy way and there was a good space open in front of her chest large enough for me to shove my face in. I didn’t shove my face in there because I’m not one of those people and she had a boyfriend or husband with her and he was much taller than I am.

Rarely when I get on a train and I know it’s going to be crowded will I grab a seat. I know there is going to be some old person, pregnant woman, or pushy human being who deserves a painful death that I’ll end up having to give my seat up to anyway. It’s easier to just stand than to do a kind gesture for another person and not get anything back in return. I decided on this venture to stand near the door that says “Do Not Lean Against Door” rather than stand where all the buttons are. That’s the kind of person I am. I would rather accidentally lean against a door and fall out than I would accidentally bump against a button and have to stand there embarrassed as the conductor has to check to make sure there’s no emergency.

(That’s pretty much me standing there except I never dress like Hans Gruber)

The train was unusually crowded for a Saturday night. I thought people stayed at home crying Saturday nights like I usually do. Please don’t tell me I’m doing things incorrectly…

After a few stops and the first where things really packed in, the Mexican woman with the awesome cleavage stepped onto the train, heels clicking against the floor, the march of a slut sounds. With her was the earlier mentioned husband or boyfriend. He was tall, handsome, had glasses, and had the same voice as some guy I knew. I had not seen the guy in a few years and when I said hello to him he said “Oh yeah I remember you” then walked away. Fuck him.

(Both of these men look like actor Walton Goggins with a smaller forehead. If I had said with a bigger forehead that would have been frightening)

They stood near me because I guess they have farting problems and wanted my stench to cover up their gastrointestinal embarrassment. They began talking about how they were going to a show at UCB. The guy had no clue what UCB stood for and since I know more about the New York comedy scene than the average mongoloid, I chimed in that it stood for Upright Citizen’s Brigade.

The two lovers turned to me as this is the thing you do when someone you don’t know speaks. He gave me an “Oh yeah!” and we then began talking about the show they were seeing. Tits McCleavage-Bonergiver looked at me too and gave me an “I don’t know what you’re saying, but you don’t seem threatening” smile as I spoke with her man. He told me he had gotten an email from his work about the show featuring Amy Poehler, “that Michael Cera guy from Juno”, and “that blonde guy from 30 Rock.”

First of all, if you refer to Michael Cera as being the guy from Juno, you missed out on a lot of his career. He wasn’t even the star. The film had a titular character that wasn’t him and this is the only film the guy knows him from. Second of all, this guy wouldn’t shut up about 30 Rock. I have never seen an episode, but I pretended I knew who he was talking about because it’s weird to explain to a person “I don’t have cable and even when I did the idea of 30 Rock never really appealed to me much because I find Tina Fey a little overrated in many ways. I would probably give it a shot at some point, but there are so many other things I have to watch beforehand that appeal to me more.”

(Michael Cera has done so much at this point I bet he doesn’t even put Juno on his resume)

Our conversation didn’t last long and he kept saying “Should be a good show” in a “Shut up dude” way to me. So I did that. I stopped chatting with them. They continued to talk though and that’s when I learned this guy might not be so lucky. His female companion still could not grasp what improv comedy was. That’s fine. Sometimes I don’t get what improv comedy is.

Their interaction continued while I stared at some old guy in the adjacent train car picking his nose then occasionally back at the woman’s cleavage as a chaser for humanity. They talked about lots of nonsense and the most important thing of all was their conversation was not a back and forth. One would talk for five minutes and get almost no response and then the other would do the same. It wasn’t like they were loveless either. They just didn’t seem to comprehend what the other was saying.

Somehow it came up that the woman knew someone who was “really smart” and got real into UFOs. Awesome-Breasts O’Rgasmic told the most horrendous story about how they went to a bookstore looking for something. The story made absolutely no sense at all. Her hubby had so many questions and he seemed so terribly confused as did I. She laughed a lot during the story like she was already seeing Juno’s Michael Cera perform improv. When the story ended her husband looked at her and said, “Okay…”

(She could have read Great Expectations in Spanish and gotten a better response…and that book totally sucks)

At one point I thought this guy had it all. The more I was around him the more I came to realize he really did. Her cleavage was that awesome that it doesn’t matter how boring her stories were. It doesn’t matter how she didn’t seem to enjoy any of the same things as him. Perhaps worst of all, she reminded me a lot of someone I dated years ago. Both were Mexicans with beautiful pimple scars, nice bodies, and not making any sense. I could have been this guy. I could have been trapped in a world where the best thing in it is some Central American cleavage.

Imperfections

Breaking news, I am not perfect. The most recent time when I shaved my head, I missed a spot behind my ears. I had to snip it off with some scissors. This is just one of the very few things I have not done perfectly in life.

Instead of putting myself down and listing out all of my imperfections, I am going to list out other people’s imperfections, most notably, imperfections girls have that I kind of like.

Pimple Scars: I wrote a whole post on pimple scars before and how I kind of like them. I know, weird. It’s not the pimple part or anything I like. It’s the scaring. That’s not it either. That makes it sound like I would have sex with Mickey Rourke. Keep in mind pimple scars are not good on everyone. They work best on ethnic girls or Amanda Bynes. They only work well on Amanda Bynes because I think someone needs to sand paper her face a bit she’s turning into such a bitch.

(Me? Obsessed with Amanda Bynes? No! You’re obsessed with my non-existent obsession!)

Alien Shaped Heads: One time I heard one person say to another person, “You’re so pretty! That’s weird because Guatemalans are usually so ugly.” If that isn’t a backhanded insult if I ever heard one. An Alien shaped head is essentially a girl with a big forehead. One of the prettiest girls in my middle school gained weight in high school and her forehead got bigger. One kid I knew called her The Predator. Admittedly, I kind of like these alien shaped head girls. When a girl’s head is too big for her body, I have to get to know her, at the very least to insure my protection once her family invades.

(Something like this)

Big Gums: There’s something about Mary, but there is also something about girls with big gums. I saw a girl on a train recently with big gums and huge bags under her eyes. I was getting ready to cut off a testicle to prove to her I was willing to commit. When I say big gums too I mean more in a Miley Cyrus way and less of a Butthead from Beavis and Butthead way. The big gums should rarely come out. When they do though, expect to see my smile.

(The longer I stare at it the more I appreciate Equus)

Shy: Is being shy an imperfection? Probably. Obesity is a disease now so shyness has to be an imperfection. I like shy people in general. It only becomes a problem when they don’t open up when the situation is a comfortable one. I like girls who are initially shy. It shows their insecurities and I have less to be afraid of when I say to her “Don’t just stare at it, eat it” when I get her on all fours. Or all fives. An extra arm or leg is another imperfection I may not mind.

(Look at her and how shy she is. Everything is left up to the imagination. Or maybe she’s cold. Yeah. I bet it’s the cold)

At Least One Chronic Painful Body Part: I would say my chronic pain comes from my left foot, my left knee, and my left hip. I think they’re all somehow related. It’s not that I want people to suffer, although some I do, but I like the idea of a girl not being able to do something that I can for her. Like a girl with a hurt shoulder will never ask me to play tennis with her. I hate tennis. It’s badminton for pussies.

(He’s making the right face. He’s not faking. Owww!)

Ditzy/Clumsy: Whoever I end up marrying better die when she steps off a ledge accidentally because she’s that dumb and clumsy. That’s all I have for this.

(Why does a ditzy girl have to look like the hemorrhoid in a hat with Cheeze Wiz hair?)

Too Perfect of Posture: Okay, maybe I’m cheating now because I don’t really have anything left and wanted to make this a little longer. I hate girls with no shoulders. Your upper half should not look so box-like. If it does, don’t go sleeveless. Do some wall-slides, whatever those are, or shoulder dislocations, I use an old Swiffer sweeper handle to do mine. Open up those shoulders before I write “fragile” on you then put you up in the attic.

(Perhaps he’s leaning forward because he’s afraid his twin brother behind him is going to hit him with a golf club? I don’t know what this has to do with anything. I just like their barbershop quartet hats)

What are some imperfections you like about people of the opposite sex?

Missed Connections

On Craigslist there is the thing called Missed Connections. It’s basically for people to post on whenever they see an attractive person and they are too afraid to do anything about it in person so they post online with the hope that the attractive person happens to be lonely and realize the post is about them. Sometimes I’ll read through Missed Connections and realize how the adjectives women use to describe men are never things I would use to describe me. Handsome? I’m more like “attainably all right.” Muscular? I would be “retired superhero.” That is to say, I’m starting to let myself go even though I never really was chiseled. I wanted to post on Missed Connections, but why should I? There are so many for the ladies to look through. I want mine to standout. So here are my Missed Connections from 7/16/2013.

Subject: Girl on a Scooter

(You looked like this except you were a woman and not dressed like Frankie Muniz)

Hey. You were a girl on a scooter. I saw you around 25th street at around 1:45. You are some kind of Italian or maybe you were just dirty. It was hard to tell. You look mean and dirty people tend to be nasty because they need a shower. I’m not sure if you saw me. I was the guy walking toward the bank. You probably didn’t know I was walking toward the bank because the bank was still a few more blocks away. You definitely saw me the next time though when you almost ran me over. I looked at your butt and so did a guy on a blue bike. You probably didn’t see him do it unless you have eyes on your butt. I hope you do not. That is strange. If this sounds like you then please reply.

Subject: Chubby Girl (He’s out of your league)

(I’m mean so I’m going to use a picture of Karen Carpenter as the chubby girl)

This is for the chubby girl who came out of a store. I don’t know what store it was. It sold things. You came out of the store and smiled at a tall an in shape man. That man was not me. I was the sweaty guy walking behind him. I think you were wearing a dress with some sort of flower pattern on it. I wasn’t paying attention. That guy was totally out of your league though. I thought you knew each other until you walked your separate ways. I’m not out of your league. Why get rejected by him? Please email me if this sounds like you.

Subject: Ghetto Hot Girl

(I hope this block party photo can lure you here)

Why do some ghetto girls who are really hot looking insist on being so trashy? I’m talking to you girl I saw! You were walking with a Spanish guy. Your eyes are really droopy and you talk strange. From far away you looked really pretty. Up close I could see you probably have killed a person. You’re also not black or Spanish. You are a white girl. Or maybe you are an albino black girl or albino Spanish girl. We didn’t talk and it is the first thing I wanted to ask. You also have big boobies. You were walking on the same street I live on so our relationship could work. Let me know.

Subject: Skinny Girl, Nice Butt, Weird Back Lean

(This but walking)

Are you a skinny girl with a nice butt that leans back weird? I saw another guy checking you out for a long time. He was thin and wearing gym clothes. He was still too big of a coward to say anything to you. He followed you for a few blocks. I wasn’t following you. I was following him to make sure you were safe. Please let me know that you are alive and if you need to go somewhere safe my bed is available. It’s very empty 😦

Subject: Indian Girl, Shorts, Train, Fat Guy Sat Next to You

(You weren’t nearly this attractive, but there’s time)

Hello Indian Girl. I think you’re Indian. You had on a lot of makeup so for all I know you are white. I thought you looked pretty and we made eye contact a few times on a train headed to New York. There was an open seat next to you with a cup of apple juice/urine in it on the seat. I’m not sure if this was yours. Anyway, I chose to stand because I have a back cyst and it’s really painful when there’s pressure on it. A few stops later a fat guy moved the cup then wiped the seat with his hand then sat next you. You looked upset. We continued to somewhat look at each other. You followed up looking at me by blinking like you had eye problems. Maybe you did. I saw you looking at my groin though. And yes, that was a pee stain. Let’s chat.

Subject: Are you 18?

(Your breasts however were not tormented by gravity)

Ha! I’m kidding. Of course you are. I just wanted to get your attention by thinking I was some online predator. You were wearing a “Security” shirt and you didn’t look very tough. You exited a train and you were really angry that everybody would slowly. Then you got stuck behind an Indian family. That seemed bad. Things got even worse when a Chinese man carrying a large back was in front of you on the stairs. You literally threw your hands up angry. You cut in front of me and I almost fell. But I did fall, head over heels in love with you. I thought maybe you were rushing to get to my apartment to wait in my bed nude for me. To my surprise you were not there. Anyone who can help me find this angry young woman in a rush would forever be indebted.

Subject: Amanda Bynes

(Can we all leave Amanda Bynes alone? This outfit proves she’s a Patriot and animal lover. Who else can say that about what they’re wearing?)

Whenever I go to New York City I look for you. I never see you though. What gives? I think you would be easy to spot. You’re bald and crazy with cheek piercings. I invited you to my friend Alan’s birthday party a few weeks ago over Twitter and you never responded. That hurts my feelings. I agree that Drake is ugly. Okay I don’t really know who Drake is. I have a family history of mental illness. I think if we made a baby our mental problems would cancel each other out. Is this you? Please respond.

Girl Tips

This has nothing to do with paying a woman for her services. Instead I am curious if I could get some advice, most specifically from women out there on what I should do. I need some tips on how to court a girl I met.

First of all, this girl is my dream girl. She is everything I would ever want. She’s cute, she’s funny, and holds down a job that doesn’t pay too well. I don’t want to be with some doctor or lawyer. What do I have to offer them? Career women disgust me. I hate young professionals. Doctors are always pulling plugs on the elderly and lawyers are busy defending them even when they know the doctors are guilty. I’m just too nice for them. Oh and there’s that whole money thing. They’ll be making more money than I ever will. That would probably be a problem.

(I don’t want to be Stedman)

I met this girl one night at a restaurant/bar. I was with two friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. At first she didn’t seem to pay much attention to me. She was our waitress and was just doing her job interacting with us. As the night went on though we found out we had a bit too much in common. I would rather not get into what those things were for more private reasons. And when I say private, it doesn’t mean we had matching genitals.

We began talking in a little less formal way. She looked at me the way girls look at guys they adore. Her eyes told me she cared about everything I had to say. Her lips told me she would like to make contact. Her hairline told me I should probably meet her mother to make sure she wouldn’t be bald by the time she hit 40. It gave me butterflies and to the point I felt I had to take a shit.

At one point I made her laugh really hard with a gruesome joke. I can’t even remember what it was, something about someone getting hurt. She touched my arm briefly and everything paused. We locked eyes then looked away. Then we looked back again and we were look two cynics staring at a car crash, unable to look away for too long. Magic was happening.

I have never actually asked a waitress or bartender for her phone number or anything like that. It always seemed like a drunken asshole’s move. This girl though was different because I could tell the feeling was mutual.

(This is the most mutual quote in existence. Why focus on the negativity though? The quote should be something like “A hug for a huge will make the whole world smile”)

I was ready to put myself out there, risk an awkward rest of the evening if I was wrong, and ask my dream girl if she would be interested in hanging out sometime. Of course though, things didn’t go as I hoped they would have gone. She was my dream girl so I woke up as I was about to get her information. Yes, this was just a stupid dream I had. But still, that doesn’t mean I don’t need your help.

How do I get my dream girl back? I woke up just as I manned up and she was gone. In the dream I really had to pee so I took that as I had to pee in real life. I did have to pee in real life so I did, but by that time I couldn’t recapture the dream again. I’m afraid she could be gone forever. Any ideas would be very helpful. I don’t want this poor girl from my subconscious to think I ditched her for reality.

(I heard something about how Flo makes a couple million dollars a year from her Progressive commercials alone. Reality blows)

Your Stories & Questions

I am in need of some simple help. I am contributing to a new website, a website so new it doesn’t even exist quite yet. Part of the site is submission based/audience participation/whatever you want to call it. The woman in charge is putting a lot of effort into it, like actually buying the domain, so I have a lot of faith that it will at least be worthwhile in some form. So I come to you guys for help on this. What we need are submissions for the following:

Title – Dating
What We’re Looking For – Your craziest dating experience

This is pretty self-explanatory and I know we all have some great ones.

Title – Double Dare
What We’re Looking For – We want you to double dare us to do anything – something you’d like to see!

Does this one not make sense to you? This one is pretty clear as well. Why did I feel like I needed to explain?

Title – StoryTime

What We’re Looking For – We are collecting stories about a time you were overly confident about something that didn’t go exactly as planned

For instance, how we all created our blogs thinking we would be rich and famous by now and none of us are. We want better than that though.

Title – Love & Sex

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – ask us ANYTHING – but ONLY if you are ready for brutally honest answers

This is kind of like the Dr. Ruth section. Remember when I did that post Pathetic Text Messages? Something like the question the fat idiot in that asked would be acceptable or maybe you can be smarter.

Title – Eavesdropping

What We’re Looking For – We want to hear about crazy or fascinating things you’ve overheard on the streets, in a restaurant, etc.

This is pretty easy, no? Who isn’t hearing people say stupid shit all the time? Come on I know you have some good ones!

Title – Deep Thoughts

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – blow our minds… in a few sentences or less.

I guess an amazing fact would work here? I’m not sure. Answering this question would blow my mind.

So if you can help out you can either answer in the comments or send me an email if it’s long or more private at timboyle109@yahoo.com or Facebook me if we gossip there sometimes.

There are no limits to what you answer, how much you answer, and you can put as many into one category as you want. If the site is successful I will definitely come up with some ideas where if you are interested that you can contribute your own written pieces to.

That’s all. Thanks and hopefully a few people can contribute before I have to solicit you.

Catchy Titles

Following my self-diagnosis of the flu, I have caught a much worse bug, the post-flu depression. I had been feeling severely depressed the last week or so and after carefully researching everything I could (typing something into Google once) I discovered that suffering from depression following  a bout with the flu is common. Not that I’m normally a Happy-Go-Lucky kind of person, but this was far different. Not only do I feel the blue, I also have no desire to do anything at all. Think about the last day you were lazy. I feel like this all the time now which is weird because normally I’m highly motivated. This sickness feels like it has totally kicked my ass and changed who I am. I don’t like it and I need to get out of this funk before I do something stupid like express my emotions.

(Yeah you read that poetry and squeeze that invisible boob you nancy boy)

One thing that has always been a cure for me whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps is victory. Even a small victory like having someone confess their love for me or looking at the clock at 9pm and realizing I haven’t eaten much at all and have an excuse to stuff my face are fine example of the victories I look forward to every day. Sometimes though these victories are few and far between. So, in an attempt to get an even bigger victory which will surely make me happy for a more extended period of time I will need your help.

I am going to attempt to take something I wrote last summer to a real publisher. Self-publishing is all fine and dandy, but the keyword is “self” as in you have to do all the work. It’s great to have things out there and I plan to continue to do so only it’s not enough for me. It’s a small victory and the chances of me being able to go further with it are far more limited than if I had actual representation. I could probably make more money selling three books published by a real company than I have in self-publishing total. There are other things I could make more money at which I will not name because I really would like to go at least one post on this blog without using the phrase “sucking a dick.” I have to be professional now.

(I have to be more like these professional people. Except not like the redhead in the back. She looks too stiff. I thought those people were supposed to be fiery. Or am I thinking of their crotches?)

In short, what I need help with is coming up with the title for this completed manuscript. I have other things I’ve written, I’m working on, and whatever the other options are, but this one is as finished as it will ever be which is why I am choosing this one. It’s about every bad date, every horrible girlfriend I’ve had, and every time my heart was broken by a girl who didn’t think as highly of me as I did her. Okay, so it’s not every time just 95% of them which is plenty. I didn’t mention two people I dated because I genuinely care(d) for them but everyone else is fair game. The book involves everything from girls with lazy eyes not wanting to dance with me, the first date I ever went on which happened to be with a gang member, and in general how I managed to turn the entire female population against me. This is not one of those stories about conquests over women. It’s not about getting laid, being happy, or success in any way. It’s the anti-Tucker Max story. This is just about how incredibly fucking cruel life can be.

Now that you know what it’s about I need your help coming up with a title. I honestly have very few ideas on what to call it. Each chapter ends with me recounting what I learned from the girl and they’re always positive messages. Like for instance in one chapter I learn women are cruel and will take advantage of a sweet boy. In another chapter I learn I’m not as good-looking to a sober girl as I am when she’s drunk. It’s pretty fantastic and what I need from you is a title.

What should I call this bad boy so I can get started on getting rejected more frequently?

Rejections

Recently I fell in love. The most romantic thing of all was it happened this past Valentine’s Day. I was instantly head over heels. From the moment I woke up until the second I fell asleep at night I had could only think about my love. I made sure to devote a lot of time to making things work. I would have given up anything to hear “yes” and instead I was rejected.

(This is how I felt. Of course in real life I’m less jive)

For future reference, if I ever refer to loving something and I don’t clearly state that it was a human being then it probably wasn’t. I didn’t really fall in love with anyone or anything as much as I got incredibly interested in submitting comedic pieces to the website College Humor. It’s true though that I put a lot of time and will continue to attempt writing for them. As part of my creative endeavors to diversify myself I am attempting to submit as much to them as possible until they get so annoyed with me they give me a job. This strategy works on women in movies so it must work on websites in real life because aren’t women really just a humor website when you really think about it?

From now on whenever I have something rejected from the site I will post it on this blog. Whenever I have something make it onto the site I will only post a link because it’s a big deal how many hits you get on your articles. So here’s the first thing I wrote for them that received a big fat rejection sticker. I think I have two that are going on the site because they disappeared from my submissions and I never got an email saying yes or no. Fingers crossed…

Quentin Tarantino is Trying to Turn Me Gay

Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino has a unique creative voice. His films tend to be ultraviolent and filled with a colorful cast of characters. Some Tarantino haters claim his films encourage violence. His movies have never made me want to kill anyone. However, they’re starting to turn me gay. The female characters in his films are so insanely more masculine than I could ever be no matter how much protein powder I consume. I’m starting to think I should just move to Vermont and find a twink to marry because I will never end up with a woman like the ones Tarantino showcases in his movies.

Beatrix Kiddo “The Bride” from Kill Bill:

(I always thought her name was Beatrice. Is Beatrix a real name? I never trust people with an X in their name)

Played by Uma Thuman, The Bride is everything I’m afraid of in a woman. She does not give up. She just keeps coming after you. Poor Bill made one mistake, trying to kill her on her wedding day, and she will not let it go. She knows Kung Fu, how to use a sword, and travels around the world without getting lost like most women would. I could never date a woman like The Bride. I want to cut off my own penis just thinking about it.

Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction:

(Confidence in a woman is sexy. Confidence in a woman also makes me shit my pants)

Again played by Uma Thuman, Mia Wallace is the wife of gangster Marcellus Wallace, a man I have no interest in ever pissing off. John Travolta’s character Vincent Vega feels the same way I would when he’s asked to take her out on a date. His only task is to laugh at her fucking jokes and pretend what she has to say is interesting. Still, her beauty and unique perspective on life is a Venus flytrap begging men to enter. Mia is entirely too careless with her drug usage too which would be annoying. One date with Vincent and she nearly overdoses. To me Marcellus Wallace does in fact look like a bitch because he puts up with Mia’s nonsense.

All of the women in Death Proof:

(Math pattern question, what color will the next woman’s skin be and what color shirt will she be wearing?)

The female characters in Tarantino’s grindhouse film Death Proof fall into two main categories. These women are either incredibly dumb and will do whatever a man fools them into doing or they won’t shut the fuck up. The ones who don’t shut the fuck up end up surviving which sends a bad message. The options are pretty limited in this film as far as teaching women how to behave goes. Then again, if you watch a Tarantino film on how you should behave then you’re doing a lot of things wrong in your life.

The fact no women appear in Reservoir Dogs:

(I think at this point in his career Tarantino was still too awkward to talk to girls)

Reservoir Dogs is a great film. When considering it’s an all-male cast I begin to wonder if we even need women. I know they’re important for procreation and pie baking so we cannot completely kill them off. The only key female in the entire film is the pregnant woman in the car who shoots Mr. Orange. If this tells me anything it’s that all women are already knocked up and they’re carrying guns. This is not the kind of girl I want or need in my life.

Samuel L. Jackson in everything he does:

(Look at that soft smile. It’s like he’s telling me not to worry, everything is going to be alright)

Tarantino has convinced me that sex with Samuel L. Jackson would be the best sex of my life. He’s a little wild, he always plays it cool, and his voice alone could probably make me climax. I’m not sure how down Mr. L. Jackson would be to ever sleep with me, but is there any harm in asking? The worst thing he could ever say is “No motherfucker! I ain’t no queer!” and that alone will be enough to satisfy my libido.

Relationship Troubles

There is one quick question you can ask anybody to find out why none of the relationships in their past have worked out. Say to them “What is the most important thing you want in a relationship?” Whatever they respond with is whatever they never got from a relationship. Although knowing this is important, I feel like I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t let you know what the common answers to this question are. Maybe after reading this you can help to improve a relationship in your life. I really don’t care if you do. You’re pretty unlovable anyway.

Response 1: Someone to be there for me when things get tough

Fair enough. Who doesn’t want people to be there for them when times are tough? That’s when we need people most. What this tells me about someone is that they had a boyfriend who would rather play video games than visit them in the hospital. Fair enough for him. Have you seen video game graphics these days? They’re so realistic it’s almost like connecting with another human being in need. You should be there with people you care about through everything, tough or not. People who don’t do this are the same people who bandwagon onto sports teams only when they do well. In other words, they’re scumbags.

(A shot from Sammy Sosa High Heat Baseball from 2001. Their slogan was “it’s so real!” Not even close)

Response 2: Someone who lets me be me

Fair enough. Who doesn’t want to be with someone who lets them be who they are? Nobody likes to be told they should behave a certain way. I know I don’t. Teachers in my school used to tell me to stop swearing and put away my genitals. That’s me. Why can’t you accept that? People who give this response were probably in a relationship where the other person made they do a lot of things they didn’t like doing. I’m not even talking about sexual stuff either. I think with sexual stuff if they’re not willing to at least try something you’re not a match anyway. Is there really anything that weird about letting the dog watch? You should always be free to be who you are. If someone doesn’t let you then kick them to the curb or make them bite it then stomp on their head.

(One man letting another man know he shouldn’t have to be anything else but who he is. If it wasn’t for the Swastika tattoo this would be more triumphant)

Response 3: Someone who is honest

Fair enough. Who wants to surround themselves with liars? Most of us won’t admit we hate the truth though. I know sometimes I like to hear a lie. I like to be told I’m the best. I know I’m not the best. Not until Dolph Lundgren passes away can I ever be the best at anything. People who say they want honesty in a relationship usually come from a relationship with a lot of lies. Can you really blame someone for lying in a relationship though? People screw up a lot and the only way to cover up these mistakes is to lie. But hey, you’re welcome to live a lie and have it eat away at you forever.

(The one man stopping me from greatness. Seriously, he’s like my exact double)

Response 4: Someone who will go the extra mile

Fair enough. Who wouldn’t like someone willing to do more than it takes for the other person? This response comes from people who escaped a relationship where the other person had a “I’ll see you when it’s convenient for me” attitude. I don’t like this attitude for anything. When it’s convenient for you? Honestly the convenient time for me to be nice to anyone is never yet I still do it because that’s what we’re supposed to do as humans. An extra mile doesn’t sound like much but it can be a lot. This one is pretty easy to do and isn’t asking for much at all. If you care about someone enough that mile will only seem like a couple inches. I don’t know what the metric equivalent is so sorry for excluding about 90% of the world from that last sentence.

(Do they really expect me to read a picture? I’m not reading a picture)

Response 5: Someone with a sense of humor

Really? That’s all you want? Someone with a sense of humor? No really, you’re humoring me right now. As important as a sense of humor is in my life I would NEVER only associate with someone based on what they find funny. When people say they want a person with a sense of humor what they really mean is they want a person with a lot of other qualities and likes the same sitcoms they do. We all want someone we can laugh at other people with. Unfortunately though most people have a terrible sense of humor. I think I’ve laughed once this calendar year and it was at my own misfortunes.

(No “guy with a sense of humor” on the list. Girls would rather find a guy with a gun, a six-pack, and a big head. Girls really just want Barry Bonds)

How would you answer the question “What is the most important thing you want in a relationship?” I can almost guarantee it’s something you have trouble finding from people in general let alone a relationship. I would say the most important thing to me in a relationship is…hmm I’ll leave this a mystery.