I don’t have pimple scars. Not a single one. Check my body. I’ll get completely naked and you can look. I’m willing to take the test under any circumstances. That’s more than a single psychic will promise. If you find a single pimple scar on my body than every psychic in the world was right about you having a guardian angel and that you’ll grow up to marry a guy named Ted who sells maps.
Someone reading this has pimple scars. Maybe one, two, or three-thousand. That’s usually how they come. For that person, the one who has been called pizza face, tartar sauce nose, and freak, this post is for you. I might be going out on a limb here and you may not fully understand it, but pimple scars can be sexy.
My memory isn’t too straight and the rest of this paragraph will have a lot of “maybes” and “that probably isn’t how it happeneds”. I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned it here on my blog or in my 94 page life story that I wrote up in the late summer of 2010. But my first crush was a girl with pimple scars. I know that’s not true, but that’s how I remember her looking. We were in kindergarten, meaning she couldn’t possibly have that awful of skin. It was a New Jersey elementary school so I guess anything is possible. I did once see a kid at a urinal with a foot for a hand.
I’ve only ever kissed one girl with a face full of pimple scars. It was on the cheek and was like kissing the moon. Frank Sinatra started playing in my head. It was magical to lay my lips on those bumps. Despite having a face filled with pimple scars, I found her very attractive. I mean sweepingly sexy. I would have kissed each of those face craters if it meant I could see her again. Actually no. She didn’t speak good English. But still, she was hot and had a lot of pimple scars. Maybe she was an exception, but I continue to be obsessed with pimple scar girls.
Not everyone with pimple scars is hot. They can’t be those blistering red ones. Ugh. Those are terrible. I don’t need your face matching the pizza sauce I give you for lunch. Perfect pimple scars belong on more ethnic people. Brown skin being the ideal. Some Italian girls can get away with it, some black ones too. White people cannot. Pimples on white girls usually flame up. They look like mosquito bites more than anything. It’s like a face full of nipples. I love nipples just as much as the next guy, but there’s a limit to how many should be on a girl. I think I’d draw the line at 3. I only have one mouth and two hands. Maybe if two were really close I could handle another.
The best place for pimple scars to look good is the side of the face. A little out-of-the-way. Somewhere that if I did grow to become embarrassed of your face that I could force you to lengthen your hair or put on a flimsy wig to cover it up. The side of the cheek. Maybe right over the carotid artery. I hope I spelt that correctly. It’s that place on your neck that vampires bite and killer ninjas stab. In National Lampoon’s European Vacation, the man on the bike shoots blood out of that spot. Okay, if you don’t know what I mean now you never will.
We can’t all have beautiful skin like ROBPIXADAY!!! It’s tough growing up thinking you’re different and have some kind of a flaw that cannot be cured. But if I have taught you anything today, it’s that there is someone out there who likes everything. Other people have told me that they like or don’t mind pimple scars. That shows a lot of hope out there for you hair lipped clods and Cyclops. Don’t put yourself down for something as silly as a pimple scar. Worst case scenario, tell them you were mangled in a car accident or fought in Desert Storm. That reminds me, I want to open up a bakery and called it Dessert Storm. Cupcakes with pictures of George Bush and Saddam Hussein on them. There’s a name you never hear anymore. Whatever happened to that guy?