Team Names

Posted: April 29, 2011 in April 2011

There always seems to be controversy over the nickname a sports team has. Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves, Washington Redskins; these all have one thing in common. They’re named after a group of people that the white man so graciously wiped out with muskets and sneezes.

Being 1/16th Cherokee myself, I am not offended by any of those names. I think there are much more offensive names in sports. Any team named “Tornadoes” or “Hurricanes” is offensive to me. People are killed constantly by these two natural disasters yet we name our teams after them. There are even more disastrous ones that go unnoticed at first glance. The Philadelphia Phillies are named after a female horse. Do you know how many people are kicked to death while fucking a female horse every year? Some.

The Yankees are named after a group of rebellious militia, the Sabres are named after a decapitating weapon, and the Heat are named after the number cause of death/complaint in the senior community.

I have decided that if all of those team names are acceptable then so are the following:

Harrisburg Heart Attacks

Sport: Basketball

Logo: A stiff left arm

History: After another failed title run, the New York Knicks are moved to a more obscure city and named after what they’ve been giving their fans for years.

Los Angeles HIV

Sport: Football

Logo: A blood test paper with a “plus” sign on it

History: L.A. finally gets a football team. A man named F.U. Sinclair who is a big fan of initialisms starts an expansion team known as L.A. H.I.V. They forfeit the season after 4 games.

Baltimore Breadlines

Sport: Baseball

Logo: A piece of bread in flames coming out of its ears

History: To get everyone more comfortable with the poverty of the city, team owners get rid of the pleasant Oriole and replace it with something they see a lot more, bread lines. Opening day breaks new attendance records thanks to the special give away for fans 14 and under, bread!

Mobile Crowes

Sport: Basketball

Logo: A white shop owner standing across from a black man pointing to the exit

History: The south has risen again and they are tired of blacks taking over basketball. Named after the Jim Crowe laws, they create a new team in Mobile, Alabama and make sure that only white players are allowed. It takes them 4 years to win a game.

Quebec Cancer

Sport: Hockey

Logo: A cancer cell with a cartoon face hitting a white blood cell with a hockey stick.

History: Quebec has seceded from Canada successfully and make sure to represent themselves in the NHL. They fair much better than most expect, even if the 20 men on the roster have 10 testicles between them.

New York 9/11s

Sport: Baseball

Logo: An angry plane wielding a baseball bat smashing it into a building

History: Capitalizing on the tragedy and knowing their the name “Mets” is too offensive to the human ear already, New York’s second class baseball team change their names to something more modern.

Jacksonville Holocausts

Sport: Football

Logo: None, their uniforms are striped with their numbers tattooed on their sleeves

History: Every Holocaust survivor has now died. Every Jaguar on the planet has go rabid and kills without mercy. The commissioner of football only sees it fitting that the team come up with a much less offensive name that does not bring grief. He’s also a Porsche man.

  1. “Being 1/16th Cherokee myself…” –Yeah?

    “Do you know how many people are kicked to death while fucking a female horse every year?” –hmm. I’m going to google that.

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