Posted: November 22, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I misunderstand what people say. It makes me come off like the idiot that I really am and not the brilliant specimen I have continued to fool people into thinking that I have the potential to be. Here are some of the ones that I remember and THE EMBARRASSMENT!!! they have caused me.

Setting: Target Department Store

I’m at the check out counter after buying my groceries. Yes, I buy my groceries from Target. I’m one of those greasy people. You might be laughing now, but I’m saving 30 cents on everything I buy. Suck it!

The check out counter girl was scanning my items as they are forced to do. She looked at me and said “What are you making?” A very obvious question. I’m buying lots of food. She thinks I’m making a concoction.

“What? Like $12 an hour.” I respond. Oof! What the fuck? Huh? I need my head checked. Why would she possibly care how much money I make? My thought process was that she thought I was buying so much stuff that I must be loaded. Yeah, people think that way. Dumb fuck me.

She explained herself and the next 2 minutes were awkward. For her that is. The rest of my life has been awkward.

Setting: Bus Stop

I’m waiting for the bus. There are a bunch of kids smaller and younger than me who scare me despite the age and size advantage I have. Today is no different. I’m sweating out of fear and fatness.

For this story, you need to know that my name is Tim. That’s all you need to know. Continuing–

One of these younger, smaller, scarier kids is goofing off. He’s never talked to me. He looks down at my boots and says “Are those Tims?”

“Yeah they’re mine.” I say. Oh fuck! This isn’t good. I completely missed what he was asking. He was asking if my shoes were Timberlands. The cool kids call them Tims for short. I thought he was asking if they belonged to–shit I’m dumb.

Setting: The Internet

I’m chatting up a storm with some girl I met in a chat room. The year is, 2001-2005. I’m fresh off of the September 11th attacks so my innocence should be long gone. It isn’t. I’m still a dumb fuck with no knowledge of the world.

This girl I’m talking to is hot. At least, her screen name is ModelMaterialMe87. Shit. She’s model material. Keep cool. I know she lives 2,000 miles south, but we can make this work.

She tells me that I’m making her horny. Really? I just put up an away message that says “brb”. You’re easy. She’s getting more and more aroused and then she wants to know more about me. “Are you cut?” she asks.

“No. I’m not that depressed.” Oh crap! I picked the wrong one! She was asking if I still had my foreskin or not. How should I have known? I don’t know what foreskin is. I’m a young teenage American. We don’t know that shit!

She explained what she meant and I understood. The biggest problem about it was that I had a few other potential answers that I was going to give her.

“No. My hair is pretty long right now.”

“No. I’m not that thin.”

“No. I can’t mow the lawn because I get really bad allergy attacks when I’m around freshly cut grass.”

  1. Lily says:

    Ugh I hate those cringe-y moments. But at least yours happen with people you don’t actually know so you can shrug it off. Target is such a quality place to get groceries. Everything looks more delicious there, I don’t know why.

    • mooselicker says:

      The people at Target look the most delicious of all. Maybe it’s because the one I go to is across the street from a 24 hour gym. The first time I went in there it was filled with babes. Babes crazy about lower prices than their local grocer.

    • Yo Lily. I commented on your blog but I think they are stuck in the spam box…

      Could you rescue them for me please?

      • Becoming Bitter says:

        I wonder why your comments always go in the spam box. They should just change the name spam to your name! Haha… sorry I was being mean wasn’t I? Meh I gave you an award so you really can’t complain deer Kinky.

  2. For some reason I thought Target was a place that sold electrical goods. Now THAT would have been awkward if I went in asking if the Xbox 360s were anywhere near the carrots.

  3. sami116 says:

    This seems to always happen to me, and I mean always!!

    Also The Embarrassment got featured here :O I am so going to party tonight 😀

    • Pete Howorth says:

      Watch you don’t catch AIDs again Sami, your teachers will hate you.

      “She tells me that I’m making her horny. Really? I just put up an away message that says “brb”. You’re easy.”

      The best line I’ve read all day. I figuratively LOL’d my pants off.

      • mooselicker says:

        Thanks Pete. Glad I could make you chuckle.

        I really do miss that girl. I need to start going on AIM again. Even if it’s really a guy pretending to be a girl he was fun.

    • mooselicker says:

      Let me know if it gets you a subscriber. If so, you owe me your soul.

  4. Lisa says:

    You’re not alone. I have a lifetime of misinterpretations and idiotic moments that could fill a book. I personally don’t want to be around anyone who is too smooth and clever. I much prefer to have a good laugh with confused and challenged morons like myself.

    • mooselicker says:

      Ignorance is bliss right? Well, I guess we’re not ignorant if we know how aloof we are. We’re just self-aware and strange. I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit.

  5. Becoming Bitter says:

    People always misunderstand me too Moose.

    Like when I say “Fuck off Asshole” – the asshole thinks I’m giving him permission to mess with me. So, then I pull out my AK47 and suddenly he’ll decide that he has better things to do. Same thing happens with the bitches I’ve met too.

  6. renxkyoko says:

    ” Target is for people with teeth”

    LOL I go to WalMart and I have perfect set of teeth ! Pearly whites ! LOL That is sooo funny. I’ll tell that to Mom and sis. But it’s true though… no offence to WalMart shoppers… majority of them are simply for the savings… but, man, the shoppers ! !

    • mooselicker says:

      I go to WalMart too sometimes. Just as much as Target probably in fact. The one near me is really swell, but it’s too much to put up with all of the fat people walking, fat people in large cars, and fat people rudely scanning my items. It’s a fat people bonanza. I liked it when fat people were more mystical and it was exciting to spot one.

      • Becoming Bitter says:

        What fat people can’t fit into Target or something? I’m sure fat people like going to Target too Moose. You describe people suffering from obesity like they’re animals or something… I like it.

      • mooselicker says:

        I guess you can say they’re a “target” of ridicule for me. They’re the size of a large “wal” so don’t try to “mart”yre them please.

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