Sometimes I never know when to stop. Back in high school I was making out with this girl and she kept telling me to stop. The more she yelled for me to stop the more I kept going. Things got a little out of hand. I couldn’t believe what I had done until the peyote left my system and there was no girl; I had imagined the whole thing. I didn’t know when to say when with peyote. You always need to know your limit with everything in life. If you don’t you may end up raping a made-up person. When it comes to telling stories, I never know my limit. So instead of dragging everything out like I probably could, I will do my best to quickly tell you everything I learned during my recent vacation to Los Angeles. The quickest way to do it and most likely way to get people to read it, bullet points!

-Never buy a sandwich at the LAX airport. They cost $11 and are worth about $10 less. Despite everyone else in line being shocked at the price it would still be a faux pas to put the sandwich back on the rack then do a walk of shame to your seat empty handed.

-If you walk on glass on Venice Beach you can get away with being racist. You can also get away with putting on a terrible show that takes 10 minutes before a disappointing finale involving a Jamaican man jumping off a chair onto the glass. I missed a guy playing the piano with his penis for that dumb glass walker.

-Traffic isn’t as bad as everyone says it is, but this might be because I live in the most densely populated state in the country. Right now a baby is sitting on my shoulder like a parrot since things are so crowded.

-When you see someone beautiful, they most likely live in Los Angeles. When you see someone hunchbacked with a hair-lip and are not Mexican, they are visiting.

-Compton looks a thousand times nicer than the town I live in now. I’m not saying I’d ever go there again. All I am saying is I can’t for the life of me understand why in such a beautiful place you can’t at least get out of your car to shoot someone.

-You have to pay to park everywhere full of white people. However you do not have to pay to park after 8pm on the street right across from the Chinese Theater. So generous of those gentle giants to the Far East.

-People there react to rain the same way people in the south react to snow, they go completely insane and cut the fattest person they can find open and use him for cover.

-Everyone seems very helpful. I know the reputation for LA is that everyone is “fake” but I’ll take fake people every time if it means always getting proper directions.

-Doing a Hollywood bus tour is a waste of time and money. My sister and I managed to see everything for much cheaper on our own. The best part was we didn’t have to sit on a dumb tram while pedestrians laugh at what dorks we are for needing a celebrity fix.

-Wealthy people can somehow manage to live on tall winding mountains. I could never do that. The dope I saw standing in a trash can begging for money has a better home as far as I’m concerned.

-The Jurassic Park ride stinks. It’s so unexciting that the guy sitting next to me held a can of Monster the entire ride and didn’t spill it. If the ride was any good I would be complaining how inconsiderate people are.

-Paramount Studios is really pushing the TV show Happy Endings. Also, nobody on the studio tour has ever seen a single episode of Happy Endings.

-I can go to maybe five different comedy clubs in New York any Saturday night and know some major headliner on the show. I can go to maybe five different comedy clubs in Los Angeles any Saturday night and only know the Asian guy from MadTV.

-I could throw a football the length of the Santa Monica Pier. I could probably piss from one end to the other too.

-As long as it’s not rush hour, you can get anywhere in the city within a half hour or so. When it is rush hour, you can get anywhere in the city within a half mile in a half hour.

-Indian people love hoarding hotel bananas.

And there you go. Everything I learned on my trip with the subtlety of naming just about everything I did. If anyone asks, I peed next to Joseph Gordon-Levitt and saw his dick shadow.

I think my favorite part of the entire trip was walking through the set of Community. My second favorite part was when the airport security man asked me to empty my pockets when they were already empty. He literally thought the bulge in my pants was a large role of quarters. I have never been more flattered.

  1. Loved this. Glad you had a good (I think) trip.

  2. I actually hate LA. It’s all a big facade, a vapid wasteland. It feels about as real as a billboard. There’s no real culture there to speak of. I actually get a bad vibe every time I get off the airplane until I finally end up depressed. The only thing I like about LA is the weather. That’s it. I also think the East coast beaches are WAY better. Just sayin’.

    Glad you enjoyed yourself. Sometimes just getting away is the best part.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Haha everyone seems to hate it the more they’re there. I’ve only ever been to the Jersey Shores so I can’t really judge the differences of beaches. You’re totally right about not having a culture and it being a billboard. Everything felt like a movie set.

  3. Luddy's Lens says:

    For all these reasons, I am proud to have been born an Angeleno. If everyone else hates it so much, maybe they oughta stop going there; it’s the outsiders who ruin it. Trust me.

    (I think Carlos Castaneda had those exact same problems with peyote. Although, he may not have actually existed either…)

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m from a town where everyone pretends to care about your business but they don’t really. At least in LA it seems like it’s pretty clear people don’t care about anything but themselves although everyone was very cordial and polite. Maybe NJ is just as awful as everyone thinks it is?

  4. Joseph Gordon Levitt was the only celebrity you saw? I was in LA in August, and didn’t see a single celebrity. Then again, I’m told I sat on a barstool next to Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and I didn’t realize it… Apparently he’s a semi-regular at a bar I went to a couple of times with a friend.

    Even though I’m usually blissfully oblivious to just about everything, I did notice that everyone who lives in LA is skinny and beautiful. Never mind screenwriting; become a plastic surgeon! That’s where the real money is.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I didn’t actually see him but if anyone asks I did. The only real celebrity I saw was the monkey from the Hangover movies. Although, Katie Couric was eating lunch near me apparently.

      Did you always think Phillip Seymour Hoffman was just some drunken troll?

      • Actually, I don’t think he’s a drunken troll. That said, he bought my friend numerous drinks, which would be boring, but friend is obviously male… Whatevs. If he’ll let me, I’ll paint his whole house pink for him. Phil, not friend. Friend is straight.

      • Mooselicker says:

        How long ago was this? Maybe he was getting in character for Boogie Nights?

      • Nope. It was last March. He does have a girlfriend and a kid though. Well, supposedly. It could just be someone he pays to walk next to him and a really realistic baby doll.

  5. Great. Just great. You made it sound fun, and now everybody is going to come out here. That is just we we need. More people.

  6. rebecca2000 says:

    Sounds like you had some great life lessons. 🙂

  7. The Waiting says:

    That’s really funny about Compton! Every time I’m in California, I have “California Love” by Tupac and Dr. Dre in my head the entire time. It gets a little old after awhile. Glad you had a good trip.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Emily! California must have more songs about it than any place else, actually a few good ones too. New York is probably second and all their stuff involves the keyboard it seems.

  8. Cafe says:

    Haha! Love that last line. Glad you had an eventful trip, Tim! 🙂

  9. Seb says:

    It’s a different city at night, though. I used to be repulsed by it it I have to admit to an increasingly morbid fascination now days. I will endorse you comments about Compton. too. First time I went through I thought to myself, “this isn’t so bad – hell I’ve seen the ghettos in Baltimore and this is genteel next to that” but I wasn’t in any hurry to get out of my car.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I really only went out anywhere that cool people might hangout one night while there. I’m not really a “club scene douche” so there wasn’t much reason to. Baltimore is much worse than Compton. I saw a bread line there.

  10. Sounds like an interesting trip… You’re never too old to learn, right? 😉

  11. Pete Howorth says:

    I’d love to go to Hollywood one day, America is a massive must do on my places to visit, I went to Florida about 12 years ago, I was too young to appreciate it; all I did was moan it was too hot and moan because of all the walking I had to do.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Florida sucks. It’s humid and all it does is rain. Too many Cubans too. They’re the scary Spanish as far as I’m concerned.

      When I’m out in Hollywood feel free to stop in any time. We can throw things at successful people.

  12. Great that you had a good time! Well, it seems that you did anyway – that’s all that really matters, isn’t it? If I were in your place though, seeing JG-L (assuming you really did) would be the greatest thing that mattered (eeeeeeeeee 😉 ). That guy could seriously make me giddy even though he seems to have a poker face every time he tries to act.

  13. Addie says:

    Never been, and, now, I will make sure I never go unless forced to do so.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Did I make it sound that bad? It’s better than my neighborhood now where the highlight is when the Dude’s Dogs hot dog truck drives by at 10pm with its eerie music.

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