Sometimes I never know when to stop. Back in high school I was making out with this girl and she kept telling me to stop. The more she yelled for me to stop the more I kept going. Things got a little out of hand. I couldn’t believe what I had done until the peyote left my system and there was no girl; I had imagined the whole thing. I didn’t know when to say when with peyote. You always need to know your limit with everything in life. If you don’t you may end up raping a made-up person. When it comes to telling stories, I never know my limit. So instead of dragging everything out like I probably could, I will do my best to quickly tell you everything I learned during my recent vacation to Los Angeles. The quickest way to do it and most likely way to get people to read it, bullet points!
-Never buy a sandwich at the LAX airport. They cost $11 and are worth about $10 less. Despite everyone else in line being shocked at the price it would still be a faux pas to put the sandwich back on the rack then do a walk of shame to your seat empty handed.
-If you walk on glass on Venice Beach you can get away with being racist. You can also get away with putting on a terrible show that takes 10 minutes before a disappointing finale involving a Jamaican man jumping off a chair onto the glass. I missed a guy playing the piano with his penis for that dumb glass walker.
-Traffic isn’t as bad as everyone says it is, but this might be because I live in the most densely populated state in the country. Right now a baby is sitting on my shoulder like a parrot since things are so crowded.
-When you see someone beautiful, they most likely live in Los Angeles. When you see someone hunchbacked with a hair-lip and are not Mexican, they are visiting.
-Compton looks a thousand times nicer than the town I live in now. I’m not saying I’d ever go there again. All I am saying is I can’t for the life of me understand why in such a beautiful place you can’t at least get out of your car to shoot someone.
-You have to pay to park everywhere full of white people. However you do not have to pay to park after 8pm on the street right across from the Chinese Theater. So generous of those gentle giants to the Far East.
-People there react to rain the same way people in the south react to snow, they go completely insane and cut the fattest person they can find open and use him for cover.
-Everyone seems very helpful. I know the reputation for LA is that everyone is “fake” but I’ll take fake people every time if it means always getting proper directions.
-Doing a Hollywood bus tour is a waste of time and money. My sister and I managed to see everything for much cheaper on our own. The best part was we didn’t have to sit on a dumb tram while pedestrians laugh at what dorks we are for needing a celebrity fix.
-Wealthy people can somehow manage to live on tall winding mountains. I could never do that. The dope I saw standing in a trash can begging for money has a better home as far as I’m concerned.
-The Jurassic Park ride stinks. It’s so unexciting that the guy sitting next to me held a can of Monster the entire ride and didn’t spill it. If the ride was any good I would be complaining how inconsiderate people are.
-Paramount Studios is really pushing the TV show Happy Endings. Also, nobody on the studio tour has ever seen a single episode of Happy Endings.
-I can go to maybe five different comedy clubs in New York any Saturday night and know some major headliner on the show. I can go to maybe five different comedy clubs in Los Angeles any Saturday night and only know the Asian guy from MadTV.
-I could throw a football the length of the Santa Monica Pier. I could probably piss from one end to the other too.
-As long as it’s not rush hour, you can get anywhere in the city within a half hour or so. When it is rush hour, you can get anywhere in the city within a half mile in a half hour.
-Indian people love hoarding hotel bananas.
And there you go. Everything I learned on my trip with the subtlety of naming just about everything I did. If anyone asks, I peed next to Joseph Gordon-Levitt and saw his dick shadow.
I think my favorite part of the entire trip was walking through the set of Community. My second favorite part was when the airport security man asked me to empty my pockets when they were already empty. He literally thought the bulge in my pants was a large role of quarters. I have never been more flattered.