Last summer a song came out called “Call Me Maybe.” I didn’t listen to it until recently. It’s nothing special. Still better than anything Van Halen ever did, but hearing a doctor use the words “terminal” and “no chance at remission” are better than Van Halen. I had a few observations about the music video I would like to go over nearly a year too late. Watch the video below and use it as a reference throughout this post.

My first and most obvious observation is how incredibly pale Carly Rae Jepsen is. I don’t even say this as an insult. I enjoy pale girls. I like to see a vein every now and again to make sure she’s not a robot or vampire or worst of all, a robot-vampire. I never realized how allergic to the sun she was. I think this likes me more though. In a country where Obama is president it’s nice to see whitey get a victory for once.

carly rae jepsen

(Where does the wall behind her end and her skin begin?)

A second observation I would like to make is how much this song sucks. It’s terrible. I wasn’t surprised it would be really bad. It was a popular song. There’s a reason why nobody ever knows any Nick Cave songs, he’s not popular and he rules. He could deflower Carly Rae Jepsen with his voice. I’m sure C.R.J. was deflowered many years ago already since she’s almost 30. If not, a nice blasting of Stagger Lee straight into her vagina will do the trick.

The main observation I had to make about this song/video is the guy in it. Carly Rae Jepsen falls for what is the typical “hunk.” He’s tall, muscular, has a tattoo across his chest, and doesn’t have enough fat on his face to pinch. How did kids in high school pinch his face? Am I the only one who spent 4 years getting their fat cheeks pinched by bullies?

What bothers me about this is the whole media stereotyping people thing and whatnot. We always hear about how there’s this image of what girls are supposed to look like but there’s also one about how men should look. I look nothing like this guy shirtless. Maybe if he was shorter, had poor self-esteem, and stood too close to a nuclear reactor then sure, I can see us having something in common.

call me maybe guy

(I guess I should at least be happy they made him a cocksucker in the end)

Ladies, it hurts when you post pictures of Ryan Gosling naked. I know most men won’t admit it, but it does. It stings. It’s like you’ve set an average standard and we have to live up to this. I can never be Ryan Gosling. He gets paid to be him. I’ll also never be Channing Tatum. I respect myself too much to have anything to do with the movies he involves himself with.

All I’m saying is couldn’t Carly Rae Jepsen have a crush on a neighbor who was a little more normal looking? The guy knows shit about cars too. She’d never have to worry about breaking down in a bad neighborhood. He could probably jog out there without breaking a sweat and help her out. Or maybe he knows nothing about cars other than how to pop the hood. He seems to be working under there for quite some time. If he knew what he was doing he’d probably finish up a lot quicker.

Of course in the end it turns out the guy is gay and Carly Rae Jepsen wasted her time. He’s also dumb because he didn’t leave his area code on his fake phone number. How does he know the guitar player he gives the number to lives in the same town? Plus gay guys don’t just go up and give other guys their number. He’d first throw out hints to find out the sexuality. Or maybe this guy is just such a stud that he doesn’t care what his neighbors think about him. How is this guy so incredibly awesome? I want to be him.

I guess you really can’t have a normal looking guy or girl being the crush in a music video. The music video was made for pale girls to fantasize about getting with the hot boy next door. I’m not the target demographic. With that said, I’m still a bit bothered how women sexualize these men. I only see one real solution this, continuing to sexual stereotypically beautiful women based on their looks and not their personalities or contributions to society. Until a picture of me ends up on Pinterest in somebody’s “Dream Man” board I’ll be judgmental and piggish. If you can’t beat them, join them.

ryan gosling meme

(Until there are memes of me popping up all over the place I will insult, berate  and laugh at the obituaries)

Congratulations Carly Rae Jepsen, you just set feminism back 4,000 years. Maybe not that long, but a few minutes at least.

Comments
  1. “All the other boys try to shave me. But here’s my number. I’m white and pasty.”

  2. That guy is gross. He needs a trip to a buffet and a McFlurry. That said, he could still do better than her.

    • Mooselicker says:

      He probably has a body fat % of like 5. It’s the same thing with really thin women, pack on a few pounds and you’ll look a little bit better. I’m sure he’s a total douche. He mows lawns and does pushups. Both are lethal.

  3. Pen says:

    I like the Cookie Monster parody. Never liked the original. I dislike her vapid eyes. Makes me think she’s a hooker.
    I also dislike men who are creepily muscular. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with *some* muscle. I’m not enough of a feminist to want to be the stronger/beefier one in the pair. I am suckered by men who are able to lift and carry me like the princess I am. But I’m not like, 200 lbs or anything. I just really am not looking to see fluttering pecs or anything like that. Ew.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The guy in the video looks like a body builder who is starving to death. He has such a weird looking body. Women always seem to say these days that they don’t really like muscular guys then they find an exception to the rule. He has a strange looking face too. I only judge because he got paid to be shirtless and mow a lawn.

      • Pen says:

        Haha. Well, the past three guys I’ve dated were no where near muscular. Does hard evidence count? 😉
        Yeah, that dude’s face is completely effed up. I’m surprised he has any success in the gay world. Those guys are picky as hell.

      • Mooselicker says:

        What kind of hard evidence do you have? Empty M&M wrappers?

        Maybe he doesn’t have too much success in the gay world which is why he’s taking a shot in the dark at the other guy. This must be what they mean when they say you have to be courageous to be gay. Yeah, nobody ever says that.

      • Pen says:

        Lmao. Yes. Piles of candy wrappers. Just everywhere. Each ex scrawled their names on what was theirs so I could keep record.

        Gay people just make me feel fatter and unhealthy. No person should work out that much and only eat salads. Eat a sammich ya flabless jerk.

        I can bitch without consequence because I totally was with a woman for awhile. Haha. They’re like my people. Sort of.
        I actually find vaginas gross. Dunno how I could stand that relationship at all.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I don’t even know how to respond to this comment so I’ll just smile 🙂

      • Pen says:

        That’s fair.

  4. Lily says:

    I liked this song when it came out but it got old really fast. Sometimes I give into guilty pleasures and this was one of them. I thought the music video was cute, but you’re right, she’s so pale. If you’re that pale, please don’t wear shorts–you will blind people.

    Yeah what point was this video trying to prove? All gay guys are hot? Such a 21st century problem.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The video should have been her meeting three different guys or maybe two. They could have done a whole Pretty in Pink thing where she keeps ignoring her friend who she hasn’t just met but she’s so caught up in giving out her number to new guys like a dirty slut. Then in the end she realizes the man she needed was there the whole time. I guess the song would have to be about 20 minutes in order to fully develop the characters though. I just hate how they’re clearly in California and the two main stars in the video don’t have good enough tans.

      • Lily says:

        True. That would’ve been a better concept. I forgot to mention how much I love that she’s in a garage band with her neighbors. This would never happen. Like those guys would really want to play her music? Or have her as their lead singer? No.

        Also, there was a bad cut where she was washing the car and it was super soapy and then they cut to the guy and then back to her and there aren’t any suds. Amateur work.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I bet one of the guys in the band has a crush on her and that’s the only reason they let her in the band. Or maybe she’s someone’s sister? It’s hard to find a good singer for a band. They’re probably pissed the song she wrote is their only hit. I also love how after the neighbor comes over to help her up she goes inside and changes. What does he do the entire time she’s inside changing? He should have gone home. She could have gone over there and gotten him when she was ready to finish her song.

        I might have to watch this again to notice the bad cut. I think this is one of those songs that grows on you because I don’t mind it so much anymore.

  5. I am just so glad that you didn’t let the fame of being in one of my blog posts change you in any way.

  6. benzeknees says:

    Not sure if you’re aware – Carly Rae Jepson is Canadian. We have way too much winter up here to get tan I guess!

  7. That song will haunt you till death. At least that’s what it does to me… So beware!
    I just refuse to watch that video. I don’t want to die right now, that’s the reason.

  8. The Waiting says:

    I don’t know how I went this long not hearing that song or seeing the video, and I would have never guessed you would be the person to get me to do both. I totally agree with you though about that guy in the video. That kind of man meat is gross to me and I don’t understand women who get off on Ryan Gosling. They are probably the same people who think The Bachelor is real.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You really never heard this song? It was huge last summer. I’m trying to think what it was on the same level as…Rebecca Black’s Friday? Except this is good I guess. I never listened to Friday. I’m glad I helped introduce you to some teeny bopper music though.

  9. I bitched on my boyfriend because he likes playing the song over and over in the car. And he sings along, too. I mean, yeah, he’s entitled to the same rights as I am considering freedom of music choice, but anyone who could listen to that song would know it’s meant for sissies. Maybe I’m still in denial and he’s actually one of them.

    • Mooselicker says:

      So this is what gets you to come out of the dark, Carly Rae Jepsen? It’s bad enough to know the radio stations where they would play her music let alone to purposefully listen to it.

      On a related note, how big is your boyfriend’s vagina?

      • Tee-hee. I have no excuses for being so disinterested with the internet in particular and life in general, I’m sorry. I guess I just had a bad case of the blues. Nothing just seems to go my way. Aaaargh. Proof of that would be my extra 10 pounds.

        Well since you asked, I once poked my head inside him and saw something that I suspect was the root of my defeatist attitude.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Ugh well this just throws gasoline on my theory that everyone has become incredibly depressed and lost the last 2 months or so. I seriously proposed this theory to someone less than an hour ago and here you go adding to it. What is this change of consciousness? People of all ages from all over the world are going through this. It’s hitting me hard. Fuck everyone.

        Don’t feel bad about the extra 10 pounds. I’ve been at my dad’s the last few days because I was so depressed and lonely. I’ve probably put on 10 pounds today from all the eating I’ve done.

        His vagina sounds huge 🙂

      • I KNOW, RIGHT? I was just catching up on your latest posts and laughed because I wasn’t the only one being annoyingly miserable. Yes, knowing you are miserable brightens up my day.

        I might probe deeper into this worldwide depression. I suspect the moon has gone too near to the earth again. Gotta have something to place our blames on. The moon is as safe a choice you can get. And there’s NO way I’m not feeling bad about the extra pounds. I wouldn’t have but my clothes are screaming their stitches out. It’s a tough battle to try to get myself in them. Hahahaha!

        Sounds like you had a nice time with your dad. 🙂 At least I hope you do.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I’m purposefully wearing stretchy pants because right now jeans would make me feel bad about myself. You’re in good company as far as everything is concerned.

  10. rossmurray1 says:

    Shirtless dudes like this are the small price men pay in exchange for yoga pants.

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