Incredibly Pale Singers

Last summer a song came out called “Call Me Maybe.” I didn’t listen to it until recently. It’s nothing special. Still better than anything Van Halen ever did, but hearing a doctor use the words “terminal” and “no chance at remission” are better than Van Halen. I had a few observations about the music video I would like to go over nearly a year too late. Watch the video below and use it as a reference throughout this post.

My first and most obvious observation is how incredibly pale Carly Rae Jepsen is. I don’t even say this as an insult. I enjoy pale girls. I like to see a vein every now and again to make sure she’s not a robot or vampire or worst of all, a robot-vampire. I never realized how allergic to the sun she was. I think this likes me more though. In a country where Obama is president it’s nice to see whitey get a victory for once.

(Where does the wall behind her end and her skin begin?)

A second observation I would like to make is how much this song sucks. It’s terrible. I wasn’t surprised it would be really bad. It was a popular song. There’s a reason why nobody ever knows any Nick Cave songs, he’s not popular and he rules. He could deflower Carly Rae Jepsen with his voice. I’m sure C.R.J. was deflowered many years ago already since she’s almost 30. If not, a nice blasting of Stagger Lee straight into her vagina will do the trick.

The main observation I had to make about this song/video is the guy in it. Carly Rae Jepsen falls for what is the typical “hunk.” He’s tall, muscular, has a tattoo across his chest, and doesn’t have enough fat on his face to pinch. How did kids in high school pinch his face? Am I the only one who spent 4 years getting their fat cheeks pinched by bullies?

What bothers me about this is the whole media stereotyping people thing and whatnot. We always hear about how there’s this image of what girls are supposed to look like but there’s also one about how men should look. I look nothing like this guy shirtless. Maybe if he was shorter, had poor self-esteem, and stood too close to a nuclear reactor then sure, I can see us having something in common.

(I guess I should at least be happy they made him a cocksucker in the end)

Ladies, it hurts when you post pictures of Ryan Gosling naked. I know most men won’t admit it, but it does. It stings. It’s like you’ve set an average standard and we have to live up to this. I can never be Ryan Gosling. He gets paid to be him. I’ll also never be Channing Tatum. I respect myself too much to have anything to do with the movies he involves himself with.

All I’m saying is couldn’t Carly Rae Jepsen have a crush on a neighbor who was a little more normal looking? The guy knows shit about cars too. She’d never have to worry about breaking down in a bad neighborhood. He could probably jog out there without breaking a sweat and help her out. Or maybe he knows nothing about cars other than how to pop the hood. He seems to be working under there for quite some time. If he knew what he was doing he’d probably finish up a lot quicker.

Of course in the end it turns out the guy is gay and Carly Rae Jepsen wasted her time. He’s also dumb because he didn’t leave his area code on his fake phone number. How does he know the guitar player he gives the number to lives in the same town? Plus gay guys don’t just go up and give other guys their number. He’d first throw out hints to find out the sexuality. Or maybe this guy is just such a stud that he doesn’t care what his neighbors think about him. How is this guy so incredibly awesome? I want to be him.

I guess you really can’t have a normal looking guy or girl being the crush in a music video. The music video was made for pale girls to fantasize about getting with the hot boy next door. I’m not the target demographic. With that said, I’m still a bit bothered how women sexualize these men. I only see one real solution this, continuing to sexual stereotypically beautiful women based on their looks and not their personalities or contributions to society. Until a picture of me ends up on Pinterest in somebody’s “Dream Man” board I’ll be judgmental and piggish. If you can’t beat them, join them.

(Until there are memes of me popping up all over the place I will insult, berate  and laugh at the obituaries)

Congratulations Carly Rae Jepsen, you just set feminism back 4,000 years. Maybe not that long, but a few minutes at least.