Sometimes pictures are taken and there are objects in the background. Sometimes these objects are people. These people have tremendous stories that we never know the truth about. Objects have stories too. This is their story.

So I was looking for something to pleasure myself to which meant I was looking at my own pictures on Facebook. One of the pictures was particular sexy. All of The Philippines agree this is a sexy picture. But what is going on behind this sexy picture? Once you get past the awesome jacket, the perfectly naturally sculpted hair held up with sweat because hair gel is expensive, a soul patch that can only be earned by truly having some soul, and a face so adorable you want to squeeze it until the eyes pop out, what else is there?


Let’s talk about what’s going on behind the eye candy. There’s one of those old-timey heaters on the floor. I’m not sure what the proper name for these are. I really don’t like them because they can get really loud at times. I should probably tell my Super about it, but he has a really gross skin disease and I hate having to look at him. He also wore a bandanna with an American flag design once in front of me. Calm down there Easy Rider, you lost the revolution. America is no longer a free nation.

Starting on the windowsill, you will notice a “pyramid” shaped object. This is one of those air fresheners that sits open and slowly emits a nice scent. I had one on my toilet too. I’m not sure how they work exactly, but if it means the smellier the room is the quicker they evaporate then I need to see a doctor.

Moving along to the right you will see a can of compressed air. I use this to spray in the eyes of strangers who ask me for directions. Beside it is a Philadelphia Phillies finger thing with a little duct attachment where it can hang from glass. Do you know what I’m talking about? I really don’t feel like looking its proper name up. The only problem is it doesn’t work very well so it just sits on my windowsill. I think they’re supposed to go on cars. I no longer own a car so it’s going to collect dust. Not for long though. I can always clean it off with the compressed air.

On the refrigerator you will find some more important background objects. The far left end you can see behind a small packet of travel tissues a mini-totem pole. My dad gave me this mini-totem pole. I am not sure why. I think it was his way of saying my father is really a man named John Redcorn. Next in line is a square black object. This is my digital camera. I keep it on my refrigerator because I like to take pictures of pigeons that land near my windows. I also know it will never get stepped on.

Finally we reach my Jason Voorhees action figure in a battle with my Jesus Christ action figure. Two men who were betrayed by camp counselors at Crystal Lake must fight to find out which one gets to claim Christmas as a holiday to honor him. Who do you think would win?

And that’s what’s going on in the background of my life.

    • I forgot I should apologize for using that picture without your permission. Now I’m an official cybercriminal. But at least I wasn’t using it to catfish someone…which is now starting to sound like a workable idea.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I would be flattered if someone used my picture to catfish others. It’s like they’re admitting I’m better than they are. I would hope the person they catfish is a bit weary because I am “too good to be true” though.

  1. rossmurray1 says:

    You should bang on your old-timey radiator with an old-timey pipe wrench to get the attention of your old-timey super, just like in the old-timey movies.

  2. I never really thought about the fact that we all need two cans of compressed air so we can blow the dust off of both of them. That is so deep. Like that ‘what is the sound of one hand clapping’ thing. I also enjoyed the King Of The Hill bit.

  3. SingingTuna says:

    HAHAHAH!!!! ::applause::
    I have only a minute right now so I won’t do my usual yammering thing here (even though I have a lot of compliments to give you) but i HAD to do something bec the photo is begging for it: I put it into the Google Image Search and came up with a fascinating collection of images that Google thinks is like yours. That means you all have the same background, I guess…

    Here’s the URL. It’s the longest ever, so I hope it works. If it doesn’t I’ll come back and fix it.

  4. Lily says:

    Your interior decorator is doing a great job. Have they been featured on HGTV yet? That is a great picture. You should’ve entered it into Miss C’s birthday party and just said that you were young at heart. Then it would’ve made everyone else look dumb because everyone looks dumb when they’re babies. Except for me, obvs.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I wish I had thought of that earlier. I would have taught everyone a valuable lesson about age and how you can be young forever. Were you even a baby in your picture? Babies can’t stand. I probably could have gotten a picture of me at 4 years old. I think all my baby pictures are in a storage unite somewhere. I hope a Storage Wars person buys them.

      • Lily says:

        Hahah. Yeah I wasn’t really a baby in my picture. I was like 2 maybe? I was tall for my age. My brother wasn’t born yet, that’s why I look so happy. Also notice how small my eyes are in that picture. I told you I had small eyes.UGH.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Okay I looked at the picture. Indeed, those eyes are thin lines.

  5. tinkadele says:

    I don’t believe that this is even you. You’re behind the camera. That’s a realistic life-size cardboard Tim Boyle original cut out. The hair isn’t high enough – that was the give away.

  6. The Waiting says:

    Why are coil radiators so noisy? I mean, other than because of the souls that are trapped inside.

  7. benzeknees says:

    It’s called a radiator – the heat thingy thing. And it looks like one of those action figures is growing out of the top of your head!

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Hah excellent post! If only the blinds were open then you could have told us what was happening outside; I often wonder what goes on out there.

    • Mooselicker says:

      On the other side of those blinds is just another building. Sometimes pigeons land there and I make noises to scare them off. Lots of pigeons die of heart attacks in this town.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        You should scare a lot of them at once so when people leave their houses the day after to see a lot of dead birds on the floor they think its a sign of the apocalypse.

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