Television Observations

Posted: April 1, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I have been watching a lot of TV lately. Not necessarily on a TV. Like the Harvey Danger song, I don’t own a TV. I did spend a few days at my dad’s though and he has TV. The only thing he ever watches is Army Wives on Lifetime. He’s seen every episode except for one because the cramps his PMS was giving him hurt too bad to pay attention.

The first thing I actually watched was at home. I broke down and signed up for Netflix because I watched everything on YouTube I could ever watch. I caught up on Weeds and now I have to wait a few more months for the final season to show up on Netflix to find out what happens to the world’s worst mother. Granted, I would much rather watch Mary Louise Parker have her hair pulled during sex with a bartender than I would see her show up at a PTA meeting. Watching Weeds always makes me wish I was Uncle Andy. He does absolutely nothing with his life and yet has so many adventures. The only woe in his life is that Mary Louise Parker will not have sex with him. Andy annoyed me when her first entered the Botwin household but in later seasons he has proven himself to be a more relatable loser. I would love to be a bike tour guide in Copenhagen. Andy got to do this for three years. Why is fiction better than reality?

andy botwin

(It’s a shame his animal practice didn’t work out. Only the three people in the world who watched Animal Practice will even notice the connection)

Once I got to my dad’s I stopped with Netflix and focused on whatever was on the boob tube. The first thing I watched was WWE Monday Night Raw which was the first time in almost a year I’ve actually watched on TV. It was as disappointing as I remembered. The next morning I watched an episode of Victorious, you know, for research for Kidz Showz then the Guy Pearce movie Ravenous. Ravenous is one of those movies from the 90s that I remember the advertisements for yet never saw. It was decent and like all horror movies went downhill in the final act. I was watching the edited version too and I think I missed the pedophile from Ferris Bueller’s Day off getting killed in full.

My week continued with watching television while I sat on the couch with my laptop trying to write and occasionally having his dog try biting my finger. By the end of the week the energetic puppy was passing out earlier than he ever does and unable to wake up in the mornings. I wore the little guy out, almost entirely from chasing him around a coffee table.

buddy 3

(This is from another time I spent with the dog, but he refused to wear his coat this time around and I wanted to include at least one picture of a dog in a coat here)

The majority of my television watching was going back and forth between Chiller and FearNet. These channels are mostly horror themed. One had some great syndicated shows on during the day while the other had good movies on at night. The only film in particular I remember watching was Southland Tales. I was one of 5 people to see it in theaters, those 5 people being in the theater I saw it in. It was the guy who did Donnie Darko’s follow-up which means it was strange. I kind of liked it even though I didn’t understand much. I like The Rock, Sean William Scott, and Sara Michelle Gellar so maybe I’m bias. It’s a complicated film. Cheri Oteri also looks kind of hot in it which they need some credit for.

(Somehow this was a very important part to understanding the film. It’s okay if you’re confused)

During the day while my dad and his girlfriend were at work I continued my anthology of television watching. Shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, and other stuff made occupied my background noise while I stuffed my face with snacks all day long. The only time I felt like I was having a heart attack from the poor diet was when I was eating tuna. Seriously? The one food I’m used to eating makes me pound on my chest to make sure I don’t collapse on the ground. I’m not sure what kind of a cruel joke this is by God, but it is certainly a mean one.

The only actually film away from television I watched was pretty early on during my stay. With my dad I watched his favorite movie, Carny. This came out in 1980 and stars Gary Busey as a dunk tank clown and Jodie Foster as a runaway. Gary Busey is surprisingly not too creepy in it. My dad has a strange obsession with carnivals and freak shows. Later on in the week we watched episodes of the AMC show Freak Show, then the show about taxidermy, and then the comic book show that comes on after. We were mostly annoyed and he went to bed.

carny

(Gary Busey as the clown, Jodie Foster as the whore, and some guy who looks like Bill Hicks that my dad seemed fond of)

I also watched a few James Bond movies on G4 during the week only to realize how much James Bond movies suck. They’re very boring and the characters are too silly. I say this with Odd Job being a great character in my mind too.

I returned home now without cable and only the radio to provide background noise for me at all times. I went back to Netflix to watch Wilfred and realize I had just lived the show. I spent a week sitting around with a dog not really accomplishing much. The only thing missing was my dad’s dog does not smoke pot or have an Australian accent. Buddy the Dog chooses to do heroin and he has an Indian accent. This is much different than Wilfred.

Comments
  1. Carter says:

    I love Joanna Garcia (I refuse to call her by her hyphen name, although I guess her husband probably keeps her happy since he seems to keep up a middling baseball career by being a “good clubhouse guy”), and most shows featuring monkeys. I was actually mentioned Animal Practice in a “5 months later” comment on Are You Afraid of the Dark because JG was on that. Where are the other two people who watched it? Hiding in shame no doubt.

    Agreed, James Bond movies are so overrated. At least the older ones were mere ciphers for male fantasy. The new ones try to make Bond into a humanized character and, just, no. That’s not the point at all.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Joanna Garcia seems like she’d be a fun person too. I don’t know why. I think I saw commercials for Reba where she was making funny faces. When I was in LA last October I saw the monkey from Animal Practice. I think the episode they were shooting never made it to air.

      The one James Bond movie I watched, Goldfinger, ended with him having sex under a parachute after Goldfinger was comically sucked out of an airplane. James Bond is so overrated. The music is good at least.

  2. SingingTuna says:

    Whoa.
    This just ripped me out of my chair, flung me around, and tossed me into a heap on the floor.
    No TV, then MUCH TV, and then no TV. No dog, then dog, then no dog.
    Lots of adjustments. No wonder the tuna zapped you. Are you sure it wasn’t dog treats?

    “Weeds!” I miss that show sooooo much. It made me feel vindicated for not having kids and for doing a few other things I’ll never speak of because they belong in a book and that’s where they’re going.

    The only Bond movie I ever saw in its entirety was the one with “Evil” in the title. Is there one with that in the title? It had a terrific song. There was voodoo dancing around a fire and people got killed. That’s all I remember.

    “…dad’s dog does not smoke pot…” Maybe the dog just doesn’t like to share.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You with a troubled past? You just sold a book to me. Okay maybe you didn’t say it was troubled. I still want to know more about those wild days where you didn’t have a Silas or Shane holding you back.

      I think the one with voodoo was Live and Let Die but that’s according to my dad. He said that was one of the better ones. The new ones are decent as they’re not as over the top comically, and by that I mean unfunny and trying to hard.

      • SingingTuna says:

        “Live and Let Die!!!” Yes! That’s the one. Thanks!
        I loved that song. It was Roger Moore, I think, as Bond. It was at a Bond Festival at a local theater but the guy I was dating at the time didn’t like Sean Connery so we got there late and left early. Didn’t help that I fell asleep, watching.

  3. Pen says:

    I love Beyond Belief. I thought I was the only person on the planet who watched that show. Is it still going? Or are you just watching reruns? I don’t have standard TV, I just have Netflix and my ridiculous collection of DVDs, 80% of which are horror.

    • Mooselicker says:

      No they were all repeats. I forgot how bad the acting was. Do you remember the Monster in the Closet episode? I filled my closet with junk after finding out the story was true. I read up on it and it turns out the kid crawled through the closet out somewhere else then hid at a neighbors for the week. I felt so cheated.

      • Pen says:

        Hm. I don’t recall that one specifically. It’s been years since I’ve watched it.
        The one that always stood out to me was the boy’s dog who died, but came back to protect him from….getting hurt? A burglar? I dunno. I can’t even remember if it was true or not.
        But yeah, the acting was horrific. I switched between it and Tales from the Crypt. Acting was about the same caliber.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Oddly enough an episode of Tales from the Crypt was watched by me as well. Did I write about it? I forget. I wrote this weeks ago. Daniel Craig was in it. For as popular as it was, Tales from the Crypt doesn’t have any memorable episodes.

      • Pen says:

        But surprisingly, it was where a lot of actors first “broke into the business”. There are tons of now famous actors who did an episode with Crypt Keeper.
        But true, episodes are that memorable.
        I’m always reminded of “Creepshow” though. I think the two are related.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Was Creepshow the one with Leslie Nielsen and the bugs? I hope so because I said that to someone then they looked at me funny. I should look it up.

      • Pen says:

        Yes, though they were two different stories. Leslie Nielson was in the story where he buried two people in sand to drown with the incoming tide.
        The bug story had a different guy. I forget his name.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Okay that’s right. I think Ted Danson is one of the people in the Leslie Nielsen one.

      • Pen says:

        Yeppers. I liked the Stephen King one. He plays a really good awkward slight-retard.

  4. I think I’d rather watch you with the dog than any of the shows you mentioned. That’s a great picture, by the way. 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      I can’t disagree with you on either of those. A weekly episodic series where I spend 22 minutes with a different dog? I think NBC found it’s new late-night talk show replacement.

  5. Only you can turn a story about watching TV into something both sordid and delightful.

  6. renxkyoko says:

    Oh. there’s a FearNet ? We’ve got at least 1000 channels on cable, but , no FearNet. that’s odd.

  7. calahan says:

    Animal Practice was a funny show. That failed, but Two and a Half Men is still on the air. Huh?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I never saw Animal Practice. My friend’s dad watched it because of the monkey. The fact Two and a Half Men is on at all shows there is no justice in the world.

  8. The Waiting says:

    We have been watching Trailer Park Boys on Netflix a lot lately. I think you would like it if you haven’t already seen it. Also, was Jodie Foster a hooker in ALL her roles as a child?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Is that the Canadian show? I heard good things about it despite the fact it is Canadian. I don’t think she was a hooker in Freaky Friday. Wouldn’t it be weird if all these slutty teenage girls nowadays grew up to be lesbians?

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    I don’t have a tv either and can’t break myself down to do netflix. I spent the weekend home and saw the walking dead finale and once upon a time. That is all the tv I watched. Chiller is decent. Creepshow is a classic.

    • Mooselicker says:

      How did you watch these things then? Are you doing illegal downloads? That’s illegal! Please no Walking Dead spoilers. I’m waiting for an illegal download of the second half of season 3.

      • 1jaded1 says:

        Nothing illegal. I went home…like your dad has tv, so does my mom. Lol I watched 2 hrs. That was it.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Ohhhh I see what you mean now. I subscribe to the James Hetfield logic that where I lay my head is home so basically wherever I pass out I call home. Sorry about the confusion.

  10. benzeknees says:

    OK, how do you exist without TV? I don ‘t always watch what is on, but I like the background noise for sure.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I always have the radio on. Either music or sports talk. I think you may rather have no noise than sports talk though. Trust me, I used to feel like I was going crazy before I got the cheeky idea to go 1930s and use the radio to drown out my inner demons.

  11. tinkadele says:

    I think it’s a great accomplishment to sit around for a week and watch car crash television, I’m proud of you for coming out of it again. On a separate note and more importantly, your dog’s coat looks like a smoking jacket, I feel as if he should have “Lord” attached to his name. Pretty impressive.

  12. josefkul says:

    An Indian dog who smokes heroin? I can only imagine the slumdog parodies! To differentiate myself and avoid lawsuits, I would spell dog ‘dawg’.

  13. Lily says:

    I was going to say something similar to what Emily said about Jodie Foster being a hooker in all of her young movie roles. Damn.
    Looks like you got in a lot of TV watching. I’m so proud. Paul just signed us up for Netflix again which is great because I now I have something to do all day.
    PS. It’s really hard to do research for disney channel original movies because Disney went on youtube and took off a lot of people’s videos. I really wanted to start writing about some DCOMs but it’s proving to be a difficult task. I wonder if there are any on netflix?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think there are quite a few DCOMs on Netflix. The only real Disney movie I noticed was Pocahantos. Netflix seems to do much better at putting up TV shows than actual movies. There are a few documentaries but they fall so short in other aspects. Luckily my sister gave me her account information so I could cancel mine before my free month was up. If I notice you start to seem really dumb I’ll know you found some good DCOMs.

  14. Luddy's Lens says:

    Gary Busey played a clown, and he wasn’t creepy? Was he sober?

    “Southland Tales” is a good flick. Also, “The Rundown” — another The Rock/Seann William Scott movie that nobody saw. (“Go ‘way, monkey!”) Hollywood should probably co-star those two more often, if they ever decide to focus on making enjoyable flicks that can’t sell seats.

    As an adult I didn’t have a teevee until my kid was about 10 years old, and that’s only because it came with the little rented house that we moved into. It was a nice break; you do realize how dumb it is to grow attached to teevee shows.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I forgot about The Rundown. The Rock and Sean William Scott have great chemistry. I also hear they’re both great guys in real life.

      You’re completely right about TV. I used to wonder how I could ever live without it. It’s much better to be able to watch shows I like more on my time and for much cheaper. Cable is like $150. Uhhh I’ll pass.

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